zenLara's journey

[SymphonicDan]

Your attitude is great when you are faced with problems like this  It's annoying when your motivation ebbs for a significant period of time, and I think we've all been there.

 

I only really think about SAD in late October and early November but it's true that you can suffer some of its effects if you aren't outside enough, even in sunny Spain in May  I'll remember this for times in the future I feel like that.

 

Good luck with your plans!

[Lara]

10 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

I only really think about SAD in late October and early November but it's true that you can suffer some of its effects if you aren't outside enough

I don't know whether there is scientific prove of it, but it would seem so.

 

Thank you all, guys! Let's hope this time things go better.

[Lara]

About limits

 

I've been watching a video of the final flow of parallettes one (I don't know the guy, I just googled it). It starts easy, but gets pretty hardcore at minute 1. What my mind says is "I will never be able to do that, I won't be able to follow the program and succeed at doing the flow". I'm facing a lot of thoughts like this lately, I put myself mental limits that I think I can't break. And I thought a nice way to counterattack would be to make a list of the things -exercise related- that I thought I would never be able to do and finally did.

 

1. Crow pose. Last time I practiced it I held it for 60 seconds. When I began working on it my mind kept on saying it was just impossible that I would hold my bodyweight on my hands and in such a posture. I could barely lift one feet at the beginning. Later my mind switched to "well, you made it to the position, but 2 seconds and you are on the floor. Accept it and leave it there". 1 whole minute. Mind 0 - Real life 1.

2. Wall handstands. "That's plain impossible for you". I only achieved it once. But I stood there for 30 seconds. Mind 0 - Real life 2.

3. Tuck hold. This is an important one, because it is the first stage to building an L-sit, which is one of the things my mind currently tells me I will never do. I still remember the first days when I could lift only one foot from the floor. It seemed something I would never achieve. Now I can make my knees touch my chest and hold it there for 20 seconds. Mind 0 - Real life 3.

4. The lion. You run, you jump, you roll, you get on your feet. It scared the crap out of me. I needed a trampoline to make the jump high enough. I was terrified. Until I did it so many times it felt like a game. Mind 0 - Real life 4.

5. Chin-up. How on earth am I going to lift all my bodyweight with only my arms, without a jump nor an impulse, just moving myself up slowly? Well, I can do it 4 times in a row now, take that, mind! Mind 0 - Real life 5.

6. Push-ups. "I will never be able to do one real push-up". Last summer I could do 5-6 in one set. Mind 0 - Real life 6.

 

These are achievements I need to remember. Parallettes flow is there and I want it. I just need time, patience and work.

[Guest]

i'm in a pretty low place right now (also to do with mental blocks). your post inspired me. you can do it lara, i have all the faith in your determination to press forward.

[Elastigirl]

Hey there, glad I found somebody else who was doing GMB. Right now I'm doing Ring one. In the fall, I want to do the paralettes. I hear you on the final flow. I'm sorta trying not to have a mini freak out over the ring flow, there is no way I am going to do it to the level of some people I see on youtube. I love your list of things you've accomplished. You are strong! Plus it's a great reminder. I have things like that too, where I didn't think I could do them, but I did. I think with the Ring flow, I'm going to work on being satisfied  that I am doing it at my level, and I have improved since I started. One of the reasons I decided I want to do P1 is that not only did it look fun, but I think it will help me next time I go through Ring 1. One of the cool things about them is there are still fun to do on repeated go throughs.

[Lara]

1 hour ago, Umodiel said:

i'm in a pretty low place right now (also to do with mental blocks). your post inspired me. you can do it lara, i have all the faith in your determination to press forward.

Hiiiiiiiiii!!! Sweetieeeee! Where have you been?

I'm sorry to hear you're not ok right now. Anything we can do for you?

Come baaaaaaaaack!!!

[Lara]

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

One of the reasons I decided I want to do P1 is that not only did it look fun, but I think it will help me next time I go through Ring 1. One of the cool things about them is there are still fun to do on repeated go throughs.

P1 is fun. I can assure you that. There are some exercises, like the push-ups and the inverted press, which I hate, that are not that fun, but then the swings, and the dips and the jump throughs are something I always look forward too.

The rings programs look nice too, if only there was some way I could have them at home. I guess it is not that big mess to hang them, but anyway it took me almost 6 months to convince my boyfriend that a pull-up bar wouldn't ruin the door frame, I don't know how much it would take to persuade him about the rings  

 

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

 I love your list of things you've accomplished. You are strong!

Thank you very much. A curious thing about the crow pose is that I got inspired by your videos, long time ago, when you were working on F1

 

[Elastigirl]

40 minutes ago, zenLara said:

P1 is fun. I can assure you that. There are some exercises, like the push-ups and the inverted press, which I hate, that are not that fun, but then the swings, and the dips and the jump throughs are something I always look forward too.

The rings programs look nice too, if only there was some way I could have them at home. I guess it is not that big mess to hang them, but anyway it took me almost 6 months to convince my boyfriend that a pull-up bar wouldn't ruin the door frame, I don't know how much it would take to persuade him about the rings  

 

Thank you very much. A curious thing about the crow pose is that I got inspired by your videos, long time ago, when you were working on F1

 

I'm so glad I inspired you. It was really the first thing that I really worked hard on and was able to surprise myself and actually do it.

What you need to do is show your boyfriend all the cool things that rings can do, so he'll want to try it too. 

[Lara]

On 29/6/2017 at 10:04 PM, Elastigirl said:

What you need to do is show your boyfriend all the cool things that rings can do, so he'll want to try it too. 

Unfortunately, he is not attracted at all by shiny things. I've been trying to help him start exercising, but it's difficult.

 

[Lara]

So, this feels like a brand new life  I'm stronger, more resilient, I'm on my way of being an actual antifragile being... and I am happier.

And I think it's time to have a nice recap on all I've been working on and start preparing for the next year.

 

My goal for 2017 was to focus on:

 

1. Freedom of movement.

2. Being stronger.

3. Outdoors.

4. Eating healthier.

5. Owning more clothes.

6. Clean and decluttered house.

7. Growing savings.

8. Reading.

9. Icelandic.

10. Music practice.

 

And I am happy to say I improved almost all these areas in my life:

 

1. Freedom of movement: definitely better. All that yoga! I also spent quite a lot of time this year working on Feldenkrais, FF, and neck stretches.

2. Being stronger: oh, yes! I've gone from 2-3 wobbly push-ups to a PR of 17, while my usual numbers go from 12 to 15. I've started to work on chin-ups and pull-ups, and recently I am back to handstands work. My legs also are stronger, from all the sprints. Still missing some core strength.

3. Outdoors. This was not that good at the beginning of the year, but from july until now it's working. I spend a lot more of time outside, running, walking, or just enjoying the sun, and now with less clothes on, so more vitamin D for me, which means less gloomy mood during fall and winter.

4. Eating healthier. This has improved only recently, I've been struggling with it for most of the year. I seem to have found a good ally in heavy fatty breakfasts, that help with sugar cravings. My vegetable intake has increased thanks to the "at least one vegetable in every meal" challenge.

5. Owning more clothes. This is a hard goal for me, as I hate so much going clothes shopping, but I am getting better at it. I still tend to postpone my shopping time, but I am doing better.

6. Clean and decluttered house. I've always hated chores, but recently, with all the extra energy I've gained with the WHM, I just do everything without even thinking. I am pretty happy with how the house usually looks now.

7. Growing savings. This hasn't been easier, because I had to face several big expenses this year, but at least I'm finishing the year with my savings account in the same state it was when the year started, and not less. Good.

8. Reading and 9. Icelandic. Not so good. I seem to have lost interest in both of these activities, that have always been so rewarding. I'll let myself rest with this for a longer time, until I feel like I want to do them again.

10. Music practice. Oh, yes. Big goal, big results. Facing fears with BigGuy, learning quite a lot from him.

 

So all in all, a good year, I'd say.

Now, to the WHM final report!

[Lara]

CHAPTER 14: THE WOLVERINE ADVENTURE SERIES (I)

 

WIM HOF METHOD FINAL REPORT.

 

I've made a list of all the areas I expected to improve by taking this course, and I've also included all those things I didn't know would change but changed. Let's take a look:

 

Things I wanted to improve:

 

Breathing rate. I started the course at 17-20 (relaxed, sitting), and I am disappointed to say, that I am still there, more or less. I am maybe at 14-16 now, but there hasn't been a big change.

Heart rate. Same as breathing, this hasn't changed. I am still at 70 something beats per minute.

Anxiety levels. Now, this. THIS. I am so happy. My anxiety levels are almost always low, and I get to handle it much better when it shoots up. I have more clarity of mind.

Energy levels. This has been awesome. I have so much energy all day long. I don't seem to ever get tired, even when I sleep poorly or not much. That said, as soon as I finish dinner I get supersleepy and I absolutely need to go to bed.

Blood circulation. I don't know. I still suffer from cold feet, but my hands have improved a lot. They react much better to temperature changes, and I get specially good results after a cold bath. But there is room for improvement here. I hope that with time my feet will finally get to be able to regulate themselves.

Cold adaptation. This is good. Surprising. I need way less clothes than what has always been usual for me. I've gone from thinking "it's a bit cold, I'd rather put on a cardigan" at 22ºC to thinking "17ºC? I guess I can go on with a t-shirt". It is end november and I'm still wearing only one sleeve at work (I don't use the heating, but everybody else does so the place is quite warm), and I can usually bear walking in the streets with just that by day. By night, specially if it's windy, I'm still needing warm clothes like everybody else. When I work out outside, I'm still wearing a tank top (10-12ºC) when I would usually be wearing a hoody, even if it was a thin one.

 

Things that unexpectedly changed:

 

Lung capacity. It grew up about 1/3. Amazing!

Sleep. I sleep better. I always had a light sleep, but it is way deeper now. I wake up less in the middle of the night, and if I do, I will, 1) get back to sleep without trouble, 2) stay awake in bed without any anxiety or worry about not sleeping, I will just rest, 3) turn on a light and read some poetry. I've also noticed that I sleep less, and that I am fine with 6-7 hours, 7:30 tops. The most awesome thing is that it doesn't really matter if I sleep even less than that, I can go on with 4-5 hours of sleep and feel fine, focused and full of energy the whole day.

Pain threshold. I used to worry about every ouchy, not anymore. The level at which I start considering something as pain is higher.

Focus. Oh, wow. The activity which has gained the more benefits has been self-defence, but I find myself more focused in many areas, I've noticed a lot of change at work.

Recovery times. My level of activity has increased quite a lot, and the same has happened with my workouts frequency, and yet I feel fine and keep on going on and improving myself without trouble. My rest days are now fully active days where I walk for hours or work on my abs, yoga or push-ups.

Mood. Nothing like a crazy cold bath to raise my mood to the top. If you find me dancing and singing like a crazy while I prepare my breakfast or lunch, that means I've been into that icy pool

Push-ups. Oh, oh, oh. From 2 to 17 in... let me see... 4 months. Last time I tried to improve my push-ups, I worked on them for 3 months everyday, and I went from 2 to 6-7.

Mobility. The day my forehead touched my knee I thought I was dreaming... And I'll soon get the split, oh yeah.

There are so many things that are not that important. This is obviously related to my levels of anxiety having gone down, and to the mood boost that cold water gives me. I simply don't get a f*** anymore about so many things. I get less angry, I take things less seriously, less things bother me, and this makes life easier.

 

All in all, I think that taking this course has been one of the best decisions I've made in my life. And I feel that there are still more benefits to come in the long run. This is going to be a cold cold winter...

 

 

[Lara]

I forgot one thing!

 

Self-confidence. I imagine it comes from a mixture of things. Facing fear and pain from the icy water and knowing that I am capable of doing it, added to the high levels of energy, and the huge fitness improvements I've made, make me feel really really good. I feel stronger, and bolder, and that's starting to change my self-image.

[Owlet]

WOW. You're seriously making me want to try out this crazy course! What amazing results, well done  

[Lara]

It did me good last year to do a thorough recap and new planning at the end of the year, so I'm repeating it this next week, same questions:

 

End of year review. Questions.

 

What you've done

What have you accomplished this year?

What are you specially proud of?

What did you do that makes you smile just to think about it?

What is something you did this year you think you will remember for the rest of your life?

In what area do you feel you made your biggest improvements?

Who contributed to your successes?

 

Leassons learned

What are the 3 most important things you learned this year?

What mistakes did you make, and what did you learn from them?

Where did you not take responsibility?

What was the most challenging part of this year? What got in your way? What were the biggest challenges or barriers you faced? Did fear, failure or self-doubt take over at some point?

 

Regain focus

How satisfied are you with how you spent the year?

How was your life consistent with your values?

What do you need to let go?

Where are you feeling stuck?

How can you show your gratitude and appreciation to those who have supported you?

How can you apply your new strengths and abilities to move forward this new year?

What would you like to be different in the upcoming year? What are you willing to do to make this change a reality?

What barriers do you anticipate and what strategies can you put into place to overcome these barriers?

 

Start the new year

What are your goals for the new year?

What are the first steps you need to take to achieve these goals?

What do you want to accomplish next year, such that it is your best year ever?

[Lara]

What you've done

 

What have you accomplished this year?

Definitely know myself better. I did quite a lot of journaling and meditation during the first 6 months of the year and it has helped to build a better self. I've also learnt a lot about the tricks my mind plays on me.

I improved my overall fitness too. I am stronger, faster, more resilient.

 

What are you specially proud of?

Cold exposure. Specially when temperatures dropped and water became awfully cold. I am proud that I sticked to the course and my goals with it.

Also proud that I decided I would work on a group of overarching goals through the year and I kept my decision (and everything is better in those areas).

 

What did you do that makes you smile just to think about it?

Push-ups. One of my most hated moves. Gone from 2-3 wobbly ones, to thirty.

Breathing cycles: being able to spend 3 minutes without air in my body without feeling bad.

The day my forehead touched my knee!

Amazingly low levels of anxiety!

 

What is something you did this year you think you will remember for the rest of your life?

Wim Hof course. No doubt.

 

In what area do you feel you made your biggest improvements?

I know more about my limits and about how to push them away. Also, flexibility and strength (finally!).

 

Who contributed to your successes?

On one side, the discovery of the ACT therapy, that literally changed the way in which I relate to my brain now.

On anothe side, support from NF people. It's so difficult to find people interested in the things I'm interested, let alone passionated. Every time I explain the WH method to someone what I receive are nothing but weird looks and comments on how crazy I am, how dangerous that is, and how they would never ever try such thing. But here I've found a lot of support. Many people followed my threads and were there to comment on what I was learning and experiencing and also to cheer me up when I needed it. Definitely couldn't have done this without the people here, I would have probably quit when things started to be difficult.

 

Leassons learned

 

What are the 3 most important things you learned this year?

Once again, that I can't trust my brain when I wake up in the middle of the night. It will pull out the worst thoughts ever and I will have tendency to get entangled in them.

That my body gives more than one signal before disaster happens (in the form of anxiety, sickness or whatever), and that I still try to ignore those signals when I just don't want to stop. I usually pay a high price for it.

Mind knowledge and control are the best tools, no matter what you're trying to accomplish.

And a fourth one! Hearty, fatty breakfasts keep all type of cravings away.

 

What mistakes did you make, and what did you learn from them?

Not listening to my body. Not stopping when I need it.

 

Where did you not take responsibility?

Aside from not listening to my body, I think I did pretty well on this this year. 

 

What was the most challenging part of this year? What got in your way? What were the biggest challenges or barriers you faced? Did fear, failure or self-doubt take over at some point?

First part of the year, the ACT therapy, to change the way I related to my brain and its problems.

Second part of the year, cold.

Biggest barriers: brain again. I wrote a post sometime ago where I talked about how my brain manipulates me into thinking I can't do things and how reality systematically proves my brain is wrong. And yet, fear and negativity have a lot of power over me and the decisions I take.

 

Regain focus

 

How satisfied are you with how you spent the year?

I am quite happy. There were some down moments, specially around april, but most of the year has been interesting and fruitful.

 

How was your life consistent with your values?

I did quite good here. I worked a lot on my values at the beginning of the year, and then chose goals according to some of them. This way of working has been productive, I may repeat it.

 

What do you need to let go?

Lack of confidence. Being too concerned about how people see me or what they think of what I do with my life (this is improving fast).

 

Where are you feeling stuck?

Social areas. This is the worst. I have barely no people I can share things with. I have not many friends, all of them live far away, and I've been feeling lonely many times around the year. At the same time, I find most people are boring and I don't really want to spend time with them, seems like a waste of time. I'd like to find people I have more in common, but seems so far from happening. I've been thinking I should go out more, try to be more social, do more social activities, but meh. I guess I don't really know how to do it, or maybe I am not brave enough.

 

How can you show your gratitude and appreciation to those who have supported you?

I really, reeeeaaaally try to follow threads and give as much support as I receive, but sometimes I get trapped by life and can't find the time to follow everybody I want to follow. Also, english is like my fourth language, which doesn't make it easy to read and write fast...

 

How can you apply your new strengths and abilities to move forward this new year?

I think my new strengths and abilities are still building themselves, and that the new year would better be used to consolidate them rather than to explore new areas.

 

What would you like to be different in the upcoming year? What are you willing to do to make this change a reality?

I would like to open myself more to people, but I don't really know where to start.

 

What barriers do you anticipate and what strategies can you put into place to overcome these barriers?

That I wouldn't know where to start, and that it's not easy to open more to people when you receive nothing but weird looks or joker comments about things that are important to you. Maybe I could start by trying to have more contact with those people that don't do that. Also, lack of confidence might be a big barrier, and that small talk bores me to death.

 

Start the new year

 

What are your goals for the new year?

I would like to continue the work I started with the WH method, I would like to think a bit on how I could make myself to go clothes shopping more (rewards?) and be more satisfied with my image. And I've already talked about social areas.

 

What are the first steps you need to take to achieve these goals?

Maybe retake the WH course, maybe take the new one to reaffirm things, maybe just keep on going on my own.

F*** go clothes shopping.

Try and give an opportunity to know better those people I think I could have some affinity with.

 

What do you want to accomplish next year, such that it is your best year ever?

I want to stop being scared of being or feeling cold.

I want to be stronger, overall.

I want to be able to do pull-ups.

I want to be able to run uphill like there is no tomorrow.

I want handstands.

 

 

[SymphonicDan]

You've had a such an inspiring year, and I wish you a similar path for next year  Thank you for keeping us updated on your adventures and experiments, because at least for me reading what you do teaches me and encourages me a lot!

 

11 hours ago, zenLara said:

Every time I explain the WH method to someone what I receive are nothing but weird looks and comments on how crazy I am, how dangerous that is, and how they would never ever try such thing.

 

Out of interest how do you explain it to random people? My explanation is hidden in the spoiler, and I don't think it's the best:

 

Spoiler

There's this breathing technique that's supposed to have a load of health benefits like increased energy, faster recovery, etc., which seems legit although I'm still investigating the science behind it. It was developed by a Dutch guy called Wim Hof, who became famous for things like marching up Everest in his shorts... I've been trying it and one side-effect is that I can hold my breath for over 3 minutes

 

[Lara]

2 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

Out of interest how do you explain it to random people? My explanation is hidden in the spoiler, and I don't think it's the best:

 

  Hide contents

There's this breathing technique that's supposed to have a load of health benefits like increased energy, faster recovery, etc., which seems legit although I'm still investigating the science behind it. It was developed by a Dutch guy called Wim Hof, who became famous for things like marching up Everest in his shorts... I've been trying it and one side-effect is that I can hold my breath for over 3 minutes

 

I think I do more or less the same. I explain a bit of who WH is, and say I took his course on cold exposure, and that it contains exercises that help the vascular system to improve, like the breathing and the yoga. Usually the fat brown breathing exercise (which I find the most fascinating, I am f*** producing tons of heat on my own!) is dismissed with comments like "oh, I know, it's that quick breathing, like this (and here they start puffing and huffing like if they were through labor or something), yeah, I know about it, sure, sure, you get warm, yeah". I find it puzzling that no ones seems to be shocked by the fact that I can stay for 3 minutes without air in my lungs, I think they can't just believe me. And then I go on with the cold showers and all that, and then is when I get the worst comments. Seriously, I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by idiots. One guy told me he knows about WH, but that it's all bullshit, that he never reached the top of the Everest and that he probably lies about everything he says. The only exception is one of the pianists I work with, who seemed interested and asked me questions and told me she may come back to this later because she found the topic fascinating.

Since people don't seem to be much interested on the subject, I took the decision I wouldn't talk about it anymore, but still my boyfriend brought this up yesterday at his parents house, and his father gave me a speech on how dangerous it is to put yourself in cold water, all the risks I am taking by doing so, and then spent the day making stupid jokes about me and my pool. He was an ass, really.

 

2 hours ago, SymphonicDan said:

You've had a such an inspiring year, and I wish you a similar path for next year  Thank you for keeping us updated on your adventures and experiments, because at least for me reading what you do teaches me and encourages me a lot!

So nice to hear this!  Thank you!

[Lara]

Why am I procrastinating? (on music practice, on exercising, reading, calling the new gym... it's permeating my whole life)

 

On one side, problems with teeth have been a downer. First emotionally (anxiety, fears, guilts...) and then physically (pain, unable to sleep and eat). I have seen my levels of energy go really low, I even had to leave work earlier a couple of days because I just couldn't stand the whole day.

Then, once a bit of time has elapsed, I have quite a negative view of my last lessons with BigGuy. I kind of feel like the message is the same, that I don't "grow up" and keep performing shyly. Also, the fact that I don't seem to find a pianist to rehearse my repertoire with or to give any recitals (a thing which BigGuy encouraged me strongly to do - a thing I haven't done in ages) makes me think a lot of the work I do is not worthy, since I just keep playing at home without any context.

Finally, I feel like I'm in need of a vacation. From work, mainly. My students are lovely and I enjoy working with them, but they are very energy consuming and I feel like I need a recharge. I also took the daughter of one of my colleagues as a private student, as a favor to his father, and since she's coming on saturdays mornings, my free time is getting shortened. Which I wouldn't mind at all if I weren't feeling this low. The kid is a dear and she works hard, so it is nice to teach her, but oh.

 

One of the things I'm sure would help would be to journal about what is happening, to at least let some of my emotions come out, and in fact I have been doing so for the last hour, in quite an efficient way, since I felt encouraged to write this post afterwards.

 

- Wim Hof course.

What is holding me off? Cold showers are -unexpectedly- the easiest part right now. But I'm finding it hard to keep on the breathing, because this week exercise is too intense, and also I am feeling that tasks are piling up (humming, ice bucket, cold yoga...)

What can I do? I'm thinking of reducing it to the minimum, keep the core exercises and forget about the rest by now. So only breathing and cold showers, and staying at the current week for longer.

 

- Calling the new gym.

What is holding me off? Talking to strangers on the phone (I know, I know, it is so silly), going to a new place with new people, possible money expense, having to go so far for the activity, driving in the capital.

What can I do? Stop anticipating about so many things. Just making the call, with any aim to make any decision, and ask about how much the classes cost.

 

- Going outside.

What is holding me off? The weather, the f*** weather. I can't believe it snowed this morning. C'mon this is Spain, it's almost April, why is it snowing and being so cold?

What can I do? Decide where is the limit. I stay inside the house if it is: snowing, pouring with rain, windy. I go out, no matter what, if it is: cold, sunny, drizzling.

 

- Exercising.

What is holding me off? Lately, it's been a problem of lack of energy. But I'm feeling a bit low in general, after a few failed challenges. I have never failed so many challenges in a row, and I have not level up since at least november. This makes me sad, things were working so good this past year...

What can I do? I think that first step could be, same as with WH course, to reduce it. I think I can try to keep attending my self-defence lessons for a while, with maybe, maybe, one walk once a week. Then I can get back to WH yoga, maybe after one week (these are very short  and easy sessions, not like the old course). Later, I can go back to those other things I want to do (abs, handstands, pull-ups), but only after I feel like I'm getting somewhere with my routine.

 

- Music practice.

What is holding me off? I have completely stopped practicing after having my teeth extracted, because obviously I was physically unable to play. But now I've lost my routine and momentum, and the bad sensations about my last trip to London are not helping.

What can I do? It would do me good to sit down and review my notes on the lessons, recall my sensations, and write about how the trip was, objectively. Also, I can go back to allot a specific time for my practice and just practice, and forget about chasing goals. Just do the work, focusing on the process.

 

- Reading.

What is holding me off? I get bored very easily lately, the books seem uninteresting and I just keep dropping books. But the thing is I don't think they are actually that boring, it is that I don't get to focus during my reading time,  I think it is a concentration problem.

What can I do? Build the habit from zero again, following what I learnt reading zenhabits (a book that I actually enjoyed and finished, by the way).

 

In the overall, I also think there are two more things to do to improve the situation: 1) avoid criticizing myself for aaaaall the things I'm not doing; and 2) wake up earlier! I have been sleeping in, specially this last week, and it was justified because of the pain from teeth removal and the lack of energy, but I am sure I can slowly go back to get up early.

 

[Owlet]

On 18/03/2018 at 9:15 AM, zenLara said:

1) avoid criticizing myself for aaaaall the things I'm not doing

Haha oh wow, that hit home. 

 

Good job on journalling and coming up with a solid plan of how to tackle your lack of motivation! Looks like a great way forward  

[Lara]

4 hours ago, Owlet said:

Good job on journalling and coming up with a solid plan of how to tackle your lack of motivation!

I hope it will work 

 

4 hours ago, Owlet said:

Haha oh wow, that hit home. 

Is there anyone in this planet that doesn't do that? There should be a well financed research for a vaccine.

[Lara]

CHAPTER 14: THE WOLVERINE ADVENTURE SERIES (II)

 

More on WH.

 

Now that winter is definitely over, I want to reflect on a few more changes the WHM has brought into my life. They may be considered very small changes, but they have made my life more comfortable, and they help me to have an idea of which was my condition before I knew of this method.

 

- First, maybe I've already mentioned it: use of less layers of clothes. It's not that winters are that awful here, but I've always been in need of my winter coat, gloves and wool hat in most days of january, february, and sometimes march. This year, when we've had temperatures low enough to have some snow even in april, I've been using only a short down coat, without any need of wearing a sweater below it except at nights. No gloves, no hat, except for a couple of days. And no sweater needed at work.

- Second, I didn't even notice it until my boyfriend made a remark, but I haven't been using the car heating, not even when I was driving to self-defence early in the morning when we were below or around 0ºC.

- Third, I had completely forgotten, but for the last years I needed a small heater in the bathroom when I showered, so I wouldn't be frozen while undressing and dressing myself. I didn't even remember about it until a couple of weeks ago when I found it inside a cupboard.

- Fourth, my feet are still cold in winter, I guess there's more work needed on them, but, these last years the problem with my feet had become so extreme that sometimes I would cry when I would notice the warmth of the water in the shower falling over my feet. No crying this winter, no such intense feeling of having been frozen and in pain.

- Fifth, I've always hated dressing and undressing myself. It's not only about the cold during the process, but also about the amount of layers I always needed to have on me. Since I feel less the cold and I need less layers, this hated moment (waking up, going to work, showering, going to bed...) is now just a thing I do, without moaning.

- Sixth (this is about the difference between when I first tried the WHM and now during my second try), I no longer shiver or feel cold after cold showers. I'm never in a hurry to get dressed, I feel good, and even many times there is a very nice warmth sensation coming from inside my body.

 

I feel that I am closer to being a normal person now, regarding my response to cold and low temperatures, instead of being so cold-sensitive.

[Lara]

I've been thinking one of my projects for these upcoming holidays could be to retake the ACT books and do a second run on the exercises. Some of the techniques I have kept them with me this past year, but others had been forgotten and it would probably be helpful to go a bit farther with both groups.

To start with, I want to do an assessment of how some things have already changed thanks to that first "round", and I thought reviewing the state of my negative core beliefs would be a nice place to begin.

On february 2017 I made a concise summary of my main recurrent negative thoughts, assembled by topic or similarity, and my plan is to check how much of it has already changed and which areas are still feeling as dark as always.

There were 4 main areas: professional self, personal self, body, and change.

 

On 5/2/2017 at 12:14 PM, zenLara said:

Professional self is formed by 3 core beliefs, each one with its tail of reinforcing thoughts:

 

The first one is the very well known impostor syndrome. My main thoughts on this are rambles about how a bad teacher/musician/flutist I am, and how I am not at all made for this profession. Some day someone will finally see this. I have the delusion that my students play well. I'm just not good at music.

The second one here is the bad flutist belief. This is specifically about how a bad flutist I am, so it is more precise that the last one. This is about flute being such a difficult instrument to me, that I will never play it well, that I should have chosen to study piano -which was far more easier for me-, or better, I should have chosen to go to the uni and be a literature teacher. Flute practice will always be a fight, and I will never win a battle.

Third one is the failure belief. Main thoughts are about how I never made it to the positions I wanted, how I haven't been good enough, and about comparisons with other people far more successful than me.

 

Impostor syndrome and its chain of thoughts has weakened. Sharing worries and thoughts about teaching with other professionals I respect is helping, since I see they have the very same doubts and problems I find in my own teaching experience. Also, new music projects, like playing difficult pieces in concert with my advanced students, help to create a better image.

Bad flutist. Ha. Well. This is changing, but veeeery slowly and in a small rate. Attending lessons with BigGuy helps somehow, since it proves I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but at the same time, these lessons make me feel vulnerable and exposed, and also make me realise how far I am from my goals. There is always a negative trace after these trips to London, but at the same time I always get excited about it. I think that if this negative belief is to change, it will certainly need time.

The failure belief. This is better. I don't compare myself so much nowadays, although I may have some bad days. I am lucky enough that some of my students want to make the jump and go pro, so I've been recommending them to take lessons with other teachers, attending to summer courses and such, and this strikes hard right at the center of my doubts both as a flutist and a teacher, because I worry about how other flutists will judge the work I've done with them, and how these students will see me once they start to know and work with "actual" musicians (yeah, I know, it is such a sad thing to say to oneself).

 

Overall, there's been improvement in this area, and the common pattern seems to be to go past my fears and take action on it, whether it is by talking to other teachers to share worries or by getting advice from other professionals.

 

On 5/2/2017 at 12:14 PM, zenLara said:

Personal self has other 3 ramifications:

 

I'm a mess. I'm a mess, I not good for anything, my life is sad.

Bad person. I'm selfish and mean, everything goes wrong because of me, it's my fault because I'm such a bad person.

Loneliness. I'm boring, I don't know how to connect with people, people don't like me, I'm weird, I don't have friends.

 

First two have improved a lot. I don't even remember when was the last time I said to myself "I am a mess", which is good, because this is one of my most recurrent negative thoughts, directly transmitted by my mother. I don't feel anymore that my life is sad, or that I am not good for anything. There are activities in my life I enjoy doing, I feel active most of the time, I have projects.

Loneliness, however, seems to be here to stay. I feel better regarding loneliness itself, maybe because I got used to being with myself. But I still have so many doubts about how people see me, if they like me, that I'm weird, and so on.

 

Keeping an active life and taking risks seem to help with these too.

 

On 5/2/2017 at 12:14 PM, zenLara said:

Body:

 

Weakness belief. I'm small, fragile, people look at me and think I'm ridiculous, I will never be able to do those push-ups, or pull ups or have real strength, I'm skinny and puny, I can't put on weight.

Fragility belief. I have a frail body and a bad health, I'm always getting sick, I don't take care of my body, I only eat crap.

Tiredness belief. I'm so tired, I can't do anything else, I can't go on, this is exhausting. This is one of my faves at night, when I come back home and I assure myself I'm not even capable of reading a book because I'm so tired.

 

Weakness. This is much better. Once more, taking action seems to be the solution. I may be weak, in fact, but I work on strengthening myself and that's what seems to count to change this belief. I have less negative thoughts about my possibilities in the future. I still have many doubts regarding pull-ups and handstands, but I don't feel so blocked on other moves, like push-ups. I face training with the confidence that things will change, right the opposite than before. I still have to be aware of my thoughts when I train difficult things like push-ups, since my brain will still try to bring up those negative beliefs (it did so this morning) and replace them with more positive expressions. I can do it, go on, you've got this, seem to be words enough to get me to that last push-up I need to do. Overall, I feel less defeated.

Fragility. Even when I've been sick as many times as always, my sensations on this past year is that I got better. I think the WH course has a lot to do with my perception on this. Also, I don't beat myself that much when I eat things that don't help me, and thus this leads to eating less crap. Taking action is the best, because every time I think I don't care take of my body, I can recall plenty of small or big things I do everyday to take care of it.

Tiredness. Now, I've been thinking a lot about this. I think this belief was very strong once because it is built over a reality: the fact that I feel indeed tired at nights and I'm useless after dinner, and the fact that there are periods of my life were I feel I have no strength or will to do anything. Now, the first situation has gotten better since I've started to accept I will be tired at nights. That's it. I do plenty of things in the morning, I keep myself busy, and then I work on afternoon-evening shifts, which are always more fatiguing than a morning shift. So it's ok if the simple actions of brushing my teeth and doing 5 minutes of yoga feel like a burden. It's ok. Then, for longer periods of inactivity, they are always related to an anxiety peak and/or lack of nutrition. Since the WH method has made anxiety peaks less frequent and more manageable, these periods are less frequent, but I still get trapped on the not enough food error. I think that if I could just assure myself there is ALWAYS enough food at home, 80% of this problem would be solved, and I could say goodbye to my belief on my perpetual tiredness.

 

Once again, action against the belief. It is not about fighting my thoughts, trying to convince myself they are wrong, trying to change how I think. All of that drives to a perpetual fight against myself that depletes energy. Instead, apply the thank you or the river techniques for the momentary thoughts and then make those thoughts change by themselves proving by my actions that they're a thing from the past.

 

On 5/2/2017 at 12:14 PM, zenLara said:

Change:

 

This is by far, the worst. This is just one simple sentence that is stucked in my mind. Only the "I am a mess" has the same strength. "Always the same/I'm always the same/I'm always doing the same". I don't know if this translates in english as the same it means in my own language. It's the certainty of things having been always the same for everyone of my other beliefs, and the reassurance that I/things/life will never change and will be forever as bad as I have always thought they are in my mind.

 

This negative thought has been away for a long while. The fact that I take the effort everyday to build a better version of myself is making this belief step back from daily life. It can still be present in some areas like my flute practice (where it helps to reinforce my bad flutist belief) or my inability to face confrontations appropriately, but overall I'm much better. Working everyday to change a tiny little bit, and the results this has had in the long run, make me feel I have the ability to change and evolve. I always had it, of course, but now it is more present. I look at how I was only one year ago and how I am now and I get excited about how will I be in another year. Or five.

 

Taking action seems to be the solution to most of my painful conflicts with my mind. ACT guys are definitely right

[Lara]

CHAPTER 14: THE WOLVERINE ADVENTURE SERIES (III)

 

Rules to be a healthy and happy Wolverine (under construction)

 

1. Wolverine keeps food at home. Plenty of it. And she eats heavy breakfasts.

2. Wolverine follows her schedule for breathing, yoga, push-ups and abs.

3. Wolverine attends her self-defence lessons.

4. Wolverine trains.

5. Wolverine takes cold showers everyday.

6. Wolverine exposes herself to the elements. Heat. Cold. Sun. Rain.

7. Wolverine learns new things.

8. Wolverine understands when she needs to stop and rest.

 

[WhiteGhost]

On 6/19/2018 at 5:52 PM, zenLara said:

On february 2017 I made a concise summary of my main recurrent negative thoughts, assembled by topic or similarity, and my plan is to check how much of it has already changed and which areas are still feeling as dark as always.

There were 4 main areas: professional self, personal self, body, and change.

I think this is a very useful exercise.  I will make an attempt at this at some point during this challenge

[Lara]

On 7/6/2018 at 10:20 AM, WhiteGhost said:

I think this is a very useful exercise.  I will make an attempt at this at some point during this challenge

It was long and painful to do it, but it paid. First, because I put an order to all that mess in my head. Categorising thoughts helped building a structure, so when they would appear I would immediately understand which part of myself they were attacking and why. Second, because it has made it easier to see, a year later, the particular improvement in each area. Defnitely recommend 10/10

 

I saw you had a discussion about inner criticism in your thread, I would have liked to take part on it, but there were so many messages, and I always get very stressed when I get to talk about personal things because of insecurity and thinking whatever I say will feel redundant so I finally decided not to intervene. But as you can see, I have plenty of experience on it.