LittleMissSunshine's First Kick At The Can

[LittleMissSunshine]

I'm here almost a week late, but better late than never? This past week has been insane for me and I haven't been around these parts since October, so I am glad to see I didn't miss the start by too much. I'm going to throw myself in here and hope for the best over the next 5 weeks & 2 days!

 

A little background... I'm a 34 year old mom of two. I've struggled with my weight my entire adult life, and am, as of this week, at my lowest adult weight *ever*. This is a Very Big Deal to me, as I have worked hard over the past two years to get here, and have lost well over 70 pounds, from a high of 248 when my youngest child was 6 weeks old, to 171 as of earlier this week. I am spitting distance from my goal now - at the urging of my doctor and my sports chiro, I have decided on a goal of anything <170. Besides, I'd rather be a badass than have a skinny ass, so I'm focusing on ability, not numbers. Though to be fair, seeing the numbers drop is a huge boost to me.

 

I'm also in a sticky life situation at the moment... in the past few months, my marriage has gone to hell. My husband and I are in the early stages of separation, and it has thus far not been pretty. Unfortunately, due to some ridiculous debt and my unwillingness to uproot the kids from our community, it continues to be complicated as we cohabitate. This is making for a very stressful situation for us all, and one that kills my motivation. I need this challenge to keep moving, otherwise I fear I'll slip back into the habits that caused me to gain so much weight in the first place. Sweating soothes the anxious beast in my brain.

 

So. Here's the deal - my goals are going to be things I need to do, not things I want to see. Whatever body comes with being able to complete these goals is A-OK by me.

 

Main Quest

 

Run my VERY FIRST half marathon, scheduled for June 1, 2014.

 

Three Goals

 

 - Eat a healthy breakfast every single day. This is a huge downfall of mine, and a major barrier in my fitness plans.

 - Run 3x a week

 - Complete an additional 3 bodyweight workouts every week, not including the sports I play

 

Life Quests

 

 - Stick to my budget and pay down debt.

 - Read at least some of a real book (not the internet!) every day, and not one for work.

 - Make a point of calling friends just to hang out. I'm so bad at turning into a hermit, and I need to stop! It's making me unhappy.

 

Here I am. Let's do this. 

[Skigh]

Ambitious goals sunshine! I particularly like doing 3 bbww in addition to sports. I bet you will be more than happy with the results these goals will yield.

 

Looking forward to the next 6 weeks. Take names and kick that anxious beast out of your life!

 

What book do you plan on reading?

[LittleMissSunshine]

What can I say? I'm an ambitious person.   I play ball hockey 3x a week too (Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday), so that makes the 3 bodyweight workouts a bit of a challenge, but one I need. Just means I have to plan, and not fall into "I'll do it later", since there is no later that will have time to squeeze in a missed workout!

 

Half marathon training also begins today. I'll be hitting the hamstermill after work and Scouts. I'd normally run at lunch, but the forecast is mixed rain and snow, so.... no. No way. I'm pretty tough, but I'm not subjecting myself to that only to have to return to the office without a shower to warm up.

[beefit]

Hello Sunshine, I dig your Main Quest  

SFO has a great half marathon this July, and I'm hoping to take part as well. 

 

You're right, sweating is the best way to deal with stress and sticky situations. Wish you all the best.. you're setting a great example for the kids!

 

What distance do you run typically? I found making a schedule and gradually increasing distance very helpful.

[LittleMissSunshine]

beefit - I'm usually a short-distance runner. Most of my runs just for the sake of running are in the 4-7k range, usually around 5.5k because it's a convenient distance for me to run both in time and in route during my lunch break at work. Admittedly my runs have been short lately, even shorter than my usual 5.5k, because I've had to run on the treadmill or outside in the snow and I've given up sooner than I would if I were running outdoors in good conditions. I haven't had my run buddies with me lately, and that makes it easier for me to quit sooner than I would otherwise.

 

So. That said, yesterday was a gong show. I knew going into it that I was likely not going to do as well as I'd planned. I didn't sleep *at all* Sunday night, and by the time I got home from work, I knew I wasn't going to make it to Scouts either. 15 minutes of napping on the bus was all the sleep I'd had in 36 hours by that point. I was texting with a friend, and he urged me to just go to bed and not even attempt 30 minutes on the treadmill, so I did.

 

I did, however, make some progress on my Life Quests. I tucked myself into bed with my laptop and a book nice and early after putting the kids to bed. Spent an hour crunching the mid-month budget assessment, and am very happy with where the money is going. Nearly halfway through the month and I have spent only 27% of my allotted personal allowance. Hoping to come in well under my maximum this month, to allow for some extra to go onto the debt. Also rearranged the credit card debt onto low-interest LOCs as a first step in committing to paying this sh*t off as quickly as possible.

 

Life Quest #2 got some love as well - I spent an hour reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. It was a gift from one of my besties, and I cannot express how much I have learned from this book despite being only a small fraction of the way through it. I read and re-read and re-read again this section on shame, and identified with it so much. So. Much. It was uncomfortable and relieving at the same time. Tears were shed.

 

After that, the laptop came out again and Life Quest #3 got a kickstart. Not so much in the socializing way that I intended when I first wrote my goals, but still in a being-vulnerable way. I accepted a referral for a free counselling session from a friend of a friend who works in non-profit and has such connections, and also connected with my employer-provided EAP for some "E-Counselling", which is essentially email/secure message-based counselling, as my schedule is such that the stress of finding time to phone or go to an in-person appointment would be an incredible source of stress. My husband is not so thrilled at the fact that I am pursuing individual counselling, and it was a source of great tension (and almost an argument) last night. But I went to bed feeling good about putting myself out there to deal with how I'm feeling and finding strategies to cope as I try to maintain my sanity in separation limbo, even if he can't get behind it.

 

Goals for today: Remember to eat (lack of sleep and stress make me starve myself). Play ball hockey tonight, and play hard. Do a quick bodyweight workout before bed - 15 minutes is better than nothing.

[TXWarrior]

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage.  Being married can be a struggle and a blessing at different times, but also at the same time.  However, I want to challenge you this 6 weeks making a more conscious effort to be respectful and open with your partner.  As a woman myself, I know that after being hurt so often, and so deep, those two things tend to be pushed onto the back burner.  From my experience, it is not a helpful way to deal with problems.  So, I challenge you to be respectful (even if he doesn't deserve it), and be open so that he can reciprocate.  

 

As someone who has been divorced, it is the deepest hurt you will experience.  I spent a few years self medicating with alcohol and bad relationships.  Now, I'm trying to move forward in a new marriage with an amazing man.  I do find myself slipping into those old habits of not being respectful and being withdrawn from our relationship even during minor arguments.  

 

You are more than welcome to completely disregard this!  I don't know the specifics to your relationship, but I like to pay forward the best advice I received when marrying my second husband.  I don't want any woman to know the hurt I've been through.  I do encourage you to do what is best for you!

 

And good luck being a bad ass!  I love the motivational phrase you're using!  It's so encouraging for fat bottom girls like me!  (Because we make the rock 'n roll world go round!!!) 

 

Best of Luck!

-T

[LittleMissSunshine]

TXWarrior, thank you for the comments! I will absolutely not disregard, because you have said some things that are important for me to keep in the back of my brain. Being open and respectful has been hard for me, because he has not shown me the same courtesy, so I tend to be volatile. In addition, I tend to internalize a lot of the hurtful things I hear - way back when I did counseling in my early 20s, I remember my counselor commenting that I seem to say horrible things to myself in an effort to make the horrible things said by other people hurt less. I totally do. And then I retreat into an internal cave of shame and pain and lash out when anyone comes near. I recognize that, and it is so hard to break that cycle.

 

But we had another 'issue' this week, the details of which I won't divulge quite so publicly. And rather than explode like I have in the past and throw out poisoned barbs that are designed to injure rather communicate, I actually stepped back and kept my calm. I think it had an impact. I am learning to tread the fine line between open and vulnerable, because I cannot be the latter with him at the current time. Hoping that when the counselling comes through (in the next few days) that I will develop some techniques to both keep things calm, and also feel emotionally safe.

 

Also re: fat bottomed girls? HELL YEAH. I have a booty and I'm proud of it.

[Ian Fin 8]

I think that is awesome that you are also focusing on your health even while there are other things going on...takes true commitment!  And good work on your personal goals and deal with the stressful situations.  Looking forward to seeing you progress!

 

What marathon are you signing up for?  There are so many these days between just a straight marathon to some theme/twist being added on or having it in a cool location.  I have a friend doing one in Disneyland, which sounds pretty rad.

[TXWarrior]

Awesome! I completely understand the whole putting yourself down, too. I would say and still occasional say some of the most hurtful things about myself. Then, worse, act on them! I would gorge myself on fast food, candy an coke thinking I wasn't any better, and that no one would want to be my friend let alone anything else. I, too, am working on not being so shameful and instead working on the person I should be. I asked myself one day "be someone you would be proud to call your daughter". And it's true, I have to be the example for my future children, and what do I want that example to be? I want a child who is caring, kind, healthy, funny, considerate, thoughtful, and takes care of themselves (physically and mentally). Getting fit is so much more than jut a physical journey for me, it has a reason and a purpose in my life.

As a woman, I know I carry so much more emotion. Some of that emotion I converted to food to help cope with those emotions. In turn, I look in the mirror and all those emotions are "just there". However, I didn't build this body over night, and Correcting it will take more than 6 weeks. But, I'm looking forward to the healing journey, too.

[AndadorArnoth]

You have some great goals, and the atmosphere of positive people you encounter at races like that is truly inspiring.  Enjoy the journey!

[LittleMissSunshine]

Thanks for the support, guys. It means a lot.

 

Ian Fin 8 - I'm doing the Centaur Subaru Half Marathon at the Calgary Marathon this year. It wasn't my intended goal race for 2014 - I had originally planned to go to Vegas and do the half on the Strip at night. But this one in Calgary is local for me, and that cuts down on the expense considerably! I am also thinking about the Dinosaur Valley Half in September in Drumheller. I did the 10K there in 2012 and it was amazing, but it may interfere with plans to do the Spartan Super and/or Beast.

 

TXWarrior - the child analogy? Amazing. And timely. Sh*t went sideways at home again yesterday in a pretty serious way and I totally thought about what you said as we were in the middle of our disagreement. And I think that as a result of keeping that in mind, and also the wise words of some other close friends, I kept a lid on my temper and didn't escalate it into a full-on emotional brawl. I did make some poor food choices as a result, but that was yesterday. Today is a new day!

 

Update on the Quest: Tuesday was alright. Played hockey, did some push ups and squats when I got home. Not as much as I would have liked to have done, but the game was faster than I expected, and compounded by the fact that I took a shoulder check to the head and was laid out pretty hard. Still, good. And I ate breakfast, so check!

 

Wednesday was also not too bad - check for eating breakfast, and check for another quickie bodyweight workout. I also was on my feet all day as I escorted a group from my daughter's grade 1 class all around a local museum, and played a rough ball hockey game in the evening. Got my first penalty of the season and I don't feel bad about it at all.

[teddie.bare]

One of the hardest things for me is breakfast. I had to find something that was easy and filling that I would stick to. I got a Ninja blender with 4 cup attachments, and I have a smoothie every morning for breakfast. I just fill the cup halfway with spinach (you can't taste it in a smoothie) and throw in some liquid (I use whole milk), half a frozen banana, and some protein powder. It gets a good jump start on my protein for the day, and keeps me full for a long time. It's also quick and painless, I just mix it right in the cup, and drink it in the car on the way to work. This means I have like 45g of protein, two servings of veggies, and half a serving of fruit taken care of before my day even starts. I am horrible about making - or eating - real food first thing, so this has been a life saver for me.

 

It sounds like one of the things counseling can help you with is setting boundaries with your husband. I know that the whole boundary thing is hard for most women. I've taken some assertiveness courses over the years, and have had to do a lot of reading on the subject in order to create a healthy space for myself. It sounds like you are doing good being mindful of your temper and keeping things from escalating too far, I know that's a hard step. I've found that people treat us the way we allow them to. Once you find a way to shut them down when they are crossing that line, your everyday relationship will improve. I have had a lot of these problems with my mother - it's not easy to redefine such an ingrained relationship, but it's possible.

 

Good luck. I'm so glad you've found such great physical outlets for your emotions. And congrats on the weight loss! Keeping yourself healthy and strong will go a long way to keeping you sane right now

[Skigh]

Hey!

 

I was away from NF for a few days. Hope things are going well for you today. I'm glad things are going well for you in spite of the crazy times. Props for not using your hockey stick in your interactions with your husband. And also on whoever laid you out. Is anyone tougher than hockey girls? " I took a shoulder check to the head and was laid out pretty hard. Still, good." Ya know. NBD. You rock @ life. Keep it up!

[german]

Hey LittleMissSunshine!, hope things are going good for you, you can count on us, keep us posted!

[Skigh]

Dropping in to say hi. I haven't been on nf for a few days. Need to catch up on my daily log today. I'm planning on starting the Jedi workout soon to alternate with my bbww. Going to get my handstand on. Hope all is well. Try to avoid those checks to the head.