Challenge on Consciousness Episode III

[Sunmage]

Hey,

 

welcome back!

 

We are very happy that so many of you had awesome insights!

For this time please share all your discoveries here...

 

Our topic this week will be prejudices, prejudgement and stereotypes.

 

It is part of being a druid to learn seeing things like they are instead of seeing what they could be or what they are not. 

 

Our brain uses experiences to help us deciding whether we like something or not. They are your own experiences and those you overtook from other people or Tv.

 

For example: If a Italian guy betrayed you, you will see all Italians as gansters. (Sorry Italy )

These "experiences" allow you to react and feel instantly. But you do not know if their base is still true. Many of your little helpers came from other people or your childhood.

 

So it is time to be conscious about them and see if they are true.

 

People mirror your reaction to you. So your prejudice can lead to a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Long story short:

 

Your task is to be conscious about prejudices, prejudgement and stereotypes.

Your main topic to watch is anything related to gender and role.

 

Reflect over how you identify gender wise

Is it positive or negative? Where does it come from?

is it important?

 

• Why did I react like that?
• Why is XY just for Boys/Girls ?
• Do I have to like XY because my job is XYZ? Do I have to like Beer because I am a German Guy?
• Where do "We don't do XY here" "We do XY and nothing else" etc come from? 
• Do my prejudgements protect me from bad experiences? Or also from new experiences and change?
• Why do I have to be XY because I'm a XYZ? Do I have to rational because I'm an engineer?
• Does this mechanism affect your life?
• Did you experience any "self fulfilling prophecy" situation?

Just post your answers here. You do not have to understand every question as long as you are conscious about the topic. Our focus will be led by your achievements!

[NikkiB]

This is an interesting topic.  You'd said you wanted our reflections here? 

 

I remember reading some time ago a professional development book that focused on what happens when we're "crippled by our strengths."  I think that happens to me a lot -- particularly when I reject certain lessons because they come from a source I don't value as highly, when I avoid experiences because of what it would mean sharing with somebody I don't like, or when I make something more difficult than it needs to be.    When I'm not conscious of those knee-jerk reactions, I cut myself off from a great deal of wisdom, joy, and success.

 

One thing I've learned is that I'm something of an intellectual elitist.  If there are a lot of typos in what somebody is writing, or if their spoken accent has a very strong Southern US "twang" to it, then my first instinct is to decide that person isn't very smart and I'll discount the value of what they're saying.  Which...yes, I get that it's shallow of me.  I have to be very conscious of removing that filter of judgment, because I judge HARD, and I'm sure I've missed out on some good stuff.  I'm nearly 45 years old.  I ought to know better, you know?

 

The gender bias shows most when I avoid "women-only" experiences.  I was raised in the military and attended USMA.  I worked very hard to compete against men, because they were frequently the ones to beat when it came to athletics, academics, etc.  For whatever reason, there just weren't a lot of girls and women who shared those interests and with whom I've built lasting friendships.  The notion of having a "women-only" thing set aside really chaps my ass, because why would we need something separate?  Why do we feel like we need to be protected from men?  It's very tangled, and I'm still painfully clumsy about expressing it and working through it.  That's one of the big reasons I joined the NF Women's Academy.  I've got to get over those limitations, because they're really only in my own head and really...I've already met so many awesome people.  It's idiotic of me to cut myself off from 50% of my potential allies in this life.

 

Finally -- and this is the area where I think the (over-)competitive military background comes into play -- I have a tendency to make things hard on myself, when they don't have to be, simply because I can't believe anything worth having is ever easy.  But sometimes, the solution really *is* simple...or the simplest steps, right at the beginning, are the most important.  Nerd Fitness has been a big help for me here, particularly when it comes to setting goals.  It was really hard for me to say that a goal for this challenge was just Getting in Bed by 11 pm.  What a pansy-ass goal! my brain told me.  That's not hard.  Being successful at that isn't worth bragging about.  Why on earth do I need that validation?  Victory is its own prize, or whatever.  Well, what it's lead to in the past is me setting really huge and ambitious goals that are derailed by the tiniest thing, and then I beat myself up about it.  So that noise has to stop.  In whatever the next challenge is, I'd like to focus on at least one more of those "foundational" goals -- less glory in my limited thinking, but likely a lot more "lifetime value" as we go along.

 

Thanks for these prompts...they've triggered a lot of thought!

 

Saff

[citizenkade]

I have a pretty ingrained prejudice against the wealthy. I always have. I know it makes me weak, and I struggle with it.

 

I grew up poor with a wealthy extended family. We could have had a comfortable living if we had lived by the RULES, but my mom was a free spirit, and my dad was a musician. I spent a lot of time living on the road, never stayed in the same town for more than six months at a time. I lived in a campground through first grade. We always could have gone home to LA, and had comfy lives, but my folks fought it.

 

My grandmother has never paid a dollar in income taxes. She has migrant housekeepers and bemoans our nation's lack of border security. She is incredibly wealthy and one of the most unpleasant people I have ever known. She controls my extended family with subtle threats of disinheritance.

 

I wish I could say that my prejudice is unwarranted, but I've been burned by so many wealthy people in life. They don't live in my world, they don't understand anything about how I live. My current situation in business is from trusting a wealthy man who sold out our lease on our restaurant to a wealthy friend, and doesn't understand how we don't have the money to just "make it work".

 

I'm bitter and conflicted. I want to just accept and trust people as they are. I know I am projecting my distrust on people who may not deserve it. I know that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

[Sunmage]

This is an interesting topic.  You'd said you wanted our reflections here? 

 

I remember reading some time ago a professional development book that focused on what happens when we're "crippled by our strengths."  I think that happens to me a lot -- particularly when I reject certain lessons because they come from a source I don't value as highly, when I avoid experiences because of what it would mean sharing with somebody I don't like, or when I make something more difficult than it needs to be.    When I'm not conscious of those knee-jerk reactions, I cut myself off from a great deal of wisdom, joy, and success.

 

One thing I've learned is that I'm something of an intellectual elitist.  If there are a lot of typos in what somebody is writing, or if their spoken accent has a very strong Southern US "twang" to it, then my first instinct is to decide that person isn't very smart and I'll discount the value of what they're saying.  Which...yes, I get that it's shallow of me.  I have to be very conscious of removing that filter of judgment, because I judge HARD, and I'm sure I've missed out on some good stuff.  I'm nearly 45 years old.  I ought to know better, you know?

 

The gender bias shows most when I avoid "women-only" experiences.  I was raised in the military and attended USMA.  I worked very hard to compete against men, because they were frequently the ones to beat when it came to athletics, academics, etc.  For whatever reason, there just weren't a lot of girls and women who shared those interests and with whom I've built lasting friendships.  The notion of having a "women-only" thing set aside really chaps my ass, because why would we need something separate?  Why do we feel like we need to be protected from men?  It's very tangled, and I'm still painfully clumsy about expressing it and working through it.  That's one of the big reasons I joined the NF Women's Academy.  I've got to get over those limitations, because they're really only in my own head and really...I've already met so many awesome people.  It's idiotic of me to cut myself off from 50% of my potential allies in this life.

 

Finally -- and this is the area where I think the (over-)competitive military background comes into play -- I have a tendency to make things hard on myself, when they don't have to be, simply because I can't believe anything worth having is ever easy.  But sometimes, the solution really *is* simple...or the simplest steps, right at the beginning, are the most important.  Nerd Fitness has been a big help for me here, particularly when it comes to setting goals.  It was really hard for me to say that a goal for this challenge was just Getting in Bed by 11 pm.  What a pansy-ass goal! my brain told me.  That's not hard.  Being successful at that isn't worth bragging about.  Why on earth do I need that validation?  Victory is its own prize, or whatever.  Well, what it's lead to in the past is me setting really huge and ambitious goals that are derailed by the tiniest thing, and then I beat myself up about it.  So that noise has to stop.  In whatever the next challenge is, I'd like to focus on at least one more of those "foundational" goals -- less glory in my limited thinking, but likely a lot more "lifetime value" as we go along.

 

Thanks for these prompts...they've triggered a lot of thought!

 

Saff

 

 

Hi,

 

thank you very much for your thoughts.

Yes we want them here. Although your reflection is very personal and mainly for your own use, it is easier for others to find your words and to see they are not alone.

 

I am 24 so by your rules of judgement you could not at all accept any idea from me, right?

 

I am an engineer and work with different scientist. While my own focus is mainly on solving problems, most of the people I work with solve problems they know from university the way they learned there. 

Instead of learning to solve things, they learned 1 way to do it and throw away the rest. If I know to avoid a problem they say we can't do that we have a way to reduce it.

 

Why do we limit ourselves there? Sure, it protects us from a lot of crappy ideas, but we miss a lot.

 

So for you: Gender is a very complex topic. For example german women want perfect equality everywhere. But they do not want to cut their hair short for the army. You will find many examples that tell you: Do not believe everything gender related.

And with that it is easy to do what you like. Not what your gender should like.

Women do not need to be protected at all. Neither do men. All Humans(or all beeings) that need protection have to get them.

 

Do whatever suits you best. I cannot recommend training products for women in general. BUT Steve and Stacy are doing awesome, because they cut out a lot of gender difference crap. There are differences in our biology and education. The last ones lead to a different mental structure. And there are different goals. 

 

Many people fit in stereotypes perfectly. But those who don't are the more interesting ones, aren't they?

So be open to everything and see what comes.

 

 

 

Towards your second problem with goals and achievements: I know this problem. Very well. =)

 

Why do you just want to solve tasks you can brag about?

For whom do you achieve your goals?

Why does your selfrespect need other people?

 

If you are willing to deal with these answers  root structure in your brain, I can recommend you an awesome book.

It is a lot of work, but you can actually understand why you work like that and deal with it.

 

You can also just overcome this behavoíour situation for situation

 

Getting in Bed at 11 is good! It is a great goal many struggle with.

[Sunmage]

I have a pretty ingrained prejudice against the wealthy. I always have. I know it makes me weak, and I struggle with it.

 

I grew up poor with a wealthy extended family. We could have had a comfortable living if we had lived by the RULES, but my mom was a free spirit, and my dad was a musician. I spent a lot of time living on the road, never stayed in the same town for more than six months at a time. I lived in a campground through first grade. We always could have gone home to LA, and had comfy lives, but my folks fought it.

 

My grandmother has never paid a dollar in income taxes. She has migrant housekeepers and bemoans our nation's lack of border security. She is incredibly wealthy and one of the most unpleasant people I have ever known. She controls my extended family with subtle threats of disinheritance.

 

I wish I could say that my prejudice is unwarranted, but I've been burned by so many wealthy people in life. They don't live in my world, they don't understand anything about how I live. My current situation in business is from trusting a wealthy man who sold out our lease on our restaurant to a wealthy friend, and doesn't understand how we don't have the money to just "make it work".

 

I'm bitter and conflicted. I want to just accept and trust people as they are. I know I am projecting my distrust on people who may not deserve it. I know that I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

Can I say "Even if I give wealthy people a chance, I always expect failure and they meet this expectation" ?

 

First of all: What is wealthy for you? If you mean rich of money: They obviously care for money. Why do you think they care for you? 

 

You might want to take a look at "The prosperity secret" by Markus Rothkranz. He explains the difference in thinking of wealthy(not just moneywise) and poor people. There is a difference the others do not understand.

And he gives good solutions how to change to the other side.

 

It is a great book to start with this topic!

 

Are you a slave of money?

Think again. 

Are you kind of? You are even afraid of subtle threats of disinheritance

(Sorry if this was to rough, but money is a very very emotional topic. I still am a slave of money. )

 

Why?

Shouldn't be money our servant?

 

I am working on making money unimportant.

[Stonie]

This one took me longer to think about; Also being interrupted by work kept me from it; but here's what I've got. 

 

 

On the subject of Gender Roles.

 

When I was going through puberty I thought being a guy would be so much easier then all the shenanigans that happen to girls as they grow up; but that was just a wish to escape from emotional craziness and menstrual cramps, no serious gender-identity issues. 

 

I grew up in a house where my Mum was the housewife and My dad went out and worked, but we also lived out on the farm we worked on and Mum and Dad both helped out and even my sister and I helped round up sheep and drive heavy machinery. Typical gender stereotypes weren't so reinforced throughout my formative years either as there were only 32 children (ages 3-12) in my primary school so we all had to play with each other or not have enough people for team sports. There was never any "all the boys go play basketball and all the girls sit and watch." This would have to be the foundation for my beliefs right now I guess. On the other side of that; there was never any "you will hear that women can't do certain things but don't believe any of that" from any elders or teachers or even older students so I've been left to fumble through these things myself. 

 

I am happy being a female, although I could have been happy being male as well if my upbringing was similar. I don't feel restricted by what I can and can't do just because of my gender because I've rarely, if ever come up against opposition to anything I want to do, or anything that my friends and family do. My sister is an apprentice mechanic so I've total faith that men and women can fulfil any job historically attributed to either gender. 

 

I think it is important that women everywhere feel comfortable in the knowledge that they can do absolutely anything they want to, regardless of whether it's a traditional male role or not, and I think men should know that as well (although I can't speak from experience for them.) Men can be stay-at-home parents, women can be the bread-winners, but they should want to of course. If a woman is happy staying at home, looking after her children and keeping the house clean that's fine. It's what she wants. But if she wants to go out and be a heavy diesel mechanic she shouldn't feel daunted by walking into a workshop full of men just because she's a proud member of the female human race. People in any role shouldn't judge someone's ability to complete their job just because of their gender.

 

This also comes back around to judging someone without knowing the full story; you just shouldn't. But it happens. I have judged people badly for no reason whatsoever; and some of those people come back around and surprise me greatly. 

 

I've never wanted to be some gender-role smashing woman; a good day for me is waking up alive and getting coffee. I like making my partner smile when he comes home from work and I've cleaned up; but that's because I make most of the mess and I work less so it's a given that I clean something. I can't say I've never fulfilled any female stereotypes ever because I certainly do things that only women do, but personally I'm happy not breaking any world records or being a pioneer in my field, or leading women in a revolt against man-kind. That's just uncalled for. 

 

On the subject of stereotypes.

 

I've tried to me mindful over the past couple of days of what I stereotype without thinking, and found that my biggest problems lie with either stereotyping myself, or feeling threatened by people around my own age, especially if they tend to dress to the current fashion styles or look like they put a lot of effort into how they look etc. 

 

I tend to assume that they are out to get me. Emotionally or otherwise. This image isn't helped by the media, showing our generation as a bunch of uneducated, shallow, drunkard tosspots with no secure future ahead, and it's always shown as a surprise when someone from our generation is seen to be doing something awesome or inspiring. I don't tend to take too much notice of the general media, but I am scared by the images of violent men and women going out clubbing and getting into fights every single night and the amount of violence scares me; I just have to remember that the whole world is not violent and that's just the shit people want to see on the news. So whenever someone my age comes into work, I go into defense mode. I analyse what mood they're in, I judge what they're ordering, if they're old enough to even buy that, how they react when I smile nicely and say thank you; whether they have manners or not in return. I am normally stressing without reason, because they all say thank you, order something normal like a piece of cake and a latte (always with the lattes) and sit down and talk quietly with their fellows. 

 

I have the feeling this stems from high school; where there were always going to be cliques and groups of "the popular girls" roaming around; and overhearing them judging people I knew or liked just further cemented my fear of the shallow bitch. I thought I was safe from them with my group of friends, until they all ganged up on me one day, accusing me of something I didn't do, and from then on I was pretty much under the assumption that all women are bitches and don't go near them because they will fuck you up. My own group of friends betrayed me and I stopped trying to make new friends, instead sticking with the rest of the outcasts that had given up trying to be popular or accepted. They all dropped out of high school before graduation so I was also left alone and undoubtedly on the road to failure, because how could I not be? everyone else I knew was either a dick or had no future and I didn't even have a direction for my life to head towards. 

 

I know this isn't true now; but as a teen when you're being ravaged by hormone changes and a malfunctioning brain everything seems out of proportion to what it should be. The other girls and I just had nothing in common, hence we either weren't friends or stopped being. And the school system just didn't offer what my other friends wanted to achieve with their lives so they left it and followed their dreams. I'm still friends with those people; and only get nervous (through lack of social skills) when I see other people that I knew. 

 

Stereotypes about myself also started here too; I was the skinny-fat, unfit, creative emo girl that spent all her time playing games or on the internet. I was never  in such a bad state of mind that I had people rushing around trying to get me to be better, but I always felt like I was struggling to just "be me." I didn't know who I was when I was 16, so when people said I was something, instead of being insulted I took it as a personality trait and people just started seeing this fictitious self image I had created about myself, which somewhere inside I knew was wrong but I didn't think there was ever a possibility to change. 

 

I never noticed this until recently, when I was spending time with my family and my younger sister (who's always been the sporty one) was like "There's no way you'd fit in my clothes! Wait, what size are you?" and she was surprised when I said what size I was. I told my Mum I'd gone for a run, and she was like "No! Don't do that! You don't run! Stick to yoga!" I just shrugged and went "Yeah probably." but I was sad that they still assumed I was the black duck of the family. I still am really, but in a way I accept as being me instead of being the "me" they were seeing. They still get surprised when they see me in a dress (I was very anti-dress throughout school) despite having a neat little collection hanging in my cupboard nowadays. 

 

I don't have to be a fat slob just because I'm a gamer. I don't have to stick to wearing black all the time because I was once called "an emo."  I don't have to be scared to try new things because "I'm clumsy." I'm hardly as terrible as I used to be (like dropping things at work or stabbing myself on strange objects) but I still assume I am because that's what people say about me. My friend has a saying that he uses when he fixes things; he "Tegan-proofs" them so even I couldn't wreck it. It's hilarious, but I'm not as much a terror as I used to be. I was just unfit and had no control over my limbs; but I'm better now and it's very rare that I smash glasses or trip over anything (that isn't my own feet; I'm still working on that one.) And I'm definitely not unfit enough to miss out on doing things like riding to the shops, or playing tennis. 

 

At the same time, I need to remember that the rest of my generation probably have the same amount of complexity and interest as I've tried to include in my life. Yes they probably go out drinking but it's not all they do. they might be a master musician or an aspiring artist or a martial arts champion. 

Thanks to the Rebellion I've been able to talk and befriend people from everywhere who do everything and anything and I know I don't need to be quite so scared of the general public. Just prepared for if things go sour.

 

Phew!

[WildColonialGrrl]

Hmmm... Where to begin.

Gender... I think about this a lot these days. I am in my second year of a move in job from a co-ed state secondary to a catholic girls school and I find the differences to be very interesting. They are so still in the playground, so rarely physical with each other or their environment. They are terribly well behaved (yes, I think it's terrible) rarely ask questions or voice an opinion, do as they are told without question... It can be a bit boring but more often, I wonder how did they get to be this way? Why are girls different when they are allowed to wear pants to school whenever they want? When they can join in with boys playing a game? When they are pissed off with the world enough to argue their opinion? When they are not under such pressure to conform?

On the flip side, more girls do math and science. More girls participate in sports days, swimming and athletics and are on sporting teams. We had over 120 girls who liked to kick a footy try out for 25 places in the junior AFL team. Girls of every size and shape get involved in all aspects of school life. I had never seen the likes of it before.

Where is the balance? How do we let girls become whoever the hell they want to be (without making them harder to teach... Coz that's what it's all about right, not being naughty... Lazy teachers make my blood boil!)?

It makes me very conscious of how I present at work. I started there with a close cropped hair cut and it is still short but shaggy now. I never wear dresses to work (practicalities) and mostly wear shirts. I wear docs and in winter often get around in a waistcoat and tie. I dress how I please within professional boundaries but want there to be lots of different examples of who they might grow up to be as a woman. There certainly isn't enough option shown positively in most media they consume...

Which kind of brings me to stereotypes...

I am not really good at these. I suspect it because I am slightly Aspie... Or somewhere of the spectrum... It sometimes makes my life difficult because I have no gaydar. I can't judge people well enough to assume they are queer.

I probably have some backwards stereotypes... If I am in difficulties I trust scary looking blokes with tatts more than clean guys in suits (to me they are more suspicious). Possibly because I am tall, I am not scared of men but can be terrified of well dressed women... I don't know what that's about.

I am scared of becoming a stereotype... Of looking the same as everyone else because I wear comfortable clothes mostly and often have short hair. I wear dresses and skirts too but people often seemed shocked. I am too tall to be a small round dyke but think people put me in that category anyhow, hence the shock when I don't conform. I hate the labels that people try to attach to how people are in the world. Why do we do it? Is it a time saver? I don't have to think about that any more because they are x, y or z?

I don't know. It's all worth thinking about but hellish confusing at the same time!

[Sunmage]

@ Teagarden: You did such a great job that I have no idea to help you sort it out... Awesome!

 

@ WildColonialGrrl

 

I am scared of becoming a stereotype... Of looking the same as everyone else because I wear comfortable clothes mostly and often have short hair. I wear dresses and skirts too but people often seemed shocked. I am too tall to be a small round dyke but think people put me in that category anyhow, hence the shock when I don't conform. I hate the labels that people try to attach to how people are in the world. Why do we do it? Is it a time saver? I don't have to think about that any more because they are x, y or z?

 

 

Yes it is a time saver. But it has a high price.

 

Between the private school girls and naughty there is a long way. In the middle are the perfect kids. Actually no one knows how to raise them in an education system. Because they need to make them easier to handle.

 

Children need borders as long as they cannot handle freedom. What do you think?

 

@all: You have 3 days left. I know this is very hard work, but you might gain awesome insights or WTF?-Moments...

[Stonie]

@ Teagarden: You did such a great job that I have no idea to help you sort it out... Awesome!

 

@ WildColonialGrrl

 

 

Yes it is a time saver. But it has a high price.

 

Between the private school girls and naughty there is a long way. In the middle are the perfect kids. Actually no one knows how to raise them in an education system. Because they need to make them easier to handle.

 

Children need borders as long as they cannot handle freedom. What do you think?

 

@all: You have 3 days left. I know this is very hard work, but you might gain awesome insights or WTF?-Moments...

 

Hahaha, I apologise for my essay. Old days of school exams kick in with these things.

[Sunmage]

Now I have something

Never apologize for doing awesome!

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Ooohohoh man. It just had to be gender, didn't it? I hope you're all prepared for a wall of text.

First, about prejudice in general: I used to be somewhat prejudiced about the native population here. This was mainly due to some native kids throwing rocks at me at the beach when I was little, and that one time at a campground where a native kid tried drowning me for no fucking reason (his brother then apologized on his behalf, though, saying he had some kind of mental problem. No shit.) This prejudice didn't last for very long, as I met several natives who were awesome people a few years later, so all is good there. Also, as time went on, I've run into many, many more white dickheads than native dickheads

How do I identify gender-wise?

I have no idea. I have the double X chromosomes, but I feel that I should have been born with an X and a Y. I wasn't, though, and I'm not sure how I feel about surgical or hormonal "fixes." I would like a flat chest, wider shoulders and a deeper voice, but I don't want extra body hair and a receding hairline. I also I don't want to have TOO much muscle, ya know? If I could get a physique like Johnny Weir (minus all the glitter lol) then I'd be happy. I am currently working my ass off trying to achieve this goal. Let's see how close I can get by bulking up my upper body and dropping my body fat % as low as possible! If I had to pick a point on the gender line, it would be something like:

F ----------------------------------------[]---------- M

Not quite M enough to spend piles of $$$ for surgeries and hormone therapy...and subsequent hair removal treatments (although I wouldn't be surprised if I'm paying more in monthly gym fees than what testosterone shots would cost on a monthly basis.)

Is it positive or negative? Where does it come from?

tl;dr version: Negative, mainly due to incessant bullying from grades 6 through 12. And due to not playing the game of life on easy mode.

txtwall version: Negative. I didn't give a shit when I was a little kid because, well, I was a little kid. I continued to not give a shit until I was in 4th grade, where I asked mom if I could have short hair. She agreed, because the act of brushing my hair in the mornings was an exercise in extreme aggravation. My short hair wasn't an issue at the elementary school, because everyone knew everyone else and I was one of the more popular kids--my mother knew the teachers and pretty much made me my friends for me lol. When I went to a campground that summer, though, and did not know the other kids, I got nothing but insults, mostly because of my short hair. Or maybe it was the way I dressed? The way I behaved? The fun-filled week I was expecting to have was instead filled with stress and puzzlement as I wondered why all the other kids hated me and shoved me around, even though I was nice to them.

Grades 6 through 12 were the same, except the bullying lasted 7 years instead of a week, and came from about 200 people instead of a handful. I didn't even have short hair anymore (I had learned that lesson already.) Maybe it was just me, or the way I dressed. Looking back, all the grief may have been partly due to my low maturity level for my age (and I had skipped a grade, which made this maturity gap even worse), or a combination of factors. Either way, most of the kids were dicks, and if they weren't bullies to my face, then they made fun of me behind my back. One of the most common harassment points was for them to call me a guy, and they made it sound like not associating with your designated sex at birth was the most shameful thing in the universe. They were right about how I felt gender-wise, of course, but I still had to argue back and deny their comments just to save face and avoid further embarrassment.

The thing with bullying, especially in a smaller city, is that once you're the designated loser in one place (high school), then word spreads and all of a sudden you realize that you're also infamous in the other high schools. Then before you know it you're already known as a loser on any sports team or summer camp you get into, and them everyone makes fun of you there, too. There is no escape. I don't know if it was like that for every unpopular kid, or if my loserness was off the freaking charts. I just know it sucked. Thankfully social media didn't exist in those days, and when the mid-90's rolled around I could escape to HTML chat rooms and message boards. Internet people were nicer, most likely because they didn't see me. These were the days where you could make a new user name every time you entered a chat room, too. Make an incorrigible social faux-pas that destroys your reputation? New account! It's safe to say that I developed my personality (and what little social skills I have) on the Interwebz through trial and error.

Since people didn't see me and there were no consequences arising from...abnormal behavior, it didn't take long for me to start letting people on the Internet assume that I was a guy... I felt kind of like an ass, but it also felt more natural. I wasn't really lying, I just wasn't correcting people's assumptions--I never once said "I'm a guy" on the Internet, no joke. I performed the "I'm a girl" experiment a few times, however, and was immediately inundated with messages asking for cyber sex, asking how big my tits were, and asking what my bottom parts looked like.

New account!

After graduation I stopped caring about gender issues again. After all, there was nobody there to remind me of how I was the worst person in the world. Things gradually started to get better in real life, even though I still hesitated whenever I was presented with one of those accursed gender boxes on a survey or sign-up sheet. Oh wait. I still do that.

At one point I shaved my head, a hair style that lasted about two years. This was mainly because I was doing kickboxing competitively at the time, and the protective headgear required during sparring sessions (and actual fights because this was only at amateur level) got to be annoying real quick where hair was concerned, so I simply got rid of my hair. There was also the desire to cosplay as Darth Maul, but that was secondary...or was it XD Anyway, I was misgendered fairly often because of this, but not in a malicious manner, so I didn't really care. The only incident that really hurt was the time I volunteered for an organization whose aim was to introduce young girls to science and engineering. The concept was great, so I signed up as a volunteer. I did the (messy!) activity that was assigned, and all was well until I had to take the girls (3rd graders) to the washroom to wash their hands. Then it started: "OMG THERE'S A BOY IN THE GIRLS' WASHROOM EEEEEEEEKKK!!1" Try as I might, I was not able to get the message across to them that some girls can also have short/no hair. The rest of the day essentially consisted of me getting sexually harassed by a pack of 3rd graders. The activities essentially became about me, and what gender I was. Control over the class was completely lost, and the kids only behaved (for about 30 seconds) when one of the other, more normal-looking girls who was present told them to be quiet.

Lesson learned: if you don't look, dress and act like everyone else, nobody will listen to you, nor will they respect you.

To make matters worse, this was around the time where I started to develop a crush on a certain man on campus. I realize now that the attraction was to what he was: tall, with a deep and booming voice, and generally oozing badassery...all characteristics I wish I had myself. It was more like idolizing, really. I had no desire to jump down his pants, but an overwhelming urge to get to know him better and be his friend. At the time, however, I thought that I was finally turning into a normal person because OMG NORMAL PEOPLE GET CRUSHES! So I attempted to dress more normal and ladylike, and grew my hair out, etc. (Well, okay, this was not THE reason why I grew my hair out. It was final exam time and I didn't have the time to shave my head for like two weeks, and then everyone was all like "Are you growing your hair out? You should :)" and I pretty much just gave in to peer pressure.)

Long story short, I turned into Captain Awkward around him because I have no game, with the asexuality and all. A mutual "friend" also likely did some damage. The whole thing just made me feel like a piece of worthless shit because I was attractive, and the outright rejection (and subsequent ridiculing behind my back) was rather soul-crushing. Then there was the realization that things don't get better after high school. High school was a training ground where people are mean to your face. Later on, people are mean behind your back, and unless you can develop the people skills necessary to determine who's a dick and who isn't while you're in high school, you're doomed for the rest of your life.

If it wasn't for people on the Internet being nice, and a select few people in RL being nice, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. I still generally felt crappy, but not jump-off-the-bridge crappy. This continued until last June, when I stumbled upon a certain trans man's blog. He had posts about some of his experiences, and it was obvious how he felt so much better when his outside matched his inside (ie, after hormones and top surgery.) He also has an FTM guide on how to look like a hot dude--I think I posted a link to in the LGBTQ thread in the off-topic forum somewhere. Anyway. I read all the posts in about a day, and the gender issues came right back and hit me like a ton of bricks as I realized I had wasted what should have been the best years of my life trying to be someone I wasn't.

Between then and now, it's been mostly me coming to terms with all of this, and realizing that it's perfectly fine to not fit into the gender binary. All this time, it wasn't me who was the problem. Try convincing others of this, though...

Is it important?

Yes. I wish it wasn't, but it is. I've been especially unhappy lately, and in the past year I've realized that all this gender BS is a significant part of the reason why. The dilemma is as follows: should I do what society expects of me and hate myself, or should I be the me that I want to be and have most other people hate me? Lose/lose. I know the right choice is the latter one, but it still sucks. My family and friends aren't exactly supportive of my "I don't like being a girl" thoughts, even though I'm not planning on getting hormones or surgeries.

My gender ambiguity also makes it hard for me to make friends. This is usually how it goes:

1. Meet guy who seems pretty cool.
2. Hang out with guy more, get to know each other better.
3. Me: "Awesome, I have a new friend :D" Him: "This girl is single and likes things I like and I think she's the one :D"
4. Awkwardness, drama.

Things are generally starting to look up now, though. I'm almost graduated, and the campus counseling services have been super to me when it comes to sorting this mental crap out. Personal counseling aside, I've enrolled into an 8 week support group with them, and it seems to be helping. They deal with things like goal setting, and catching negative thoughts as they show up in order to put an end to them. After everyone was gone at the last meeting I spoke to the group leaders about something: I know I'm awesome, but I don't feel that I'm awesome, mostly due to all this bullshit from the past. How long does it take for the feelings to catch up to the knowing?

They said it can take a while, and that it would be a topic in future sessions. This is great, and it can't happen soon enough.

I wasn't sure if I should reveal that much about myself and my shit-filled past in public forums, but...whatever. If anyone who hates me ever comes up to me and gives me a quick Hannibal Lecter-style psychoanalytical wrecking, I'll just be like "LOL grats, you used Google like a pro and saw my posts. Have a cookie."­ And besides, the skeletons and demons in the closet also need to be let out to exercise, because the fatter they get, the worse they become. The demons, mostly. Skeletons just get osteoporosis and complain.

The other reason for my unhappiness as of late: Do I have to do lab work or have a career in science because I (will) have a M.Sc? Family and friends say yes. I say NO. And NO. Okay, so I'm a bit drunk and couldn't figure out a more clever way to put two links in that sentence.
 

EDIT: I figure I should end this on a positive note. I am incredibly grateful that I at least have the genetics to put on muscle fairly easily. Fortune in my misfortune!