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About boys and dating, PLEASE HELP!!


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Well the thing is since we've never met we don't know if there's going to be sparks or nothing. So we both agreed that if there is a spark between us, we'll kiss. And if there is something in that, like an explosion then we'll discuss a relationship from there.

We're already attracted to each other through similar interests and views. But who knows, maybe we'll end up just being really good friends. Already there are some obstacles we both know would cripple a relationship, he wants to go back to college and I have goals of being a Marine. He's not a Christian and I am.

But we both agreed that if there is really something between us, then at least we can give it a shot and see how it goes. It will be tough but in the end it could be worth it. Just have to take a chance.

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LOL I have a different approach here. I agree that you shouldn't plan for kissing because of A and B, but if things are going well I'd much rather kiss someone as soon as possible. If the guy's a bad kisser then sorry that's a no-go. :tongue: But that's me. And while I do take relationships seriously I think kissing is just plain fun, and an excellent gauge of chemistry. But whatever happens NEVER do anything that feels wrong or pressured in any way. I think THAT's how you lose respect.   

yeah I kind of agree- there is a certain amount of that that needs to be hashed out on the front end- to a point. I don't necessarily go by 1st, 2nd or 3rd hard and fast rules- but I much prefer to go do things with people than go on lots of dates and try to fit that in. I've turned down kisses before and it's weird- but it needs to happen in the proper time.

But yeah- bad kissing is hard to get passed- esp if you are older- you cant' train older people like new young people who are learning- you need to have that shit figured out already.  I do think there is room for improvement but bad is bad. There is a certain bad that can't be saved. LOL

 

Well the thing is since we've never met we don't know if there's going to be sparks or nothing. So we both agreed that if there is a spark between us, we'll kiss. And if there is something in that, like an explosion then we'll discuss a relationship from there.

We're already attracted to each other through similar interests and views. But who knows, maybe we'll end up just being really good friends. Already there are some obstacles we both know would cripple a relationship, he wants to go back to college and I have goals of being a Marine. He's not a Christian and I am.

But we both agreed that if there is really something between us, then at least we can give it a shot and see how it goes. It will be tough but in the end it could be worth it. Just have to take a chance.

 

why were you even talking about that?

 

who talks about "should we kiss or not"

 

how did that come up?  Not trying to be nosy- but that's just not something I think I would have discussed- seems like an odd topic before you even go on a date.

 

how old are you and he?

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He's 26 and I'm almost 23.

Lol well we talked about whether we should kiss or not, honestly I don't remember how we came upon that subject. Just one of those conversations that turn to something else.

There's a good chance we may not kiss at all sparks or no sparks. Even he agreed there's a time and a place for kissing. And since it would be my first kiss he said he'd rather it be somewhere special and we're more serious about each other. I'm just going on the what if's in my head.

Be prepared, be prepared, this lesson must be shared :P

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For what it's worth, I'm a guy and I view the end-of-date kiss as a litmus test. I always go in for the kiss and if I get the brush-off, then I am figuring she's not overly keen on me.

 

But don't talk about it or analyse it. Just go with what feels natural.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

When did just shopping for a couple of things become so complicated?!

I went bra shopping by myself at Target, just to see what size I was. And contrary to my mom's rant that I'm still fat up top, and need to go to Lane Bryant, I'm a 36 now not a 42 like I used to be. So finding the size was really easy. Didn't like anything there though, since I've worn workout Bras for a real long time I can't get used to seeing my breasts, look that way under a shirt. They look... Weird I guess lol.

I'm still going to try but I keep getting bombarded by two family members. My mom on finding the right bra, and my sister on the right dress. My mom wants to go bra shopping with me and I really don't want her to! All my negative feelings toward clothes shopping came from her. I'm just liking the idea of looking for clothes, I don't want anything to mess that up.

And then my sister keeps telling me I can't wear a dress because I have a gut and jiggly arms. And at the very least should invest in Spanx otherwise I'm going to look fat. :'(

I'm just looking for two things, so I can look pretty. But now I feel like just going with my fat clothes. At least in them I don't get told I don't look right.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

When did just shopping for a couple of things become so complicated?!

I went bra shopping by myself at Target, just to see what size I was. And contrary to my mom's rant that I'm still fat up top, and need to go to Lane Bryant, I'm a 36 now not a 42 like I used to be. So finding the size was really easy. Didn't like anything there though, since I've worn workout Bras for a real long time I can't get used to seeing my breasts, look that way under a shirt. They look... Weird I guess lol.

I'm still going to try but I keep getting bombarded by two family members. My mom on finding the right bra, and my sister on the right dress. My mom wants to go bra shopping with me and I really don't want her to! All my negative feelings toward clothes shopping came from her. I'm just liking the idea of looking for clothes, I don't want anything to mess that up.

And then my sister keeps telling me I can't wear a dress because I have a gut and jiggly arms. And at the very least should invest in Spanx otherwise I'm going to look fat. :'(

I'm just looking for two things, so I can look pretty. But now I feel like just going with my fat clothes. At least in them I don't get told I don't look right.

 

 

I'm sorry that your family is not supportive. That is not okay. Their comments are rude and hurtful, and say FAR more about them than they do about you.

 

And SINCE WHEN ARE DRESSES ONLY FOR SKINNY MINNIES? That is the most ridiculous comment I've ever heard. Dresses are perhaps the MOST flattering item of clothing, as they can hug the stuff you love, and skim the stuff you don't. I am still a big fat person (340 lbs), and I have several dresses that I love and feel amazing in. Your sister's dumb.

 

Looking at you Xmas photos, there is no reason you wouldn't look stunning in a dress! I think you should keep an eye out for wrap dresses and dresses with a fitted waist. Those will show your girls, show your hard-won little waist, and look gorgeous.

 

Something like these would be amazing (just look at the shape for an idea):

 

Wrap Dress - the most universally flattering cut of all time.

 

Fitted Waist Dress

 

V Neck Dress

 

The best dresses are ones that make you feel amazing... and like YOU. Don't buy a fitted mini-dress covered in glitter if you don't love it. 

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For what it's worth, I'm a guy and I view the end-of-date kiss as a litmus test. I always go in for the kiss and if I get the brush-off, then I am figuring she's not overly keen on me.

 

But don't talk about it or analyse it. Just go with what feels natural.

that's a mistake.

 

I could think you were the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Still doesn't mean I want to swap spit with you.  Seriously- 1 date- not enough. You don't need to actually kiss to tell if it MIGHT happen.     My BF and I didn't really do anything physical for almost 3 months- we were close- and we stayed together watching movies and stuff I slept on his shoulder a lot- but we didn't really start anything for months. It's not necessary.   Anyone that pushes physical on me gets  a huge red flag. 

 

 

 

I'm sorry that your family is not supportive. That is not okay. Their comments are rude and hurtful, and say FAR more about them than they do about you.

 

And SINCE WHEN ARE DRESSES ONLY FOR SKINNY MINNIES? That is the most ridiculous comment I've ever heard. Dresses are perhaps the MOST flattering item of clothing, as they can hug the stuff you love, and skim the stuff you don't. I am still a big fat person (340 lbs), and I have several dresses that I love and feel amazing in. Your sister's dumb.

TRUTH.

Dresses are amazing if you find good ones that FIT and aren't too tight!!!

 

Sorry- your sister is dumb and your mom is giving you anxiety.  no bueno- go alone- or take me with you!!! Mir and I swap pixs when we are shopping all the time!!! Anything that helps!  Go on your own terms and what makes you feel good.  And settle for NOTHING less!!!  SERIOUSLY!!! 

 

While I recognize wrap dresses are universally flattering- I haven't found one for me- I stick with pencil skirts and things that make my butt go BOOM.  No one is going to notice what's going on with my waist/fupah area if my butt is screaming for attention.  LOL Shameless I know- but it makes me feel good when I can hide the bad and flaunt the good.

 

Take your time- don't rush it- that will make you stress.  But dresses are amazing- I'm feeling rather rotound on my bulk- I live in stretchy pants and dresses- they make fun of me at work- i'ts like 5 degrees and I'm in a dress- why because it's comfie and fits!!! 

 

you can do it- if you want a dress- find a dress you feel amazing in and settle for nothing less!  

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that's a mistake.

 

I could think you were the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Still doesn't mean I want to swap spit with you.  Seriously- 1 date- not enough. You don't need to actually kiss to tell if it MIGHT happen.     My BF and I didn't really do anything physical for almost 3 months- we were close- and we stayed together watching movies and stuff I slept on his shoulder a lot- but we didn't really start anything for months. It's not necessary.   Anyone that pushes physical on me gets  a huge red flag. 

I'm not the kind of guy who pushes for a relationship to get physical, but if a girl isn't interested enough for a simple kiss at the end of a good date then the chemistry is lacking as far as I am concerned. Move on to greener pastures.

 

You sound like you were friends with your boyfriend before hooking up, which is cool. If you were actually going out with him for three months before you even kissed - well, that's a little extreme in my book.

 

Maybe it is a cultural thing. I am Australian, a kiss at the end of a first date is pretty commonplace. But then, first dates seem a bit more serious than America - usually, people only date one person at a time. I understand from my few American friends that for them, 'dating' is generally accepted to be non-exclusive at the beginning of a relationship..

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Nope.  First dates are no physical for me. It's a rule.  No matter how good the date went. Doesn't have anything to do with chemistry. Could be best chemistry every- no kissing. 

 

 

And no- I wasn't. I met him through my motorcycle forum- we weren't 'officially' going out till almost that 3 month mark.  But that's kind of my point- I'm not going to be swapping spit or having a physical relationship that I take seriously unless I'm IN a relationship with them.

One date is just that- one date. It's not a relationship.  If you think 3 month before kissing  was bad- you'd have a heart attack if I told you the rest of it LOL

 

I can do casual- easily.  But if it's a real relationship- then that stuff needs to wait for a little. It's to easy to fall into the physical side of it and that's it. 

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Whoah.... Sorry to say this, but your family kinda suck! There is no way they should be showing you anything other than support and encouragement right now. (I'm sure they don't *always* suck, but right now, they suck donkey ass)

Don't listen to your sister, she's talking out her ass. Like I-Jo said, just make sure you feel great in whatever you wear. It can really help to have someone with you when you're shopping for clothes who's opinion you trust. I'm the worlds worst for clothes shopping. It's my own personal version of Hell. Taking a friend who can give an honest "yes, that looks great" or "no, it's not flattering" transforms the experience into something almost pleasant :)

I said I wasn't any help with the clothes/ hair/ makeup bit, but that's 'cause I'm just like you. I don't normally wear makeup, or dresses, or even do the *girly* thing at all. I live in jeans and funny t-shirts and my hair is always in a ponytail. Sound familiar???

Anyway, these girls ^^^^^^ know what they're talking about. You would look great in a wrap dress (and they're super comfy btw) though if you're like me, you might want to try and find one with 3/4 length sleeves. I always feel that hides any upper arm wobble whilst showing off the slimmest part, full length sleeves can be too much. I feel like I'm drowning in fabric. Eeek!

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Nope.  First dates are no physical for me. It's a rule.  No matter how good the date went. Doesn't have anything to do with chemistry. Could be best chemistry every- no kissing. 

 

 

And no- I wasn't. I met him through my motorcycle forum- we weren't 'officially' going out till almost that 3 month mark.  But that's kind of my point- I'm not going to be swapping spit or having a physical relationship that I take seriously unless I'm IN a relationship with them.

One date is just that- one date. It's not a relationship.  If you think 3 month before kissing  was bad- you'd have a heart attack if I told you the rest of it LOL

 

I can do casual- easily.  But if it's a real relationship- then that stuff needs to wait for a little. It's to easy to fall into the physical side of it and that's it. 

 

 

I agree you don't want to rush into physicality, but I don't see a kiss as particularly physical. It's just another test of compatibility, and a genuine signal that you are interested in someone romantically - not just as a friend. A girl who went three months before kissing, I would regard as dicking me around. I'd be out of there a long time beforehand.

 

Like I said, maybe it is a cultural thing.

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=

 

Sorry- your sister is dumb and your mom is giving you anxiety.  no bueno- go alone- or take me with you!!! Mir and I swap pixs when we are shopping all the time!!! Anything that helps!  Go on your own terms and what makes you feel good.  And settle for NOTHING less!!!  SERIOUSLY!!! 

 

Absolutely agree. Also, since I don't like to go shopping with other people, I've started taking pix of myself in the dressing room, then I can scroll through all of them and decide which dress (or whatever) to buy. The camera really gives you a detached perspective and lets you compare things quickly. Hooray for technology!

 

For less-expensive, good quality bras, I'm partial to maidenform. There also seem to be sales on them fairly frequently. 

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I think many of us would be more than happy to offer you virtual feedback when you go shopping. :) I do this all the time with my older sister when dress shopping (I have an awkward build for dresses). I'll send her pictures from different angles and ask for her opinion since I'm fairly stuck in my own negative dress rut. And that's way less pressure than shopping with someone else - which I hate doing.

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Well I might be going shopping again today. But now I have a plan so I don't get overwhelmed and frustrated again.

I was trying to decide what shoes I should wear or if I should get new ones. And I found my old, but still new looking, slip on converse. Not only would they be comfy to walk in, but I remembered my date loves converse! And to make it even more perfect I had doodled Japanese style art all over them, which coincidentally he also loves :) It should be easier shopping now that I have something to match the dress with!

Since they're lime green would red be to much? Because it's my favorite color.

How would I go about getting virtual feedback from u guys?

Ascalon: That's kind of a poor view of it dude. I was planning on never kissing until my wedding day myself, so I wouldn't be dicking around any guy, it's just my choice.

I-Jo: I totally agree that first dates shouldn't be anything physical. That is my rule to actually. The reason this guy is an exception is because of how far away he lives. He didn't push me for a kiss, I promised it to him. And it's only if we feel like there's something between us.

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How to get virtual feedback, a two step plan:

 

1. Take a picture and upload to this thread

2. Sit back and wait for the feedback ;)

 

I'd recommend trying on different things and then going back tomorrow to purchase something if there's anything you like. It will also give people time to maybe point you to types of clothing that are slightly different from what you've tried on but might work better with your body. 

 

Personally I think it works really well if you ask one of the employees for help. Just tell them you're looking for something to wear on a date, so you want something a bit more sexy/cute/etc and that you were thinking about a dress for example. What also helps is to look up body shapes and then clothing styles for your body shape. It will help you find the things that will look good on you, not just on the mannequin.

 

As for dating and kissing everyone is different and everyone likes different things. I'm a big fan of sex so I don't see the point of putting that off just because it's a first date. I mean, if both parties are happy with it's all ok.  But that's the big thing, you need to keep it at a level that you are comfortable with. If that's no kiss, even if you've talked about it already, then no kiss it is. If you want to get into a bit more passionate kiss that's fine as well. Just do what feels good even if it feels slightly scary at the same time. 

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Well I might be going shopping again today. But now I have a plan so I don't get overwhelmed and frustrated again.

I was trying to decide what shoes I should wear or if I should get new ones. And I found my old, but still new looking, slip on converse. Not only would they be comfy to walk in, but I remembered my date loves converse! And to make it even more perfect I had doodled Japanese style art all over them, which coincidentally he also loves :) It should be easier shopping now that I have something to match the dress with!

Since they're lime green would red be to much? Because it's my favorite color.

How would I go about getting virtual feedback from u guys?

Ascalon: That's kind of a poor view of it dude. I was planning on never kissing until my wedding day myself, so I wouldn't be dicking around any guy, it's just my choice.

I-Jo: I totally agree that first dates shouldn't be anything physical. That is my rule to actually. The reason this guy is an exception is because of how far away he lives. He didn't push me for a kiss, I promised it to him. And it's only if we feel like there's something between us.

Ok... I like the shoes. I wouldn't mind showing up to a date and seeing her wearing something like that, and I'm not even into Converse or Japanese style art...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well I might be going shopping again today. But now I have a plan so I don't get overwhelmed and frustrated again.

I was trying to decide what shoes I should wear or if I should get new ones. And I found my old, but still new looking, slip on converse. Not only would they be comfy to walk in, but I remembered my date loves converse! And to make it even more perfect I had doodled Japanese style art all over them, which coincidentally he also loves :) It should be easier shopping now that I have something to match the dress with!

Since they're lime green would red be to much? Because it's my favorite color.

How would I go about getting virtual feedback from u guys?

Ascalon: That's kind of a poor view of it dude. I was planning on never kissing until my wedding day myself, so I wouldn't be dicking around any guy, it's just my choice.

I-Jo: I totally agree that first dates shouldn't be anything physical. That is my rule to actually. The reason this guy is an exception is because of how far away he lives. He didn't push me for a kiss, I promised it to him. And it's only if we feel like there's something between us.

 

 

Take your time with the shopping- not sure where your weather is at this point- but dress and converse could be cold!!!

 

I wouldn't go red with lime green- to christmasy (but they are complimentary colors so under the proper circumstances it COULD work) 

 

I'd probably go with a skirt with converse- or pants- a little doctor who like to be honest- but thats up to you- definitely post pictures or PM them if you need moral support- we are here to help you succeed!!!

 

and not to totally derail- but to answer this 

 

I agree you don't want to rush into physicality, but I don't see a kiss as particularly physical. It's just another test of compatibility, and a genuine signal that you are interested in someone romantically - not just as a friend. A girl who went three months before kissing, I would regard as dicking me around. I'd be out of there a long time beforehand.

 

Like I said, maybe it is a cultural thing.

a kiss is everything to me- it means almost more than sex- sex is just sex.  but kisses- they say something.  they say more. 

Plus- having been been subject to various forms of abuse-and also using physical things to mask real issues in the relationship I have stepped back and I take things slow- I'm up front about stuff and that I have issues- it's on them if they are willing to wait and or deal.  I'm not sneaky and I don't dick people around- I make sure they know that I"m serious and I go out of my way to make them feel important- but there are other ways of making someone feel important without swapping spit. ... Ultimately I don't put someone else's opinion of how things should go in front of my health- mentally or physically. 

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I was you at a certain point in my life. What I wish someone had told me was that until you have a solid core of confidence in yourself and what you have to offer the world (which, by the way, is not limited to your visual appeal to others), all the dating tips in the world aren't going to do anything.

 

Because until you are in love with yourself and know the behaviors you will and won't accept, and how to relay those standards to others in a way that doesn't put them on the spot, you're more than likely going to accept a whole lot of sub-par behavior. And that's just wasting time. And please understand: it's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't honor what's important to you. Or worse, doesn't honor you. (Which is basically one and the same.)

 

Also, dating is a numbers game. How many new guys do you meet in a given week? Think about all the guys in the world. Then eliminate the taken ones. Then eliminate the ones you're not attracted to. Then eliminate the ones you're attracted to. Then eliminate the ones you're attracted to, but don't meet your standards. Then eliminate the ones that you could date for a little while, but not have a serious relationship with.

 

...See where I'm going with this? The more new folks you bring into your life, and the more social networks (not the online kind) you tap into, the higher likelihood of finding someone worth your time.

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I agree you don't want to rush into physicality, but I don't see a kiss as particularly physical. It's just another test of compatibility, and a genuine signal that you are interested in someone romantically - not just as a friend. A girl who went three months before kissing, I would regard as dicking me around. I'd be out of there a long time beforehand.

 

Like I said, maybe it is a cultural thing.

 

 

I don't know that it's a cultural thing so much as a thing about each person having the right to draw their own boundaries re: what they do with their bodies. It's great that a kiss isn't a super physical thing to you. But if it's more than OP is comfortable with, that's her right to draw the line before kissing. You know what's a genuine signal that someone is interested romantically? Saying to the person, "Hey. I'm interested in you romantically, but I don't know that I'm ready to kiss you."

 

It's your body. And you always get to govern how you let others touch and approach you. Always.

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He didn't push me for a kiss, I promised it to him.

 

I hope you know that even if you change your mind, it's 100% okay.

 

I also hope you don't take what I'm about to say as overly cynical, but don't put all your emotional eggs into this particular dude-basket. What I'm trying to say is don't fall for his potential. Don't give him your entire heart before he's earned it. It's okay to be excited, but invest in him only as much as he invests in you.

 

And always pay attention to his actions more than his words. If they don't match up, you know that you need to steer clear.

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Agreed. Dont wear your converse with Japanese on them because he likes converse and Asian stuff, wear them because YOU like them.

My biggest issue in most of my relationships was that I fell in love with the idea of a person, not that actual person. Its very easy to write a story about how he crochets in his spare time and rescues puppies. On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

Sent from my RM-824_nam_att_101 using Tapatalk

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