Elk's an airbender, and that's pretty cool.

[Elk]

I don't have any fixed goal. My goal is my own happiness and well-being. 

So I'm pretty fluid with my goals - sometimes a bit too fluid, in all likelihood. But I also see it as a strength, and a part of my nature. Because I am an airbender 8D

 

 

PRESENT GOAL: TO DEVELOP A HEALTHIER EATING PATTERN/ATTITUDE

No refined carbs until March 3rd, and no refined sugar until March 10th.

I may extend the refined carbs thing, or make a system of limited refined carbs (i.e., 1 allowed per day).

Also, this is a six-week challenge, so I guess I'll plan the following parts based on what happens here.  

 

There are a lot of reasons why I'm doing this:

• I'm interested in the qualitative experience of not eating sugar. I'm looking forward to experiencing the changes in the flavours of food as the sugar numbness subsides.
• I have a tendency towards escapism, and my major poisons are the internet and sugar/carby/chocolate snacks. 
• Because I'm not allowing myself sugar, I am more aware when a craving arises. This allows me to understand when and why the craving is there.
• This dietary choice is forcing me to learn to feed myself properly. Cook dinners instead of eating popcorn and toast and chocolate!
• I like to challenge myself. Best channel my masochistic tendencies into something productive, no? x.x
• I've never done it before and it's kind of fun.
• I developed an odd attitude towards food after going through a difficult period in my life. Even though I never became unhealthy because of it, I found myself eating almost exclusively for emotional reasons, but not eating when/because I felt genuinely hungry.
• Hoping to lose the 5 lbs I gained working in a bakery haha :/
• Want to see if I'll have better energy!

Yep!

 

PLANS FOR SUCCESS:

• Break the habit of eating sweets/bread at night by replacing it with the habit of drawing at night.
• Plan meals ahead.
• Ensure the people in my environment know I am doing this.
• Recognize that failures are a part of the path to success. That I am taking steps to improve my wellbeing, and I'm not going to get it perfect right off the bat. 

[Elk]

Day 5:

This is day 5. 

Interesting thing: today I ate an apple and it tasted wayyyy too sweet. o.o It was like candy! I didn't like most apples when I was a child, and I recall now that this is why.

I got caught in the escapist eating tonight and ate too many dates. But I realized what I was doing and got out of it. MINDFULNESS, YES!

[Elk]

Day 8:

One week without refined sugar. Did eat some gluten-y stuff today, though. My sister brought me homemade pizza rolls because I was in a bad mood. How does a person say no to that??? Answer: you cannot. It is not a thing that is possible.

(Okay, fine, I guess it is. But it's not the thing that I want to do.)

 

I've been feeling kind of bad about my body today. Which is silly. 

I lost a pound over the week, apparently? Which is weird because I have been eating a lot. :S I dunno, it's probably just a natural fluctuation.

I have some issues around emotional eating, and I would like to stop doing that. It's hard.

 

I have been drawing a LOT, though, ever since I set the intention to do it every night. I'm pretty happy about it. n_n~ I'm reprogramming myself so that drawing is my self-care thingie. I think. I don't know. Whatever. I'm in a weird mood.

[Elk]

Day 9:

Carrots are really sweet. What the heck?

 

BABBLE TIME!

I've been thinking about this trying-to-have-a-healthier-relationship-with-food thing. What's stopping me, really? 

I've identified a "healthier relationship with food" as this thing that I want... kind of. I know it's "healthier," physically and emotionally. I know that finding an alternate means of self-care would be more productive and fulfilling. Drawing, for example! I've been working on my art a lot lately, and it's very satisfying. I also know that it would be better for my body to stop doing this. I'm at a healthy weight, but I would like to lose ten pounds, and I would like to start getting my calories from things that nourish me, rather than things I eat to feel better emotionally.

 

But even though I've got all these reasons that I want to have a "healthy relationship with food," I haven't really thought about what that MEANS. Like, imagine I wanted to be a lawyer, but I don't want to go to law school. In fact, I'm actually quite happy at my present job, even though it's not my ideal. Sometimes it bothers me that I'm not a lawyer, but because I'm pretty much happy with where I am, I'm not really motivated to change.

 

And yet, sometimes, it upsets me that I am not a lawyer, and I start being very hard on myself for it. I sign up for websites that provide information about being a lawyer. Maybe I talk to some lawyers. Maybe I attend some information sessions. But I'm still happy with where I am, even if I feel bad sometimes, so nothing changes.

 

That's kind of where I'm at with my relationship with food. It's not my IDEAL, but I'm content. I like eating for comfort. It feels nice. It feels nice and I'm not unhealthy. So why do I want to change it? 

 

I do want to change it. I don't want to get trapped in an unhealthy pattern of eating, like my family does. I don't want to fall into the habit of soothing myself when I come across a problem, instead of taking action to fix the problem. I do want to lose five pounds. I do want to take the time to make proper meals. I do want to be physically healthy. I do want to unwind with art instead of with chocolate.

 

However, if I'm going to change it, I have to go down to the absolute, bare level. The actual act of eating when it is an odds with my overarching goals.

 

Why do I do it? It feels nice, and it feels nice immediately. I feel like I'm getting a reward. I feel like I'm safe, somehow. It's comfortable.

Why would I want to stop, then? Because it's fleeting? Because it's a poor reward? If I want to stop, it must be because the experience is less pleasant than an alternative. But when it's immediate gratification versus a something more long-term, it can be difficult, especially when that pattern is established.

 

Huh. Suddenly I understand why a lot of my friends spend their money on stupid stuff instead of saving it.

 

It's not that I want food, it's that I want a change in state of mind. What else can I do about that?

[Elk]

Okay, checking in.

 

Successes so far:

• Successfully went for over a week without refined sugar, as intended
• Have gotten in the habit of cooking for myself much more frequently, and maintained this habit even after starting to eat sugar again

The challenges:

• Moderation! How do I eat sugar in moderation? There's temptation everywhere and it's harrrrrd. D: I think I need to set rules and stick to them.
• Nighttime eating. Oh, nighttime eating. 

Going forward:

• I am going to set rules for myself. My theory is that, if I set rules, it's easier to resist sugar. Instead of thinking, "Should I or shouldn't I?," I'll already have my answer, and that will be easier. So:
• RULE 1: No buying sugary food on campus. If I am really, really hungry, I can buy something WITHOUT SWEETENER. This includes apples and bananas. I hate buying fruit on campus because it is such a ripoff compared to the supermarket, but considering nutrition x cost, it's actually a much better deal.  
• RULE 2: Any time I choose to eat something after dinner, I HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN. I will use the app on my phone. I will write what it was, and what my reason for eating it was. 

In other news! I am thinking about getting consistently active again. Instead of just "running when I feel like it" and "biking to school and back." It's enough to keep me in decent shape, but exercise really helps me calm my mind, fall asleep at night, displace my masochistic tendencies... yeah. 

 

 

So, this week (Wednesday through to Sunday night):

• No sugary food on campus 
• Write down after-dinner foods
• Hike on Friday
• Run on Sunday

 

ONWARDS~

[Elk]

Reviving this thread for a new challenge! Because I maybe kinda fell off the wagon before.

Well, not totally, because the positive changes I made back then DID make a difference in the long run. But now it's time to take that intention into a new situation.

 

Today's successes:

-Did yoga! I found it difficult to clear my mind today. That's 2/30 days done.

-Biked to school!
-Did not drink coffee! Even though my friend was drinking coffee! Yay!

-Have not eaten any refined sugars! Not that this was one of my goals this time around, but still... good thing. I will probably eat a granola bar later, though. It's been sitting in my bag, waiting to be consumed, all day.

-When I was eating breakfast, I really stopped to focus on the sensation of eating. I realized that I readily distract myself from eating... and then I feel disappointed when the yummy food is gone. But if I'm not even paying attention to the food I'm eating, why do I care when it's gone? Better to pay attention to my food and be satisfied with the amount I have.

-When I felt a twinge of hunger, I actually thought about it. "Am I actually this hungry?" I found I wasn't, and then went back to focussing on whatever I was doing, rather than thinking about lunch. I think this helped my productivity.

-Plus I did a whole buttload of school stuff, and man, I am stressed about school. The stress is fading a bit, though. Thank goodness.

 

HOWEVER

TODAY IS NOT OVER

!!!!

 

I have a staff meeting tonight at the bakery in which I work. Perhaps I will be offered bakery food to eat (probably not, but hey, it could happen). I will turn down the bakery food if it does.

[Elk]

Day 3. Doing what I said I'd do and updating my battle log. Whee.

 

Yoga today was good. :3 Day 3 and I'm noticing a difference already. I noticed that I felt an emotional disturbance in some of the powerful poses - like I shouldn't be powerful. This was interesting. I also am working on my flexibility in my lower abdomen.

 

Food today was mostly good. I ate a lot of candy tonight, though. We had a couple of friends over. I find it hard not to eat candy when it's a social setting and people bring it. :c It just seems so innocuous when everyone else is eating it. Then, later, I realize... wait, I didn't want to eat candy. It's not healthy. But in the moment, this motivation is far from my mind.

 

Continuing to bring intention to things, I think. Man, I'm tired though. @.@

[Elk]

Day 4. Did my morning yoga. Very nice. ^^ I was not as flexible in forward folds today. Interesting how that happens. 

 

Sad day. :C Spent it doing nothing, though, which was really nice. I've been working hard the past couple of days so that I could have a day of nothing, annnnd... here it is!

 

I promised myself I would do some music stuff today. I did a little bit, but not really to the extent that I would have liked.

 

Food... egh. I'm in the mentality of trying to minimize food intake. This probably isn't good. Not very kind to myself. I want to lose a little more weight, but I'm already in a healthy range. Guess I could go paleo or something. Egh.

I think I'm getting addicted to the vanity of having a nice body. :/ It's so rewarding to look at my body and feel satisfied with it... but I'm enjoying it for external reasons, rather than because it's my vessel for life or whatever. 

[Elk]

Day 6. 

Didn't fill this in yesterday. I was too exhausted.

 

GOAL: Yoga

Yep! 6 days strong! Yesterday, instead of doing a video in the series, I did an absolute beginner one with my fella. :>

I'm getting a little antsy about doing other exercise. I don't want to lose the strength I built doing the 30ds and running. If I get enough schoolwork done, I will do one of these things. Or bike to school. Or something.

 

GOAL: Food awareness

I haven't really been writing about food. I have been... wanting to restrict. I'm doing less high-intensity exercise, so I find myself wanting to compensate by undereating. I also have been very busy, so I keep finding myself feeling very very hungry because I haven't gotten around to eating. That said, my food choices have been very healthy for the most part. My cravings for sugar have substantially decreased lately, and I'm only realized that now as I write it. 

Coffee: I'm drinking coffee almost every day. My goal has been to decrease my coffee intake. Tomorrow: tea! No coffee!

 

GOAL: Food pragmatics

Made a sandwich for today!

Didn't buy any food on campus (but did buy coffee)!

Partner and I cooked a proper dinner! Victories all around. 

 

GOAL: Music

Watched a tutorial. Woohoo!

[Elk]

Day 7. Total meltdown day! Wahoo. That was fun. Ah well, needed to get it out of my system.

 

GOAL: Yoga

7 days. Aw yeah. Today was ab work. 

I love this Yoga with Adriene series. She is so funny. I feel so comfortable in my body and happy.

I keep forgetting that this is not my only goal. :/

 

GOAL: Food awareness

Today, being a meltdown day, I was driven to overeat. I allowed myself to eat some unhealthy stuff. I watched the automatic processes patiently, and acknowledged them and that I may have needed the space to eat compulsively. Healing can't be forced, and there will be a tendency to eat for comfort - this is a normal soothing instinct. I'm proud of how kindly I handled this.

 

GOAL: Food prep

lol yeah no. Maybe I should nix this goal. I don't really care about it. I just chose it because I needed to have a third goal.

Well, i guess I did steam some yams! That was good.

 

GOAL: Music

Lotsa noodling on the synth today! ^^

 

I think I'll give myself points now. So today, I'm giving myself 1 point for yoga, 2 points for being nice to myself with food, and 1 point for synth. Yay! 4 points.

[Elk]

Day 9. 

 

YOGA: Yes! If today's day 9, that means I've done 9 days of yoga. I'm starting to notice the effects. Yesterday, when I went from my lunge into warrior 1, there was this miniature epiphany that accompanied the movement as I realized that it was suddenly much easier than it had been in the past. This is one of my favourite parts of any kind of fitness - those moments where something that used to be more difficult (although I usually hadn't even noticed the difficulty!) suddenly comes easily.

 

FOOD AWARENESS: Today I wasn't hungry, but I wanted a Hershey's kiss, so I ate it - well-aware that it's not the best thing to do for weight or whatever. Did the same with a granola bar later. This is pretty freeing. Instead of guilting myself over eating, I've just been doing that. This opens the door for more positive conversations with myself about food. Instead of a dynamic of authoritarian forbidding food/rebel craving it, it becomes desire for pleasure/overall goals. c:

 

FOOD PREP: I made some food!

I think I'm going to switch this goal to: "ACADEMICS." Because food prep can go under food awareness.

 

MUSIC: ...not really. :c I forgot this was a goal, ahehhehe that's why i should check in erryday

[Elk]

Day 10. Today was definitely an off-day for me. 

 

YOGA: Yoga was hard today. I'm happy that I did it anyway, though. When I'm in an unpleasant state of mind, yoga is much more difficult. That's the downside of a practice that puts me in touch with myself - that negative moods become much more salient (although, in the long run, this is actually a good thing!)

Yoga has been helping me become more compassionate towards myself. A couple of days ago, I looked at my feet while doing yoga, and I felt this innocent, blissful joy in my body that reminded me of being a child. 

 

FOOD: I packed a healthy lunch. Ate dark chocolate - more than I probably ought to have. Was I aware of food? Yeah.. I think so. I felt a strong pull towards food for comfort (hence the dark chocolate), but I consciously gave myself permission, and had the clarity of mind to ask, "Do I really need this? Can I be satisfied without it? If eating chocolate is not satisfying my craving, then what is it that I am really craving?"

I did drink coffee. I've gone back to doing it every day. When I'm depressed, it's pretty helpful, ahahaha

Also, wanting to lose weight. Feeling uncomfortable in my body. It's very divorced from the reality of what my body looks like.

Next challenge, I think that I will focus on more specific nutritional goals. But for now - awareness. 

 

SCHOOL: Did a reading. Woo!

 

MUSIC: Nope. :/

 

Points: 2

Total points: 8

[Elk]

Day 12.  

 

YOGA: It's 7:36 and I haven't done my yoga yet. I will do it when I get home. I feel tired, and I don't want to do anything. But I will do it.

 

FOOD: Food is... food. I'm finding that I quickly want to change my food-related goals. I start thinking, "Maybe I should try to go without sugar," or, "Maybe I should keep my calories around 1200 a day." It's like a fantasy. Changing goals, and imagining myself fulfilling them, is much easier than actually carrying out a goal, while maintaining an illusion of being a productive state of mind. It's not a productive state of mind. It's indecision.

I continue to drink coffee. Should I alter that goal not to? I don't know.

I think I've been aware of food today. Feeling more restrictive. Eh. I should eat something. Then maybe I wouldn't be so tired.

 

ACADEMICS: ...so much personality psych @.@

 

MUSIC: Did lots yesterday! ..Not today. Yet. 

[Elk]

DAY 15

 

15 days straight of yoga. 8)

[Elk]

DAY 18

 

18 days straight. 8)

 

Retaining many waters today. :c I said I would write in this daily, but I have not been. I think it would help if I did.

Ate a mixture of very healthy and very unhealthy. Salad, apple, nuts... but also croissant and danish. I feel much better when I eat salad. I am going to aim to eat more salad in general.

I want to set more specific goals for next challenge.

 

I'm sleepy~~~ so many schooly things.