Milythael Goes Rogue

[milythael]

I'm not even going to bother pretending to have a goal oriented challenge or any story this time around.

 

Things to expect from this thread: Ranting and whinging.  Possibly pictures or videos of me making an idiot of myself.

 

Things I want to work on: hand balancing, bridges, GMB Fitness' Movement Multivitamin, aerials, buying a car.

[Lilith]

Hoping you will post a picture of your bridge  

[Mad Hatter]

Woohoo, you're here!

[milythael]

Hoping you will post a picture of your bridge

 

I posted a video of my bridge in the 6 week skill challenge.

 

In an unrelated note, I can't seem to get used to it not subscribing me to my own threads.

[milythael]

Realizing you've been up for over 5 hours on barely more than 3 hours sleep and haven't eaten yet.  Oh, I bet that nagging, persistent feeling in the pit of my stomach is hunger.

[milythael]

I am beginning to understand that I have things I want to write and no idea where I want to write them.  I can rant here.  I can rant on Facebook.  I can write for one of my blogs.  I can write emails to friends.  Hell, I can even write emails to /dev/null.  Sometimes, I want to write the same thing everywhere, but mostly, every place is a distinct slice of me.  Sometimes, I want to write something everywhere and have it be the same, and other times, I want to write something everywhere, but do so iteratively so my comprehension of this idea in my head might evolve.

 

I am a person, a mind and personality with a body.

I am the mind inside the person inside the body, and I experience a subset of what I am.

I am the effects I have on the world, both which I am aware of, and which I am not.

I am the person someone experiences in the world.

I am the person someone experiences at work.

I am the person a friend experiences.

I am the disembodied shards splintered across the internet.

I am my facebook profile(s).  (yeah, I kind of have three.)

I am my twitter feed(s). (at least two? Who knows.  I barely use them.)

I am my tumblr.

I am my blog(s). (No one can count that high.  Who even has a guess at how many still exist.)

I am the NF posts I've made.

I am the slice of NF posts I've made that any one person experiences. (Mad Hatter's me and Lilith's me are different.)

 

I am all of these things, and yet I am none of these things.  In every case, I am as unknown to myself as I am to others.

 

I literally have no idea where I'm going with this.  It wasn't at all what I thought I was going to write about when I started this post.

[thatgirljj]

Hi there!  Good to see you again.  It's totally OK to just be you.  The you that you are for yourself.

[milythael]

Hi there!  Good to see you again.  It's totally OK to just be you.  The you that you are for yourself.

 

I guess my point was that you can't just be that.  You are always all of those things.  It is unavoidable.

[milythael]

I've been having a terrible week.  So much so that I keep coming here to write something and giving up in disgust.  I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish this post.  It is attempt 2 or 3 already.

 

Sometimes, it seems like I am doing marginally better.  I've cleaned more, and I'm making glacial progress there in the right direction.  I'm starting to feel like I might be able to at least attempt better food again.  I'm even using the pool and getting sun once or twice a day.  Hell, so far I've even been going to the office.

 

Sleep is getting worse though.  Right now, a full four hours is a big night of sleep.  I'm not really getting the naps to fill in the gaps either.  I'm barely keeping my eyes open at work, and I'm avoiding caffeine in a misguided attempt to get my sleep working again.

 

Speaking of work, it is horrid.  Even if I weren't struggling, there is no point.  My job is meaningless, and I'm getting paid way more money than I'm worth there.  It makes no sense.  It is well past time to find another job, but I simply don't have the energy or drive to do it.

 

I'm doing some handstands, and some crow pose on some mornings.  I'm also sometimes doing the GMB MV, but not often, and not for much time.  I'm pretty frustrated because my preferred place to do handstands in the mornings between buses smells like someone has been using it as a latrine.  Nothing like the smell of urine to turn you off your practice.

 

Anyway, I'm still alive.

[thatgirljj]

 

Speaking of work, it is horrid.  Even if I weren't struggling, there is no point.  My job is meaningless, and I'm getting paid way more money than I'm worth there.  It makes no sense.  It is well past time to find another job, but I simply don't have the energy or drive to do it.

 

I'm doing some handstands, and some crow pose on some mornings.  I'm also sometimes doing the GMB MV, but not often, and not for much time.  I'm pretty frustrated because my preferred place to do handstands in the mornings between buses smells like someone has been using it as a latrine.  Nothing like the smell of urine to turn you off your practice.

 

I've been there with my job before.  It's not an easy place to be... it's hard to dig yourself out of for sure, because work takes so much of your life energy, that searching for somehting new is hard.  But if you can find it in yourself to start to work on finding somehting new (and just a start for now) know that spending that energy in another arena can help turn things around in a lot of ways.

 

And yeah... fuck practicing to the smell of pee.  Maybe instead of handstands you need to practice some alternate nostril breathing or something.

[alienjenn]

hey... sorry to hear that life is total suck

 

 

 

 

imagine the biggest most back breaking hug that you have ever gotten in the entire history of all the hugs of all the world

 

 

and then imagine that I am giving you one a hundred times bigger

[Lilith]

I am glad you do check in once in a while. I just don't know what to say to you I just really want you to feel better again someday

[Urzie]

*all of the greatest, biggest, bestest, bone crushing hugs*

 

It's good to hear you've started to use the pool again. The extra activity, awesome feeling of water on your body, and the vit D infusion from the sun might do some proper good. In fact, I'm a bit jealous. It's superb that you're doing better at home. How much isn't important. It's better. 

 

*some extra hugs*

[milythael]

Thank you all for your support.

 

I'm struggling hard.  Life really likes to kick you while you're down.  I'm having fewer debilitating depression days, but the ones I have seem to be worse.  It is a sign of how bad those days have been that at times I think people are lying when they say the want to be around me, and I can't understand why they are doing it.

 

I went to aerials today, but couldn't get a ride there or home, so 7 hours for a 90 minute class.  What is worse is that I was fighting severe nausea for the entire ride home.  Also, with my weight increase over the last couple months, I was a bit devastated to see my first instructor for the first time this session.  I'm way worse today than I was when she left for a trip abroad.

 

My diet has sucked so badly lately.  I'm going to change it.  I'll never get any better without better food, so I'm trying an experiment to depression proof my healthy food supply.  I took a look at how much I've been spending on crap delivery food and borderline restaurants and decided that if I'm spending that much anyway, and getting shitty food for the deal, then I can afford to try Pre-Made Paleo.  I ordered a 10 day whole 30 package.  3 meals a day, 10 days, all whole 30 compliant.  If it works out, I may start doing 20-30 day packages.  It really can't be worse than what I'm doing now.

 

Next Sunday starts a new session at the Circus School.  Deciding to go has been a struggle, but I'm going to do it.  This session has sucked ass. I literally gained over 30 lbs during a single session.  Obviously, my grip strength didn't go up a comparable amount in such a short time, so my grip strength to weight ratio went way down, and I've suffered from it every single class.  Add in injury, illness, and the added pain and awkwardness of so much fat, and I'm worse today than the day I started.  If I can manage the diet improvements, then this next session should see steady progression.  Who knows, I might be able to lift my damn weight off the ground on the silks again.

 

In addition to aerials, I found out there is a cyr wheel seminar in two weekends.  Since I've wanted to drop the $1500+ on a wheel since the first time I saw one, nothing short of elephants could keep me from going.  There is a chance that sticking me in a giant metal wheel is going to be as dangerous as Gojiro in Tokyo, but it's a chance I'm willing to take.  I apologize in advance for any of my tremors you experience.

 

Also, sleep.  I haven't got a clue how to get my body to let me sleep more.  I can't fall asleep until I'm passing out standing, and I can't stay asleep, nor fall back asleep.  I hate to do it, but I'm considering pharmacological assistance.  Physical improvement requires good nutrition and rest.  Recovery is critical, and damn it, I need it.  I'm operating in a severely sleep deprived state most of the time these days, and it isn't cutting it at all.  I've been worse, but I sure as hell don't want to go there.  It is a sign that I'm considering disabling every light in my apartment and mandating a zero light at night policy.  I'm not brave enough to mandate a zero computer/screen policy though, so there might not be a point.

 

Finally, I've been fortunate enough to get into a 4 week intensive handstand coaching group online.  It was very limited, but starting tomorrow, I'll be working heavily on my handstands for the next month.  I'd really like to become more consistent, and to push my holds up to 15+ seconds freestanding on nearly every attempt.  Right now, I have a lot of false starts, and the ones I do hit are almost always at least 1 second, with a max around 5-8 seconds.  My inconsistency was a serious impediment to my pursuit of the press to handstand, so it is time to do something about it.

[alienjenn]

dude... I looked at the website... it looks amazing that should really help with the fooding

 

the cyr wheel... I DEMAND EXPECT video because that'll be AWESOME!!!

 

not sure what to tell you about sleep.... I use the natural calm and it helps a LOT for me I definitly notice a difference when I don't take it... especially after work (meaning when I don't take it I only get about 2-4hrs sleep when I do take it I can get 5-6... since I only have about 6 hrs TIME to sleep it's helpful to get all I can) I know that you are reluctant to try meds... is that because you don't want to be dependent or you have found them unhelpful in the past? (I hate having to take anything myself so I understand)

 

 

 

also...

 

 

hugs

[milythael]

I cannot promise video, as I don't really know anything about the event, but it seems likely.

 

I am reluctant to take medication primarily because no one understands all the ramifications of any medication, and I'm more than screwed up enough without trying to tinker with systems that aren't well understood.  I have taken a list of sleeping related medications in the past, most of which were ineffective, or worse, terrifying.  (Yes, ambien, I'm staring at you.) My worst protracted period of insomnia had me sleeping about three hours every third day.  This is nowhere near that bad.  Lunesta worked great, but my insurance refused to cover it.  Something else I am no longer able to identify worked great to knock me out until morning if I took exactly the right dosage.  Too much, and I couldn't wake up at all.  Too little and nothing happened.  I had a variable dosage based on my discretion.  Whatever it was, it was prescribed for other reasons, and the sleep was just a fringe benefit.

[alienjenn]

yeah... one of the anti depressants I tried one time (I want to say celexa) gave me nightmares so bad that I didn't sleep (more than 20-30 min a night) for 11 days... I was almost dead from exhaustion... I stopped taking it after the 4th day... and it was the 12th night of not sleeping I finally felt safe enough to try to sleep again... it was horrid... my doctor wanted to put me in the hospital

 

when Shakespeare was litte we tried a bunch of different sleep medicines (because at 8ish he would sleep 4-5 hrs a night he still does... but... you know... an 8 year old is supposed to sleep more than 4 hrs a night) some he tried and he said he felt "locked inside his body" because his body would fall over but his brain would still be active... others did nothing

 

 

sleep is such a weird thing... we (the medical profession) don't really understand it... other than without it we don't heal and we get crazy...

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I really wanna see video

[milythael]

yeah... one of the anti depressants I tried one time (I want to say celexa) gave me nightmares so bad that I didn't sleep (more than 20-30 min a night) for 11 days... I was almost dead from exhaustion... I stopped taking it after the 4th day... and it was the 12th night of not sleeping I finally felt safe enough to try to sleep again... it was horrid... my doctor wanted to put me in the hospital

 

Ambien is a potent hallucinogen.  If it doesn't successfully put you to sleep, I discovered it can give you one hell of a trip.  When someone is so deep in a hole that taking their life seems like a reasonable choice, you really don't want them hallucinating.  I took ambien and didn't sleep for the next 8 hours.  I'm actually surprised ambien + caffeine isn't a designer street drug.  There are people who crave that kind of thing.  I'm just not one of them.

[alienjenn]

Ambien is a potent hallucinogen.  If it doesn't successfully put you to sleep, I discovered it can give you one hell of a trip.  When someone is so deep in a hole that taking their life seems like a reasonable choice, you really don't want them hallucinating.  I took ambien and didn't sleep for the next 8 hours.  I'm actually surprised ambien + caffeine isn't a designer street drug.  There are people who crave that kind of thing.  I'm just not one of them.

 

 

I am suprized that more things aren't designer street drugs...

[Mad Hatter]

Hugs! 

 

If you don't want to turn off your computer, have you tried using something like this, basically a red filter for your screen to better mimic evening light? It will hardly cure your insomnia but maybe it will help by a tiny fraction.  

 

I've also always wanted to try the wheel - it looks like a blast!  

[milythael]

If you don't want to turn off your computer, have you tried using something like this, basically a red filter for your screen to better mimic evening light? It will hardly cure your insomnia but maybe it will help by a tiny fraction. 

 

I've been using F.lux for a couple years.  It is one of the first things I install on a computer.  Recently, they introduced different light levels, and I have mine set to ember, which is really red and washed out.  It does help to reduce the effect of lights on my ability to sleep.

[milythael]

Pre-made Paleo happened on Friday.  See the full unboxing.  I've been eating high quality, tasty, healthy food for two days now.  From decision to eat, to eating is typically less than 10 minutes.  I'm pretty sure I'm cheating at life, but I don't think there is an agency to punish it.

 

Friday, I went to a local NF game night, and hung out with some nerds.  We played Cards against Humanity (my first time), and I laughed a lot.  I made some guacamole and damn, but it was good.  On the way home, I walked 2.5 miles rather than take the bus and light rail way out of my way because I went home after one of the routes stopped running buses.  I got home around midnight.  Someone guessed I was 25, so we played the how old am I game.  She also thought I looked like Malcolm Reynolds of Firefly.  I wanted to feel complimented, but I'm  pretty sure I just got told I looked like Captain Hammer, Corporate Tool, so it was a struggle.

 

Saturday, I swam twice, and in between, I went to the park for 5 hours with my friend's family.  Two adults and five children plus me.  It is up to you to decide which category I belong in.  For an hour, I watched littles play, then they went to the splash pad.  I was the only adult playing in the rain and water with a bunch of kids.  After we were soaking wet, we played around on the cargo net maze for a while.  One of their younger daughters isn't usually very animated, but she seemed excited by the idea of racing me on the cargo nets, so I ended up going from end to end with her. Then we had some food at IHOP.  After, the littles left and it was I, another adult male, and a 13 year old boy with a competitive streak.  We climbed the spider tower, then devised many crazy challenges on the spider tower and cargo net maze.  I was worried about injuring myself in aerials the next day, so I tried to do more pushing and less pulling, but there is no standard by which I took it easy.  I was certain I had done too much, but I had so much fun that it was worth it.

 

Today, Sunday, I went to aerials.  It was the first day of a new session.  This was my third level 1 session, and my third teacher.  I love learning from new people because each teacher has a different style and emphasis, and I learn new details every time.  Last week, I couldn't lift my weight off the ground.  Today, I managed to climb about 10 feet in the air.  My weight hasn't gone down, and I exhausted myself the day before.  Really, about the only thing I can attribute the improved performance to is 2 days of high quality food.  There is no way to tell if that is really the cause, but I'm very optimistic about this new food solution.  Also, when we switched to trapeze, we did partner trapeze for my first time, with me as base.  It was awesome, and really let me use my mass and leg strength to my advantage.  Video below:

[Elastigirl]

Awesome video! I don't think  you are cheating at all with the food. You are realizing what are realistic goals in your life and what will keep you on track, and that is always a win. Love, love, that you were playing and having fun with all the kids. I think part of the reason kids stop playing, is that adults don't play with them. So when kids get older they think they shouldn't play either. You showed kids that adults can be active and play too-that is awesome

[milythael]

I sincerely believe that the reason my age is so frequently and so drastically underestimated is because of my ability to, and attitude towards play.  You don't stop playing because you get old.  You get old because you stop playing.

[alienjenn]

Holy crap... that video... I'm super impressed

(sent by the phone. .. all mistakes are the phones fault)