mitch_dee Posted March 31, 2014 Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 There was once a time when I liked who I was, but that was so long ago that I can barely remember it. It’s time to change that; it’s time to try to find who I am again. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat down to write something like this and every time I do I feel as though all I am doing is throwing myself a pity party. I mean, I have a job (not the greatest but it pays the bills and allows for family time), I have a beautiful wife and have been blessed with an amazing daughter, my relationship with my parents is great and I have had amazing friends throughout my life. But despite all this things I hate myself, to the point that I am so angry typing this that I am fighting tears due to feeling so weak. There is no part of me that would ever think I would share this with anyone but lately these feeling have been effecting me in all aspects of life, I am angry all the time, quick to snap and lately have been looking to intentionally antagonize and at times openly attack people verbally. Over the years as I have become more of a recluse, I avoid almost any activity that involves other people or more and more that involve even leaving the house. I have not shared these feelings with anyone, though I know wifeDee and my parents have known something is wrong but they don’t know how bad it has become. The only reason I am saying anything now is due to the fact that lately the dark places have become scary, even to me and I feel that if I don’t vent there are only a few places that this can go. I feel as though the only reason I can even say anything here is due to the somewhat facelessness of this medium. I honestly don’t know if there is anything I can do to change but if I don’t, I fear that I may not be around much long to change; there is only so much longer this body can maintain this level of unhealthiness before it quits. I am posting this now using 20 seconds of courage or I never will post it. I will continue with it in just a sec due to the fact that I am now mentally fighting myself and it is getting ugly.I swear it will lighten up in here soon…… 1 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted March 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 Ok, now that I have talked myself back off the ledge…….and for once that didn’t involve me shoving 2 lbs of pasta down my mouth. I am here to change; NF is so full of amazing people that truly motivate me. I am tired of the petty jealousy and anger I feel when seeing you all succeed knowing that I could as well, but in turn just stay angry and take it out on you. As of today things change! I am now holding myself accountable to all of you (holy shit what am I doing!?!?!). I don’t ask for help (see above self hatred and pity party thoughts) but I am asking now I cannot keep myself on track alone, previous challenge failures will show that trend. I am hell out of the gate but faceplant in the back stretch.In order to stay on track this time I will be posting in this thread daily. The absolute minimum that will be posted is caloric intake for the day, tracked through MFP, and what workouts were completed. I will also be venting here to try to relieve some of the emotional/mental issues I am having right now and that have in the past tripped me up. This will allow me to hopefully stop any meltdowns that would have normally led to a rage foodfest long before the cause failure in achieving my goals. I will post details in the next thread to my first 2 weeks of goals. Yes only 2 weeks worth, I am starting small in the hopes of shortening the track and eliminating faceplant potential! Ok, breathe, you are airing everything out in order to help yourself…..there is no judgment here; it is ok to ask for help… 2 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted March 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 My biggest challenge comes in the food department, I love to eat! This is not a bad thing, but I use food as a weapon against myself. When I’m stressed, angry, upset or wanting to take it out on myself, I typically rage eat. Not just unhealthy food but a lot of it…as in 2 lbs of pasta…2 full meals from McDonalds or even a loaf of bread and stick of butter. The worst part of this is that I know how to eat well, hell I even cook healthy food a majority of the time but I still sabotage myself enough that this is always negated. So for the first two weeks I am working on my food habits. I have done the research and determined that my caloric need is roughly 3500 a day (using a few different sites and even Steve’s math) so I will be aiming for eating 2500 cal a day. I know I can eat very well on that amount. In order to stay to the 2500 cal a day goal:I will weigh and track all food using MFP and post the daily totals on here each day.I will track everything I eat, no need to lie, it helps no one!!! I am not here to impress people with what I eat; I am here to achieve goals and hope to impress people with results!I will be focusing on a mainly paleo diet with some dairy added and occasional beans or oatmeal. Cheese, pasta, flour torts, bread and butter are all my go to abuse foods so they will not be allowed in the house from now on.I need to make these changes for myself. I have tried to make changes for wifeDee and the midget but it has never worked…I need to be willing to change for me and accept that I am deserving of this change and deserve to be happy! Starting measurements:Weight: 372.2 lbsBF%: 47%Neck: 18.75"Chest: 58"Waist (belly button): 61"Hips: 55"(and I am now doing everything I can to avoid the kitchen till the rage subsides) 1 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
insanity Posted March 31, 2014 Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 Writing it down is a good way to start things. Gives your trouble a "face" that you can now face head on. Small steps are good, exactly because they reduce face plant potential and increase snowball potential. So vent away and rock on... Quote "Insanity - you make my world a better place man, you really do! That shit is awesome! :D" - Guzzi- My first challenge My battle Log: Insanity: Warrior Monk Honorary Ranger dubbed by DarK_RaideR, 1000 Pound club (875 of 1000) Link to comment
Guzzi Posted March 31, 2014 Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 Hey Mitch. First off, can I give you a big hug? I'm so sorry that these awful feelings have got such a grip on you. You don't deserve it, and I hope this log will help to alleviate some of them. You might not believe this, but I've been EXACTLY where you are now. It seems like a lifetime ago, but until my mid twenties I was a big ball of crazy. I was self destructive, hated myself and everyone around me beyond reason, and was at times suicidal. Like I said... Big ball of crazy. The best advice I can give you is to let it out. This thread is a good place to start and I think it's a great idea, but eventually you need to talk to the people around you who love you. The weirdest thing I found when I finally confronted my issues was that as soon as I spoke them aloud to the person involved.... They became irrelevant. I'd been holding on to a barrow load of hurt and anger for so long that I'd completely lost my perspective. Your issues are different from mine I'm sure, but I still think the solution is the same. You can use all of us to get this stuff out, just get it out of your head. Hopefully that will get you to a point where you can talk to your loved ones. That's when the real magic will happen. Until then, if you need someone to talk to give me a shout. I've been there, I won't judge. Big love Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
SevenofSeven Posted March 31, 2014 Report Share Posted March 31, 2014 Vent away Mitch, no judgement here. Just people who can empathise with your pain.Wishing you all the best on your life quest. Quote Wait! What............? Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 Day 1:too long of a day. But MFP shows 2261 cal for the day, so that's my first victory. Going to bed now..... 1 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Day 2:not to bad of a day, work was crazy but I made sure to eat well for breakfast and was held over till lunch. Did body weight wrokout during lunch breack, followed by protien shake, shower then lunch. I was running behind from work so wifeDee picked up dinner from the deli, Chix salad sandwiches and potato salad....not the best but had the room for it calorie wise so no big...just feel bloated and have a headache now (need to track those again). Cal: 2113Workout:warm up: 100 jump ropes sans rope, 30 high knees (15,15), 100 more jump ropes sans ropeBW Squats - 10/8/8inclined Push-ups (JG) -10/7/6Inverted Rows (JG) - 10/10/8Plank - 30 sec on, 30 off, 15 onnotes: Holy hell I can feel the extra weight I have put on in the last month or so when I last did my workouts. Was beat and shaky after workout, light soreness tonight. I have stayed hydrated I thought, but onset of major headache might be proove I need to pay more attention and make sure I do drink enough water. and that's day 2 in the books....final thought... I will find my happiness!! Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Hey! Way to go with the workout Have you thought of just finding one thing (no matter how small) each day that makes you smile? It's amazing how little it takes sometimes to alter our mood, and just taking a little time to focus on a happy thought could be enough to start the ball rolling. Remember:Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu, When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin. When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him. I thought about that smile, then I realized its worth. A single smile, just like mine could travel round the earth. So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected. Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected! 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Hey! Way to go with the workout Have you thought of just finding one thing (no matter how small) each day that makes you smile? It's amazing how little it takes sometimes to alter our mood, and just taking a little time to focus on a happy thought could be enough to start the ball rolling.Thanks. And I was actually going to start a daily "things to be thankful for" list. Was going to probably start it next week...was going to try to come up with one about life in general and force myself to come up with one about myself. So here goes, I'll start simpleThings to smile for:Life: the midget!Me: my spots, and the fact that soon they will multiply and give me a faux tan 1 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Me: my spots, and the fact that soon they will multiply and give me a faux tanMaybe I'm reading that wrong... but it doesn't sound like you've achieved your goal of identifying something positive to me. How about the fact that you're kind and thoughtful. Personally, I think that's a very nice trait, and clearly applies. Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 Maybe I'm reading that wrong... but it doesn't sound like you've achieved your goal of identifying something positive to me.How about the fact that you're kind and thoughtful. Personally, I think that's a very nice trait, and clearly applies.yeah, you were seeing that wrong...I was trying to thing about things I like about myself. My 'spots' are my freckles and with the spring and summer coming up they will multiply to the point the almost give me a tan without trying It took a while but I realized my freckles helped make my unique, I am covered head to toe, everywhere...and it's something I actually like about myself. Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 3, 2014 Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 In that case, yaaaaayyyyy!!!! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yesterdays update:opps...I did not plan on missing yesterday but it appears as though I passed out on the couch at 2100 and somehow crawled into bed without realizing it. So yesterday was painful, my leggs hurt so bad, so did some light stretching throughout the day but no real workout.Food: was pretty low due to class and some school insanity so I was around 1500 cal. oops Today has started with waking up to the storm sirens and power outages so I am already a few hours behind. Time to get it into gear!! Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
insanity Posted April 3, 2014 Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yesterdays update:opps...I did not plan on missing yesterday but it appears as though I passed out on the couch at 2100 and somehow crawled into bed without realizing it. So yesterday was painful, my leggs hurt so bad, so did some light stretching throughout the day but no real workout.Food: was pretty low due to class and some school insanity so I was around 1500 cal. oops Today has started with waking up to the storm sirens and power outages so I am already a few hours behind. Time to get it into gear!!What did I do to your school this time? and yay for sirens and outages, those are the fun times... Quote "Insanity - you make my world a better place man, you really do! That shit is awesome! :D" - Guzzi- My first challenge My battle Log: Insanity: Warrior Monk Honorary Ranger dubbed by DarK_RaideR, 1000 Pound club (875 of 1000) Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 5, 2014 Report Share Posted April 5, 2014 Hey Mitch. You missed your update. Accountability an all that.... Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
insanity Posted April 5, 2014 Report Share Posted April 5, 2014 Hey Mitch. You missed your update. Accountability an all that.... Man... you're watching everyone today... :-D Quote "Insanity - you make my world a better place man, you really do! That shit is awesome! :D" - Guzzi- My first challenge My battle Log: Insanity: Warrior Monk Honorary Ranger dubbed by DarK_RaideR, 1000 Pound club (875 of 1000) Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 Hey Mitch. I hope you read this... I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and that you can give me a shout anytime, ok?I hope everything is ok with you and I hope to see you posting here again sometime soon. And don't beat yourself up for letting it slide. Remember, it doesn't matter how many times we fall down, it's how many times we get back up that counts. Big love Guzzi Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
thekatisalie Posted April 11, 2014 Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 This is a big journey... finding that self-love and self confidence again. I can relate to so much of your first post... You aren't alone, and we're here to help you find YOU again! Quote Level 24 Frost Archer ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ Current Challenge: thekatisalie is back :: no seriously this time MyFitnessPal || Strava || SmashRun || Twitch I Instagram. I tweet. I cosplay. Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2014 **Gets up and dusts himself off** Well, that didn’t go well the first go about…..Guess it’s time to try again.I am hopeful that this attempt might work a little better. This coming week is my last real weak of class before finals; all projects are done so there should be no craziness besides to study for my 1 exam. That being said things are starting to return to a sense of normalcy…well as normal as the Dee household gets that is. WifeDee has decided to start her morning walks again and I am hoping that will lead back to her wanting to start eating right again, it’s so much easier when we are both on board the let’s get healthier train together (even though it never really lasts).So-, enough blah blahing…..I’m back, and that means it’s time for a 1 week challenge….yes only one, cause there will be another one directly after that…I really need the small victories to establish faith in myself.Week 1 Challenge: (these may sound familiar)Track All foodFood still tends to be my issue, especially binge times. I need to establish at least a month’s worth of results between food intake and any changes it might have in order to have data for a doctor’s appointment I will be making for a full check up and blood work.Food will be tracked on MFP, and will include everything I eat, including binges (hopefully there will be none of those).Daily Caloric target is between 2000-2500. Macros will be noted but not stressed right now.Exercise, aka get this fat ass movin’:Minimum of 3 bodyweight workoutsContinue daily pushups for PvP Quidditch matchDaily stretching – this is a must, I don’t care if its 5 mins or 50…I need to stretchI would like to fit in some outside cardio, but we are expecting severe weather for most the week I believe, will have to see about that one.Mind: (what little is left right now)Focus on finishing out school, study and stay focused for finalResearch a new read to start next week…possible topics: warriors mindset, Bushido, something lightly philosophical (again brain needs to recoup from school)Spirit:Focus on the good: like the attempt last time, pick one good thing about myself and one good thing about my life.Try to focus on not putting myself down….break the 20 year mindset of being the ‘fat guy’ as my identityThis will start on Monday, well the physical stuff at lease. I am hoping to post daily, though it might work best if I post the next morning since I tend to forget to update at night.And on that note the midget is waking up so off I go….for now….. 2 Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
Guzzi Posted April 26, 2014 Report Share Posted April 26, 2014 You sound in a better frame of mind this time around Mitch. I look forward to seeing you kick ass! Ding ding ding! Round 2! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
CourageousKate Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Yes! Glad to see you are back swinging. So great you have a little respite this week before finals. Looking forward to your Day 1 update today or tomorrow! Quote Level 5 Human Rangerwith Monk-Druid LeaningsSTR 12 | DEX 2 | STA 9 | CON 13.5 | WIS 7.25 | CHA 8.75 challenge 1 | challenge 2 | challenge 3 | challenge 4 | current challenge "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"Mary Oliver Link to comment
Elastigirl Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Great goals! The stretching one is great, as is the positive mind set. Can't wait to see all the awesome stuff you accomplish this week. Quote Wisdom 22.5 Dexterity 13 Charisma 15 Strength 21 Constitution-13 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27 Link to comment
mitch_dee Posted April 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2014 Day 1: MonFood: 1555 intake: class days are always a little off due to schedule. A little low for what I want but one day is not bad. Reinforced the thought that food is being tracked in order to set the habit, food choice changes will occur in the next few weeks.Exercise: all my joints have been really achy lately as well as my back around my kidney area. I did some light stretching in the morning and decided to push workout to today. Did complete knee pushups for PvP.Mind: started studying for final; creating list of books I want to read for pleasure and for making myself betterSpirit: I chose to stay away from the scale in order to not start the day in a defeated tone. I weighed in last week so I do have a starting point to go by. A new sub goal in this category will be to not weigh in or measure myself for at least 2 weeks. It was not too bad of a day just chaotic with school, severe storms and coming home to wifeDee midget and my sister in law. Oh and of course wifeDee spent the day backing 4 loafs of fresh bread and made 30 some-odd pancakes for future fast breakfasts…..god love her but I think sometimes she does not understand the “I really need to lay off the breads and pasta†idea. I will just consider it her way of helping me strengthen my willpower!! Starting data:weight: 382 lbsmeasurements: didn;t take since the measuring tape did not fit around my belly.....trying to brush it off though (not my belly) Quote “It’s the sensible, logical thing to do, of course, which is why we don’t do it.” -Tanis, Dragons of Autumn Twilight "Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it." - Raistlin - Dragons of Autumn Twilight Current Challenge Link to comment
CourageousKate Posted April 29, 2014 Report Share Posted April 29, 2014 Awesome Day 1! Great job stretching and getting pushups in, plus tracking. I love your sub goal to not weigh in for 2 weeks. This kind of progress is so slow, and it can definitely be discouraging to not see it reflected in the numbers (or to see it one week, only to see it go back up the next). You've got the right idea! Oh, how our loved ones can be so wonderful and create a challenge all at once! Nice attitude though. Resisting bread and pancakes = exercise in its own right Good luck studying for finals this week! Looking forward to your next update. Day 2!!! Quote Level 5 Human Rangerwith Monk-Druid LeaningsSTR 12 | DEX 2 | STA 9 | CON 13.5 | WIS 7.25 | CHA 8.75 challenge 1 | challenge 2 | challenge 3 | challenge 4 | current challenge "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"Mary Oliver Link to comment
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