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Bekah

Bekah's Step Seven: Aren't Princesses supposed to DO something????

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Week 2 Day 1:


 

Challenge Goal #1: 
Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 1/5

This week is the bedroom, we are supposed to make it look like a hotel/vacation retreat room, so today I found places for all the junk that has piled up by my bed since I had surgery that I haven't been up to moving and finding a place for. So the area next to my bed looks great for once :) I also hung up my Flylady Calendar too! 

 

Challenge Goal #2:
Quiet Time: (meditations and reading and using my earplugs) 1/7

today has really sucked, but I am going to do this tonight if it kills me. J is out of town for work for the next few days, and I think this earache is really taking a turn for the worse (dizzy, headache, earache, fever...general feel like shit-ness) so after this, I am going to go pause my farms (I won two Unwither rings, so my crops don't wither anymore on two farms :D ) and then go make some hot tea and lay my ass in the bed. I think part of it is also the level of cleaning I have been doing is beyond Flylady's babysteps (shocking, me doing more than is expected!!!) and I should take it easier, because i am still not even fully recovered. 

 

Challenge Goal #3: 
Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 0/1 and 0/1

I feel sick and don't want to do shit. 

 

Challenge Goal #4: Learn something new: (yoga breathing) 1/7

I am definitely going to do this tonight. I have been struggling with finding a time/place to do this, given that my bed at night is the exact wrong place because my husband is in it making his noise and wanting to talk to me, which is not conducive to breathing and meditation....bah...and while the 5am time frame works wonders, that means I get about 5 hours of sleep at night, rather than the 9 I get normally, because I can't go to sleep before 10pm regardless and I rarely get to sleep before midnight, because of the aforementioned husband and his noise and his talking to me. Soooooooooo....I need to find a solution, and now that Abby is home all day everyday, doing it during the day is out. 

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Bekah, you are working so hard!! I am impressed.

 

If there are things you don't want to do when you are this busy then simply take a break. Being at NF is supposed to bring motivation, strength, support and joy - not feeling forced to do things.

Give yourself some space, you are already doing so many great things.

 

Hugs!

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Bekah, you are working so hard!! I am impressed.

If there are things you don't want to do when you are this busy then simply take a break. Being at NF is supposed to bring motivation, strength, support and joy - not feeling forced to do things.

Give yourself some space, you are already doing so many great things.

Hugs!

Agreed. Love yourself and your time here.
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Week 2 Day 2:


 

Challenge Goal #1: 
Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 2/5

I didn't do much with this today, but I did put my zone stickers on my Flylady calendar, so I am going to count that considering today was a wash as a whole. 

 

Challenge Goal #2:
Quiet Time: (meditations and reading and using my earplugs) 2/7

I read a LOT today because I stayed in bed most of the day and did very little. I will do the meditations when I am done here. I failed with the earplugs, and of course they were extra noisy today (I think when I say that I have a headache, they get louder on purpose!!!) 

 

Challenge Goal #3: 
Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 0/1 and 0/1

Nothing today. 

 

Challenge Goal #4: Learn something new: (yoga breathing) 2/7

Going to do this again tonight :) 

Today was just an extension of feeling like shit yesterday, so I stayed in bed most of the day, ordered GF pizza for dinner (Yay for Dominos :D ) and just helped Abby with her school related meltdown stuff, and figured out some scheduling issues with her...and then just read and relaxed the rest of the day. Made a breakfast casserole for tomorrow just now, and that was about it for today. 

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Sometimes you just have days like that; but I'm glad that you're still sticking with those goals! Super inspiring! It sounds like with cooking and helping out, you probably did more than you think. :)

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Bah....emotional vomit time.

I have really grown to love who I am in most respects, but not all of them. I HATE that I am so needy and so overwhelmed by life, and my weight, and that I can't hack being a competent adult and any attempt to do so, leads to constant meltdowns and frustration and failure. So, my choice, after facing these things about myself, was to work things out with J, and I think overall, it was a very good choice, but it feels pretty forced, given the wreck I was making of the lives of my children and having to either continue to let them fall and not be able to catch them, or work things out. I hate that I can't raise my kids and work and pay bills and do "normal" grown up shit, without J (or someone) there to pick up the huge amount of shit I can't capably handle.

It is the crux of the problem in my marriage and my life, and I really hate that my inability to function in the world has already, and continues to, impact my husband and children so negatively. I think, as much as I want to do it, going to Grad school is a mistake, because I don't feel confident in my ability to actually succeed in the field, and I think I just want to prove to others that I am something I'm not, and if/when I don't succeed...I have wasted time and money on something else that I failed at doing, and didn't gain anything in return but heartache.

Part of that is based on my marriage too, he wants a "partner" and I am not as much of a partner as I am like another kid in many ways, and not contributing financially just adds to that (for me, he says it doesn't matter) and until I can make some kind of income or he graduates and makes significantly more income, we cant get ahead at all, and I feel like it's my fault.

He can't handle the stress of working, going to school, being the only transportation, parenting, his health etc. without me pulling more weight, yet I am incapable of doing it, therefore he can't succeed bc I can't do what he needs me to. So it makes me feel like shit about myself and it's not something I am capable of changing to any significant degree...but I am getting a lot better at taking care of the house and the kids and the everyday shit that doesn't require me to drive to do it...so that's at least a positive. I just don 't know how to accept my limitations when my family is suffering from them :(

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Bekah

Where do I begin, I have to tell you that I do understand what you are saying here.  I just want to share that this rant ... is not something you are alone in.  *mega hugs* 

I want to just heap all this advice and well meaning help into your lap.  I have been where you are... boy howdy have I been there.  It gets better.  You get stronger.  You will figure it out and make it work. 

 

favorite quote here...

 You never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only option.

 

 I worked so hard and I struggled for so long.  I let that voice inside my head convince me that I was of no value.  that voice is wrong.  Don't listen to it.

Talk to your J... have him - with you - as a team come up with a plan to counter act how you're feeling and what things within your control you can do to begin to feel better about your ability to be a wife /mother/person.    Don't forget in all this that fear is never about being rational.  Perhaps a driving course they have some that are simulated so if you wreck its make believe .. no one can get hurt.  You might even start with a riding lawn mower.  That's how I was taught how to drive.  Just.. let yourself believe in what you can do. 

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Bekah

Where do I begin, I have to tell you that I do understand what you are saying here.  I just want to share that this rant ... is not something you are alone in.  *mega hugs* 

I want to just heap all this advice and well meaning help into your lap.  I have been where you are... boy howdy have I been there.  It gets better.  You get stronger.  You will figure it out and make it work. 

 

favorite quote here...

 You never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only option.

 

 I worked so hard and I struggled for so long.  I let that voice inside my head convince me that I was of no value.  that voice is wrong.  Don't listen to it.

Talk to your J... have him - with you - as a team come up with a plan to counter act how your feeling and what things within your control you can do to begin to feel better about your ability to be a wife /mother/person.    Don't forget in all this that fear is never about being rational.  Perhaps a driving course they have some that are simulated so if you wreck its make believe .. no one can get hurt.  You might even start with a riding lawn mower.  That's how I was taught how to drive.  Just.. let yourself believe in what you can do. 

Thank you :)

I appreciate your encouragement. The driving bit is unsolveable...I am legally blind and will never drive, and we live in a small beach town with shitty public transportation, and can't leave here without a decent income, which we will never have if I can't get and keep a job or J doesn't get his degree or both. My not being able to find a job, is primarily due to location (at least I want to believe that is why, and its not that I am a worthless POS). I am in a shitty spot with very few viable options, and Grad school was the only thing I saw as a possible way out...but that's the fear part, I really don't think I can do it, for a variety of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with fear and have everything to do with my capabilities, and I want to think I can "figure it out" and learn and make it work, but what if I cant? I don't want to spend $40k on another degree only to find out that I suck at the job and am incapable of doing it. I know they have internships, so really I wouldn't get past the first year, but thats still a good $15k, just to see if I can hack it....and I don't even qualify for loans or grants or anything bc its a Master's program...and at the moment, I spend 12 hours a day helping Abby with school, so I don't have time for my own schoolwork. I literally have to sit here and redirect her every ten minutes...I was only able to do the Flylady stuff last week and this week because my bedroom is where she is doing schoolwork and the bathroom is attached to the bedroom...if I walk out of the room, she stops working. It's frustrating as hell, but thats a whole other topic :(

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Bekah,

 

I'm sorry you are going through the struggles you are. I wish I lived in the vicinity. I would become your friend and encourager helping you in whatever way I could. Do you mind if I ask who Abby is and how old your kids are? How much longer does your husband have until he graduates?

 

It sounds like you did well with your Flylady stuff the first week, but remember only work your Flylady stuff for a certain amount of time, when the timer goes off give yourself permission to stop!!! You won't change your house overnight, but Flylady doesn't expect you to.

 

Hugs to you, hang in there.

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Bekah,

 

I'm sorry you are going through the struggles you are. I wish I lived in the vicinity. I would become your friend and encourager helping you in whatever way I could. Do you mind if I ask who Abby is and how old your kids are? How much longer does your husband have until he graduates?

 

It sounds like you did well with your Flylady stuff the first week, but remember only work your Flylady stuff for a certain amount of time, when the timer goes off give yourself permission to stop!!! You won't change your house overnight, but Flylady doesn't expect you to.

 

Hugs to you, hang in there.

Abby is my daughter, she is 14 and JJ, my son is 15. J, my husband, has years to go before he graduates...it would be 2 years if he went full time, but right now he is taking 2 classes per semester so its going to be more like 4 years, and he struggles with this just those 2 and has dropped several courses during the years bc the stress of it all is very hard on him, it took 7 years to get his AA and only then bc we were able for him to go full time and not work....so I honestly worry he may never finish, and if he doesnt, and I dont find a way to work, we will be poverty living forever...and that was NOT the plan we started our marriage with. I was supposed to get my BA and work, he was going to finish his BSE after me (I had 1 year left when we met) but then I realized that my chronic unemployment was not just transportation issues, and haven't worked more than 3 months, in a decade (done lots of volunteer work hoping for it to become something) and my employability is lessened every year now, but hopefully now that our relationship is stablizing and I am putting 100% of my time into the kids and the house, he can get school finished before too many more years go by. But none of that makes me feel less like a failure as a wife/mother/adult.

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I wish I could say or do something... anything to help you see you are capable of any of this.  Being a full time mom is just as important especially with kids that need extra attention.  Its not financially great.. but it is very important.  Focus on one task at a time.  One step in the stair case.  Focus on the things right now and here that need the most attention.  Believe in yourself, believe in J, and believe that the far away future is better.   *hugs*

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Oh Bekah! I'm so sorry to see you feel like this. I just wish there was something I could say or do that could possibly help. I think you're an amazing person and I really, really hope you can find a way to balance all these different aspects to your life.

Please remember, J and the rest of the people in your life, they love you for who you are, not for who you wish you could be.

Posted Image

For you, lovely lady. Xx

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I wish I could say something to help you not feel like a failure. It's a hard thing to believe when in the tangles of depression and life's usual crap.

I love you and do not believe you are a POS. Your love is boundless when it comes to us. I just want to ask you to shine a tiny part of that love back to yourself. And try to feel the love everyone here has for you.

I know that won't be easy, but I'm sure it will feel great.

Self compassion; best love ever!

Cheers!

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Abby is my daughter, she is 14 and JJ, my son is 15. J, my husband, has years to go before he graduates...it would be 2 years if he went full time, but right now he is taking 2 classes per semester so its going to be more like 4 years, and he struggles with this just those 2 and has dropped several courses during the years bc the stress of it all is very hard on him, it took 7 years to get his AA and only then bc we were able for him to go full time and not work....so I honestly worry he may never finish, and if he doesnt, and I dont find a way to work, we will be poverty living forever...and that was NOT the plan we started our marriage with. I was supposed to get my BA and work, he was going to finish his BSE after me (I had 1 year left when we met) but then I realized that my chronic unemployment was not just transportation issues, and haven't worked more than 3 months, in a decade (done lots of volunteer work hoping for it to become something) and my employability is lessened every year now, but hopefully now that our relationship is stablizing and I am putting 100% of my time into the kids and the house, he can get school finished before too many more years go by. But none of that makes me feel less like a failure as a wife/mother/adult.

 

Thanks for the rundown on the family. I so admire you and your husband for your commitment to education. Although your husband may be struggling to get it done, he is still striving for that ultimate goal which can make you life better. I teach at a community college and have had many students who have "life" happening while trying to get their degree. I can't imagine the stress it creates. Congrats on his finishing his Associates degree and best of luck for him finishing his Bachelors in the shortest time frame possible for your family.

 

I would encourage you to pick ONE thing about being a wife or mom to focus on and consistently work on doing that. Then pat yourself on the back each time you do it. Personally, I'm not much of a hugger or kisser so I told myself to start giving my husband a "good" kiss before leaving for work every day. I've been doing that now for about two weeks and I feel like a much better wife because he just lights up when I kiss him good-bye now. It was just a simple thing with the consequence of making a huge difference in how we both start our day. Maybe ask your husband what one thing he'd like you to do. You could offer choices like, "If I did one of the following for you which would make you feel the most loved, 1) give you a "real" kiss before you leave the house, 2) meet you at the door with a nice cold beverage when you get home from school, 3) sit down and watch a 1 hour tv show of your choice with you 4) snuggle every night for 20 minutes (okay those would be the choices I'd give my husband). Then try to do that on a consistent basis. I bet he'd respond positively which would lead to you doing something good for your marriage and making you feel better. You can only do what you can do and making small changes (remember Flylady's babystep rule!) is as good as anything!

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I wish I could say or do something... anything to help you see you are capable of any of this. Being a full time mom is just as important especially with kids that need extra attention. Its not financially great.. but it is very important. Focus on one task at a time. One step in the stair case. Focus on the things right now and here that need the most attention. Believe in yourself, believe in J, and believe that the far away future is better. *hugs*

I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it. I have this war between what I want and what I "should" want, based on expectations of everyone else, my family, society etc. and deep down, I really just want to be a good wife and a good mom and couldn't care less about working as long as we were financially stable, but we aren't...and that eats at me and makes me feel like it's wrong to want to stay home and not work, while J goes out and busts his ass everyday, especially bc I am not all that great at the house, mom, wife stuff in the first place...even though I try hard.

Oh Bekah! I'm so sorry to see you feel like this. I just wish there was something I could say or do that could possibly help. I think you're an amazing person and I really, really hope you can find a way to balance all these different aspects to your life.

Please remember, J and the rest of the people in your life, they love you for who you are, not for who you wish you could be.

Do they really? I guess I just hold myself to a standard that is even more impossible to attain than I realized...but how do I really see what I am capable of and accept that about myself? I second guess EVERYTHING that I think or do or say or feel...how do I know what is what?

I wish I could say something to help you not feel like a failure. It's a hard thing to believe when in the tangles of depression and life's usual crap.I love you and do not believe you are a POS. Your love is boundless when it comes to us. I just want to ask you to shine a tiny part of that love back to yourself. And try to feel the love everyone here has for you.I know that won't be easy, but I'm sure it will feel great. Self compassion; best love ever!Cheers!

The crux of the problem...self doubt and lack of self love...hah my horoscope said I needed to "let go" of something...this is clearly it, but do I just make a choice to believe and trust myself, like the other things...will that actually work?

Thanks for the rundown on the family. I so admire you and your husband for your commitment to education. Although your husband may be struggling to get it done, he is still striving for that ultimate goal which can make you life better. I teach at a community college and have had many students who have "life" happening while trying to get their degree. I can't imagine the stress it creates. Congrats on his finishing his Associates degree and best of luck for him finishing his Bachelors in the shortest time frame possible for your family.

I would encourage you to pick ONE thing about being a wife or mom to focus on and consistently work on doing that. Then pat yourself on the back each time you do it. Personally, I'm not much of a hugger or kisser so I told myself to start giving my husband a "good" kiss before leaving for work every day. I've been doing that now for about two weeks and I feel like a much better wife because he just lights up when I kiss him good-bye now. It was just a simple thing with the consequence of making a huge difference in how we both start our day. Maybe ask your husband what one thing he'd like you to do. You could offer choices like, "If I did one of the following for you which would make you feel the most loved, 1) give you a "real" kiss before you leave the house, 2) meet you at the door with a nice cold beverage when you get home from school, 3) sit down and watch a 1 hour tv show of your choice with you 4) snuggle every night for 20 minutes (okay those would be the choices I'd give my husband). Then try to do that on a consistent basis. I bet he'd respond positively which would lead to you doing something good for your marriage and making you feel better. You can only do what you can do and making small changes (remember Flylady's babystep rule!) is as good as anything!

I didn't want to bold the entire thing...but we clearly have very similiar relationship struggles, every one of those choices would be a great step in the right direction for us. I am definitely going to ask him that question. and thank you too :)

I love you all dearly, if I haven't said that to you recently...I do :) I appreciate you all so much! Thank you for being here and part of my life ( and this goes for ALL of you, not just those I quoted here)

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when our children were young.  My spouse worked hard, terrible shifts, it really wore on him.  I don't recall exactly how we came up with thie plan, but each day when he would come home from work, while he changed out of his work clothes into comfortable clothes I went in with him with my little note pad  and we discussed what was going on with the kids, who had to be where and when in the next 5 hours/24 hours/48 hours.  What financial concers were coming due within the next week.  What event or meeting or doctors appointments were coming due within the next month.  Anything at all to do with the successfull management of the house.  On Fridays we ran through a menu plan so I could build a grocery list.  Report cards.  Things he needed to focus on to praise the kids.  example when one did well on an assignment, aced a test ... what ever it was. 

 

The family learned the first 20 minutes after dad got home was parent conference time.  No interuptions were allowed during that time. Once it was a habit, it was wonderful.  I was able to tell him everything he needed to know each day.  He was able to process the information and ask me to do things for him the next day.  (which i wrote down on my notebook)  He felt more connected to the kids, because he had daily input and insight into what was going on with them allowing him to talk to them about stuff that mattered to them.

 

We as a couple were stronger that way and more connected.  It was really good to feel in control of what was going on.  I was an at home mom for 9 years.  we were really broke for most of that.

 

suggestion only....

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Your situation kind of reminds me of friends I had a little while ago. Big family, single income, most of the family living with various disabilities, one parent unable to work and struggled with housework and parenting. It was really rough for them, and they were completely broke all the time. If anyone deserved to catch a break it was them, but they never did, last I heard. :( But they had such love for each other, and they tried their best to work to their own level of "normal" rather than one set by outside expectations.

 

So right now I'm thinking of you and sending positivity your way. You are such a positive, caring person, even with all of your struggles. That's what I see.

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Your situation kind of reminds me of friends I had a little while ago. Big family, single income, most of the family living with various disabilities, one parent unable to work and struggled with housework and parenting. It was really rough for them, and they were completely broke all the time. If anyone deserved to catch a break it was them, but they never did, last I heard. :( But they had such love for each other, and they tried their best to work to their own level of "normal" rather than one set by outside expectations.

 

So right now I'm thinking of you and sending positivity your way. You are such a positive, caring person, even with all of your struggles. That's what I see.

Thank you :)

That's what I'm scared of, always being in this place of never enough, no matter how hard we try.

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I think it will 'begin' to work. Your heart is strong, it's just that your mind deals in the numbers game. Your mind will want plenty of proof so be ready with a list of the good you've done, for yourself mainly, and the good you do for others. With the number of things you've done well taking center stage in your conscious life, the your mind becomes willing to concede that you are getting better and worthy of love and attention. Your brain will start to reassess its sense of self.

Time is the four-letter word here. Your brain runs so fast, it decides how you feel about yourself a thousand times a day. They say it's important to slow down. I think that's why. The more we are in an enjoyable moment, the curious we are vs judging so much, the more balanced the numbers become. Hence, your brain worries less because it's experiencing life in the present and it doesn't reach into the past as much to determine itself.

Hope. Testing. Keeping track = A happier self.

P.S. All comments are made by an amateur know-it-all, please handle with a grain of sodium if necessary.

Cheers!

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Thank you :)

That's what I'm scared of, always being in this place of never enough, no matter how hard we try.

I am not advocating that you settle, but if your family has a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and everything they need (not want, need) then why can't that be enough? So perhaps not what you planed for life, but when did life follow our plans? ;)

I don't know about you but I do better when I have goals to reach for, work on those, but also work with what you have now to make it "enough"

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Abby is my daughter, she is 14 and JJ, my son is 15. J, my husband, has years to go before he graduates...it would be 2 years if he went full time, but right now he is taking 2 classes per semester so its going to be more like 4 years, and he struggles with this just those 2 and has dropped several courses during the years bc the stress of it all is very hard on him, it took 7 years to get his AA and only then bc we were able for him to go full time and not work....so I honestly worry he may never finish, and if he doesnt, and I dont find a way to work, we will be poverty living forever...and that was NOT the plan we started our marriage with. I was supposed to get my BA and work, he was going to finish his BSE after me (I had 1 year left when we met) but then I realized that my chronic unemployment was not just transportation issues, and haven't worked more than 3 months, in a decade (done lots of volunteer work hoping for it to become something) and my employability is lessened every year now, but hopefully now that our relationship is stablizing and I am putting 100% of my time into the kids and the house, he can get school finished before too many more years go by. But none of that makes me feel less like a failure as a wife/mother/adult.

 

It sounds to me like the 100% of your time you are giving to your children and your house are helping out a lot more than you are giving yourself credit for.  Being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs out there, but the fact you're giving your children all your energy hints to me that you are by no means failing as a wife and a mother, and are doing the most responsible "adult" thing to do.

 

I think you're doing what is best for your husband and your children right now.  Take it one day at a time, and as different challenges present themselves I think you have the right head on your shoulders to approach them!  

 

This may be going off on a tangent but maybe you need to hear it; I am an EMT and I have responded to a lot of car accidents & elder cases (falls, breathing problems, nursing home emergencies, etc) - and I've had more than 10 people die on me.  Not once in our ambulance rides did we hear people complaining that they didn't work as much as they wanted to or didn't make enough money.  Most of them on their last dying breath confided to me that they wish they would have spent more time with their children, their spouses, and made their house truly a "home."  I had a lot of people crying to me about their regrets, and I was surprised most of their regrets were surrounded around their lost time with family, or failing to recognize it's importance over work & career.  It's definitely opened my eyes to the "American way of life," as I call it.  

 

If the best thing you can do right now is love your children and support your husband emotionally, I really think that's enough, and more than enough, and you're wayyyyy ahead of so many American families.  Seriously.  You are so far from a failure.

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