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Bekah

Bekah's Step Seven: Aren't Princesses supposed to DO something????

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when our children were young. My spouse worked hard, terrible shifts, it really wore on him. I don't recall exactly how we came up with thie plan, but each day when he would come home from work, while he changed out of his work clothes into comfortable clothes I went in with him with my little note pad and we discussed what was going on with the kids, who had to be where and when in the next 5 hours/24 hours/48 hours. What financial concers were coming due within the next week. What event or meeting or doctors appointments were coming due within the next month. Anything at all to do with the successfull management of the house. On Fridays we ran through a menu plan so I could build a grocery list. Report cards. Things he needed to focus on to praise the kids. example when one did well on an assignment, aced a test ... what ever it was.

The family learned the first 20 minutes after dad got home was parent conference time. No interuptions were allowed during that time. Once it was a habit, it was wonderful. I was able to tell him everything he needed to know each day. He was able to process the information and ask me to do things for him the next day. (which i wrote down on my notebook) He felt more connected to the kids, because he had daily input and insight into what was going on with them allowing him to talk to them about stuff that mattered to them.

We as a couple were stronger that way and more connected. It was really good to feel in control of what was going on. I was an at home mom for 9 years. we were really broke for most of that.

suggestion only....

I very much appreciate the suggestion...and it's something that makes total sense, to me. I tried something like that with him, and it went over very poorly. He likes to be left alone to some degree (there is a fine line there that I never will understand) but I am very glad that it works so well for your husband and makes life easier for you :)

I am not advocating that you settle, but if your family has a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and everything they need (not want, need) then why can't that be enough? So perhaps not what you planed for life, but when did life follow our plans? ;)

I don't know about you but I do better when I have goals to reach for, work on those, but also work with what you have now to make it "enough"

It probably "should" be, but it isn't, and It's fear based bc of money and also that some of my needs, are very different, and harder to accomplish with no money. Like my need for everything in my whole house not to be various shades of brown (I realize 99.9% of the world sees that as a want, but I feel in colors, so eveything being brown to me is the equivalent of winter for people with SAD...does that make sense?) but in order for everything not to be brown. we either a.) move, b.) clean and paint everything and change the furniture and curtains...and you think "well b.) doesn't sound so bad" except that J wont let me actually "do" any of that myself, and to clean and paint requires a complete decluttering of grandmas hoards of shit that I cant go through bc I might throw out something meaningful (I have done it accidentally, bc it all looks like garbage to me) and this only adds to my sadness and stress...the asston of clutter. He doesnt have the energy to do it after working all week, and bitches nonstop about how he has to do everything and no one else does anything, but he refuses to let anyone do it, and my family offered to come help, he says no, I find someone who will do it cheaply, he says no, but he never does it and Abby doesnt even have a bedroom to sleep in because of grandma's clutter, but if I go in there and clean it out, hes going to be furious.

How do you stay calm and focused and happy when everything around you on a daily basis makes you fucking miserable? I cant walk around with my eyes and ears and nose closed all the time.

I think it will 'begin' to work. Your heart is strong, it's just that your mind deals in the numbers game. Your mind will want plenty of proof so be ready with a list of the good you've done, for yourself mainly, and the good you do for others. With the number of things you've done well taking center stage in your conscious life, the your mind becomes willing to concede that you are getting better and worthy of love and attention. Your brain will start to reassess its sense of self.Time is the four-letter word here. Your brain runs so fast, it decides how you feel about yourself a thousand times a day. They say it's important to slow down. I think that's why. The more we are in an enjoyable moment, the curious we are vs judging so much, the more balanced the numbers become. Hence, your brain worries less because it's experiencing life in the present and it doesn't reach into the past as much to determine itself.Hope. Testing. Keeping track = A happier self. P.S. All comments are made by an amateur know-it-all, please handle with a grain of sodium if necessary. Cheers!

I will try this.

*Hugs* Cuz that's all I got .... just that I'm thinking of you.

Thank you :)

If the best thing you can do right now is love your children and support your husband emotionally, I really think that's enough, and more than enough, and you're wayyyyy ahead of so many American families. Seriously. You are so far from a failure.

I agree with this, but my practical application of it, is piss poor compared to a "typical" family....I SUCK at emotionally supporting them all (and I know you are going to say it's bullshit, bc I am so supportive here...but it's true) because I don't "get" the nonverbal stuff at all, and sometimes what I "feel" from them and what they say is different, and I can't remember the sandwich rule about talking to people, when I'm trying to figure out wtf is going on with all the verbal and non verbal stuff in a conversation, and here...all of that is gone. Here I can not "get" it, and take the time to reread or ask or whatever to understand it clearly, but in the "real world" that doesnt happen...so I suck at being supportive when all my energy for supporting people is used up dealing with brown walls and clutter and noises and smells...so that is exactly why I feel like a failure, bc my ability to do what I consider to be most important is dismal, and my ability to provide financially to allieviate other stressors, is nonexistent, so I am a failure all the way around.

J actually said the other day, that my parenting of the kids, is equivalent of someone who says they " dont want to be a parent" (bc I said that before, bc I feel like my kids would have fared better with someone else---but he took that to mean I dont give them my all) so even my 100% best at parenting is only good enough to be equivalent to someone who "doesn't want to be a parent", so can you imagine what not trying would be? I'd be one of those moms who lock their kids in cages or something :( (not that I ever would, but my not trying to be a parent, would be the equivalent of that).

Well, gee that was depressing. Talk about emotional vomiting.

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This challenge is devolving into Bekah's PMS Pity Party (this happens once per challenge every challenge, bc I can't just get zits or cramps and want chocolate, no...I have to get the "Im so depressed I dont want to get out of bed for 2 weeks" kind of PMS....grrr) although every challenge, the problems get more and more solveable....so there is my positive in that dark cloud :)

soooo...in order to prevent further devolution...what were my challenge goals again???

Challenge Goal #1:

Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: Make a PvS (or PvP if anyone is interested) for doing Flylady daily routines, missions and zone work. and settle definitively on what I want as far as decor changes (I need new curtains and bedroom stuff mainly). I get a rainbow sticker for doing this everyday before 9pm.

Challenge Goal #2:

Quiet Time: Do the Mediations from the Mat and finish up the WoT series and use my earplugs in the house ALL the time if I need to. Spend 10 minutes after my breathing doing the Meditations, and just read before bed like I have been doing. I get a star sticker for the doing the meditations.

Challenge Goal #3:

Helping People: I have really been slacking on my Ambassador duties around here, granted I had a good reason, but it doesn't make me feel good to have committed to doing something and then not done it. I have done the same thing with my son's Scout troop and both make me feel terrible about myself. So I am going to go to his Scout meetings every week during this challenge and take on the training coordinator role that I have been assigned, and I am going to spend no less than 30 minutes, 3 days per week here helping out new and potential Druids.

Challenge Goal #4:

Learn something new: I need to learn how to do the various yoga breathing techniques correctly...and I really have put it off, because I don't ever feel like I'm "doing it right" and so I just quit...but I can't practice any asana right now, but I can damn sure sit on my mat and breathe...so I am going to spend 10 minutes a day just learning to breathe. I get a big smiley sticker for doing my breathing.

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Week 2 Recap

Challenge Goal #1:

Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 1/5

This week's focus was the bedroom. Got one day done, BUT made my bed everyday, so still a major fail.

Challenge Goal #2:

Quiet Time: (meditations and reading and using my earplugs) 6/7

J was out of town this week, so I had a lot of time to myself after the kids went to bed, and it was GREAT! So I was able to do this most days this week with no problems, and yesterday I even laid down and closed my eyes and put in some earbuds with the music I use for yoga, and just relaxed for about 3 hours and everyone left me alone...it was amazing :)

Challenge Goal #3:

Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 1/4

I didn't go to Scouts because I was sick, and I know I was here and checking up on everyone, but I wasn't really keeping track of the L1's specifically, so it doesn't count unless it's specific to L1's or Druids...so another fail. twice so far this week.

Challenge Goal #4:

Learn something new: (yoga breathing) 6/7

This goes very well with the meditation, because everytime I do one, I do the other. Maybe those two should be a combined goal and the quiet time be the reading and earplugs only.

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dude

 

 

sorry stuff sucks right now

 

 

I totally understand not getting how to support your family... I don't know how to get people around here to listen to me... I don't know what to say when people are crying or upset... somehow "shut up and go to your room" isn't the appropriate answer... 

 

 

as for J needing to be left alone... maybe if he gets a written report to go over during alone time that he could get notes on? (just thinking of ways to communicate)

 

 

 

as for girl child... flylady works for you... make it work for her... turn homework into zones (like each subject is a zone)... and then make her do 15 min on a zone... then if she gets 15 min then she can get x reward... or if she gets 15 min she gets a sticker (or points)... then if she earns a certain amount of stickers/points/whatever... then she can get x super reward...  you can make a chart or something... pm me on fb or something if you want me to help figure something out... 

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Lots of love Bekah. :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart: :love_heart: My heart aches for you with all the shit going on at home right now, I wish I could offer up some help or advice, but I got nothin.

Maybe this will help...

Posted Image

Made me smile :)

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Wishing good things for you in week 3!

 

HallmarkOrnament2013Official.jpg

I have that Christmas ornament and it was on my tree this year :) I also have an original glass one from the 80's bc I'm a total geek about collecting Rainbow Brite stuff.

Rainbow_Brite_Glass_Ornament.jpg

and now it's time for an update! :)

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Week 3 Day 2 Recap

Challenge Goal #1:

Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 0/5

This week's focus is the living and dining room. Did nothing yet, but plan to make up for that today.

Challenge Goal #2:

Quiet Time: (reading and using my earplugs and taking time outs when I need them) 1/7

Well, I realized I needed a time out a few times, and took it when I could, it's hard though bc I want to push myself to "deal with it" bc most people can, so it's something I "should" manage, but I can't, and if I don't take the time out, It's worse than it would have been in the first place. Buuuuuut, I am getting better at it, this surgery bit really helped me there.

Challenge Goal #3:

Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 2/4

I went to Scouts last night (major YAY!!!) and am going to the troop cookout on Sunday, and have prepared a plan for troop committee training for the adults. I am going to spend 30 minutes with my L1's today (I caught up with some of the Druids yesterday.)

Challenge Goal #4:

Learn something new: (yoga breathing and meditations) 1/7

I did this on Monday, but not Tuesday. I really need to put more focus here, it's very much an afterthought, rather than a "make the time to do this" activity, and I don't like that.

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You're doing good with your activities with the Scouts!  Keep on keepin' on :)  I don't know if this may work for you, but maybe you can morph your time-outs into meditation or short yoga times to lessen your "make the time to do this" feelings?

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Bekah!

Having read through the past couple of pages I can see that you are really struggling and that are quite a few things that are not so easy to fix.

Choosing to focus on what I do have experience from I need to say that you really ARE a very supportive and understanding person here. I realize that it is different from the "real" world - but is it as different as we think? Part of what you are experiencing is enhanced by you being a bit down at the moment if I understand you correctly. Remember what you CAN do - when you feel all your inadequacies.

Hugs!

E

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hey... been looking at a buncha crazy flooding and crapola down your way and I can' tremember EXACTLY where ya are... wanted to see if everything was cool?!

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hey... been looking at a buncha crazy flooding and crapola down your way and I can' tremember EXACTLY where ya are... wanted to see if everything was cool?!

my initial response: Flooding??? so yeah, we are fine ;)

Ty for asking.

I sat down today and did Abby's lessons with her, in the voice of the crazy scientist from Phineas and Ferb...and we got 3 science lessons done, in 2 hours :D Yesterday was BAD, today has been great :)

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Week 3 Day 4 Recap

Challenge Goal #1: 
Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 0/5
This week's focus is the living and dining room. Did absolutely nothing, but it has been a VERY rough week for the girl with school, so I have had NO time to do anything other than deal with her school issues and try not to have total meltdowns. 

Challenge Goal #2:
Quiet Time: (reading and using my earplugs and taking time outs when I need them) 4/7
There weren't enough hours in the day for quiet time the last few days, I needed sooooo much more than I got. But I did what I could when I could. and I didn't murder anyone...so that's a plus. 


Challenge Goal #3: 
Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 4/4
I am here now for my last Ambassador duties for the week. I worked on some stuff for HOoRAY and helped Abby not lose her mind after a very difficult week, soooo that counts in my book. 

Challenge Goal #4: 
Learn something new: (yoga breathing and meditations) 3/7
I LOVE what Nirvi (I think it was her...my memory is shit) said about making my breathing and yoga time part of my quiet time, and that makes SO much sense...and yet I have never even considered it. However, I am planning to buy a calming CD tonight after I am done here, and put it on my Ipod just for that purpose. 

 

Abby had a really good thing happen on Tuesday, yet the aftermath is not so easy to deal with, and that combined with her school stress has just made her a total basketcase all week, and its been really hard watching her struggle with all that, knowing that I can do NOTHING to change it or make it better...but then today I changed how we are doing school, and it was a WONDERFUL change, and that was great, but the other stuff is still there and still icky and just never lets up...and it wears me down too, as a mom, yanno? and my dreams are not helping. I don't know why there are some things that just hold on like glue, even if its just in your subconscious. Oh well, turn shit into sugar right? right. 

Overall, things are good and I love the direction its going, and the stress with the kids that I was having 6 months ago, is almost non-existent now, I dont have to yell or scream or fight with them almost at all, and THAT is nothing short of a miracle. J got an 89.6% for his final grade in his class this semester, which is crappy bc its soooo close to an A, but I am really proud of him. JJ is doing amazing in school (he actually started turning in homework...LOL! Went from D's to A's) and is auditioning for the Youth Orchestra next week, and we had a breakthrough with Abby's school today and got her caught up, and her grades are good too (from F's to B's) and even though I am a total whiny ass, things are pretty damn good considering what they have been. Its kind of nice to only bitch about being overwhelmed by the noise and the smells and shit...lol. 

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heh.... all our schools here went to this weird not 10 point scale... so a 94% is a b...

 

what is it with teenage girls and their basketcasedness?!?!?!?

 

 

 

 

as corny as it may sound... the sun will come out tomorrow... maybe not TOMORROW tomorrow.... but one of the upcoming tomorrows :)

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Jen, you have made the entire musical of Annie go off like a bomb. Thanks for the ear worm! :)

As for seniors, I think there is something to be said for sending certain students off to junior college, a program that goes from junior year in HS through sophomore year of college. Sometimes they are ready to leave the nest at 15.I know that I was.

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All in all, it sounds like you've come a long way. That's a cheering thought if you consider that you have a long way to go.

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So wonderful to hear things are finally moving in a positive direction.  I will keep good thoughts and sparkling happy dreams heading your way.  Take a few moments and bask in the victories, for they have been hard won and reflect a deep sense of commitment.   (and you thought you didn't contribute very much to the family... pchhhh.)  Look at how much you did!

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Week 3 Goal Summary
 

Challenge Goal #1: 
Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 0/5
This week's focus is the living and dining room. I did a whole week's worth of stuff on Saturday, cleaning out a place for the girl to have a desk for school till we get her bedroom ready. So yeah, pulled this one out, at least in practicality, the sprit is a little everyday, and so I still failed. 

Challenge Goal #2:
Quiet Time: (reading and using my earplugs and taking time outs when I need them) 5/7
This went well :) 


Challenge Goal #3: 
Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 4/4
I ROCKED this, this week. I did my Ambassador duties, took over leadership of the HOoRAY thread and did a Scout cookout on Sunday and went to the meeting. 

Challenge Goal #4: 
Learn something new: (yoga breathing and meditations) 6/7

I did my breathing and meditation most days, although I have found, that I need more than one day on some of the meditations because I have a lot of thoughts to sort through and can't get it all figured out in one 15 minute stretch. 

 

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