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Bekah

Bekah's Step Seven: Aren't Princesses supposed to DO something????

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Oh Bekah! That's such great news! I'm so happy to read all of that, it's made my day! I'm a bit stuck for words just now, but know that I'm doing a "happy dance" all around the room after reading that. Biggest *hugs!!!!*

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WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Awesome days, darling!

Paint pics definitely. Are the closet doors in the hall going to be different shades of the same color? Hummmm.

Have absolute fun with it.

I love to run, damn it!

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WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Awesome days, darling!

Paint pics definitely. Are the closet doors in the hall going to be different shades of the same color? Hummmm.

Have absolute fun with it.

I love to run, damn it!

nope, the doors in the hallway are going to be 6 different colors. Our bedroom is going to be Green, the boy's door is going to be Red, and the girl can pick her color and then I will do the remaining 3 (2 closets and the bathroom door) whatever I want that looks good. 

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Am I really just a drama queen and don't realize it? Things were just going too well, so let's just amp up the body hatred again...hmmm? wtf?!?! I was all proud bc I am gaining weight like mad, but hadn't been being super obssessive about it and just trying to love my body for what it is. Then I think to myself "you are a fat useless piece of flesh that no one will ever really love, they just are with you bc they dont think they deserve better and you wont ever have anyone else in your life"

and it makes me sad that I really feel that way about myself, and I know I'm supposed to not believe that shit, and somewhere inside me I know it's not true, but I see all these pretty girls with their amazing personalities and social skills and jobs...and I want to have that too, and have someone in my life who has that, but I know that to have that...I have to like myself and be confident and work hard on improving my body and losing weight and all the reasons to be here at NF, and I just cry instead. I know I can lose the weight, I know I can get in shape, But instead of doing the things that would take, I complain about being too tired, and do nothing. I am seriously exhausted every day lately, and I don't know why, but I thought I would be past this level of post surgery recovery tired by now.

I could do some yoga asanas, even just for 2 minutes, but I dont, and it makes me sad and angry at myself that I am choosing to have a pity party rather than do something to change the things im whining about.

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*hugs*  Do one thing.  One.  You know you can and you want to. 

 

This.  Start with one thing.  Focus on how good you felt on the weekend?

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Hey... I seem to remember you got something in the mail a while ago with a message on it for you... go find it I'll wait

hums jeopardy tune>

Ok...do you read what it says?

You got this

We got you

Pick one thing.... do one thing today... and remember you are awesome and loved and beautiful and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or trying to sell you something

(sent by the phone. .. all mistakes are the phones fault)

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^^^^Yeah, everything Jenn just said.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been there, I've felt like that and I'm very glad to have moved on and be in a place where I don't have to deal with all of that swirling around in my head. Coz that's no fun, AT ALL!

The big thing for me, was learning to change my mindset.... It's not all about where you are right now, this is just a stopover on your path to super-epic awesomeness and you have to try and learn to take pride in your journey, not just the final destination.

You should really give yourself a break on the exercise thing right now. Remember just how long it takes to recover from surgery, it's not surprising that you're not back to full strength yet. You will get there, and you will feel better about yourself, but only if you can let go of the feeling that you're somehow failing by not being there yet.

*biggest hugs*

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Week 5 Recap: It was week 5 right?? 

 

Challenge Goal #1: 
Cleaning, Organizing and Decorating: (Flylady) 5/5

 

I have actually been doing a LOT with this recently. I narrowed down the paint colors again! LOVE the blue that I picked, and had to go back for several other greens, but have narrowed it down to 2....now just to leave them up there and see how it looks. I also was able to pack up the clutter out of several pieces of furniture in the house this week, and that feels SOOOOOO good :) To know that next weekend, this furniture is going to be moved out of here, and the girl may FINALLY have a bedroom by the end of May :D I need some serious storage solutions for my bedroom though. I think its just me and J combined have much too much shit for one room. I had no trouble keeping the apartment organized with my stuff, but can't even organize half of that in this room, and with every other room full of clutter from grandma's shit, I have no place to put things like bookshelves and extra towels and my crafty stuff. 

 

Challenge Goal #2:
Quiet Time: (meditations and reading and using my earplugs) 4/7

 

I have definitely started doing these more often, and they help. I did that one meditation a couple of weeks back, and got that Ocean Sounds CD  and just put in my earplugs and it was great! I needed a day away from the kids, and never really got it, but I did get to go to the Riverwalk with the girl and finally just told her to leave me alone after a while, because i really wanted to go by my damn self, but felt bad leaving her at home alone. I need a kid free break, but I don't get one at all now that she is homeschooled. It feels like Im a SAHM mom to toddlers again, except they are louder and more irritating and I am dreaming of the day when they can go to daycare! LOL! 

Challenge Goal #3: 
Helping People: (ambassador duties 30 min 3x week, Scouts on Tuesdays + extra stuff if needed) 0/4

 

I didn't do ANYTHING with either of these this week :(

 

Challenge Goal #4: 
Learn something new: (yoga breathing) 1/7

I have been failing at this. It ties in perfectly with my quiet time and meditation, but since I haven't been meditating much this week, I haven't been breathing much either. 

 

The GOOD news is that I did some yoga this morning, just a few forward bends and a couple of cat pose and some bound angle and pigeons, and OH MY LORD my hips got tight...like wtf???? Pre surgery I could do a wide angle seated forward bend (think pancake for you non yogis) and now I can't even bend more than a few inches  :sorrow:  :sorrow: and THIS is why I have been putting it off, because I knew that it would be this bad...but it makes you humble, right? I am back at square one, can barely do a forward fold anymore and my body is just like stiff and icky, and no wonder I'm such a grouch, based on how my body is so icky feeling!!! 

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Aaah, that's frustrating about being not flexible any more. But! You know you can do it, because you've been there before!

 

Edited to add: I just stretched for the first time in more than a week and aaaaaaaaah that was awful. Bleh! Sympathy for you.

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Aaah, that's frustrating about being not flexible any more. But! You know you can do it, because you've been there before!

 

Edited to add: I just stretched for the first time in more than a week and aaaaaaaaah that was awful. Bleh! Sympathy for you.

hugs! Why do we put it off, we KNOW its good for us...and our bodies dont like us if we don't do it.

Is that just a yoga thing, where you KNOW your body is saying "PLEASE STRETCH, PLEASE!!!" and you just FEEL the icky from not doing it, do other people not notice that? 

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I think for me it's from sitting on my butt for a week because I injured my ankle last Sunday thing, and not having really moved at all after getting into the habit of working out and stretching pretty regularly. I think I've been feeling icky the last couple of days because I haven't had the endorphin release from moving around that I get from working out and then stretching. So yeah, I bet other people don't notice it if they aren't regularly active, like how people who give up wheat/gluten really notice it if they cheat and eat a pastry. That's my theory!

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How is your ankle? was it you that was asking me about the WoT series and books 11-14 being better than 9 & 10?

Whomever that was, please say something, bc I want to tell you my 2 cents but cant remember who to tell! lolololol

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I'm the same way with running Bekah... I'm choosing to think of it as an opportunity to get all new pr's... rather than a complete setback and staying at square zero

(sent by the phone. .. all mistakes are the phones fault)

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The color has been selected...now to get another sample and put it on the wall. Bonus: The paint color is named "Tossed Salad" :P (and I clearly missed a spot when applying the primer!! LOL!)

imagejpg1_zps1f4963f3.jpg

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Big meditation "ah ha" today. 

I realized that meditation is a sort of intentional dissociation, but only to the degree that you can choose to ignore or engage in your surroundings, so in between what typical post trauma dissociation would be, but not fully present and engaged either. yes? no? It would be like watching life like its a movie, and choosing to just watch, or be in the movie itself, and meditation is somewhere between the two, you have bits in the movie, but you just watch sometimes too. (Im talking about living in a meditative state, not just a small portion of daily meditation time) 

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I think I get what you're saying. For me, when I've meditated, it's like I'm stepping back away from things... or maybe it's finding myself deeper in the present. All my thoughts and all my emotions feel like they have a glass wall between them, and it's like I can observe them. I wouldn't think of it in terms of trauma so much as I would think of it as learning to observe oneself and to see where your motivations come from and what you choose to do with them.

 

It's one of the reasons I'm confident when I tell people I'm an awful person. ^_^;

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Big meditation "ah ha" today. 

I realized that meditation is a sort of intentional dissociation, but only to the degree that you can choose to ignore or engage in your surroundings, so in between what typical post trauma dissociation would be, but not fully present and engaged either. yes? no? It would be like watching life like its a movie, and choosing to just watch, or be in the movie itself, and meditation is somewhere between the two, you have bits in the movie, but you just watch sometimes too. (Im talking about living in a meditative state, not just a small portion of daily meditation time) 

 

45822-My-whole-brain-just-went-what-h0eo

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Ok kids

I'm on vacation and part of that is being purposefully internet free, soooo don't go crazy without me!!! Be back Momday night! :wub:

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