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Nurturing the part of me that didn't want to die -Fearkiller


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This turned out maybe too honest. A fair warning:

I personally think you should read this as an adult, and then decide if it is okay for your kid to

think of such. Concerns dark and sad emotions and suicidal feelings. -Thank you

 

18. I am alive! I didn't kill myself! Whenever something beautiful happens,

I think back to the times I thought I would kill myself,

and I think "I wouldn't be here doing anything if I had"

 

Lately, that mental bullsh*t started giving me trouble again. 

 After one extremely bad "not-any-kind-of-beautiful-thoughts" day,

I am seeing professional help. On a rational level I mostly know what is causing it

(depression, addiction, loneliness, low self-esteem like glass and a general "why the **** bother?" with life),

but it is a royal mess to start making life easier.

 

Tried to tidy up the challenge to save people from the hurt.

Well, seems with this kind of subject, I can't tidy it up enough.

 

PM me, if you want a rougher account, I will gladly give it,

but I am not comfortable with the idea of making it public.

 

Main goal: Although I feel sometimes like suicide is a good option,

I am afraid of death. I don't want to die.

 

The small steps of beautiful things:

 

Escapism is not a depression medicine

1) 2 hours of homework day, and no gaming/books before that.

2 hours is less than I'd need to solve the huge backlog accumulated,

but as I currently do next to zero, that'd be a good step up.

 

Love, human connection and beautiful things

2) I know I need close people, and just a normal conversation with someone makes me feel better,

but I do not know how. I have spent so long alone, I find it hard to reach for people, especially strangers.

Despite family and two good friends, (sometimes) I feel terribly lonely.

 

3) Look on the positive Due to depression and my self esteem feeling like glass, if something happens

(I fail at something, break stuff, can't hit a deadline) I have a tendency for spiraling thoughts of negativity

that go on and on, and I tend just listen to that little voice that tells me I am worthless (and worse...). On the worst

times I really believe that lil' bastard. I am going to take active part in the Honorable Order of Rebellious Appraising Yeomen and Love Your Body and Food. To have a defence for the horrible days. 

 

3) Finding thing that bring me joy

Lately not even PC games or reading has brought me much joy, other things even less or not at all.

I just do those to have something, to have bubble that shields from the boring real world. See #1 But then again,

sometimes the little things, like walking in the sun, or drinking warm chocolate are fun. 

But I still can smile and laugh, and enjoy things. Finding more of those.

 

Right now, I would rather feel pain than nothing at all, because of the chance of life.

 

-Yours, Fearkiller

 

 

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Hi Fearkiller!

 

You're on a tough road.  I've been on parts of it, and I know even that was tough, so while I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel, I know that it feels hard beyond your capabilities.  If you'd like to talk you're welcome to message me -- I'm not always on, but you can be sure that when I am I'll take the time to respond.  Don't feel like you have to censor yourself for it, either.  Tell me whatever you want; it's not going to rock my world.

 

I've been finding my way off my dark road for about 9 years now.  Maybe ten.  It gets better, it really does.  Take it one second at a time; there is life at the end of the tunnel.  Promise.

  • Like 1

Hiraedd the Twice Risen:

Hamadryad; Pilgrim

battle log

 

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*hugs*

 

I am here if you ever need a friend.

 

Your goals should help.  Make sure you come see us regularly.

 

M x

  • Like 1

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

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Addiction is a shitty thing - I sure know spending the whole day on the computer and on the internet isn't making me any better, but physically tired and mentally exhausted.

And skipping school lessons because of it is even worse. This has even cut my sleep a little, and that's not helping any.

 

Yet I know it is not a reason, but a by product and I am aware of that I am just avoiding the hard stuff -school, people, etc.

But escaping those things just amplify them. Yet it is too ****ing comfortable. ... Extreme frustration. The worst here is that

I cannot see a strong enough reason to stop and just really do not even want to. Yet the decision and will has to come from within.

 

Still the silver lining is that it is not, and never will be actual hard drugs like alcohol or cocaine.

 

Gods that it helped to just get that out.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Yep, willpower has to come from within.   :nightmare:

 

But it WILL come!  When the time is ready.

 

M x

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

Link to post

Yesterday, I didn't go to one of the lessons because of the computer, and the subject was not something I would look forward to.

Didn't go to the other lesson of the day, because I was afraid of the reactions as I hadn't done much for the group project work.

... And because I was lazy and took the easy way.

 

However, on a brighter note, I went for a walk on the forest instead of the other lesson (damn fine weather) and that was great.

I then bumbed into other of my two friends, and we spent an afternoon doing things together - for me that is more important than

any academic success!

 

I am going to continue the '1000 cuts fitness program' from zenhabits

(ripped from the previous challenge):

 

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

Just some random time outside helped me, so this should ensure some kind basic of movement level.

And it's that what the escapism is doesn't really matter, as long I get away alone, so it as well could be

something healthy and useful.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Annoying, that what I think: haven't done enough, I am not good enough - of a friend, student, big brother, what have you...

is not what really is or what others think. There is a difference in my objectivity of thinking

(ie. my thoughts are mostly coloured towards darker) and what there really is.

Because if they or you or anyone tells me that I am good enough, beautiful, nice person,

I mostly can't think so myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate very much the tone of your voice,

and that someone cares. Blagh, all syrup-sugary :tongue:

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Went outside on a local jogging track, and hugged some trees.

One of them was kind and warm, the other one like 'well if you must, hug then'.

Interesting tree personalities.

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I always find that being alone outside helps me clear my headspace.  Sometimes I just drive out of the city for that purpose; finding unorganized nature.  Take it one day at a time, Fearkiller.  You'll sort it :)

 

I always enjoy collecting new native expressions from a foreign language. Great! 

 

What's the secret for one day at a time? Even if I think "okay, just do this and get through this day" there's always the next day coming, with all the new things and shit to do... And the next... Again. And again. And again. They just never stop coming. Sound principle, though.

 

Youre-Special.gif

You can get through this! *hugs*

 

Nice pic! Hmm, going to think what there's something in me that no one else has.

 

*hugs*

 

I am here if you ever need a friend.

 

Your goals should help.  Make sure you come see us regularly.

 

M x

 

And hugs! Yay! I'm a big fan of those.

 

Maybe if I hug enough people here in Finland, and urge them to pass it on,

could it at some point travel back to you? Worth a shot at any rate.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

And push ups and planks and doing things help an itty-bitty little with feelings of self-hatred.

 

Gotta make a huge heap of them then.

 

Then again I know worth based on achieving material things 

break the moment I reason-or-another can't do them,

but if I can remember the mental part behind them

it could work.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Oooo Finland!  Hei ystävä!

 

One of my best friends lives in Turku.  Also my favourite band are Finnish (The Rasmus)! 

 

Whereabouts are you from?

 

M x

  • Like 1

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

Link to post

Oooo Finland!  Hei ystävä!

 

One of my best friends lives in Turku.  Also my favourite band are Finnish (The Rasmus)! 

 

Whereabouts are you from?

 

M x

 

Moi!

Puhutko suomea? Haluatko harjoitella joskus? / Do you speak Finnish? Want to practice sometimes?

I'm born and living in Middle Finland, Kajaani.

Hearing Finnish suddenly in an unexpected turn is happy.

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

What's the secret for one day at a time? Even if I think "okay, just do this and get through this day" there's always the next day coming, with all the new things and shit to do... And the next... Again. And again. And again. They just never stop coming. Sound principle, though.

 

Hmm...the secret as far as I've found it is that every time you think about something for the next day, or beyond, you just say "going to think about something else" and push it away.  Refuse to let yourself go down that trail.  And keep doing that as many times as it comes up.  If it's extremely difficult then sometimes changing activities (getting up and doing something), putting on music (for me it interferes with thinking), or doing something small off my list for the current day (get out of bed; eat a meal; wash a load of clothes) reduces the anxiety enough to make it possible to handle.  Sometimes I even write down the things that are bothering me about the future, and then I tell myself "you don't need to remember it, it's written down" whenever I think of it.

  • Like 1

Hiraedd the Twice Risen:

Hamadryad; Pilgrim

battle log

 

Link to post

Moi!

Puhutko suomea? Haluatko harjoitella joskus? / Do you speak Finnish? Want to practice sometimes?

I'm born and living in Middle Finland, Kajaani.

Hearing Finnish suddenly in an unexpected turn is happy.

 

Toivotan!  I know a few phrases and I have a great dictionary!

 

I have tried learning but am not very good.  It is such a beautiful language on the ear.  So hard to master tho!  My friend laughs at me a lot.   :redface-new:

 

I wish I was good at languages.  The fact that you guys can speak / write a second language so well is impressive.

 

M x

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

Link to post

Just a beautiful Finnish song that's given me some hope.

And if you can't understand what's it about, doesn't matter - I don't understand half the things I love :)

 

The thousand cuts this far (at least what I've remembered to write down)

 

- A lot of walking, averaging over 10000 steps daily

 

18.4 1x10 push-ups, one minute plank, one pull up, one chin up

19.4 10 push-ups

20.4 2x10 leg raises

21.4 ?

Today two pull ups, two chin ups

 

It's something - not doing anything visible,

but keeping laziness and slowness at bay

 

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?â€

-RuPaul Charles

 

Haven't getting much to HOoRAY and LyBaF, because I do not like myself maybe even hate,

and I don't see much positive in myself, only in external things, like "woo, it doesn't rain"

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Just a beautiful Finnish song that's given me some hope.

And if you can't understand what's it about, doesn't matter - I don't understand half the things I love :)

 

The thousand cuts this far (at least what I've remembered to write down)

 

- A lot of walking, averaging over 10000 steps daily

 

18.4 1x10 push-ups, one minute plank, one pull up, one chin up

19.4 10 push-ups

20.4 2x10 leg raises

21.4 ?

Today two pull ups, two chin ups

 

It's something - not doing anything visible,

but keeping laziness and slowness at bay

 

“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?â€

-RuPaul Charles

 

Haven't getting much to HOoRAY and LyBaF, because I do not like myself maybe even hate,

and I don't see much positive in myself, only in external things, like "woo, it doesn't rain"

uhm, doing push ups and pull ups and coming here and laughing and smiling when you feel such aa deep sadness, speaks volumes about your strength and your character and is VERY much a HOoRAY worthy thing, and the push ups are a body love, and the food...well, what did you eat that you loved recently, or a struggle with eating that you resisted somehow?

You have lots you can post there *hugs*

Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid Ambassador :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

Spoiler

 

Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up" -Mark Twain

 

So, yesterday I spent 10-15 minutes cleaning glass shards from the pavement.

And that simple act felt good, thinking I maybe saved a dog from a paw injury.

 

What else helping would there be?

 

1000 cuts:

24.5 8 push-ups, 2xpull ups, 2xchin ups

25.5 running a distance that would've taken 5 minutes to walk in 2 minutes

 

Doing homework hasn't gone well, hoping to make up for it in the weekend.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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WOW!  10,000 steps a day and 2 pull ups?  That is awesome!  Good for you!!!  I wish I could do those things!

 

And good job finding things to be happy about in external things -- it's a great start. :)

It is!

 

Where I live, we have been having almost two solid weeks of spring wheather sunshine, clear blue skies and more sunshine :)

 

uhm, doing push ups and pull ups and coming here and laughing and smiling when you feel such aa deep sadness, speaks volumes about your strength and your character and is VERY much a HOoRAY worthy thing, and the push ups are a body love, and the food...well, what did you eat that you loved recently, or a struggle with eating that you resisted somehow?

You have lots you can post there *hugs*

I am too close to myself to see it, I will try to look things from another angle, so maybe I could come to the same conclusion.

 

In the meantime I will go to post to LyBaF after writing this post.

 

1000 cuts:

25.4 didn't write anything up, maybe did something, maybe didn't, can't remember

26.4 Running up one very steep hill, and then, as I was already sweaty, this:

 

100 jumping jacks, 10 burpees with push-ups, 25 leg raises,

70 second plank, 10 burpees without push-ups, 50 jumping jacks,

10 push-ups, 10 step ups each leg.

 

27.4 A few short streches

 

Doing homework hasn't gone well, hoping to make up for it in the weekend.

Didn't do much, fell for the distractions again.

 

But, then again, I read Leo Babautas (free)

The Little Book of Contentment http://zenhabits.net/little-book/

that was about contentment, and all that we do in our minds that's making us feel bad.

 

There were many wise things that I am taking a heed from.

A lot of them are simple things that we seldom realize, but are true when said out loud.

But oh so hard to really do.

 

This is a summary from the end of the book. While it misses a lot of the deeper ideas,

it gives you a good overview without reading it all. Definitely worth a shot (100 pages),

and if you happen not to like it, it doesn't matter - you still learn a lot.

 

The Skills of Contentment

So what are the skills of contentment? We’ve gone over

them throughout this book, but to summarize, they are:

 

1. Awareness. Notice when you’re making comparisons,

when you have ideals and fantasies and expectations, when

they are making you less content and causing pain.

 

2. Acceptance. Don’t beat yourself up about it, and accept

that this process is happening. It’s part of life. Accept it, and

face it, and find the appropriate, non-emotional response.

 

3. Letting go of comparisons. When you notice the

comparisons, accept that you’ve made them, but realize that

they are hurting you, and that they are completely

unnecessary. You can let go of them, and be perfectly fine.

 

4. Compassion. Compassion for yourself — this is how you

let go of the ideals and comparisons. They are hurting you,

making you less happy, and so it’s a compassionate act to let

go of them. Let them be.

 

5. Appreciation. Instead of comparing and holding onto

ideals, focus instead on appreciating what you have, who

you’re with, what you’re doing, and who you are. Find the

good in each thing, including in yourself.

 

6. Loving yourself, and everything else too. Once

you’ve found the good to appreciate, in yourself or

anything/anybody around you, learn to love it. This is the

beauty of life, and it is incredible.

 

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

You know those automatic, bad thought behaviours that we do - when we think we think, but not really and openly?

I have lately been able to shed light onto some more of those:

 

- I have a tendency to disregard good advice just because my ego is in the way and I didn't realize something myself,

or I don't happen to like the person giving the advice

 

- Stubbornly holding to the same thoughts over and over because I think I am right, and don't really bother to think from an

another persceptive

 

- Or again, falling to the same rut of thought because it is comfortable, familiar and feels good,

offering an excuse - a part of bad and negative thoughts I dwell on is that I've done that so damn long,

it's so familiar, comfortable and easy to go back, and giving an excuse not to do things (not proud of that one...).

 

1000 Cuts:

28.4 Running up a longer, less steep uphill, and up a few stairs,

2 plyometric box jumps over things that were on the way,

29.4 3 pull ups, 3 chin ups

30.4 25 leg raises, 10 step ups each leg

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Fantastic, Fearkiller.  That introspection is important.

 

Yesterday I realized that I pull back when I get overwhelmed by everything that needs done and spend time reading books because I need the extra time and space to cope.  I always thought it was a way I failed at life, and I resented that I couldn't just push through.  But recognizing it as a coping mechanism helps me not hate myself for doing it, and realize that I can start to work on finding another coping mechanism later if I don't like the one have.

  • Like 1

Hiraedd the Twice Risen:

Hamadryad; Pilgrim

battle log

 

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Fantastic, Fearkiller.  That introspection is important.

 

Yesterday I realized that I pull back when I get overwhelmed by everything that needs done and spend time reading books because I need the extra time and space to cope.  I always thought it was a way I failed at life, and I resented that I couldn't just push through.  But recognizing it as a coping mechanism helps me not hate myself for doing it, and realize that I can start to work on finding another coping mechanism later if I don't like the one have.

Quite spot on what's happening here.

 

3.5 70 second plank

4.5 11 push ups

 

(Probably related) thoughts:

 

The problem is that I want everything to be smooth, nice and go as I want it to.

Life or other people doesn't work that way,

but I don't have energy for something that doesn't work according to my whims.

 

And that urge to curl up into a ball and give up

is very powerful. Somehow I don't can't hold up the hope

that all the effort it would need to fix all the things would be worth it.

 

One step. Then another. And another. Not caring about all those I've already taken,

or those that I must take. Just this one step.

(It's much shorter mantra in my thoughts)

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

So, I can do the schoolwork I need to and put off those I can't, no problem.

I can get a practical training place at the University of applied sciences library

- nothing fancy, probably no pay, but it gets the job done.

I can apologise that I didn't get as much projectwork in as I should've

 

So, it has been like this before: there comes something that crashes me

(a good dose of failure, loneliness, stress from school, hits to self esteem),

usually several of those things hitting from a good angle and getting me off balance,

there's a big dump of nasty (though the current one is bigger than before), I scramble over it somehow...

 

Things go relatively well for a while, usually 1-2 months, and there comes something else.

 

I am afraid of the next hit.

 

1000 cuts

5.5 ??

6.5 ??

7.5 3 pull ups, 3 chin ups, 2 chin ups

8.5 7 lunges each leg, 10 lunges each leg (few of them knee touching the ground, but still)

2 short sprints, 70 second plank, practiced some biking, as hoping to learn that eventually

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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