Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Artinum]

In England, it's generally less common for people to talk to strangers. We tend to mind each other's business (perhaps the result of living in a fairly small area compared to America?) which may be very good or very bad - depending on your viewpoint. On the one hand, not many people will disturb you. On the other hand, you may not speak to anyone unless you make an effort!

[Machete]

People think I'm a snob because I always forget to make eye contact with waitresses.

 

"I never look the help in the eye."

[fleaball]

I feel ya. I never approach people... too terrifying. I wait until someone approaches me/initiates conversation, and even then they need to be incredibly persistent for me to believe they may actually want to get to know me. It's such a weird way of thinking, and a total set up for social isolation. It's cool to hear that despite your shyness you've studied abroad and are headed to England for grad school... takes guts!

Ugh, yes. "I'm sorry, you want to talk to me why?" And I'm clearly a weirdo; despite the shyness/anxiety/general loathing of people, it's never even occured to me to be anxious about traveling. If only I could get that to translate to other things.

 

I am trying to force myself to talk to people more. One problem I have is that I feel like if I look at a person long enough to think of something to say, I'll come off as creepy. It's like I'm not entirely sure how to do it naturally so I second guess myself, probably to the point of being too cautious.

I have a hard time with sales clerks because I generally know exactly what I want so I don't need assistance. When one tries to talk to me I always think they are going for an upsell and I start to get anxious about how I'll say no and they'll probably push and then I'll have to say no again and oh no what if they push again. I go straight to the worst case scenario in my head.

If they get too pushy you could always try "I'm sorry, I know it's your job to sell things but I really don't need anything else." ? I've had luck with that one. Not really rude but it gets the point across.

 

In England, it's generally less common for people to talk to strangers. We tend to mind each other's business (perhaps the result of living in a fairly small area compared to America?) which may be very good or very bad - depending on your viewpoint. On the one hand, not many people will disturb you. On the other hand, you may not speak to anyone unless you make an effort!

Ahhhhh double-edged sword! Gonna be an interesting ride...

[Zorch]

I'm a pretty serious introvert, and during my time in college I was formally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.  Labels being what they are, it's really just some point on a continuum of (dis)comfort levels with various social situations - but suffice it to say I'm worse at navigating said situations than the general population.  While I've gotten better over the subsequent 10 years, there are still particular situations that I find challenging - most prominently when I'm forced to deal with a new set of people in relatively close proximity, such as what happens as a result of organizational shifts at work.

 

Side note - getting in better shape definitely helped me out here, in terms of helping my confidence and consequentially (partially) taming the anxiety - perhaps moreso in non-work situations than at work.

 

Somehow I've survived ~10 years working in retail/customer service. What really kills me is forging actual relationships. I don't approach people. I studied abroad a few times as an undergrad and at each orientation I pretty much sat and waited for people to come talk to me, or if I'd seen someone talking to someone else I assumed they were already friends and didn't need to be friends with me. Or something. It makes zero sense.

 

I think this is true(to an extent) of myself, as well.  I remember when I was a child I had several very close friends who all moved away over a period of a couple years.  Since then I've been the sort of person who has been very slow to trust - which has led to an odd sort of dichotomy in my life - I'm relatively at ease when interacting with strangers/casual acquaintances - I'm not a natural at it, but I can "script" most of the banter that's expected in these situations.  I'm also in a comfort zone with family/relatives as well as my girlfriend - there's a great deal of accumulated trust there and I don't worry(much) about filtering myself, and the interactions there are genuine and organic.  It's the in-between areas where I have trouble - co-workers with whom I interact regularly as well as potential friends, where I regularly find myself on edge, and constantly checking what I'm saying, worrying about saying something that may be interpreted the wrong way.  Particularly stressful for me is any kind of organizational change at work(this has happened multiple times over the past year) - due to my aforementioned nature of being slow to trust, it takes me a while to become comfortable with a new group of people, until I've spent enough time around them to understand their nature, motivations, and how they are likely to react in certain situations.

[BalianIronguard]

One of the things that's helped me with the eye contact aspect is imagining a triangle on the person's face with the top point being on the forehead and the two bottom points on each cheek. If you keep your eyesight inside the triangle, you can approximate where you should be.

[Artinum]

Yes, I still struggle with eye contact. I'm okay as long as I remember to make eye contact, but my natural tendency is to look away. I think my generally upbeat and bubbly persona (which took a long time to create, I admit) tends to distract people from the fact I'm not looking at them. Plus they're usually talking to me about something and I often look at that instead!

 

I summon forth the Nerdy Godmother to bestow wishes. What still causes us problems that we'd like her to magic away?

 

For me, it would probably be the way, when I'm suddenly on the spot, I lose the capacity to speak and weeble blurble splurb.

[MalleusMaleficarum]

My problem is less that I have social anxiety and more that I despise normals.

 

I don't want to see them, hear anything they have to say or be around them for any length of time.

 

 

I can understand the feeling, but it's a little ironic to me that normal people are such a source of social anxiety for many - in my eyes normals are obnoxious, annoying, inarticulate and inconsiderate. They sound really stupid when they try to talk. If anything I should give them social anxiety and not the other way around.

[Machete]

I, personally, do not hate the player; I hate the game.

[Phytomancer]

I am one of those very social persons quiet people found annoying. You'll see me in a train smiling in your eyes, giving you a handshake in a conference, asking your topic of interest on a train ride, and marching on your quiet time in a park like a girl scout on desperate cookie mission. You know at least a person like this.

 

Guess what, in some definition, I am an introvert too. (In some, I am not.)

 

I enjoy having company, but it is very exhausting. Even hanging out with best friends (or even my family members) can be very energy-consuming. However, it has become my survival skill to be this happy little puppy. So I grin and I charge on.

 

 

 

Yes, I still struggle with eye contact. I'm okay as long as I remember to make eye contact, but my natural tendency is to look away. I think my generally upbeat and bubbly persona (which took a long time to create, I admit) tends to distract people from the fact I'm not looking at them. Plus they're usually talking to me about something and I often look at that instead!

 

I used to have the same problem. The very old tradition of my culture (now non-existent) said that eye contact was rude and aggressive. I was trained like that by older teachers in the country sides since childhood. My instinct becomes to look at something else instead. (It's usually their breasts, since their are always there when I look down and they grab my attention-- thanks, teachers and biology for the best combination of awkwardness ever.)

 

The trick for me is to try to sketch out their eyes in my mind and consider how I would draw, paint, or turn them into cartoon characters. Eyes are fascinating. Some people have eyes that change colors with light-- like my adviser. His eyes was normally a very faded gray under heavy eyelids, but hitting the light right and it turns fascinatingly electric blue. My roommate has this pair of deep amber eyes that turns into honey in a morning sun. My colleague has the eyes the color of chestnut. They are rusty orange in the evening light and they tilt up at the corners.

 

It's fun to look at people in the eye. They're not a door to people's souls. They are just pretty-- a state of the art. 

 

 

 

I can understand the feeling, but it's a little ironic to me that normal people are such a source of social anxiety for many - in my eyes normals are obnoxious, annoying, inarticulate and inconsiderate. They sound really stupid when they try to talk. If anything I should give them social anxiety and not the other way around.

 

  I understand where you're coming from. But everyone is a deviation from the norm. There are always some invisible war we are battling against. Some problems are more obvious, but some runs deep and rear its ugly head only in the owner's mind. There are always aspects make you above average as well.

 

Wow, look how chatty I am. I talk to much. This is an introvert meeting. Okay. I will be quiet. For another five minutes.   

[BalianIronguard]

Hmm... Things I'd like to magic away... Crippling self doubt when trying to initiate a relationship that I want to be romantic. The talking to people thing I'm managing, it's the "wanting a relationship" thing that's still the issue.

[fleaball]

Yeah, I'd like the Nerdy Godmother to make relationships less complicated, please and thank you. How the hell am I supposed to know what you mean when there are 27 definitions for "hooking up" plus people can be talking/dating/going out and those can all mean the same thing or different things. D: I've never actually been in a relationship so all I have to go on is books/TV/movies and I'm only slightly terrified. 

[Machete]

Inside Every Introvert Is...an Extrovert

[Silo]

Interesting that while being charismatic is defended as not being a characteristic solely of extroverts, the title of the article enforces the idea that it is just that.

[Machete]

It's all about faking it.

[Phytomancer]

Hmm... Things I'd like to magic away... Crippling self doubt when trying to initiate a relationship that I want to be romantic. The talking to people thing I'm managing, it's the "wanting a relationship" thing that's still the issue.

 

That. I also have that. Send me on a mission to ask a man for a $1000 donation. Done. Succeed.

Send me on a mission to ask a girl to dance with me. Difficult, but also succeed.

Send me on a mission to start a romantic relationship. FAIL.

 

Although some girls I have friendships with eventually turn to take romantic interest in me from time to time. So I don't think it's a charm/ look/ ick problem. It's just a something wrong with my self confidence when romance is in the picture.   

[Artinum]

That. I also have that. Send me on a mission to ask a man for a $1000 donation. Done. Succeed.

Send me on a mission to ask a girl to dance with me. Difficult, but also succeed.

Send me on a mission to start a romantic relationship. FAIL.

 

Although some girls I have friendships with eventually turn to take romantic interest in me from time to time. So I don't think it's a charm/ look/ ick problem. It's just a something wrong with my self confidence when romance is in the picture.   

 

If you go into a relationship looking for long term romance, you are virtually always going to fail. That's not how it works.

I've been with my current partner for coming up to twelve years now (!) and we started out just meeting up, having a fun time and letting things go as they would. Our shared interests and similar modes of thinking are a big part of our success together. These days we know each other so well we don't even need to finish our sentences.

 

I didn't have a clue about dating for a long time. I stopped trying in the end - best thing I could have done. When you don't have a need to succeed, it takes off all the pressure. So don't ask girls out on dates - ask them to the cinema, for coffee, for things you like to do. If anything comes of it, enjoy it. If not, you haven't lost anything.

[redwoodfog]

Dear introverts/social misfits thread: hold me.

 

Seriously. I went to an open mic last night and PLAYED because I think it's important to regularly do things that scare the shit out of me. I was the second person to go, and shaking like a leaf. I have done it a few times before, but this time I was just so nervous, could not force myself to look anywhere other than my instrument, said some awkward things, played quickly, and dashed off stage. But afterwards I still felt so nervous and embarrassed at my terror. I ducked out after a few more people, but left feeling really discouraged. I just feel like such an odd duck. My social skills are super clunky, and I have such a hard time connecting with people because I'm so self-conscious, self effacing, and... odd.

 

I wish I could embrace being different (let's call it 'quirky') and just kind of do my own thing, but it gets lonely.

[Phytomancer]

Dear introverts/social misfits thread: hold me.

 

Seriously. I went to an open mic last night and PLAYED because I think it's important to regularly do things that scare the shit out of me. I was the second person to go, and shaking like a leaf. I have done it a few times before, but this time I was just so nervous, could not force myself to look anywhere other than my instrument, said some awkward things, played quickly, and dashed off stage. But afterwards I still felt so nervous and embarrassed at my terror. I ducked out after a few more people, but left feeling really discouraged. I just feel like such an odd duck. My social skills are super clunky, and I have such a hard time connecting with people because I'm so self-conscious, self effacing, and... odd.

 

I wish I could embrace being different (let's call it 'quirky') and just kind of do my own thing, but it gets lonely.

 

That's why you hang out with other 'quirky' people!

 

I think you are very brave to go to an open mic, and you must be confident with your music. That is nice. Sometimes people need to do a little baby steps and expand their horizons a bit!

[Artinum]

Dear introverts/social misfits thread: hold me.

 

Seriously. I went to an open mic last night and PLAYED because I think it's important to regularly do things that scare the shit out of me. I was the second person to go, and shaking like a leaf. I have done it a few times before, but this time I was just so nervous, could not force myself to look anywhere other than my instrument, said some awkward things, played quickly, and dashed off stage. But afterwards I still felt so nervous and embarrassed at my terror. I ducked out after a few more people, but left feeling really discouraged. I just feel like such an odd duck. My social skills are super clunky, and I have such a hard time connecting with people because I'm so self-conscious, self effacing, and... odd.

 

I wish I could embrace being different (let's call it 'quirky') and just kind of do my own thing, but it gets lonely.

 

I used to have similar reactions to singing karaoke (hey, I fancied the DJ...) - one of the rare situations when I drank alcohol. But after the first song I tended to get a huge buzz from it and want to go again (often regretting doing so later). One thing that helped there is knowing that I can sing - certainly a heck of a lot better than most of the regulars, which isn't really saying much!

 

If your musical ability is merely above average, you've got nothing to fear about being on stage. All you need to do is exactly what you did - get up there, play, don't look back - and you've won the battle. Well done you! Next time, you'll find it easier. It's just like weightlifting, or running. Every time you do it, you'll find it a little easier. When it starts getting too easy, ramp up the challenge.

[fleaball]

Dear introverts/social misfits thread: hold me.

 

Seriously. I went to an open mic last night and PLAYED because I think it's important to regularly do things that scare the shit out of me. I was the second person to go, and shaking like a leaf. I have done it a few times before, but this time I was just so nervous, could not force myself to look anywhere other than my instrument, said some awkward things, played quickly, and dashed off stage. But afterwards I still felt so nervous and embarrassed at my terror. I ducked out after a few more people, but left feeling really discouraged. I just feel like such an odd duck. My social skills are super clunky, and I have such a hard time connecting with people because I'm so self-conscious, self effacing, and... odd.

 

I wish I could embrace being different (let's call it 'quirky') and just kind of do my own thing, but it gets lonely.

You are made of awesome sauce! So maybe it didn't go quite the way you'd hoped. Everyone has off days. The important thing is that you went out and did it even though you were nervous. Next time you're nervous you get to look back and say "I did it that time so I can do it again!" 

 

What do you play?  

[redwoodfog]

Thanks folks. It's good advice to look on the bright side... that I pushed through and did it, and maybe next time it will be easier.

 

What do you play?  

 

Banjo!

[BarrensChat]

I'm definitely an introvert, and deeply introspective. I never, ever get lonely no matter how many months I shut myself in with minimal contact. At the same time, I'm not all that shy/avoidant. I can talk without much anxiety but find it draining and feels like a large part of my brain shuts off for the duration. You couldn't get me to speak in public if you put a gun to my head though. Seriously, I'd rather take a bullet, or several 50cals, than do that shit again.

 

I've always been skeptical of terms such as 'social skills'. It smacks of manipulation and trickery. Why shouldn't I just be myself, with no 'skills' masking who I am? Better to strive to be a kind, caring person and let those qualities shine through. Besides, I've always found bashfulness endearing.

 

Now that I'm considering getting out there more, I'm feeling a little guilty over having shut myself off for all these years. Not in the sense that I've missed out, because I thoroughly enjoyed every day of my seclusion. But rather, the awareness that there are people out there who are alone and lonely, and these are probably the people that I'd get along with best. I know for sure I find gregariousness irritating and threatening. 

[Phytomancer]

 

I've always been skeptical of terms such as 'social skills'. It smacks of manipulation and trickery. Why shouldn't I just be myself, with no 'skills' masking who I am? Better to strive to be a kind, caring person and let those qualities shine through. Besides, I've always found bashfulness endearing.

 

That's a tricky way to put it. I always find bashfulness respectable, but I always find that I like it if everybody is happy. I try to be as honest as possible while use the social skill to soften the blows. 

 

And once in a while, a dance with a pretty girl I have never met, an extra tip from a table or two, or an extra services in the restaurant don't really hurt me at all. I can't refuse that manipulation can be fun.

 

But l still consider myself an introvert, just because these activities are like heavy workouts to me. They are very draining. I have to spend a long time in recovery and rest after doing any social events/ public outing.

[Artinum]

I've always been skeptical of terms such as 'social skills'. It smacks of manipulation and trickery. Why shouldn't I just be myself, with no 'skills' masking who I am? Better to strive to be a kind, caring person and let those qualities shine through. Besides, I've always found bashfulness endearing.

 

Because they ARE skills. They're a set of learned traits that enable us to exchange information and influence others.

 

Socialising is a game. You can just play about, have fun and just "be yourself", and that's absolutely fine. But if you learn a few strategies and tactics, you can do so much more. Politicians and interviewers are premier league level social players.

[BarrensChat]

Socialising is a game. You can just play about, have fun and just "be yourself", and that's absolutely fine. But if you learn a few strategies and tactics, you can do so much more. Politicians and interviewers are premier league level social players.

 

Well, excuse me if I'd rather not have a bunch of tactics used against me to get me to do things I wouldn't otherwise do. Think I'll learn some of them just to see what I should watch out for and counteract. This is one game I'd rather opt out of.