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Bearlee

Too Fat To Give Blood

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NEAR MELTDOWN

Last Friday I was feeling great. I've been losing weight, I finished reading a great book that brought back a lot of childhood memories, and reliving those memories from the book by watching old movies and listening to old music (80s stuff). I also went on a vacation that was inspire by Steve's article about the Life of Walter Mitty movie. I was reflecting on how great the vacation was and I was going to look at the pictures my sister took of me and my kid. Then something just totally snapped. I started looking at the pictures and started crying. I couldn't believe how fat I was in the pictures. A flood of negative feeling just rushed over me. "Oh my god, if you look this fat now, what did you look like when you were 50 pounds heavier." "What are you doing trying to live an epic life?" And the thought that hurt me the most "What is that poor kid doing with that fat guy? Doesn't he deserve better?" I had to stop looking at the pictures and wanted to run out and buy a dozen doughnuts and hide in a hole. Fortunately it was a workout day. With tears welling up in my eyes I stumbled through my workout which took several minutes longer because I had to walk around between exercises to try to clear my head. I was still devastated after my routine was done so I walked around for another fifteen minutes. I finally started to put things into focus. I've been improving. I've got a plan. Things are working so don't let this screw it up for you. So I put my head down and plowed through. But I'm still ashamed that I let such a fantastic memory be tarnished by my insecurities/ bad self-image. The picture I'm posting is the one that really got to me. Instead of look at the picture and seeing a father and son sitting at a lighthouse enjoying a scenic ocean view with waves crashing over rocks and into crevices, seeing seagulls and pelicans flying by on the updraft of the cliff, and remembering the pod of harbor seals on a nearby rock outcropping, all I see is a guy with a fat gut and a huge ass. I can't get back that pristine image back anymore, but I can't let it hold me back either.

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Sorry I don't seem to be able to post the pic. I'll try again later. But I also wanted to let you know that I now have a challenge thread and a battle log if your interested. Links are in my signature. May not be updated as much as some people's. I'm trying to make sure I get my workouts and goals accomplished first then post when I can.

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Bearlee, you are a true champion! Reading through your thread brought tears to my eyes, and I'm freakishly impressed by your progress and your willpower! Even when you felt bad about yourself you managed to keep to the plan. That shows incredible strength. :)

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Dude... you are bettering yourself... your son loves you for being who you are and he is going to look at this when faced with his own challenges and say "my dad was able to do xyz and this is nothing compared to that" you are setting a fine example and I'm proud of you

The evil dancing circus monkeys that live in my phone rarely let my communications come through appropriately

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Welcome to the forums! I think you're an awesome human being and that the progress you have made is extraordinary, if I could I would give you a hug.  I can't wait to hear more of your story, it really is very inspirational.

 

Little personal disclosure, my mom is overweight and has been my entire life. It's the only way I know her. But that doesn't mean I love her any less. To me, my mom has always been a superhero, when I was very young my dad was deployed so I had my mom. She was and is heavy, but she loves me. I can guarantee that your kid doesn't feel anything about your weight, they just want you to live as long as possible and love them unconditionally. You already love as much as you can and working to live as long as you can. That's really all that's needed.

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I just ran across your post and I am really impressed by your willingness to open up and share.  You are doing a great job and taking small steps to make big changes is the smartest thing to do.  Continue to be honest with yourself and continue to stay focus.  I am proud of you man.  Keep up the good work and continue to post.

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You know what your son sees?  His dad seeing something he doesn't like and working like hell to better himself.  He's seeing a man taking control of his life and not letting the past define who he will be.  He sees his father making the best choices for his family's future together.  And he is proud.  He will carry this time as a welcome memory as he fights his own battles in life.  He will look back and say, "you know what, my dad taught me that you can overcome anything.  I'm going to do this thing" and he will smile.  You got this. 

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:-( *hugs* I can relate of some of what you feel, and a relative of mine is struggling through much of the diifcult things you are.

 

What's truly amazing is that you are still able to go forth with all of that and continue to be better version of yourself everyday. That's really special.

 

And my friend, one day you will learn Vietnamese! It must be difficult to be around those who might be judgemental or impatient, and things like that never seem to help anyone and only makes things worse. We're here for ya, try to allow yourself to be patient with your learning (it ain't easy learning another language after all) but make it fun and take small steps everyday. There are a loada podcasts out there which i'm sure can help. Everyone is bound to be impressed at some point, even when you're just trying. From what I've learnt from others as well as myself, communication and culture are key. 

 

You know what your son sees?  His dad seeing something he doesn't like and working like hell to better himself.  He's seeing a man taking control of his life and not letting the past define who he will be.  He sees his father making the best choices for his family's future together.  And he is proud.  He will carry this time as a welcome memory as he fights his own battles in life.  He will look back and say, "you know what, my dad taught me that you can overcome anything.  I'm going to do this thing" and he will smile.  You got this. 

 

Excellently put.

 

Keep up the excellent work and keep progressing forward! :-)

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I had a similar meltdown but it was from a journal.  A few years ago there was a huge flood and I lost about 80% of all of my stuff. One of the things that did survive was a journal I typed up when I was in high school. I was so depressed at that time and I started reading the journal.  I got through like....10 pages maybe and I just broke down. I realized that I was in my late 20s and I found out that I've been depressed and writing journal entries about how I hate myself, am so fat, and always depressed since before I was 14.  At that time, I was 28 so I realized that HALF of my life I've just hated myself and been a miserable goddamn mess.  Shortly after, I found this place and let me tell you- This place is amazing and will change your life. You get out what you put in.

 

You're on a journey right now to be the best version of yourself you can possibly be.  Don't look at what you have LEFT to do; look at what you've ACCOMPLISHED so far.  It's taken me well over a decade to realize that fact. Never compare yourself to others, and always look at the good that is going on. Things could always better or worse- but knowing that you're tired of your situation and have the courage to transform your life is all the matters.

 

It doesn't matter the time that was lost. It doesn't matter how much left you have to do.  If you turn everything around and get yourself into a healthy mindframe and a healthy body; then you can make up any of that 'lost' time by living life to the fullest.

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I can't express enough how great your guys and this community is. If it weren't for all of you I'd either be having a really difficult time or just said screw it and stopped. A lot of times I've felt very isolated and think "Am the only one like this?" when I look around at what the "real world" that is presented to me through media or the stores when I don't find sizes that fit me. I don't want to say "Great there are people struggling like me" but rather "Thank you for sharing and making me feel hopeful".

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when I look around at what the "real world" that is presented to me through media or the stores when I don't find sizes that fit me.

Oh please, the media is nothing but lies.  Just look at those magazines that promise you'll drop weight if you start eating acai berries or take supplements, or a 'brand new' workout that promises to be 40000% more effective in just 2 weeks.  All of that is lies because the media knows how to psychologically manipulate you.  Deep deep down, people want an 'easy way'.  They want a 'miracle drug', so that's what the media sells to gullible people.  

 

No one wants to hear that eating healthy, limiting processed crap, and slow/steady exercise will slowly build transform your body.  That's BORING.  That's not exciting like new product XYZ, or new research from Wetotallyjustmadethisuptosellittoyou University, that's not going to get you that toned sexy physique!

http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/04/19/5-fitness-buzzwords/

 

We all struggle because 'common sense' or 'logic' isn't really that at all when it comes to fitness and eating right.  So many other things are pushed onto us. And then we get airbrushed models to be made impossibly thin and curvy and told "If you do THIS, you can be them".  Just look at the latest trend of the thigh gap.  Guess what? Very few women can even have that because it's based more on your pelvic bone width and spacing more than just bodyfat.  Yet, that's the new hip way to tell if you're a fat slob or a supermodel.  *gag*  This is why we're the Rebellion.  We're rebelling against lies that are told to us and shown through photoshopped people.  You're with like-minded people now.

 

In short, you're struggling like we all do but as long is you learn from your mistakes and pick yourself up after every slip-up, then you WILL win. It's just a matter of time.  Take comfort in that. 

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Oh please, the media is nothing but lies. Just look at those magazines that promise you'll drop weight if you start eating acai berries or take supplements, or a 'brand new' workout that promises to be 40000% more effective in just 2 weeks. All of that is lies because the media knows how to psychologically manipulate you. Deep deep down, people want an 'easy way'. They want a 'miracle drug', so that's what the media sells to gullible people.

We all struggle because 'common sense' or 'logic' isn't really that at all when it comes to fitness and eating right. So many other things are pushed onto us. And then we get airbrushed models to be made impossibly thin and curvy and told "If you do THIS, you can be them". Just look at the latest trend of the thigh gap. Guess what? Very few women can even have that because it's based more on your pelvic bone width and spacing more than just bodyfat. Yet, that's the new hip way to tell if you're a fat slob or a supermodel. *gag* This is why we're the Rebellion. We're rebelling against lies that are told to us and shown through photoshopped people. You're with like-minded people now.

In short, you're struggling like we all do but as long is you learn from your mistakes and pick yourself up after every slip-up, then you WILL win. It's just a matter of time. Take comfort in that.

This. All this.

I can't tell how many times I've used the phase, "Common sense is a misnomer, it's really not all too common." But, then again, I'm a cynical jackass.

Bearlee, like what the others have said: Focusing on what is left is not healthy. Keep the goal in mind, but keep you're focus on what has been accomplished. I mean, look at you! You've accomplished SO MUCH! You've accomplished more in a relatively short time than most people do in their whole life.

At this point, I'm rambling, so I'm going to end with YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION!!!!!!

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+1million to what Teros just said, sometimes it can be hard to lose focus on the past (or future for that matter) but right now you're doing a great job and as long as you can persist with that, you will reap the rewards my friend! :-)

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