negative society

[curvygirly]

I don't know if this is going to sound right typed up, hard to put into words. So now, we are on this board trying to better ourselves physically, perhaps also mentally. Shed some weight, tone up, add some muscle, etc. I'm sure we have all gotten the short end of the stick of someone treating us bad because we were not what they felt was beauty, and i'm sure when we get closer to our goals, we will have some people treating us better for it. I was just wondering what your attitude towards that person is (before and after your results)

[curvygirly]

For me, I really hate my family for the fact that they aren't as loving towards me bc i have gained weight. i hate the fact that once i lose weight, they will be a lot nicer and proud of me. Even when I have shed the weight and they are being nice to me, I know deep down I will always resent them for it. I also am turned off with people that talk crap about people's looks, disabilities , etc. Not just now bc I have gained weight, but even back when I was a thin person. It makes me think the person has an ugly heart, and I just can't respect them

[Istra]

It's a tough call, isn't it? I understand what you're saying; I struggle with that too. I'm still the same person INSIDE no matter what I'm covered with OUTSIDE. The comments of "Wow, you look great now!" Are hard to deal with. I much prefer my little sister's comment, "You look a lot thinner. " She was acknowledging the change in me without putting how I was in a negative light.

As an artist, I struggle with weight too. How am I, as an artist, encouraging or discouraging the idea that only one body type is pretty? It's hard.

I am single now, and I worry about "finding someone" when I'm thinner. Is it only because I'm thin they like me? If I gained weight would they leave?

My close friends now love me for who I am - not what I weigh. In fact, their visual perception of me is affected by who they KNOW me to be. Heh, my roomie is always picking out clothes for me that are too small because she forgets my body size. She doesn't see me as fat- she sees me as her best friend.

That's how I want people to see me- by my character, not by whether I'm fat or thin.

I realized a couple years ago that losing weight isn't the answer to being happy with myself. Even if I was thin, there would still be things about my body to be unhappy about: "wrong" shape, weird feet, bad hair, etc. I realized that I needed to be happy with who I am on the inside first, and that the value I place on myself shouldn't come from my appearance either. That changed how I think about working out and losing weight. Instead of perceiving my value on how much weight I lose, or whatever, I approach it rather like learning a new skill- because I want too. I want to be able to run far and fast just like I want to play Claire de Lune on the piano. I want to be strong and active just like I want to paint beautiful art.

Focusing on that helps me deal with other people. I can't change how they perceive my value, but I don't have to accept their opinion either. When they don't understand that who I am isn't what I weigh, I can laugh, and hope they can move past their pettiness.

(N.B. I can't always laugh right away. :3 It's still hard. ^_~)

[curvygirly]

Wow Istra, you really are an artist. you couldn't have painted a better picture or put it into better words

[jacobmovingfwd]

Hmm, I see it rather differently...

I think I've changed mentally a lot in the past year; I quit smoking, and committed to working out and eating right. Yes, I'm still the same annoying person who will tell you way too much about stuff you don't care about, but now it's about Primal Dieting, not WoW So I think I have changed, and that people treat me differently because I carry myself differently; not just that I'm lugging around 30 less pounds, but I hold myself with more pride, because I like the way I look and feel. I love that instead of standing around smoking, I can scramble up a wall, or sprint down the beach with my dog... and I like to think that exuberance comes across in day-to-day interactions.

I know some friends and family who see me as I change think I look better, but the vibe I've gotten is more pride for me being healthier and caring about myself more, not really that they disliked me for being fat. The simple fact is that people are going to show me better respect as I show that I respect myself by taking care of myself. Yes, I was a nice guy then, and am now (at least I think so...) and I never had people treat me especially poorly, but then again, my female acquaintances make a point to say I look better, and I very much appreciate that . Now there's one or two who say "ooh, I could date you now!" and I think to myself "haha, no." Because if the physical aspect is what they care about most, that's definitely a negative.

I'm also single and looking, and the whole respect thing applies here also. I don't automatically write off "fat chicks", but if someone's not very fit, smokes, and list their favorite activities as watching tv and baking, that person is probably not going to mesh well with who I am, and who I'm trying to be. On the other hand, if someone's starting down the path of fitness, that counts for a lot more than where on the path they are.

I decided that I needed to get in better shape specifically to improve my ability to find a mate; I need to show that I can take care of myself before I can expect anyone to trust me to take care of them. That I should strive to be as attractive - physically, mentally, and spiritually - as the person I'd want to be with. I'm pretty comfortable in 2 of those fields, and needed to catch of physically. Balance is important, it's not fun being the fat smart guy.

I want to be able to run around with my kids, not be one of the fat dads sitting around. I want to teach by example, and that example is to take care of your body, and enjoy yourself, not eat whatever's in front of you, and sit around.

Even with friendships, you want to surround yourself with people who will help you improve; a number of my friends have gotten in to fitness in general, and NF in particular since I showed it to them, and we all support each other. We don't ostracize the 1 or 2 who haven't, but when we're no longer playing wow, and they're not running or working out, there's not as much to talk about.

But I never/rarely actively disliked myself; I knew I could be in better shape, but I've always been pretty good about liking myself internally, and mostly ignoring the gut. I think it's very different from a modern guy's perspective as well.

[Istra]

I want to be able to run around with my kids, not be one of the fat dads sitting around. I want to teach by example, and that example is to take care of your body, and enjoy yourself, not eat whatever's in front of you, and sit around.

Even with friendships, you want to surround yourself with people who will help you improve; a number of my friends have gotten in to fitness in general, and NF in particular since I showed it to them, and we all support each other. We don't ostracize the 1 or 2 who haven't, but when we're no longer playing wow, and they're not running or working out, there's not as much to talk about.

But I never/rarely actively disliked myself; I knew I could be in better shape, but I've always been pretty good about liking myself internally, and mostly ignoring the gut. I think it's very different from a modern guy's perspective as well.

I haven't liked myself most of my life. I found some friends who loved me even if I was myself, and they've helped me heal A LOT. Most of the time now, I'm pretty okay with who I am. And I know with my head I'm awesome, even if I don't always feel it with my heart.

I do understand what you're saying about the change in your attitude reflected in how others treat you. That has happened to me too. When I understood that my friends really DID like me for who I was, and that who I was was an okay person to be ... I completely changed. I stopped trying to figure out why "everybody hated me," and just was who I was. If they couldn't cope with me, that was THEIR problem. Much to my surprise ... I'm popular now. Well, mostly. There are still a large portion of people who react to me like "... O ... kay." But for the most part, people blink, and then grin back at me.

That was nearly ... wow 8 years ago. Huh ... I've changed a lot. For me, my attitude change had to come from inside me, not from changing my "circumstances." (For lack of a better term.) I'm really impressed that you've been happy with yourself all along. As I stated previously, that's something I really struggle with.

I think it is different for guys. I mean, I'm not a guy, so I wouldn't know, but I do know how I think/feel, and I know how my girl friends feel. For some reason, for us at least, our self-value is easily accounted by physical "attractiveness." It's really hard to not ask "What's wrong with me?" about our singleness. (Obviously, there are things we can do to make ourselves more ... available, which we're doing. We gave up on the pizza delivery guy awhile ago. XD) I know we all struggled with our self-images throughout middle & high school, because we weren't "pretty." Now we can see that we were and are, but that took a lot of growing and changed attitude on the inside.

I fully agree on the comment about wanting to run around with your kids. My youngest sisters are 14 and 16 years younger than me. (They were kind of tag-a-long surprises. Very happy ones though. ) And the youngest is ... uber active. She's hard to keep up with even if you ARE in shape. I also have a new nephew who is promising to be as active as his aunt. I want to be able to keep up with them and zip about and have fun.

I am moving in that direction. I scrambled down some rocks and clambered about on the hillside with my sister on a trip recently. Not very exciting, I know, but a few months ago, I would have stayed on the edge, afraid I'd hurt myself if I climbed down. I am getting stronger and healthier, although the trip is far, FAR slower than I'd like. I'm learning patience. I don't like this lesson. :3

Anyway. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and comment. :3 I hope nothing I said sounded harsh or didactic. It's so hard to communicate effectively through text! ^_______~