It is never as bad as we make it in our heads

[Fearkiller]

I got the 42 positive, honest self appraisals in Milythaels'  HOoRAY,

(as the moment, Bekah, the Druid ambassador, as the boss).

 

And still counting! A part of what helped me succeed was that it was always in the back of my mind reminding about positive things, and all that "about surrounding yourself with positive people", yanno?

 

So, I was very, very broken until the last week, somewhere inside me I still am, but I am doing

a f*cking insane progress. I can't really believe how awesome this is! I am not sure, if this is borderline delusional,

but what the hell! Given where I am coming, this is welcomed for a change. And where I am going, when the endorphins and dopamine ( = The moments/days when it could rains shit and you'd keep on smiling) 

levels drop, these things still stay, and are a golden line in the middle of day-to-day living that so often is disillusioned and hopeless.

 

- Fending off for the moment the Demonemon (the negative voice we all have to some degree that tries to bring you down and keep you there)

- A lot of brutal, honest, wickedly useful and fun (Yeah! I know!) self-appraisal, realisations, stomping on the lies we feed to ourselves, throwing out of the window several parts of the useless, bad habit-ridden crap we haul around daily,

- I'm getting better  at stomping down my ego, pride, stubbornness and fear of change

- As there is said to be the delusion with young people that

"life goes on forever, there's always a new tomorrow and

I am immortal, I cannot die, ever", thinking about death daily has ground that illusion to the ground.

The very, very little things good, that I mostly took granted, hit me sometimes speechless. 

- And I still like doing immature, unexpected, weird, useless things just for the fun of it, giving a mental middle-finger to the "Oh, what other people think about me"-thought -hell, let them look! Comparing to the shitstorm I have gone and going through, I have a lot less to fear.

- Oh yeah, if this or my struggles helps someone, ever, let me know! It would make my day!

 

I feel solemn at the face of this all, because these things usually take a lifetime to learn,

and can't be really taught by anyone else, they have to be lived to be learned.

And kept alive constantly after learned.

And I am barely past 20 years!

 

And how miraculously I happened to be given the hardships, that I have  survived, to

find out these things, and the knowledge and tools to learn all that I have learned

 and be here in the forums, with this swirling, wonderful atmosphere.

 

It is not over, but going to the right direction!

[ShadowLion]

Woot, indeed! Congratulations on all of your progress and endurance and insights!

[Guzzi]

Very pleased to read this, well done

[Fearkiller]

Did ask a girl out. She already had a boyfriend,

but what might've happened is interesting.

I am a small fraction braver now.