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I know you are having some computer issues, but man I miss you!! I hope you are doing well and will be back with us soon. Just wanted to send you some cyberLove <3

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You aren't going to get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.
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Half-Nymph Assassin Warrior • Level Up Club Alumni • Nerd Fitness Academy Member • Camp Nerd Fitness Attendee

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Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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Hey guys. I'm sorry that it's been so long, and thank you for checking in with me regardless.

Unfortunately I wasn't on holiday. Life has turned around for me completely and I've avoided updating because the more people I tell this, the more real it becomes, and all I want is for this to be a really horrible dream that I can finally wake up from.

 

Boyfriend has finally gotten into hospital and started his therapy. Only I can't really call him boyfriend anymore because he left me two weeks later. One and a half weeks ago. From one day to the next, I had to move out of the apartment, quit my job, move back in with my parents. Those nearly two weeks have been nothing but pure agony. 

 

There was never, not for a second, a doubt in my mind that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. It came completely out of the blue for me. After months of worrying about him day and night, this was supposed to be the time when things finally get better. Instead they ended. 

 

From the constant stream of relatives that have tried to cheer me up when I just wanted to be alone and cry for a few days, I'm aware that oh yes, I'm young, I'll get over it, I'll find someone else or someone better or whatever. This is a new part of my life and blablabla. But it isn't. A very, very big part of me doesn't want to move on. Or get over him. And god no, I don't want to find someone else. I moved out with my life in a couple of trash bags and that's how it feels. And now I'm living between things from my childhood and the storage place my parents have turned my old room into. And I just want my life back. 

 

I know that there are many things I should be grateful for, but I don't want to. I want to pity myself, I want to cry, hell I also want to rage and hit people and run away from everything. I'm not. I'm being good and applying for jobs because I gotta find one within the next 2 or 3 weeks. And I promised Thomas (name of ex-boyfriend) that I wouldn't give myself up or do stupid stuff or anything of the sort. 

 

We talked for a long time. The day after. And we mt again last saturday when I came to get some more of my stuff. And we can still talk to each other, which is good. On the other hand it means more agony when I see him and it's not the same anymore. I visited again today, only for a few minutes, and he was feeling really, really unwell because of his day at the hospital, and I can't be there for him. And that pretty much killed me. It's for selfish reasons he broke up. He needs to take care of himself. I need to use that opportunity to get my job life back on track. 

 

And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. But nothing works and everything feels like the wrong decision. I had a long talk with the boss today, he will most likely offer me an apprenticeship tomorrow or the day after. A shortened one with better pay than normally. I'm not sure if it's the right decision, my parents think it's totally wrong, but I'm just so tired of applying. I want this to be over. My parents want me to do a volunteer year, but then the same stuff will start all over again next year and I just can't take all the rejections anymore. Not after the rejection I got from Thomas.

 

I'm thinking and writing in circles.

 

I'm visiting Thomas' mother after work tomorrow and just thinking about that makes me cry all over again. I love her like a real mother, I used to visit her once a week or so, we got along great. And just the knowledge that I'll never be her daughter in law, maybe will never see her again, is enough to make me want to jump off a bridge. 

 

I'm sorry I dropped out of this challenge. I won't be participating in the next one either. There are too many things happening right now and I can't bring up the will to even think about a challenge. I've got a job interview on monday for a shitty job that's closer to my new home, so I guess that's good. And I know life will go on. Because it has to. A good friend of mine offered to just fly to SF and live with her for a month, to get away from everything, and I so want to. But it's not doable. 

 

Enough with the self-pity now, I gotta sleep soon and don't want to be all puffy-eyed tomorrow. Sorry to let you guys down, and thank you for checking in with me even when I was quiet, it means a lot to me. :)

Just trying to get back on my feet. :)

apfelstrudi learns to outrun shamblers | Instagram challenge

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I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be so painful for you. Sending love and hugs your way. It's ok to just just grieve right now and feel sorry for yourself, you have suffered a really hard loss. Sometimes we are in such a rush to move on with life, that we don't take the time to grieve. And grieving is normal. You need to do what works for you. I do wish you would stick around here, even if you don't have a challenge, then at least we could send you virtual hugs more often.

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27

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:( I'm so sorry Apfel.  There's not much more to say as I'm sure it's been said already and at a time like this sometimes it's good just to be alone and eat a pint of ice cream and cry and ignore the world.  But I do want to say one thing in response to this:

 

From the constant stream of relatives that have tried to cheer me up when I just wanted to be alone and cry for a few days, I'm aware that oh yes, I'm young, I'll get over it, I'll find someone else or someone better or whatever. This is a new part of my life and blablabla. But it isn't. A very, very big part of me doesn't want to move on. Or get over him. And god no, I don't want to find someone else.

 

Thinking about finding someone else and how life will be better in the future always makes me feel worse in situations like this, even thinking about moving on feels awful.  In my very humble opinion actively trying to feel this way is a crapshoot, it'll work for 3 seconds and make  you feel awful the next... you should just concentrate on you right now.  Don't worry about getting over it or moving on... if you're sad be sad, if you're angry be angry, let yourself heal and work through it.  You will eventually be OK, but you'll get there with or without thinking about the fact that that's the case if that makes sense, so if you don't want to think about it then don't.  One day you'll just wake up and not even realize you're OK even though you are, because you aren't actively thinking about it to analyze the fact if you're over it or not. 

 

Sorry for the rambly-ness... I went through a similar break up (totally unexpected, was living with him, close with his family, etc) and I just wanted to offer my two cents.  If you disagree with me or don't want to hear (read?) it then please feel free to totally and completely ignore everything I wrote and just know that I'll miss your epic hooping adventures until you return!  Feel better :)

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Aww Apfel  :love_heart:

 

Good to hear from you again. 

 

Take your time. Seriously, do take your time. We've heard so much about how you supported him, and now this? That must be very, very hard. But you can do it. 

 

I'm not going to try to cheer you up - I know that's not what you want or need right now. Just try to take one day at a time, don't forget to breathe. 

We'll be here to welcome you back when you're ready for a new challenge *hugs* 

level 10 wood elf assassin

Intro1st challenge | .... | 6th | 7th | 8th | 9th | 10th | Current @ warriors

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Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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I'm so sorry, Apfel.  I hate it when people try to cheer me up, too.  It kind of feels like they're doing what makes them feel better, rather than respecting what I need to make myself feel better (which in a case like this, would probably be isolating myself for awhile, and alternating between beating the hell out of a punching bag and drinking while playing video games).  Take whatever time you need, and do whatever helps you feel better.

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Oh my gosh, dear. I'm sorry. I hoped you were away having lovely times too. I agree - take the time you need. Focus on making decisions that need immediate answers and - as much as you can - try not to worry about what the future will bring long term. You are what's important right now. The other stuff feels needy and urgent, but it will work out.

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I am so sorry Apfel! What a terrible thing to have to go through. You know we're all here if you need to talk. Take care of yourself.

Hugs and loving thoughts to you..

The Introverted Goddess

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I don't really know what to say, but please know that I have worried a lot when you weren't posting here anymore, and I'm glad to at least know what happened, even though it's a terrible thing. :( I'm still thinking about you, and know that even though you must feel very alone, and in a way you are, in a way you also have many people rooting for you and wishing you happiness. 

 

And I hope your environment will allow you to be sad, all the bad stuff needs to come out first, for however long feels right for you. <3 

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Boo. That really sucks. If Jenn ever broke up with me I would cry for a week straight, drink heavily, then get as far away from my current residence or anything familiar as I could. I'm imagining wearing a lot of black during this time as well.

 

Do whatever you gotta do to deal. I hate when people want you to be this evolved creature and "feel" everything with elegance and grace. Everybody should give themselves the room to grow and build as a person and others should allow you to do that as well. Your feelings are your own they are as real and legitimate as anything. If people can't handle that, screw 'em!

 

Oh... and we will always be here if/when you decide to return.

 

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I'm a time traveler, but I can only go one way and only a second at a time.

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I'm so sorry :( Can't even imagine what a wreck i'd be.. can't imagine my life without my bf.. Definitely give yourself lots of time to even want to feel better again! And if it helps, maybe give yourself some hope that you will patch things up? if that helps you get through the days then you can always see wether to let that go later on..? 

 

If there is anything we/ I can do? Maybe arrange a visit? your parents place any closer to NL?

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