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Fearkiller picking up the pieces and holding his head high.


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The topic turned out maybe too honest. A fair warning:

I personally think you should read this as an adult, and then decide if it is okay for your kid to

think of such. Concerns dark and sad emotions and suicidal feelings. -Thank you

 

My motivation: 

See to that all the true and beautiful things what I learned from my clear moment after the really dark patch in the middle of 2014 does not become one of those times I’ve had many before, where I see clearly, and then I let it all drop because of the struggles of day-to-day living, and they never get a chance to become reality from thoughts. There’s been many lapses before and thinking about every single time pisses me off. How could I blow such a great chance?

 

The quote encompassing this is:

Author probably unknown.

 

My big goals, broken into achievable steps:

 

Skim on everything non-essential, that, in the end, only takes from my happiness, getting me only a short burst of pleasure. Coffee, buns, junk food. I don’t eat them all that often, but I feel unable to dodge the thought of paying 5 € for a pizza to get to stuff it in my face feels like selling my dreams a tasty piece-by-piece. And with that thought the pizza tastes like ash.

 

And burn ludicrous amounts of money into things that really are important, show in my life and others’ lives and make them better. Quality healthy food, exotic+expensive fruits that spice up the meals, good quality meat and fish, the occasional, to-die-for melt-in-my-mouth chocolate, quality, emotion inspiring movies and visits to movie theater with friends, to use money to get more time… I get that as I drop out those useless experiences that I already forgot?   Yes all the way!

 

Because one day I thought: “How much good memories cost, anyway?†They are priceless.

 

I want to save up 1000 € by the start of the Camp Nerdfitness (640 for the camp access, 400 for travel), because I want to be there. And even if I do not make it to the Camp, I have a whole grand to use on something awesome. Win-win situation.  Yes, partially I want to show my family that I do a thing that’s completely my own .

 

I will swap the NF camp to at least a month abroad, preferably more. With 1000+ euros I can do a lot better than 3 days abroad. I know the NF camp would've been fun, but this will reap more benefits for sure.

 

How: I will take part in No soda PvP, cutting down coffee, soda and sugary juices completely during the challenge. One cheat allowed per week,if it is something amazingly good, like thick, warm choco. I drink coffee twice a day, like a clockwork, juice daily, but soda very seldomly. I have a jar in which I wrote “Dreams†to remind me to save all the small coins from my wallet every time I pass it.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

I am going to continue the Zenhabits 1000 cuts fitness program that is making progress.

 

Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 11:46 PM, said:

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

 

My first touch with parkour was Mirror’s Edge, and when you speed-drilled you way through the level, and it went good, the flow was amazing. I want to be like Faith, a flowing thing of movement, grace and beauty.  And brag about it as I do the ever so casual vault over the fence that everyone else is taking as a obstacle.

 

And if parkour is a awesome way of life as a side effect, it is a sweet bonus

 

"Parkour is natural, effective movement. That’s it. In French, we use the term passement for overcoming any obstacle. You pass or traverse a barrier in whatever way suits you and the moment; there’s no one prescribed method for anything. Parkour is a lens of efficiency applied to every aspect of your movement through life. At its broadest definition, it implies a low-impact and considerate attitude towards bosses, co-workers, family, friends, driving, consumer purchases, and the environment (natural or manmade). What is the least effort and stuff you need in order to live the most meaningful and happy life you can make for yourself? As with the Nerd Fitness Rebellion, it is an exuberant and responsible celebration of life." -Dakao, in The definitive guide to parkour for beginners

 

 

2) And we were watching a parkour video from Youtube with my little brother, and this was the discussion:

Me: That is wicked cool, just look at it! Seriously!

Him: Yeah, it is.

Me: If I start right now, I could be there, doing that! In a decade, easily.

Him: Yeah, like you could. You’d be tumbling on your face in a second.

Me: Oh, but it has to be started so slowly, with the basics, working your way up…

Him: Mmh… Just forget it, it’s not going to happen.

Me: Oh, we will see. I will get there, in ten years, vaulting over things and being awesome!

You just watch!

 

How: I will start making the ‘cuts slowly into something more parkour like: plyometric box jumps on top of and over objects, running through uneven terrain in the woods, learning three easy parkour moves that can be done everytime the opportunity arises.

And I am planning to join the Assassins the next challenge.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

The practical training place – go to work, be in time, and do actual work there, every single day. Even if there’d be a “fuck-it-all, hopeless, dark negativity†somewhere in between there. That demon has been beaten, and I fear to talk about him, or he might come back. There must be a ridiculously, immensely good reason not to go. If I play the fuck-it-all-card even once, it’s fearfully easier the second time, and third, and then… I would lose the golden line of doing things, if I get kicked out of there. I will not go there again, if I can help it. NO.

 

Also, I am fortunate in that when I walk out of the door at 5 pm, I do not have to drag a single piece of my work home. So, as it is common that people say “I am so tired after workdays, I really can’t imagine doing anything else than fall to the sofa and zone out†and I have been there seldomly with the schooldays, and I see people in my family do it often. I want to experience how do I have to use my limited free time usefully so that it helps me to be alert and vigilant.

 

How:

Go to sleep at 10 pm, get up at 6 am, and find a way to get up, even if it is that alarm clock that sounds like a fire alarm (but I hope I don’t have to go there).

Spend 15 minutes daily/an hour weekly thinking what I did wrong/right, how do I feel, why, and what can I do to improve.

 

The practical training work starts 14.7, so this goal would only apply the last week of the challenge.

 

I will switch this simply to a sleep goal.

 

To sleep at 10 pm, up at 6 am. I will find a way.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Life goal:

 

I have had trouble lately, because not much gives me joy anymore, and life feels useless.

Living life because of the life itself is pointless, and even the good moments, while nice, lack a reason,

they have no deeper meaning. I could shrug all I do away with little effort, not a lot of things feel real.

 

3 minutes of meditation daily. Whenever I have spare time (have to wait for something, have a break, etc.) I will close my eyes and breathe from my diaphragm, letting my mind settle, focusing my attention to the breathing only. That’s how the theory goes, my practical application may vary :)

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

That picture rings true for my g/f. It's basically Actions speak louder than words. She can say she cares and blah blah blah, but she needs to SHOW it by being healthy and helping me get healthy in a solid support system.

 

I thought Mirror's Edge was a pretty cool looking game. 

 

I have had trouble lately, because not much gives me joy anymore, and life feels useless.

Living life because of the life itself is pointless, and even the good moments, while nice, lack a reason,

they have no deeper meaning. I could shrug all I do away with little effort, not a lot of things feel real.

 

3 minutes of meditation daily. Whenever I have spare time (have to wait for something, have a break, etc.) I will close my eyes and breathe from my diaphragm, letting my mind settle, focusing my attention to the breathing only. That’s how the theory goes, my practical application may vary :)

enc.jpg
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20140524_125236_zpsh9bup4ho.jpg
 
Helps me a great deal.  Also, doing a whole 30 to detox all the garbage out of my system lends itself to getting rid of 90%+ of my depression.
 
Hit up the tavern if you have any questions or feel free to PM me.  Good luck and have fun :)
Link to post

 

That picture rings true for my g/f. It's basically Actions speak louder than words. She can say she cares and blah blah blah, but she needs to SHOW it by being healthy and helping me get healthy in a solid support system.

 

I thought Mirror's Edge was a pretty cool looking game. 

 

enc.jpg
+
20140524_125236_zpsh9bup4ho.jpg
 
Helps me a great deal.  Also, doing a whole 30 to detox all the garbage out of my system lends itself to getting rid of 90%+ of my depression.
 
Hit up the tavern if you have any questions or feel free to PM me.  Good luck and have fun :)

 

 

Trying to encourage others those times I find the love in my heart again. Good picture!

What is the wall about? All those times someone has said you've encouraged them or...?

 

Likewise, keep rockin'!

 

I am going to no-internet-zone for a week, but I will report when I get back.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Trying to encourage others those times I find the love in my heart again. Good picture!

What is the wall about? All those times someone has said you've encouraged them or...?

 

Likewise, keep rockin'!

 

I am going to no-internet-zone for a week, but I will report when I get back.

The Positivity Project is a printout of encouraging things people have said to me on these forums over the past year that I've been here.  I printscreened, then copied and pasted what they wrote to a word file and then printed it out and made a collage with it.

  • Like 2
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The Positivity Project is a printout of encouraging things people have said to me on these forums over the past year that I've been here.  I printscreened, then copied and pasted what they wrote to a word file and then printed it out and made a collage with it.

 

That's such a great idea, Teros. Really positive and lovely. 

 

My motivation: 

 

Life goal:

 

I have had trouble lately, because not much gives me joy anymore, and life feels useless.

Living life because of the life itself is pointless, and even the good moments, while nice, lack a reason,

they have no deeper meaning. I could shrug all I do away with little effort, not a lot of things feel real.

 

3 minutes of meditation daily. Whenever I have spare time (have to wait for something, have a break, etc.) I will close my eyes and breathe from my diaphragm, letting my mind settle, focusing my attention to the breathing only. That’s how the theory goes, my practical application may vary :)

 

Meditation is an excellent idea, have you considered journalling too? This makes those revelations more tangible and having the facility to go back and reflect really highlights progress made. I started journalling again in the last challenge and it really made an impact on my psychological wellbeing. 

The Sarcastic Computator

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I am seriously glad that you are back for another challenge!

 

*hugs*

 

M x

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

Link to post

The Positivity Project is a printout of encouraging things people have said to me on these forums over the past year that I've been here.  I printscreened, then copied and pasted what they wrote to a word file and then printed it out and made a collage with it.

 

That's such a great idea, Teros. Really positive and lovely. 

 

 

Meditation is an excellent idea, have you considered journalling too? This makes those revelations more tangible and having the facility to go back and reflect really highlights progress made. I started journalling again in the last challenge and it really made an impact on my psychological wellbeing. 

It is such a good idea I kleptificate it. (One of the joy of kendering is that they have... fluent views about ownership).

 

 

That's such a great idea, Teros. Really positive and lovely. 

 

 

Meditation is an excellent idea, have you considered journalling too? This makes those revelations more tangible and having the facility to go back and reflect really highlights progress made. I started journalling again in the last challenge and it really made an impact on my psychological wellbeing. 

I have never done it on a regular basis, but this far I have my fourth notebook filling with dreams, fears, notable things that have happened,

cool thoughts, plans for semi-automatic crossbow, cool quotes, to-do lists.

 

 

I am seriously glad that you are back for another challenge!

 

*hugs*

 

M x

*hugs*

 

 

Nice goals- I look forward to seeing how they pan out for you.

 

Also, you totally have th right attitude in your converstaion with your brother about parkour. In fact, starting slowly with the basics and working your way up is the best way to do pretty much anything!

Yeah, I don't want to train for 2 years and then give up because something broke.

I want to be able to do most of that stuff even when I am over 60. "That was awesome, grandpa!"

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

1000 cuts this far:

9.6 2 box jumps, walking on a curb

10.6 2 box jumps, a sprint, jumping from rock-to-rock on a forest trail

 

Lately, my summer vacation started, so I do not have any schoolwork and have free all day.

It's a beautiful summer day outside, yet I spend most of my days indoors on a computer and playing games. I know and accept I am addicted to escapism from reality, be it books, movies, PC games or flat-out fleeing from uncomfortable situations. The fact I do not do what I think and feel, the misalignment between my thoughts and actions makes me feel torn and anxious. Lately I've started to have more and more trouble being in any kind of indoor space (four walls and a roof) more than a couple of hours straight. I need to get out. Period. The sheer boredom and frustration makes my bones tickle and fills me with excess energy.

 

11.6 4 pull-ups, 4 chin ups, 30 leg raises, 80 second plank,

60 second plank, 10 push-ups

 

I have been meditating a minute there, another here, but I feel I need total silence for it. I have above average trouble with tolerating anything I feel sudden and interrupting (noises of any kind, and I mean even birds singing or distant car traffic, other people, music if it is a song I cannot change)... Extremely annoying. I currently do not own a pair of mufflers. I am going to go and buy them today. I am excited about the possibility of total silence whenever I want to.

 

Now that you know where I stand, the problem is that mufflers are a temporary solution and amplify the situation by getting me used to silence. Sudden things will feel doubly worse after a pleasant silence. The solution would be to teach myself slowly to tolerate things I find annoying. How? Then again, dependency from any kind of possession simply doesn't feel right to me anymore.

 

On the positive, I have been reading a book written by Dan Edwardes "The parkour and freerunning handbook" and it

is some seriosly exciting and inspiring stuff. I mean it is possible, even for me! He doesn't sugar coat it though, it is a several year process, but... Wow! :blink:  :)

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

This week I have drank coffee to give it a 'sort of' good byes, but from tomorrow (Sunday 15th June) onwards I am taking part in the no soda PvP,

like I said I would.

 

Nghh... Mornings... Gaahhh...Caffeine, yes! Oh shit, I am not drinking it anymore... Mmmhhffpphhh...

 

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/46965-ongoing-the-no-soda-pvp-challenge-are-you-nerd-enough/?p=1078866

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Hey Fearkiller!!!  Great to see you back again for another challenge :)  You are doing so immensely well, and I am so proud of you!  Also, I love that you're learning parkour.  That is totally something I want to get into slowly, too!  I haven't done any of it yet, but I am planning to take it on in a future challenge (health, as always allowing).

Hiraedd the Twice Risen:

Hamadryad; Pilgrim

battle log

 

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Hey Fearkiller!!!  Great to see you back again for another challenge :)  You are doing so immensely well, and I am so proud of you!  Also, I love that you're learning parkour.  That is totally something I want to get into slowly, too!  I haven't done any of it yet, but I am planning to take it on in a future challenge (health, as always allowing).

Yes. I am very much happy that I am still here.

 

*throws hands up and spins around to include the whole world into the here*

 

And you do not see half of the awesome I have boiling in my head and in the journaling book... :playful:

 

I feel that if I stop speeding forward, the darkness will catch me and I will sink in again.

So I just keep swimming.

 

You should totally do it in the future. Even if it happens not to be for you, you can always try something else.

Always gather new memories.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

'cuts

12.6 Did not do a thing.

13.6 Did not do a thing.

14.6 2 box jumps, a short run

15.6 10 push ups

16.6 37 second plank, 80 second plank, 4 pull ups

30 second abdominal and a back strech

 

Parkour, thing one: - Add gentle streches among my 'cuts. I have been getting weird little aches here and there from sudden push ups and other things without any streches.

 

Parkour, thing two: - Practice the rolling technique carefully on a soft surface, at least half an hour twice a week.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

'cuts:

17.6 80 second plank, 10 push ups, a few slow ducks, hanging from the pull-up bar

 

1+2 minutes of meditation. I go to the forest and close my eyes and ears.

All you hear in the silence is your own heartbeats and breating. Blessed silence!

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

(I am using the challenge thread as a diary of sorts,

so that explains the bits and pieces that have no apparent relation.)

 

Knowing things and wanting them isn't the same as doing them.

 

So while I know that dwelling on things I don't have, jealousy about others' lives,

and comparison what I could be is not good, and makes me sad, I can't stop it

 

------------

 

I have decided that any time outside, be it errands, forest-roaming, walking,

counts for the 1000 cuts, as it should. As long as it isn't four-walls-and-a-roof.

Directing towards green spaces, like parks and forests.

And silence. Very much silence.

 

------------

 

Will be absent for a few days, no internet available. (For the mother hens out there ;) )

  • Like 3

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

This turned out maybe too honest. A fair warning:

I personally think you should read this as an adult, and then decide if it is okay for your kid to

think of such. Concerns dark and sad emotions and suicidal feelings. -Thank you

 

Some of you who read this know, but some may not,

so that warning has to still be up there,

it seems.

 

Pieces of my journey that are not pretty:

People crave for drugs, alcohol, sleep, food, adult entertainment, what-have-you...

 

Whenever life is hard, boring and a struggle, I have began to crave for the easy way out.

In my mind that way defaults to suicide.

 

The sweet whisper of death. To never ever have to again feel, anything at all,
be worried about things or fail at anything. Just to give up on life for good. Be free of the struggle.

 

I know it is too perfect to be true, and the catch here why haven't yet is the pain I'd cause to others.

 

 I actually do not care about myself anymore.
 I don’t believe anything would be possible. That I could have a beautiful life, or do the hard work to make dreams true...

or anything good, really.

I can’t bring myself to believe that the struggle and hard work life and dreams require would be worth it.
 

And I have began talking nasty to myself again. Small, jurtful thoughts that come from nowhere.

 

I do not know if the dark, sweet siren call of giving up shows in between the lines, but it is so easy to

start listening to it, buy in the sweet talking... catch on here?

 

(Reiterated as I remember it)
Odysseus met the siren mermaids at his trip, and they sang so sweetly some the sailors jumped to the water anyways

and kept on swimming even though they never could make it so far and drowned. Odysseus then commanded the sailors

to block their ears with whatever they could find. But Odysseus wanted to hear it, though. He asked then to be tied on the mast,

and not to be set free whatever he would say. When he heard the sirens, he struggled, then desperately was pleading to be set free

because it was so sweet.
 

Sometimes the effort just drains the mind so badly as I try not to listen.

 

And I need a hug :(

 

I feel like a mess sometimes. Life doesn't go in straight lines.

Feels so damn tedious sometimes. And the hard work and struggle

feel no worth it.

 

*scratches head* Riiight... Happier things...

 

I realized my absolutely happiest memories have always had either other people or contact with nature in them.

Second comes very good books, and in rare cases quality movies. Lately time spent vs. happiness gained ratio

has been tipping in the favour of nature and people, and that is good.

 

'cuts

20.6 Dabbled in parkour rolls about 15 minutes

21,6 And another 12 minutes

 

I need a IRL mentor, because trying on my own practical application straight from the handbook into real life is

very difficult and slow at best, and outright risking an injury at worst, however careful I might aim to be.

 

23.6 8 push ups and a few 20 second streches, 80 second plank

 

Also, changed 'the Camp Nerdfitness' to 'live several months abroad' because

abroad living will change my perspective in ways no camp ever could. With 1000 euros, living frugally,

it would be at least month somewhere.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

*hugs*

 

Living abroad would certainly help with meeting loads of new people.  You could plan to visit some beautiful places of nature too.

 

Why don't you start planning it out a bit?  Make a scrapbook of the places you would love to go, or some adventurous things to do?

 

M x

Xanjra - Level 3 - Human

STR - 1 / DEX - 1 / STA - 8 / CON - 9 / WIS - 6 / CHA - 4

Challenge - 1 (Rebel) Challenge - 2 (Adventurer) Challenge - 3 (Adventurer)

Spoiler

 

Battle Log 2014

UK Support Group

Long Term Goals Support

 

'Rule #1 - Cardio.  Zombies lead a very active life style; so should you.'  Zombieland.

 

 

Link to post

I am feeling... weak right now, so to say. Bad thoughts and I am shaking.

 

I need to reserve an appointment with one of the professional councellors I have lately talked to,

if a couple of nights nights sleep doesn't do it.

 

Got some hugs though, that was good :love_heart:

 

Going to the school test I need to retake though, hoping it'll give me something to do.

 

Going to have to talk to someone. Hopefully my mother when she comes from work.

 

*hugs*

 

Living abroad would certainly help with meeting loads of new people.  You could plan to visit some beautiful places of nature too.

 

Why don't you start planning it out a bit?  Make a scrapbook of the places you would love to go, or some adventurous things to do?

 

M x

I like this. I have lately striven to read and learn less, and actually do more that I have already learned.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I am feeling... weak right now, so to say. Bad thoughts and I am shaking.

 

I need to reserve an appointment with one of the professional councellors I have lately talked to,

if a couple of nights nights sleep doesn't do it.

 

Got some hugs though, that was good :love_heart:

 

Going to the school test I need to retake though, hoping it'll give me something to do.

 

Going to have to talk to someone. Hopefully my mother when she comes from work.

 

I like this. I have lately striven to read and learn less, and actually do more that I have already learned.

 

A moment there I felt like would jump off the bridge. but still went to the test. Doing something, anything,

even if it was just a school exam, helped. On my way home I thought once again all the things I would've lost for good

if wasn't here anymore:

the smell of fresh tarmac, flowers, the wind in my hair, chance to do good, help people, all the smiles I'd not see,

the chance for love, friends, dreams, experiences, hugs, I'd not see my mom or family again...

 

What the hell was I thinking there?! That I would not ever feel anything is a bad thing.

 

Craving for suicide is a craving like any else - keep going and it will pass.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

*Big Squishy Hug*

 

I love that you just keep on making progress, Fearkiller.  So proud of you and the person you are making yourself into.  You are no longer just letting life happen to you, and I am so excited.

 

And living abroad sounds great!  I can't wait to hear more about your dreams for it.

Hiraedd the Twice Risen:

Hamadryad; Pilgrim

battle log

 

Link to post

Some of my triggers for suicidal thoughts are

- lack of connection with other people, loneliness (real or perceived)

- boredom and useless things that are not getting me nowhere

- being indoors + the usual inaction to go with this

- failures

 

Either calm down by being still (meditation) and/or getting up from the bed or chair

and physically doing things, anything, in the real world, right here, right now helps.

i need to start gathering things I can do in my home, but preferably where ever I happen to

be.

 

Thinking this more and making up a new set of rules in two days.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Yet again 'till midnight, 12 pm (24.00) on the computer. Mostly just Half-Life 2.

 

With me being as fragile as I am right now, sleep deprivation does not make it any better.

 

It worked only when I got ridiculously little sleep, but there is no use going there, if I don't have to.

 

Continuous small amounts of lack of sleep only makes life crappier than it needs to be.

At times, it is already as crappy as it ever needs to get, I don't want to add that little straw that'd be too much...

 

To fix that I will look into programs or restrictions built inside windows that will not allow me to turn

on the computer between 10 pm and 6 am.

 

From that on, I don't have to use willpower for deciding not to, because hanging on the machine is not possible during the night.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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