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Hiraedd

Hiraedd: 35 days of Strength

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Main Goal: build a strong...

 

Will: gain control over my fear of being hungry/without food +5 STA

24 hour fast Tuesdays and Thursdays (after supper Mon till supper Tues, after supper Wed until supper Thurs)

 

Core: +5 STR

check posture when sitting and standing and deliberately correct if incorrect, every time subject changes at school, or my position changes (I stand up or sit down).

 

Mind & Soul: +5 WIS

35 days of reading and applying

books:

  1. Overcoming Emotions that Destroy
  2. Fighting Invisible Tigers
  3. 1 TBD book of the bible

Body:

  1. PLP but only increasing one per week. Time to ease back into this fitness thing now that my health has improved.
  2. Find something fun & fitness-y to do each week.

 

This challenge only covers 35 days for me as I will be on holiday at the end of it. So here's to making the first 5 weeks count.

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Yay, I was looking all over the forum challenges for your post yesterday and couldn't find it!  Glad to see you're doing another challenge!

 

Here's to being posture-checking-buddies :) *notices & adjusts posture*

 

Good luck x

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Jenn!  Eirlys!  James!  So glad you could join me for the journey.

 

And into day 2 it's so far so good.

 

First fast is just completed.  It wasn't too bad, except for the nightmares.  I have a lot of negative memories tied up with feeling this way (barred from food); most of my marriage in fact.  I faced some of those memories last night.  Hopefully that will start to wane after a while.  Until then I watched some AstroBoy episodes to distract me until I fell asleep.  The hardest hours were the first 6 (between supper and falling asleep) and the last 2 (I was baking and making supper), but all in all I'm surprised at how not a big deal it was to not eat the rest of the day.  Other than getting to sleep in, I barely noticed that I didn't have food.  This, I think, is good.  Freeing.

 

Posture goal is really useful.  I know that it's not very clearly defined, but it's about making me aware of my posture, and it sure has done that.  I adjust it about 15 or 20 times a day at least! *adjusts posture*.  I have found that I can't sit back against the back of a chair or my short legs don't touch the floor (I think they would, but my massive quads get in the way, so maybe some day).  Instead I have to slide forward so that I don't point my toes all the time -- no wonder my calves were always so tight!

 

And for my bible reading, I've decided on the book of Luke, since it's a gospel I've never spent much time in.  Due to give it a read-through tonight.

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Hiya Heidi!!

 

Hi Laureleye!  I'm glad you did!!  (Off to check out yours :) ) I often find that if I don't have a "brave" challenge, I feel cheated at the end because I don't really transform.  For me transforming -- changing the person I am into the person I want to become -- is the point.

 

Just finishing up my second fast.  They were baking at school today, which was evil because it smelled of cookies....and then of pizza....and then of baked beans.  The smell of food all day.

 

The funny thing is that other than a few hours at the beginning and a few at the end, fasting really isn't hard.  That's not what I expected.  I expected being without food to be agony.  It's really more like "barely noticeable".  No nightmares last night, but sleep was very elusive despite the fact that I'd only had 3 hours the night before -- eventually got about 6.

 

Just noticed I forgot to do my PLP, so I'll catch up on that once I finish updating.

 

Reading is going well -- started in Luke.  Will re-read it a number of times (about 7) and then focus on application after that.

 

Off to a staff BBQ tonight, so hopefully the fast-breaking goes okay with food I didn't prepare myself.

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You're not late, Silverrain...you're right on time to encourage me :)

 

So here's how the end of Thursday's fast went:  I decided since there may be food I couldn't eat at the party to just break it early and have some nutritious food at home.  Except, I totally didn't have to do that.  Looking back I realize that was just the fear of being hungry talking, and I totally thought it was making sense.  But it wasn't.  If there hadn't been anything I could eat at the party, it would not have been a big deal to just wait and eat when I got home.  An extra hour or two really wasn't going to kill me.  So that's a lesson learned for the next time.

 

Having fasted 2 days this week, my body was actually prepared for a third....I started to get ravenously hungry Friday night, because the other two days this week I started my fast after a full day of eating.  What's super nice about this fasting thing is that it's helping me break my dependence on food -- I can go for longer periods without eating and when I do eat I know I don't have to eat as much.  Also, you spend a lot less time preparing food, or thinking about what to prepare, etc.  Frees up a lot of thinking space I didn't even realize was occupied.

 

That being said....I'm eating more sweet things.  That needs to stop asap.  I'm also drinking too much water, and now I'm really sick.  AGAIN.  Stupid stomach.  I'm drinking water on fast days when I'm not eating, and I think it's too much for my body.  So, I need to be aware of how sweet the food is that I'm eating (I'm eating more fruit AND ice cream AND sweet iced tea AND smoothies since I started fasting) and I need to not drink water/tea instead of eating.  It's not going to hurt my stomach to be empty for a while. As long as I stay hydrated, no big deal.

 

Keeping up with the PLP, but will take a few days off until my chest cold lessens.

 

Fun fitness -- we did a "medival times" theme for our youth group wind up and I made sure to participate in all the events: archery (real bows and arrows), hammer throw (threw a sledgehammer -- so much fun!), joust (one person was the horse, another the rider, and the lances were pool noodles.  It was more like chicken than anything :) ), and the melee (wooden dowels for swords and cardboard armour).  So. much. fun.

 

Still reading in Luke.  Haven't made much time for it yet; gotta work on that.

 

Went shopping yesterday, and bought a few new pieces of summer clothes.  Funny how great that make me feel about myself.  I wore one of the dresses today and have already had tons of compliments.  I really like shopping now that things actually look like something on me and I can choose to buy something based on it's fit (how nice it looks) and not just that it goes around my girth (like my pre-NF days).

 

Happy end of firsts week, everyone! (Okay, technically that's tomorrow morning, but for me close enough is good enough :) )

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@ Heidi -- much love :)

 

@Laureleye -- it's great finding out that food doesn't own me, and neither does the fear of it.  It's the finding out what still DOES own me that is always the challenge!

 

WEEK 2

 

First off, it looks like I need to update more.  Yikes!

 

Fasting - fasted twice this week.  Had to break the Thursday fast early because I had to take pain killers and couldn't do that on an empty stomach.  Then ate ice cream.  But overall did much better with not eating ice cream by not having it in the house.  Maybe next time I'll work on having it nearby and not eating it, but for now just not buying it is good enough.  The not drinking much during the fast makes it trickier, but I'm definitely not getting as sick, so this is a good thing.  Can deal with more hunger pains if I'm healthier at the end of it.

 

Posture - still checking it regularly.  I'm finding a lot less back fatigue at the end of a workday, which is good, and a lot fewer gaping necklines (also good!) on my clothes.

 

PLP- took the week off due to a bad cough/stuffy nose/etc.  But seem to have recovered, so I should be able to add it back in this week.

 

Fun Fitness - Gymnastics!!  We went to a gymnastics lesson for our class field trip, and I got right in there with the kids on the trampoline, walking the balance beams, jumping on the springy floor, and generally having a great time.  They may be offering an adult class in the fall, so it's something to keep in mind.

- I also rearranged our kitchen yesterday (moved fridges, large hutch, shelves, etc.) which I've been wanting to do for about 3 months.  It flows so much better now and feels much larger.  Yes, in my world moving around furniture is fun, as long as it's my idea :)

 

Reading - it's time to move into note-taking mode, so that will start this week.  I always absorb more when I make notes.  It should take a week or two to make notes on the books I'm working through, and that should leave a week or two for application. :)

 

So overall, the challenge is going really great.  This is a busy time of year -- I have 4 more days of work until summer holidays...and summer projects...begin!  I really can't wait!!

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Just that day...well, just that week.  It was, unfortunately, THAT week.  My cramps are usually really really strong and last about 5 of the 7 days, although sometimes they start 2-3 days in advance and run 5 days.  They seem to be getting somewhat better since I started using the diva cup instead of tampons/pads, and my "heavy flow" days are down from 4 or 5 to 2.  Wait...that was probably way more than you wanted to know....

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Not TMI: I totally get how that affwcts everything else. I had such heavy flow after Vivian was born that I went on the Mirina.

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Sympathies... there are definitely days when I hate being female.  Hope you're feeling better!

 

An adult gymnastics class sounds like fun!  I hope you get to try it.  (When I get to a healthy weight and/or get the green light from my doctor, I'd also like to try some of those things I missed out on as a kid--gymnastics, dance, tae kwon do, whatever.)

 

Keep up the good work!

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Thank you all for the cheering and support.  It means a lot.

 

As for my world, it's been a little tricky this week....since I want to get my daughter a haircut.

 

Shouldn't be an issue, right?  Except it is.  She told her dad and he told her that if she went through with it that he'd "give her a consequence so bad it would make her cry".  She literally wants a tidy up of the haircut she has right now which HE picked for her last year.  But now he's decided she needs something different and says he will grow out her hair all summer and then give her a choice between 3 styles in September.  Ridiculous.  She's 12 years old.  Legally in Canada she has the right to babysit. That's right -- she can look after other people's children and make life and death decisions about them/their safety while she's in charge, but she can't pick her own hairstyle?

 

I've spent the last few days going back and forth with social services, who said it isn't really their arena until he actually goes through with the threat and it's something damaging or completely unreasonable, but did give me some support suggestions, including making a safety plan, and a counselor I can talk to about cultural considerations (since my ex is from the middle east)...except I can't get into the counselor for the next 2 months, so they'll have to help clean up the consequences instead of giving advice before hand.

 

It's frustrating, but we're going to fight it.  I'm done being extra careful around issues just so we won't make him mad.  I don't want my daughter to get hurt in the process, but she needs to know that his anger isn't her problem and that her body is her own to make decisions about.  It seems simple -- just a haircut -- but the rub of it is that it's about personhood: It's about my daughter's right to be an individual.  I don't want her to learn that any boy or man has the right to make choices about her body, because that's a dangerous road for any young woman.  Her body is her own, and it should be.

 

Her hair appointment is on this coming Wednesday, and I'll probably let him know by letter (I want a written record of the communication between us) either the night before or the day of. But batten down the hatches, because I'm expecting a shit-storm of stupid.

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I'm done being extra careful around issues just so we won't make him mad. I don't want my daughter to get hurt in the process, but she needs to know that his anger isn't her problem and that her body is her own to make decisions about. It seems simple -- just a haircut -- but the rub of it is that it's about personhood: It's about my daughter's right to be an individual. I don't want her to learn that any boy or man has the right to make choices about her body, because that's a dangerous road for any young woman. Her body is her own, and it should be.

This. Absolutely this.

I'm here for you and your daughter in any way I can be. Post, PM, call or text.

Much love & support - you are doing the right thing.

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Thanks, Heidi.  It's so nice to feel like I'm not alone in this, and I know that if I was headed off on a weird tangent you guys would knock some sense back into me, so that gives me more confidence moving forward that it's a fight worth fighting.

 

In other news, here's what I learned about myself today: it is possible to do a day of physical labour while fasting.  It does, however, involve a lot more angry and cursing than are typical for me.   I almost never swear at all, so it was surprising that Hungry-me has a potty mouth.  I guess when I'm not "medicated" by food I'm a lot angrier, and my vocabulary is much larger and bluer.  That makes a few things make more sense, like when I was on a forced starvation diet why we fought all the time.  My fasting temper is a hair trigger instead of a very long fuse.

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Hunger induced crankiness is nothing new. (And you should see what happens to my colorful metaphors when I'm dehydrated!)

Your body and temperament will acclimate, but it will take time, dear.

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 It does, however, involve a lot more angry and cursing than are typical for me. 

When I want to eat junk, I'm in a foul mood until I detox.  Then I'm usually ok; but in the beginning- oh boy.  I just start saying to  people 'fiddly-faddly-foo'. Excuse my string of f- words.

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LOL.  Luckily there was no one around to hear my strings of words :)  I think what gets me about it is that I have been working very hard on the person I am, working on becoming the kind of person I want to be, and it's a little unsettling to find out that a very unwanted facet of my personality is hiding just under the surface and is easily brought out by a lack of food and a bit of trouble.  I guess that just means I have more work to do.  I refuse to accept being someone I don't want to be, even under duress.  Especially under duress.

 

Time to break out that other book, I see.

 

 

So week recap:

 

Fasting: Two fasts, and as stated above, a revelation that I am easily moved to being a person I do not care to be during fasting.  This is something I must work on.

 

Posture: Still going strong.  Noticed a difference in how I look in the mirror, just because I was already standing up straight and didn't straighten up once I looked at myself.

 

PLP: Two days, then sore throat, and off again.  Something has to give, seriously.  Either that or I have to learn to be content with tiny bits of exercise every week.

 

Fun Fitness: construction.  Worked on my bathroom.  So excited about the progress I made already.  Should be able to do more this week....as soon as this nasty DOMS goes away.  Things done: new light fixture installed, braces added to walls, cementboard cut to size and installed,gap plugged with foam and trimmed to size.  To Do: Install drywall.  Mud, tape, prime, paint, build tub base, plumb in shower/taps/drain, hang shower curtain, install tub, tile around tub.

 

Reading: falling behind on this.  Need to make a more concerted effort, but I just can't seem to make myself.  When I have energy I want to work, and when I'm tired I'm too tired to concentrate.  Need to set aside some time in the morning before I CAN work (too early to be up using the saw) to get this scratched off my list.

 

Still going strong!  And only 2 weeks until I leave for Texas.  So excited!!!

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