Strawberry Squatcake - Mind, Body and Spirit

[PrincessHeather]

Yay, I may have to find a copy of this hippie book, sounds great!

 

And your boss:

 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Yay, I may have to find a copy of this hippie book, sounds great!

 

And your boss:

 

 

The book is a little weird sometimes, but I adjust it a little to make it fit me if it's to weird. Or if somethign doesn't seem to work for me, I say, "How could I make this work" and use that as a learning/growing/perspective/attitude experience. I wish I had a tally marker to keep track of my good attitude streak! Something similar to this, but for good attitude. 

 

 

Also, I know we've talked about essential oils in the past. I can't remember if you told me whether you diffuse oils. I SWEAR that's been huge for me, but I realize it might all be placebo effect. Haha. I take time each morning to diffuse something "energetic." And each night I have some relaxing blends I like. And if I do the meditation stuff, I'll do some "opening" blends, too. I think I probably get a lot of benefit out of slowing down in the moment and focusing on, "These oils should do this. And I'm making an effort to improve my energy/relaxation/will to open up" that helps as much as the oils. But, the oils also smell good. And I do think some of the smells hit your nose (then your brain) and kind of wake you up (peppermint and spearmint are especially nice on congested mornings), or tell you it's time to relax. I diffuse if I take a bath. And I start the diffuser before bed, then refill it right before I go to sleep so I start to see the connection between the smells and sleep. I also have a "mental focus" I 'huff' through the day. I've really been more productive. But, again, it could be just taking that moment to be "in the moment" and restate my goal (to focus and get stuff done).

 

Also....

 

THE BOSS TOOK THE DAY OFF! It's a Christmas miracle! 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

Oh happy friday!! [emoji173]ï¸bones!

[nightlight]

Yay, I may have to find a copy of this hippie book, sounds great!

 

And your boss:

 

omg i wish i had this gif when things were shitty with asshat. 

also, hi. 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Oh happy friday!! [emoji173]ï¸bones!

I love Bones. I watch it when I'm losing interest in being good at my job. I love that they're all smart, work well together, and are fun. Dream job!

 

omg i wish i had this gif when things were shitty with asshat. 

also, hi.

 

Hahah! I forgot about asshat! <3 What an asshat. 

 

HI!

 

 

------------------------

 

Alright, where do I start? First, I haven't been keeping up with the miracles book as much as I'd like. Last two days were total skips. And today I feel like blah. It might be because I might have a little bit of a stomach bug. Or it might be this is how I feel when the positive loses majority power in my brain? I like to think the latter. Although I'm not sure how my stomach ties into that theory.

 

Anywho, I miss the book, and I have time to do a full day tonight. 

 

So what has been my inspiration the last few days? First, I know it's way over-posted, but Colbie Caillat's Try video. When it first came out, for some reason the older woman who says, 'You don't have to give it all away" spoke to me. Like almost made me cry spoke to me. I watched it several times, and that part would always get me. I've tried to watch the video a few times since, and that part (and the girl crying) always get me. And when the woman takes off her wig and looks so happy! But that's like a happy cry. SO MANY FEELS! Anyway, I've been trying to think about why "You don't have to give it all away" spoke to me, and I think I've FINALLY come up with a reason. 

 

This week's Lean In meeting was centered on "meaning." And I really struggled with the whole thing, and as the person running the meetings, felt pretty failurey about it. But then everyone in the meeting struggled, too. Here was the problem, you had to find things that made you energetic, things you do when you lose track of time. And you also had to look back at your childhood and young adult years and do the same. Then from that, figure out what your natural strengths are. Not things you're good at. Not things you do for your job. Or things others say you do well. But the things that give you energy. These are where your real strengths are, and you need to play into those to have more meaning in your life. So across the three, you're supposed to find commonalities. It was so hard. And then calling those strengths when they don't feel like strengths? OMG. Total mind blower. It's so funny, I've grown into such an introvert. I'm a self-described hermit. And I actually enjoy it. Work takes a lot out of me. I have so much stuff to keep up with at home. I feel like I already commit to too much social stuff. But one thing across all three were social things - time with friends, laughing wth my sisters, the freedom of summertime when my only worry was what I'd do with my friends that day, or playing cards all day with my sister. Not a single thing I thought of was me doing stuff alone. Even reading, I could get lost in a book, but that was much more rare for me. 

 

And then beyond that, there were spontaneous things, and even things I'd categorize as irresponsible/no inhibitions. For example, just forgetting about being an adult, and going out drinking (too much) and dancing. Not worrying about the next day's hangover. Not worrying about who saw me or how dumb I acted. Just totally letting go, laughing, and not having a filter. That is NOT me at work. I feel like everythign I say I consider how it will be perceived, who it will affect, how others will react, what the long-term effect is. And I feel like that makes me good at my job. And I get a lot of kudos for that, so it's reinforced. And in life, I'm generally a  worrier. And I think long term about everything - when I buy a house I don't think about me, I think about resale. When I buy a car, I worry about the statistics of the car more than how it looks or anything emotional. I think about/worry about EVERY scenario. But then, my energy comes from being spontaneous and NOT thinking about anything beyond right now. I get praised for being a big picture thinker. Or for being empathetic and considering so many others than juts my perspective. But do I get lost in that? No. So how to I use that to my benefit in a professional environment? I have no idea. Over-conditioned, I guess. In a good way, but also might be why work exhausts me so much. 

 

I also found energy and getting lost in time in social stuff, which is so funny to me. As a child, I loved having friends over, or going to play with friends. In middle school, if I was with friends, I was happy. We'd usually just walk around or do something meaningless. When we got into high school, my group of friends was happy doing almost nothing, as long as we did it together. Without those friends, I felt lost, bored, isolated. But then college came, and everyone went different ways. And my other group of friends, almost every single one got engaged and married. And now, almost all of my friends are married with kids, or partying all the time (which plays into my spontaneous, but I quit because of my health). 

 

Finally after all of this emotional, confusing cluster of a mess, we had to think about the future we want to have. What things are in it. And the first things that came to mind were again, all social. Super casual social stuff like cookouts, or Friday nights on a big deck or patio having casual drinks, or holiday parties at my house. It's like there's this hostess in me dying to get out! MONICA! I UNDERSTAND YOU! But... Here's the problem, all I do is worry, worry, worry when I think about hosting. I worry about cleaning and planning. It feels impossible to get everything done. I am uncomfortabl ewhen people bring their kids to my house - I have no toys, no child proofing, etc. So that's what stops me from this stuff. In theory, it woudl be awesome if I opened my house to people to stop by anytime, but I openly say never do that. I would love people to come over every single Friday night for dinner and drinks. But I'm scared of the exceptions. Or that no one will come. 

 

ANYWAY!!!!

 

All of that to say, I think when she says, "You don't have to give it all away" I feel like she's telling me to BE ME! Don't give who you are away. I can see how it could have a sexual connotation, but that doesn't really apply to me. I'm a super-prude. Sorry, TMI. And not because I feel ashamed or because I judge others. I'm just NOT spontaneous in that type of decision making BECAUSE I over-think everything. And the risk of an STD or getting pregnant always scared me too much to be spontaneous in that way. But I'll jump out of an airplane or drink and dance on a bar or will jump in my car and drive across state lines to a friend's because she says, "I'm lonely, come visit!" Or I used to. Now there are so many responsibilities holding onto me. I struggle to get days off work. I feel liek there are endless house projects. And I also feel like the reciprocating friends might say, "Come, I'm lonely!" But then they have a husband or kids and I feel like I'm intruding. 

 

The last thing we did was decide what we needed to do NOW to live into where we want to be. So my only answer is, I guess I need to start doign more social stuff. I would say I'd start with a happy hour or something, but I have actually tried that and it's a huge fail. Everyone has families and husbands and boyfriends and all of that, so no one committed to that. But maybe if I had something on a Saturday. My friends and I in college used to get together every Sunday in the summer and drink beer. (Before Sunday Funday was a thing.) Whoever could come would come. But no one had kids and half of my friends were teachers. It's just hard to get on someone else's calendar. And people are so non-committal these days. 

 

I just can't quite figure out how to get there from here. 

 

I also feel like the spontaneous/reckless side of me needs to start trusting my intuition and stop worrying through everything. Maybe that's OK for most stuff at work. But what about if at home I look at a wall and say, "Hey, I should paint that orange." I just go paint it orange? Rather than thinking about if I ever sell. Or if it's really the right choice. 

 

And maybe I can start planning now what I'd need to happen to have open Fridays at my house starting in the spring. What would make it a success? Maybe I end up having a maid come over every Thursday or Friday during work. Maybe I have to figure out easy menu items, or a convenient place to store a lot of beer! Maybe I need more seating. 

 

One other strange, but super-common theme was independence. It was always something i dreamed about, and feel so much energy from. How can I play into that more? Travel has been a stress inducer for me b/c flights out of my town are such a pain (well, and flying in general seems to be that way). So maybe I need to find places I can drive, and, well, just drive! Go see stuff on my own. Embrace my freedom. Only problem is driving alone is bo-ring! Think I can afford a driver who likes the same music as me? 

 

That's so many words, I want to end here. I have one other song that's been really inspiring the last few days, I'll talk about that next time!

[Strawberry Squatcake]

I'll try to talk less about my second song, but it's REALLY the one I've enjoyed over the past few days. I was a big fan of this song when it was popular here, but you know how it is. Overplayed, then you forget about it. Somehow, just as I needed it this week, it came back in my life. And I feel like this time around I spent more time really focusing on the lyrics and what the song means to me. I love songs that mean so many things to so many different people. I am so envious of artist who can write something that is inspiring to so many people in different ways, but all with the same medium.

What this song means to ME is a discussion with myself - helping me figure out who I am, how I should live my life, the fears and insecurities to leave behind, along with all of the untruths I was living with. The older you get, the more you see things clearly. On one hand it's scary that you know ten years from now you'll also see life differently. And ten years from then. But rather than focus on how I'll look at myself 10 years from now, I want to figure out what's true and important to me right now. And where I should go, and who I am, beyond what others want me to be.
 
Before I get into the lyrics, I knew this song for a long, long time before I saw the video. And when I saw the video I re-fell in love with the song. And when I watched it again this week, I fell in love all over again. I think I'm drawn to the "wedding singer" guys on the shore, obviously the energy of the main singer. But also the other guys. The older guy is the main singer's dad, which for some reason is really awesome to me. It's like you can see bits of their relationship, which I always love. I also always have this affliction with seeing the wisdom in older people. So those two playing off of each other for some reason is really inspiring to me. But beyond, that I love how the main guy closes his eyes and sings with everything he has. Like he's adamant that, "This is what I have to say, and you should listen. But even if you don't, I believe what I have to say. And I am compelled to let it out." I also love how they all get more into it as the energy of the song rises, and they all lose themselves in the music.
 
The actual band members, I feel like I'm most inspired when they're all singing the "I" parts, because you can tell they're belting it out.
 
I'm a soft-spoken person. I have a quiet voice. I tend to listen and understand before I speak. I'm hardly ever told I'm too loud. So I think I'm drawn to those moments that they just let go, let the music move them, and sing with everything they have. I feel like there's that person inside of me that wants to get out, but even in my moments alone, I can't figure out how to be that person. 
 
Beyond that, I find this song inspiring. I love the "I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways." I feel like I do draw strength in things like disappointment or letdown. Or when I feel like I'm not seen or heard, I never speak louder, I "speak" by doing. I work harder, and become more determined. I also draw strength from people saying something can't be done. And I find energy in figuring out what people really want beyond what they're saying they want, or finding ways to give them things they didn't think they could have. This is mostly at work, and mostly through the use of creative thinking and technology to get around limited resources. The really interesting thing is some people enjoy being victims and really don't want their problems solved. That can be an energy suck for me, but when there are people complaining who do want solutions, and you find a way to fix them? That's when it's all worth it! 
 
I like the verse about coming out of the cave walking on your hands because it's telling you to look at the world another way. I try to do that in general, and do it a lot at my work. I feel like people often feel boxed into a problem, and only see solutions in that little area, but I love finding a way to look at a problem differently and find solutions. I also am one of those masochists who reads comments on articles with polarizing topics. Often it just makes me angry, but I do that because I really want to understand all sides of an issue. I want to see things another way. It hardly ever makes me change my mind, but it does make me see the other side as human (sometimes, other times I just want to tell them to work on their issues becaue they've got 'em). 
 
I also really love the siren's call verse, talking about sing all you want, I will not hear what you say. This really speaks to me now with the miracles book, and with the negativity around me. Sing your negativity all you want, you're not going to draw me into the shore so I crash my ship (or however I'd say that, I can't remember that story specifically). I will not hear your negativity. I find myself shutting out the negativity, and I want to tell people they can scream it at me, but I don't hear it. 
 
And FINALLY, my favorite verse!

‘Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

 

I know it's meant to be the climax of the song, but where I'm at right now? I feel like this is exactly what's happening to me. I need freedom from my baggage I've been carryng for no reason, most of it self-made. I need independence from the need to control everything, from perfectionism, from lack of trust in others, from fear of being hurt or cheated or lied to or let down. I need to stop letting these things weigh me down and start living my life how it's meant to be. 

 

I know others have dissected the song much more eloquently. But more than where the meaning of the song comes from (which I have tried to read about), I wanted to take some time to write how it makes me feel - empowered. 

 

Plus, obviously, I need to learn to play the banjo. 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

I have been stuck on the body week of this miracles book for a week. I procrastinated starting it. I did one day, then hung out on that day for three days. What's up? I feel like it's one of two things:

 

1. I'm scared to get into it because I'm scared my issues will be revealed. (I'm not sure why this would scare me?)
2. I'm scared to get into it because I'm scared there won't be any new issues to reveal. I know why this scares me. Because, then what? 

It's like I want to get something out of it, but am scared I will and scared I won't. 

 

Today I started day 2, and don't feel a terrible amount of hope from change from either day. It's mostly a lot of self-talk, which I've been trying to do. Her approach is a little more immediate than stuff I've done in the past. I suppose that makes sense, they say when a child or small pet does something, you have to address the behavior immediately if you want real change. So her suggestion is right when you have a negative thought or compare yourself to another person or make a bad food choice (even if you don't know the reason), to take a breath and forgive yourself and say you choose love instead. Rather than reflecting on the day, that's a new approach. I'm not sure how much it has changed, honestly. She also has you doing meditations morning, midday and evening. So maybe just the sheer volume of forgiveness and acknowledgement of what's going on might be an improvement. I don't know. 

 

I did notice myself eating to eat this weekend. I was starving Saturday but yesterday I wasn't as hungry, and still found myself eating stuff because it was there or sounded good. I don't normally do that (since I feel like I'm ALWAYS hungry). But maybe I'm doing it more subtly? 

 

So far I've loved this book. And I DIDN'T buy it for weight loss, I bought it for an attitude shift for work, for being more positive with life in general, etc. So it's funny this chapter is having such an impact on me (as far as procrastinating goes). And overall the book has been so simple and fantastic for my attitude, and not intimidating or scary at all, I can't figure out what is bothering me. I'm tempted to read the rest of the week's stuff just to get over the 'fear of what's next." It's like I think there might be a revelation or something. 

 

I think part of me is worried it'll be simple, and I've been struggling this long and then have a simple fix. But the attitude shift was simple, too, and that doesn't bother me. Maybe because I haven't really cared as much what my attitude is. 

 

There's also a relationships chapter that feels a little overwhelming to consider. For those of you who know me, I'm NOT good with relationships. They tend to intimidate me and make me freak and run for the hills, which means I usually end up with the way wrong guys because the good picks don't stick around for that crap. I've been working subtly on identifying what type of person I do want so I don't waste my time with the wrong choices, or getting caught up in the "sale" of a guy, when I know he's wrong. But also, if a guy does come along that I am interested in and he has the traits most guys don't, so I don't panic and hit the eject button if he's also interested. 

 

Anyway, now that I say it, I'm going to go ahead and take a peek at the rest of the week. Just read ahead with understanding of what's to come, not to implement it all at once. 

 

There. A plan. I feel better.

 

Control freak, signing off. 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Food

It's been awhile since I checked in here with some of my "self" stuff. First, food's been a mess with more work stress. I'm trying to be more aware of it. But even being aware isn't working. I'm not sure what the solution is. It seems I've hardwired "stress means you deserve to eat" and need to fix that. I am NOT above finding a therapist for this since it's so hard to figure out how to undo. I'm sure a therapist would be all, "Just stop." But is that all they say to addicts? Not that food addiction is as hard as drug or alcohol addiction. But I know it's the same type of trigger-action thing. Only I can't just avoid all food. Anyway, nothing on that front. After the holidays my life should be less rushed, but that's when the new position at work starts, and I can't tell how much that's going to toss my life in the air. Hopefully minimally.

 

Toastmasters

This is actually going really well! I did my first speech, and got "best speech" (out of two speeches, but I'm trying not to minimize my successes). I've also done a handful of other jobs. I feel like the hardest job for me will be evaluator. I'm so bad at giving direct constructive criticism. I've had a few failures. But more successes than failures. I even volunteered to do a job a person normally doesn't do until later, and I messed up a few things, but overall did OK. So I'm considering that a win. Each week it challenges me in a new way, and while I feel like I walk away exhausted. But it's so fun to be in the line of fire and learning so much so quickly. Everyone in the group is very professional, but so, so, so supportive and encouraging. They're such good listeners, excellent at praising, and seem committed to everyone's success. Honestly, if there were a way to translate that to a work environment, it would be the best place in the world to work. Everyone does their job. People step up to help when there's a conflict. And no one ever complains. (But everyone admits it's kind of another "job" they don't do for fun.)

 

Lean In

This is going great as well. I continue to be an advocate for encouraging others to start up a circle if you have the opportunity at work or in your professional life. We've instated a "this is Vegas" rule - whatever happens in the group stays in the group. (Only unlike Vegas it really does.) For a work circle, that's super-important. For a more personal group, maybe less so. But there's so much sharing about frustrations with bosses, co-workers, spouses, etc. And they're all things we all relate to. And the "listen to understand don't listen to respond" has made me approach EVERYTHING differently. Although I'm definitely in a "JUST FREAKING LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND!" phase right now - dealing with others NOT in the group. Haha. It's funny how that's such a thing. But you can tell that point when someone stops listening because they know what they want to say. I know I was that person before, and probably still am now.

 

The BIGGEST development for me has been the strangest revelation. Week two was "meaning" and there was a video and some exercises tied to it. I won't go into those details, but the tl;dr is you figure out what gives you energy or was how you spent your time when you were happiest or lost track of time. Strangely (seriously, those of you you know me), mine came back as almost all social stuff. I have always said, "I'm a hermit and I'm perfectly happy alone." I truly do mean that. I don't sit at home and wish I were doing something outside the house. I can sit in silence in my house and read. Or watch Netflix. Or cook for hours. Or do housework. Or shop alone. And even enjoy going to movies or out to dinner alone. But apparently these are all things I've learned because apparently time with friends and family is high up on my "happiness" scale. Not just meaningless time. But time with people who are supportive, encouraging, funny, etc. So I can't spend time with complainers. Or with people who are selfish. Or even force time with people I don't really care for. But spending time with people who are fun, hilarious, etc. That's apparently my sweet spot. I still need a "at the end of the night, I have a home base" I think. But after that meeting I told myself, "I guess I need to start doing more social stuff." And for some reason hosting was on the list of ideas. So I've decided to start hosting a regular dinner party. Invite 4-10 people. Make a huge meal. And hang out. I'll be able to figure out quickly who's more fun to host, and who not to invite again. And maybe as it becomes more regular, I'll want to do them more often or invite more people. I've actually done this on a super-small scale with two friends on and off the past few years. But with jobs and kids and spouses it's become more off than on, and is a huge chore to schedule. I intend to put out an open invite (giving early preference to those who have attended in the past that I want to invite back), and then make something totally new. I LOVE cooking, and really enjoy learning new things. I did a dinner once with a Land of Plenty cookbook, making a few courses. It turned out MOSTLY excellent (there was one total flop and one "meh" out of the I believe six or seven things I made). I had a pho night where I made broth from scratch and had eggrolls and mochi ice cream. I really enjoy the process of making something that seems intimidating. 

 

This party I'm making ramen. There are lots of parts of ramen. I've conquered the noodles easily. And I'm pretty versed in broth making. So hopefully it all comes together. I'm considering a few appetizers. And think I'll make Japanese cheesecake (which is a light cheesecake). 

 

And I'm already considering having a "pi party" in March. And I'm also using my new pasta roller to make a pasta dinner for my sisters and mom after our cookie exchange we're having the weekend before Christmas. I think the anticipation of "sharing" food with people is three-fold. First, I LOVE having a meal with people. I think it's such a fun time to talk and bond. Second, I show my love with food. A good meal you spend time on says "I love you" to me more than anything (thanks, Ma Squat!), and third, I get joy out of watching people enjoy my food. That sounds creepy, but my mom says that's part of the reason she likes cooking. My brother in law is one of the biggest complimenters. And I know she loves cooking for him. (I guess a take away is to be more praising. I do always tell her it's good, but maybe I should be way more vocal.) The other thing my mom says is she gets more pleasure out of cooking and hosting than eating, so often when she has get togethers, she spends more time on that than actually eating, and it's good for her to separate pleasure from food (which would also be good for me, probably). As a recipient of love through food, I think I associate food with happiness. But if I become a giver of love with food, maybe I'll "take" less from it, if that makes sense?

 

Anyway, so weird social was such a high occurrence for me. But I am so energized thinking of these upcoming parties. And spending the time perfecting pieces of my recipes. I had a run through with ramen last weekend. It turned out OK. And then Monday I made test crab rangoon. Also turned out OK. But the process is satisfying as long as I can say, "Next time I want to do this instead..."

 

Oh, I also have sort of taken another Lean Iner under my wing and am trying to mentor her a little bit. I'm sure she doesn't see me as a mentor. But apparently she's been begging for one, and she's very much a "victim" which I normally turn away from because I don't get that approach. But I've been trying to work with her to shift her perspectives, and give her a place to come to when she's frustrated or needs advice. Hopefully she's finding it beneficial. If not, at least I tried, and it's more than I'd normally do! 

 

Miracles Book

I'm STILL stuck on the body chapter. I'm about to just read the rest of the pages and move on to the next section. Something in me just isn't getting into that part. If I can't get into the next parts, either, I might just go back and use the first and second weeks and that'll be a takeaway from the book. The best things I've gotten from the book is:

 

• Being grateful - stopping and thinking on a subject about all of the things I'm grateful. Hardly new, but when something's negative, think about what I'm grateful for instead. I've tried to do this with my body, even. 
• Realizing most negativity comes from fear - If I'm feeling negative (it feels heavy when I feel that way now), I stop and ask what I'm afraid of. Sometimes identifying that fear to myself takes the power from the fear. If that's not enough, I try to work through the fear enough to communicate it to my boss, my mom, whoever I'm talking to. Somtimes telling others is enough. And if that doesn't work, I go back to the gratitude. Or I even say, "I recognize this fear and forgive myself for being afraid." That doesn't make the fear go away, but usually it eases the burden enough to be less negative.
• I have also approached others in new ways - not letting them pull me into their negativity has been huge. 
• Celebrating miracles! Whatever the "miracle" is. I loosely define it as anything good and especially the book's definition: a shift in perspective. Shifting from fear to gratitude or forgiveness or avoiding others' negativity. Whatever it is, I celebrate it. And I feel like the more I celebrate the small or big things, the more the good things keep happening. (The truth is they probably were all along. But I feel like I have an over-abundance of things to be thankful for.)

 

I know that was a lot to read. If you read it, thank you! (And I'll count you as a little miracle today! HAHA!) If you didn't, that's perfectly fine, too. Writing stuff like this has turned into another way for me to celebrate what I've done, how I've grown, and to show gratitude. I'm so thankful for Nerd Fitness and having such a strong, encouraging, supportive forum to share stuff like this and know, read or not, I have a place I can freely and safely share! 

[Hermione Gainser]

Man, what an update.  And seriously, I've said this before, but I'll say it again.  Are we twins? I think we are.

 

Food

If you find a therapist that says that then you know they are not worth their salt (that saying is weird. am i misusing it? anway...).  I can pretty much tell you what my therapist would say (if I were posing this question) initially and then things would be BOOM! Mind blown!  So yeah, if that's something you're interested in I am sure a good therapist could actually help. And yeah, it's something I've thought about getting into, too.  I'm on a therapy hiatus right now otherwise I think I would. 

 

Toastmasters

I'm so excited for you with this! And proud! (though it always feels weird to tell my friends I'm proud of them... for some reason it sounds condescending in my head but it's totally not like that). And inspiring! You almost make me want to do this... which is saying something since public speaking is my number one 'aww hell naw' thing.  And heck yes to counting wins! 1 out 2 is still #1! Way to go!

 

Lean In

And here's where we're definitely twins.  i had that realization, about the social stuff, last weekend.  I was all kinds of exhausted after work and ended up cancelling on Max Power again (who was in town with his mrs) because I had made a plan to go to a friend's ugly sweater party. And since having friends here is something I'm actively working on I made myself go and said, "Self, you'll stay for an hour and leave."  HA. yeah. no. I stayed for many hours and only left when I realized what time it was (and that work was coming in 5 short hours). But I had so much fun.  And the next night, I wanted more! More! More social activities! 

 

And totally hear you on the food thing. I love to cook. And I food is a love thing for me, too.  I buy or make food for people as a sign of love and affection. 

 

I don't do the hosting thing well... or maybe I would with the right people? 

 

One of these days I'm going to show up to one of your dinners and be all like

 

 

Miracles book

A lot of this stuff is stuff I learned or realized during therapy or as a result of therapy. So, it's pretty cool that you got the same lessons from a book. IMO, that means the book has to be pretty good, ya know?

 

and damn, now I want pho.  HMMM.

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Man, what an update.  And seriously, I've said this before, but I'll say it again.  Are we twins? I think we are.

 

Food

If you find a therapist that says that then you know they are not worth their salt (that saying is weird. am i misusing it? anway...).  I can pretty much tell you what my therapist would say (if I were posing this question) initially and then things would be BOOM! Mind blown!  So yeah, if that's something you're interested in I am sure a good therapist could actually help. And yeah, it's something I've thought about getting into, too.  I'm on a therapy hiatus right now otherwise I think I would. 

 

Toastmasters

I'm so excited for you with this! And proud! (though it always feels weird to tell my friends I'm proud of them... for some reason it sounds condescending in my head but it's totally not like that). And inspiring! You almost make me want to do this... which is saying something since public speaking is my number one 'aww hell naw' thing.  And heck yes to counting wins! 1 out 2 is still #1! Way to go!

 

Lean In

And here's where we're definitely twins.  i had that realization, about the social stuff, last weekend.  I was all kinds of exhausted after work and ended up cancelling on Max Power again (who was in town with his mrs) because I had made a plan to go to a friend's ugly sweater party. And since having friends here is something I'm actively working on I made myself go and said, "Self, you'll stay for an hour and leave."  HA. yeah. no. I stayed for many hours and only left when I realized what time it was (and that work was coming in 5 short hours). But I had so much fun.  And the next night, I wanted more! More! More social activities! 

 

And totally hear you on the food thing. I love to cook. And I food is a love thing for me, too.  I buy or make food for people as a sign of love and affection. 

 

I don't do the hosting thing well... or maybe I would with the right people? 

 

One of these days I'm going to show up to one of your dinners and be all like

 

 

Miracles book

A lot of this stuff is stuff I learned or realized during therapy or as a result of therapy. So, it's pretty cool that you got the same lessons from a book. IMO, that means the book has to be pretty good, ya know?

 

and damn, now I want pho.  HMMM.

 

I say that about the therapist because I went to one I really liked, but that's sort of what she said to me. "So if you're aware of it, what happens when you tell yourself you're not going to do it?" Me: "At the moment I don't care." Her: "But what if you say, "Just this once I care."" I felt like I was losing a battle of logic. 

 

But you're right, she's not the only therapist, and maybe I downgrade the struggle. She said, "Your response sounds really normal, and you're not binge eating. And your calorie intake for the day isn't outside of what you want to achieve." All true. So maybe I'm pointing my finger at one little thing, and like all of the other little things, even if I "fixed" it, it woudln't bring me the result I want (weight loss),

 

Ugh. 

 

I'm trying IIFYM again. I feel pretty helpless at this point. I go back and forth between caring. On one hand, I could weigh a lot more. On the other, my blood pressure is higher than I'd like it to be (on the high end of normal, even tipping just above the high end - 130s over 80s/90s. 

 

I still think most of this started with adrenal fatigue after working 80-100+ hours a week while going to grad school full time. I lived on fast food and drank multiple energy drinks a day. A coworker and I also used diet pills when we were dragging and caffeine didn't do it. The progress I have made:

 

• Before waking up 15ish times a night. Now I wake if there's noise. To go to the bathroom. Or if I'm super-stressed or sick I'll have restless sleep. 
• Before I'd lay in bed for HOURS before I'd fall asleep. Feeling helpless and frustrated. Now: I do that occasionally. But most nights I'm asleep in less than an hour. 
• I used to get super-tired in the afternoons. Now I breeze through the afternoons. 
• My attitude is SO MUCH better. I used to feel depressed and ragey. Now I feel mostly positive (I still have my days, but I assume everyone does?).

 

Things I still struggle with:

• Getting in bed on time. (I blame poor planning most nights. I think of all this stuff I need to do right before bed.)
• Feeling awake when I wake up. Although, these days it happens faster and my head clears better. But I still really struggle. 
• Left to my own devices, I fall into a pattern of falling asleep around 2-4AM and waking up at 10AM-noon. It only take 3 days off before this happens.
• I do still often feel a kick in energy in the evenings. 

 

Anyway, my weight gain happened during this time and my loss stalled when all of this happened. (I had gained and lost weight twice before this. And those losses required focus, but were super-easy compared to this.)

 

Anywho, I'm trying to decide if I'm just looking for a cause. I am using some essential oils that are supposed to support adrenal fatigue recovery. And I'm still drinking salt water when I think of it (about 30% of the time). When I am short on sleep, I do try to catch up. 

 

 

 

 

As for Toastmasters, I think most people who go share the, "Um, I'd rather die than speak in public." I'm one of them. Although I might rank my fear of vomit and death above public speaking. Others in the room have bigger phobias. And everyone is so open about the fear and so supportive and encouraging, sharing what helped. 

 

 

And finally, dinner parties. I'm having such a good time preparing! I hope people show up. I have some flaky friends sometimes. I'll be mad if I prepare for all of these people (including buying dishes) and then only 3 people show up. 

[PrincessHeather]

Ugh, the sleep thing gets me too. I always feel like there's a million things to do, and don't want to ever put them off when I have that random energy surge at 9 or 1pm. So I'm up an extra two hours cleaning, and then I'm wound up and can't fall asleep straight away.

 

Even with my goal this challenge, I'm still forgetting my magnesium supps and/or spray and just sucking at sleeping in general, which makes a lot of other stuff suck too.

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Ugh, the sleep thing gets me too. I always feel like there's a million things to do, and don't want to ever put them off when I have that random energy surge at 9 or 1pm. So I'm up an extra two hours cleaning, and then I'm wound up and can't fall asleep straight away.

 

Even with my goal this challenge, I'm still forgetting my magnesium supps and/or spray and just sucking at sleeping in general, which makes a lot of other stuff suck too.

 

Magnesium has never helped me fall asleep. I had two or three glorious days with melatonin. Then my body wanted MORE, MORE, MORE. And it never helped after that. Anyway, that's why I don't bother with supplements. And I am in the habit of getting around for bed around 9:30 or 10 now, so that's progress. But I'm like you, surge of energy, so much to do, and then I have to admit defeat of a not-so-well planned day.  

 

I say this in all seriousness, maybe our bodies are meant to be on a later clock? I feel like I've been trying so hard to be an early bird, and randomly the other day I thought, "Why am I setting my alarm for 5:30 AM? Why not set it for 7:45, get to work later, leave work later, workout after work?" I have the luxury of going in to work during a decent window (7AM-9AM are accepted start times). But, really, with that flexibility, maybe I'm better off admitting defeat. Then I don't feel bad about later workouts. There are nights I'm like, "It's 8:15, by the time I workout and shower it'll be almost 10:00 and I won't be nearly ready for bed!" So I don't workout. But if my new goal is to be in bed by 11 or 11:30, asleep by midnight, maybe my body would be happier, and I wouldn't shun later workouts.

 

Who knows. I'm afraid if I give a little, my body will want to keep going and going later and later. 

 

 

 

---------------

 

I FINALLY FINISHED THE BODY CHAPTER IN MY MIRACLES BOOK!

 

It's a freaking Christmas miracle. Now that it's done, I actually feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. So I know I was dreading reading it, but scared to, but didn't want to, but didn't want to give up. 

 

I decided it was two things:

 

1. I was scared that I was putting hope in the book, and the book would be a letdown when it didn't help or reveal anything.

2. I was maybe more scared the book WOULD find a problem, and that problem would be me. And my wheel-spinning was all my doing. 

 

Either way, what was worth worrying about? Whether I'm aware or not, things are the way they are. Right?

 

It's a bit of a combo of the two. No big revelations. But not really a letdown, either. But also not anything glaring I'm doing wrong. I've been working on body image for so long now (Thanks, Beauty Redefined, and thanks Ma and Pa Squat - I realize my body issues are a scratch on the surface of what many people are dealing with, and feel guilty even having ever tried to pretend to relate). 

 

The one thing I couldn't wrap my head around was she kept saying you need to accept the purpose of your body - to be a messenger of love. I just couldn't quite get it. And for some reason never tried to google it. I think because I normally read my book in my bedroom, low light, diffuser running, no noise or distraction, no computer or iPad. But today I finally said, "Screw it." And googled it. Here's what it means. 

 

We aren't human bodies in a spiritual world. We're spiritual beings in a human body/world. Something like that. So shift who you are from what you look like to WHO you are. Already something I sort of did, but I do shift into that "this is coming from the brain" scientific/logical approach. But mostly, I do believe who we are is on the inside (even if it is run by the brain). So that's easy enough.

 

But what she's saying is we have bodies so we can give love. We can show it through speaking or touch. We can see it in others. And see it in the world. We can share and do and give through our physical bodies. And suddenly it clicked for me. I'm not sure it shifted much, but I suddenly saw me as two separate things (maybe I've split now and I need therapy!). That I am who I am, and the only reason I have a body is to DO things. To hug, and to listen, and to say kind things, and to give of myself, and to appreciate, and to look people in the eye, and to connect through experiences. It's like I'm a spiritual being, but we need the physical to connect with one another. We need to have bodies to do things. I feel like I'm not making sense. But it did shift my perspective.

 

It did not, however, give me anything to hold on to for stress eating. Or that seems like a real thing for weight loss. But maybe over time I'll continue to shift and I'll feel less stress. I'm getting better at expressing stress and fear to others. And communicating when I need support. And seeing things nore positively, which makes things feel less overwhelming. So maybe seeing the bigger picture more often will actually reduce the 'OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING AND IT'S ALL OVER I'M DOOMED TO FAIL AND WILL GET FIRED!" to "This is a lot to handle, but I can do it. I'll just start here. ANd if I can't do everything, I'll just figure out what I can do." 

 

I am taking the last two weeks of the year off. I've been communicating that to EVERYONE I'm working with. Multiple times. People have even started to tell me, "You already told me. Stop bragging." But I really wanted them to feel prepared that I'm NOT going to be at work so they can use me now. I have had one person say, "WHAT? I need you to do stuff before the end of the year!!!" And that stressed me. But I remember telling her specifically on at least two occasions. Maybe three. But for sure two. I think me saying, "I'm out the weeks of Christmas and New Years" seems a lot farther away than, "This is my last week of the year." But she's really unorganized and I kept pushing her to move forward with my stuff. Then last week she said she was waiting until the end of January, so I stopped pushing her. Then today she wants it all done this month. Sigh. I should give her my book next! She's very positive, but SO unorganized, and all over the place. She needs some focus or something. 

 

Anywho, week 4 is relationships. This one terrifies me because I've been single practically my whole life. The few romantic relationships I've had have been failures. And I'm sure i'm the cause of it. I struggle to open up. And tend to get frustrated with people but hide it really well. I've had two or three good friends I've just dropped because I couldn't take them anymore. And they had no idea it was coming, but I felt like i was a bomb ready to detonate with one more thing. So clearly I dont' communicate my frustrations well. And I expect people to be like me, when they're not (and dating me would be boring). I know this will carry over to ALL relationships. But I really do pretty well with friendships and family and whatnot. So maybe I won't get enough out of this. Or maybe it'll be awesome. The not caring part is pretty freeing! 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

Oh, she had this quote at the end of the chapter: 

 

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." -Thich Nhat Hanh

 

So true. SO TRUE! Maybe not relating to bodies, but I know I feel that way with work, with some friendships that are toxic and self-absorbed, and even with my house I'm living in. But I'm sure it relates to bodies, too. 

[Hermione Gainser]

I don't think it's defeat to admit you're not an early bird.  Us early bird people get all kinds of praise but I don't think it's anything special.  I think it's important to listen to your body in all things. So if your body wants to set its clock to different hours, but are hours you can absolutely fit into your schedule, then I think you should go for it.  Worse case scenario: you try it and it doesn't work out the way you hoped. You know you can always go back to trying to get up at 530.  

 

That quote. So true.  So, so true. 

 

Hmm, who knows. Maybe I'll venture out into the toastmasters world.  

 

Our relationship:  Squatcake tries things!  Hermy watches.  Squatcake is all wooo! Hermy thinks.  squatcake moves on. Hermy says, "Yup, I need to try that." 

 

So, uh, keep being awesome. 

[raptron]

I am also in the night owl camp. I can't even work out in the morning when I try (exception being something not super coordination intensive like running/stadium stairs with November Project). Body parts don't even wanna do what they're told.

 

I think the thoughts about the function of bodies are good ones. The carrier of the physical expressions of what we feel and think. Hmm. I do like that.

[PrincessHeather]

Oh, she had this quote at the end of the chapter: 

 

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." -Thich Nhat Hanh

 

So true. SO TRUE! Maybe not relating to bodies, but I know I feel that way with work, with some friendships that are toxic and self-absorbed, and even with my house I'm living in. But I'm sure it relates to bodies, too. 

 

Fun fact... PrincessHeather once went to a buddhist monastery for a weekend of meditation in college. It was founded by Thich Nhat Hahn, and was sublime, except for the forced vegetarianism.

 

I agree with your thoughts on the early bird/night owl thing. I have always preferred a pushed back schedule, and I agree with HG on taking advantage of your flexibility and trying to shift your schedule and see if you feel better. I think I would thrive if I could wake up naturally everyday, but that's not realistic for me right now. Or maybe ever. I need a job I can work from home or something. Blah.

[Strawberry Squatcake]

I don't think I'll be around much for the next challenge (although I hope to stalk some threads!), but wanted to give myself some markers for where I am so I can check in at intervals. 

 

Long term goals:

 

1. Get back to working out 3-5 times a week. I'd love to be able to do a hard lifting session, go for a run, do yoga, go for a long walk, whatever. Not feel limited by my body. Right now I'd say I do 1-2 workouts/week (not including walking which I probably do 1-3X, depending on weather). Lifting is very limited. I can only run one stint in a 20 minute period or I feel awful the next day. Any improvement here, please! 

2. Lose weight. As much as I hate myself for NEEDING it, I NEED to lose weight. I don't have a weight loss goal. I just want to be able to start to see the trend downward.I know this may come last. But it's still on the radar. 

3. Sleep - I want to be sleeping 8 hours a night, regularly. I'd love to be a person who crawls into bed and falls asleep immediately. Right now I'm getting 6-7 hours 1, maybe 2 nights a week. Otherwise, 8+. YAY! I'd like to not have those nights where I can't sleep for some reason. Keep looking at what might be causing that or find ways to work around it. 

4. Attitude- Keep working on attitude. I bought a "relationship" guided meditation package. So I'll be going through that to be more open to people (and maybe one day dating). There's a long story involved in this one, but for now, I'll just say: Relationships freak me out. I love being single. Everyone seems to think I'm lying to myself. But I genuinely see all the stuff I'd have to give up, for a CHANCE that maybe someone else will bring something to my life. But in my mind, even in the best scenario, that someone else doesn't bring as much as I'd be giving up... Screwed up, right? I do know I don't give men a chance, and am all, "Meh. Moving on" at the first sign he's not the right one. I do it almost without feeling. But I feel like I do it quickly so there's no attachment on either side... Anyway, I definitely could be more open, even if I'd still reject the guys I'm rejecting now. Overall, I know I form opinions quickly. Unrelated: I'm still working on work attitude. I've made so much progress here, I feel happy with where I'm at. But am sure i could improve more. And in my friendships and personal life (outside of men), I'm working on speaking authentically (voicing how I REALLY feel without hurting someone else), and honestly. And also being more "lovey" with my nieces and nephews. 

5. Food- My goal is to eat more healthy than unhealthy. To make most of my meals, but be OK with eating out occasionally or having snacks/treats with friends and family. What I'd like to do less: Eat out because my life is poorly planned. Eating junk as a form of comfort on a bad day. Even if I'm not over-eating or anything liek that, I'd like to get away from food as comfort. I also use food/alcohol for celebrations. I care less about changing that right now because I think my "bad days" happen more often than the big celebrations. (I put 'bad days' in quotes because right now a 'bad day' is usually a crazy work day and I'm exhausted.)

6. Public speaking and Lean In - Still working on improving public speaking. And I'm approaching HR about expanding the Lean In thing. These are things I've gotten so much out of in such a short time! Not sure where I want them to go, other than to grow and flourish! 

 

That's it! We'll see where I'm at the next time I check in. (Probably improving a bunch of other stuff. Ha!)

[Alanna]

Great goals! I'll be following along here .

[Morrigainz]

SFAM <3

Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

[MasterOfCows]

Everyone seems to think I'm lying to myself. But I genuinely see all the stuff I'd have to give up, for a CHANCE that maybe someone else will bring something to my life. But in my mind, even in the best scenario, that someone else doesn't bring as much as I'd be giving up... Screwed up, right? 

 

I don't think it's screwed up.  It's EXACTLY how I feel about kids.  And it annoys me how everyone automatically assumes I'm going to change my mind at some point.  I'm not.  I like our life now and I don't want to change it.

I wouldn't give TheBuddy up for the world - but I'll freely admit, I don't feel like I've had to give up anything to be with him. I'd say, if anything, he's had to give up stuff to be with me.  Maybe you can be spoiled like me someday

[CourtnieMarie]

I don't think it's screwed up. It's EXACTLY how I feel about kids. And it annoys me how everyone automatically assumes I'm going to change my mind at some point. I'm not. I like our life now and I don't want to change it.

I wouldn't give TheBuddy up for the world - but I'll freely admit, I don't feel like I've had to give up anything to be with him. I'd say, if anything, he's had to give up stuff to be with me. Maybe you can be spoiled like me someday

I agree on all counts! Also don't want kids for the same reasons and that I want to travel. Also don't feel like I gave up much to be with the SO. but I recognize that I totally could have it just didn't feel like it (or they were good changes). I don't want to say relationships aren't about compromise because they definitely are typically. But, like MoC, I don't think you're screwed up for thinking like that! Just don't lose hope either if you want to share your life with someone [emoji4]

[Strawberry Squatcake]

I'm baaaack! Posting from my phone, sitting in the middle of a mess. I'm packing. And not because I'm moving. but I'm hopeful the universe will respond if I push that direction.

What else is new? I am on a "diet" for the first time.in a few years. By diet I mean km watching nutrient intake and trying to stay below 1900 calories. Not sure why I chose that number. And if I eat well and am still hungry, I eat more.

To ease into it and see how my AF responds, I've been only walking so far. I reallllly miss lifting now that its cooling off. Fall is usually the season of changes for me, so this isn't unusual. I actually had the urge to run today, but held back.

Eating has been weird. The latest revelation I had is how little potassium I get because I avoid things like potatoes and bananas. But no fruits or veggies are off limits now. And I'm trying to vary them and meat intake so it isn't all chicken or beef or pork.

My weight has been settled at the highest number I've ever seen. And my blood pressure isn't in a great place. I also feel so out of shape. So getting started is such a struggle. However, I'm staying fairly positive.

Work is work. So busy I want to cry. But I've been setting boundaries around stuff and people are mostly responding well. I could really, really, really use some time off. But that's not happening until Thanksgiving.

I've been doing yoga once a week. But I'm still anti-bendy. Toastmasters is still a thing and I just passed my one year anniversary. Lean In also passed the one year mark. Oh! And they just implemented a sabbatical at my work! That means in 2016 or 2017 I get a whole month straight off. Part of me just wants the month off and to lounge at home. The other part wants to travel. If I buy a house that needs work, it is likely I'll take the time off to coordinate that.

Other than that, not much new with me. Life is still a mess. I still make broth and ham, bacon and sausage. And I've found a group of friends that get together once or so a.month to have dinner parties and play cards. Life is pretty good!

When I'm.not on my phone, I'll start stalking everyone else.

Goals by EOY: lose ANYTHING. anyone who knows my struggle it has been no matter what, the weight never drops. Ifni could even see 5 lbs to feel encouraged, I'd love to. I'd.love to drop 20lbs by eoy if I start losing.

Get back to lifting! Not sure what this means. But I've not.lifted a weight since spring. Even some.ole 5lb dumbbells would be an improvement!

And finally, stay connected with mah nerds. <3

[Alanna]

 

Glad to have you back!

[raptron]

MISSED YOU, BOO!

[MasterOfCows]

Thanks for the update.  We missed you around here.