cn3wton, Battle log of Ages

[cn3wton]

So I have a story/realization that I want to share that I don't know if I ever will be able to vocalize so I want to share it here. I want to start out with saying that I love my mom. She is supportive and has only the best intentions. She's gone above and beyond for me forever.

 

But she did something a few years ago that hurt more than I think she or I realized at the time.

 

Christmas day has always been celebrated with her side of the family. My dads side does thanksgivings day. Every year Christmas is (pre Covid) at a different house. My mom is a bit of a hoarder. She buys tons of stuff, goes to shows and gets free stuff and keeps it. So whenever the family gets together she fills multiple boxes with things to give away to the family. Things she never really wanted in the first place.

 

At this point it had been 2 years or so since I stopped crossfit and had gained enough weight that none of my old clothes fit anymore. Somehow she found some of my clothing from when I went to the gym. A hoodie branded with the gym I went to that was my absolutely favorite hoodie. A shirt that I got when I competed in a crossfit competition. A shirt from when I helped out at a strongman competition. I was proud of those shirts. I earned those shirts with literal blood and sweat. And she just gave them away. She didn't even think to ask if I was ok with it until my cousins where trying them on. I was mortified and so embarrassed. To me those where the last thing that showed that I had done those things. The last thing I had from that achievement. 

 

To me that meant that in my moms eyes I would never be that size again.

 

I never realized how much that hurt until now.

[Elastigirl]

I'm sorry that happened .maybe it would help to talk to your mom about it. I can see why that was painful for you. Your mom should have asked you before she gave it away.  Chances are she didn't realize the emotional attachment you had to it. She most likely wasn't thinking, Oh he will never go the gym again, and won't be that size, she was just thinking you hadn't worn it  for a while, and she got carried away in giving away stuff.  Which is still hurtful, and I see why it bothers you.

[cn3wton]

27 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

I'm sorry that happened .maybe it would help to talk to your mom about it. I can see why that was painful for you. Your mom should have asked you before she gave it away.  Chances are she didn't realize the emotional attachment you had to it. She most likely wasn't thinking, Oh he will never go the gym again, and won't be that size, she was just thinking you hadn't worn it  for a while, and she got carried away in giving away stuff.  Which is still hurtful, and I see why it bothers you.

Thank you, and I can guarantee you that is what she was actually thinking. you are right I think I should probably talk to her about it sometime.

[Elastigirl]

30 minutes ago, cn3wton said:

nd I can guarantee you that is what she was actually thinking

I'm sorry to hear that. It makes me sad and angry that she would think that. I hope you know that it is not true.You can do the hard work, you will be that size again.

[DarK_RaideR]

Moms can be like that, willingly or subconsciously shaping kids they way they want them to be by acting like that with their clothing. In my teens, my mom would regularly throw away t-shirts she didn't like (mainly those of heavy metal bands, but a Prodigy one fell victim to her too) and then act like she had no idea when I'd ask her where the clothes went. I know my gf's mom did and still does that.

[cn3wton]

21 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I'm sorry to hear that. It makes me sad and angry that she would think that. I hope you know that it is not true.You can do the hard work, you will be that size again.

Thank you for the kind words! 

 

20 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Moms can be like that, willingly or subconsciously shaping kids they way they want them to be by acting like that with their clothing. In my teens, my mom would regularly throw away t-shirts she didn't like (mainly those of heavy metal bands, but a Prodigy one fell victim to her too) and then act like she had no idea when I'd ask her where the clothes went. I know my gf's mom did and still does that.

 

So I think my mom has always wanted me to be healthier but it also scared her a bit. She always worried I would get "too fit". 

 

Again I think this all paints her in a bit of a bad light. My mom would never do or say anything she knew would hurt me. 

[cn3wton]

Today the scale was far kinder to me. It is showing a continued loss and I am now at 14.9lbs down (lets call it 15!)

 

Last night I had a delicious dinner which was zucchini "pizza rolls". Basically chop the ends off a zucchini, cut in half, then cut in half again length wise. Put oil and seasoning on top. Then mozzarella cheese, a slice of tomato, and a bit more cheese along with any "toppings" you want. I want with a bit of bacon, jalapenos, onion, and bell peppers.

 

They where really really good! Learned a lot the first time making these to make them better. For instance making the back side flat so they don't roll and have all the toppings slide off. The first attempt wasn't out of this world amazing but I think they can get even better. We talked about trying to make something like zucchini lasagna!

 

Tonight is another night of DDPY that I am very excited for. A busy weekend but the big thing is getting my 2nd COVID shot. I am hoping for no side affects but we will see. 

[cn3wton]

Today I am down 16.4lbs from when I started! I can't be happier with that progress! I am feeling better and better every day. And I am hooked on DDPY.

 

I tracked all weekend but did loosen up on what I allowed myself to have. Saturday was my Godsons party. I got a sub beforehand so I wouldn't binge on junk. I had 1.5squares of cheese pizza (far less than a slice) some greens and waited for cake. I ended up having a slice of cake AND a cupcake. I should have just picked one. I definitely overate. Saturday nights are generally when my parents and I go out to dinner. But since I had the 2nd vaccine I didn't want to risk going out so I stayed home and so did my dad. My mom was supposed to pick us up dinner but didn't get home till much later. At that point I still wasn't hungry so I just decided not to eat dinner.

 

Sunday I was extremely tired with moderate muscle soreness from the vaccine but thankfully none of the worst side effects. It took me a few minutes to get up. My Dad came down to finish up our stair project in my garage, so I went and helped how I could. I was committed to taking Sunday easy to get some rest... That didnt happen. After finishing the stair project (railing and wall to prevent someone from falling from the upstairs) I started dissembling my grandfathers workbench. I am going to strip and refinish the whole thing. I will post pictures when its done but I will give a general breakdown of the idea.

 

There where random screws/nails imbedded in it. I want to plane and sand everything down to wood. Then finish it with a clear poly. However the surface has seen much use and unless I make the workbench too thin there is no way to make it fully level. SO I am going to fill those holes/gouges with resin. Its cool because the marks my grandfather put into the bench will still be there. I may even drive the random screws/nails back into it too. I want to make a little engraved plaque that says "Made by" With my grandfathers thumbprint and signature (we have both). The bench itself isn't made out of any special materials but it has that sentimental value to it.

 

To do this I had to deconstruct everything. Because I want to save all the original hardware and reuse it it was a long process. There where edging strips that where ruined which I had to remove and will have to replace. So I removed these strips first. I went and bought a hand plane, chisels, a wrench set, and an awl to dig out the metal from the surface. The blade on a plane is very fine and any metal will instantly ruin it. So I spent time prying out the metal with as little damage to the surface as possible. 

 

With the metal removed I attempted to use this cheap hand plane I got from harbor freight. I spent about 10 minutes with it before jumping back in the car to go to lowes to get the battery powered one that matches my set of tools. It works amazing. However on one of the boards I missed some metal that was concealed beneath the paint. Sparks went everywhere and a ground up nail shot out piping hot. I inspected the damage and sure enough there was a huge chip on every single blade. The blades are reversible and replaceable. But I was not happy. I decided to leave it as it is because I will belt sand it to finish it off anyways. 

 

Its going to take longer to get it to a finished state, but I think its an awesome tribute and I am excited to work on it. I will be sure to post photos here when its done!

[cn3wton]

So the workbench project is going to be a long long project. I want to do it right. So I am thinking about building a temporary top for the workbench so I'm not pressured to rush it. Last night I went to sand it. Humidity was so high in the garage that I was sanding with a belt sander and it coming out with wet sawdust! Tried the orbital sander and it broke. So it was not my night with that project.

 

We started demo on the house to expand the bathroom. Found a bunch of black mold which is great but not unexpected. So that will have to be dealt with.

 

I was feeling a bit down this morning about my weight loss progress. I'm down about 17lbs in 3 weeks. And for some reason that doesn't feel like its "enough" to me. I know that's ridiculous. But I just felt that way this morning. Just something that I had to face and push back down and be like "I've lost 17 lbs and feeling great." But still had to acknowledge the feeling.

 

Made a delicious salad for lunch. Same as the salad I made last week. But I will say the original recipe calls for peaches on it and it made all the difference. It was absolutely delicious. I did exactly this and would highly recommend it.

Get 1 prepackaged spring mix salad mix. Open container.

Using your hands grasp the lettuce and rip it into tiny peices (wash your hands 5 times out of paranoia due to covid then use an entire container of hand sanitizer beforehand. Make sure hand sanitizer is dry before grabbing lettuce.)

Put peaches in the center on top of the lettuce using the container as a bowl.

Drop raspberries and blueberries around the edges of the salad.

Cut 1 whole lemon in half and squeeze the shit out of it all over the lettuce.

Pour about 2 tbsp or less of cold pressed oil on top.

Grind sea salt and pepper on top.

DO NOT MIX THE SALAD. MIXING THE SALAD IS NOT WORTH IT BECAUSE THE GOOD STUFF IS HARDER TO GET TO.

 

Enjoy.

 

I also learned the market I have been getting these ingredients from has rotisserie chickens. So thats tomorrows lunch!

 

 

[cn3wton]

Last night was the second time doing Stand Strong II of DDPY. It was awesome. I didn't ever believe that the heart rate monitor could be all that helpful but man oh man it has changed everything. I find myself watching my heart rate and trying harder and harder to keep it in the "green zone". I am feeling better in so many ways since starting DDPY and eating right. Getting in and out of my car is getting easier. Walking up the stairs to my office is generally easy unless I'm sore from a workout! Even my friend said hes out of breathe noticeably less!

 

Today I am going to get a rotisserie chicken for lunch. Ill eat 1/4" of it or so then try to give it away. I feel a bit guilty because I don't like the rotisserie chickens reheated so I gotta find a way to use it up.

 

Im thinking of stopping at a restaurant I havent gone to since I was healthy for dinner. They serve bone broth bowls. 

 

I finally get my hair cut tonight.

[cn3wton]

As of this morning I am down 19 lbs in 17 days. I am extremely pleased with the results so far. I feel as though 20lbs is going to be a turning point for me. I don't quite know why. I think maybe it is because I have tried to lose weight many times in the past few years since gaining weight and never passed 20lbs down. Always down then up etc. 

 

The program I am on now feels normal now. Its a very strange feeling. You could tell me I have been doing this for months and I would believe you. It feels so normal which is a really good thing and is super helpful to staying on track.

 

Tonight we have a meeting for my business then we are going to our favorite restaraunt. I have already alloted the calories for the meal and am excited for it. Then I am doing the last workout for this week of DDPY. I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger and I am so glad I went with it! I've only subbed to it for like 4 or 5 years now HAHA!

 

Onward and upward!

 

[Shello]

1 hour ago, cn3wton said:

The program I am on now feels normal now. Its a very strange feeling. You could tell me I have been doing this for months and I would believe you. It feels so normal which is a really good thing and is super helpful to staying on track.

Awesome progress!  This is a really great indicator of long term success if it feels like this is your normal life now.  

[deftona]

Well done on the weight loss and the consistency! You're doing excellently! 

[cn3wton]

This past weekend was ok calorie wise but food choices where poor. I need to get something for the weekends to have options. That was the main detriment to the weekends food choices.

 

This morning I woke up a bit heavier but that's ok. Wednesday marks 3 weeks and I am hopefully going to pass 20 lbs. So thats what? 6-7 ish lbs a week. That's not bad. I know this past few days have not been the best but that's okay. The big thing I messed up was running out of my prescriptions and missing my pills over the weekend. So my allergies and acid reflux are coming back. Meaning I had some serious nausea this morning.

 

I am not gonna let the weekend get me down. Tonight is DDPY. I had some of a rotisserie chicken for lunch. Dinner will be chipotle bowl or maybe a salad from subway.

 

 

[cn3wton]

I have recovered from the weekend quite well. I did miss my first DDPY workout since starting. I am trying not to let it get me down. I didn't avoid doing it. I simply was so busy after work with the business that we did not have time to work out. I told my friend that no matter what tonight we are going to do the workout.

 

Food has been pretty good so far this week. I was craving fried something today though. I was reviewing some options and my mind kept making those leaps. "Oh its only one meal, its one thing" etc. I squashed that. I got a chicken breast patty and fried cauliflower. I know that fried cauliflower is not necessarily the healthiest option. But it knocked out that craving and was delicious. I don't know if its any healthier than something like fries but I do feel like it was a mindful choice. I got the small side and according to LoseIt I think it was about 200-300 calories. Not so bad.

 

Work on the house is coming along. Still struggling to get family down to get the crap out but one step at a time. My father helped me sand my grandfathers workbench last night and its coming along very very well! I threw some of the hardware in rust remover last night and will pull them out and clean them up tonight. I am excited to keep pressing ahead with the project! I will take more photos to share with that soon!

 

I have been feeling better but fell off my meds a bit. I'm not used to having to take things every day so I can tell that my allergies and acid reflux are kicking up again. Thankfully the acid reflux has been calmed down but I missed my nasal sprays and allergy meds and I can def tell that I am getting that fogginess back. But I am at least thankful to know what it is and be able to find a way to overcome it!

 

I have been talking with the owner of the gym I used to do Crossfit at. I consider him a friend and its good to have him back in my life. He messages me about once a day to check in and has been pushing me to get my shit together health wise for awhile now. 

 

I am hoping to take the friday off before memorial day to make it a nice 4 day weekend. I don't think that will be hard to get.

[cn3wton]

This past weekend was very stressful due to having to take my dog into the emergency vet. One of the big reasons I chose my vet was because they have a tech and vet on staff 24/7 365. So I don't have to worry about not being able to get him the care he needs when he needs it.

 

I had hoped to never use it, but I had to Saturday. It started off with my dog Ryker throwing up 4 times as I was getting ready to go do work for the business. He has thrown up before. There was a ton of undigested food so I cleaned it up thinking he overate. Though I still hate to see it. I called my mom and asked if her and my dad could keep an eye on him for a few hours while I worked. My Dad has been working in my garage anyways. My Dad came shortly after I left and heard Ryker throwing up again through the wall. THey let me know and I worried more. WE where doing a photo shoot for my business and I pushed things along as quick as I could. 

 

I got home around 2 and Ryker was not acting himself. He was excited to see me but tired quickly and just wanted to lay down. On top of that my parents had tried giving him bread and he wouldn't touch it. This was very unlike him. Typically if you put food in front of him he eats it. Finally I decided that I didnt care if it could be nothing (just an upset stomach) I called my vet and talked to the answering service to get my message to the emergency staff. They called me back and after describing everything suggested I bring him in. They admitted him and did an XRAY. There was gas all through his system upstructing good sight. They had two options. Leave him there where he could be on ivs and get meds. Or I oculd take him home and give him injections.

 

I decided that if injections where part of the discussion it would be best to leave him at the vet. This was hard for me as I could not see him because we are still not allowed in the building. I was upset but okay until I spoke to my mom on the phone. I couldnt help but start sobbing when I tried to say "I couldn't even go in and see him." It was an irrational cry, I think all of the stresses culminated into it. It was like a switch flipped in my head. Sure I was sad to leave him there but knew it was the right thing to do. I hadn't been on the verge of tears before that. I could barely talk so I hung up and calmed down then called my mom back. I told her I was fine and not to leave her dinner early. She did anyway and brought me the food she promised to grab. We sat on my couch and watched some Netflix. I went to bed shortly after she went home.

 

The next mornign I was expecting a call. After not hearing anything by 9 I called and got a call back at 10. Apparently the vet was in an emergency surgery and had not been able to re examine Ryker yet. But he was acting better on his morning walk. At 1 the vet called to apologize. I told her I totally understood. There was still a lot of gas in his system but things seemed clear. They fed him and wanted to monitor him for a few hours to make sure he kept it down. They called again at 4 for me to come pick him up. I was so happy to see him. He acted pretty good the rest of the night. Much more like himself. But I could tell that he was still a bit tired. 

 

I did get some good progress done on house projects despite the craziness. And I also hit 20.4 lbs down so thats good too! Silver linings I guess.

[Shello]

That does sound super stressful.  I'm glad everything turned out ok!  Congrats on hitting the 20 pounds! 

[Elastigirl]

Oh my, glad Ryker is doing better now! Congrats on the weight loss.

[deftona]

I'm so glad Ryker seems to be getting better. What a stressful couple of days  

[cn3wton]

2 hours ago, Shello said:

That does sound super stressful.  I'm glad everything turned out ok!  Congrats on hitting the 20 pounds! 

 

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

Oh my, glad Ryker is doing better now! Congrats on the weight loss.

 

1 hour ago, deftona said:

I'm so glad Ryker seems to be getting better. What a stressful couple of days  

 

Thanks everyone. It certainly was a tough weekend and am thankful that everything turned out okay!

 

You all keep pushing me to keep going an I appreciate you all being here!

 

[RES]

Poor baby! I'm glad he's doing better!!

[cn3wton]

15 hours ago, RES said:

Poor baby! I'm glad he's doing better!!

Thanks so much! He is doing better.

 

Feeling so good in fact he helped himself to half the jar of peanut butter while I was out doing yardwork....

 

Cannot win with this dog!

[RES]

8 hours ago, cn3wton said:

Thanks so much! He is doing better.

 

Feeling so good in fact he helped himself to half the jar of peanut butter while I was out doing yardwork....

 

Cannot win with this dog!

I literally laughed when I read this! Sure sign of improvement! 

[cn3wton]

On 5/21/2021 at 9:41 PM, RES said:

I literally laughed when I read this! Sure sign of improvement! 

 

I wish I could say I laughed LOL. Just shook my head. Th eminute I stepped inside the apartment and could smell peanut butter I as like OH NO.

[cn3wton]

This weekend was a good productive weekend.

 

Friday I got home and got to work on a few things around the house. Then I made dinner for my parents and I. Corn on the cob and chicken drumsticks on the grill. They came out great!

 

Saturday I woke up and went to work at my business for a few hours. There wasn't a ton to do so we finished up early. I went home and set up some sawhorses to work on the bench top outside for a bit. It was extremely hot and I was sweating but it was nice. I had 1/2" and 1" dowel rods. I drilled out any holes with either a 1/2" or 1" spade bit, put glue in the hole, then stuck the dowel rod in. Then while I held it there I cut it off with my oscillating tool to be nearly perfectly flush. I had gotten a flush cut saw but to be honest the dowels are on the bottom and will never be seen so I went with the faster method.

 

I removed the boards that kept the two pieces together and this was probably a mistake as the boards started seperating in the middle. In a moment of desperation I tried filling the gap with glue. Which was yet another mistake because now theres pretty much no hope of drawing them together. So I bought wood filler and will have to go that route after re attaching the mounting pieces underneath the top. Its not an end the world size problem but it does annoy me. Along with some oversanding I did on a trim pieces that is quite noticeable. But it is what it is. I can't wait to put the resin on it and finish it up. It will look great.

 

Sunday I paid a friend to come over and help me get all the stuff that wasn't mine out of the bottom floor of the garage and into the attic. My friend is a hard worker but needs constant supervision to stay on task and be given direction. I was exhausted after but the garage turned out great. My father, my friend, and I shared leftovers for lunch. My friend left at 2 after sweeping and tidying up a bit. It was misting outside. I have been keeping Ryker inside so he doesn't get into anything. So I went in and let him out to go to the bathroom. Then hooked him up to his leash. It was still raining so I took him into the garage and set up our chairs (yes the dog has his own chair). I sat back in mine listening to "The Way of Kings" on audible while he curled up next to me. I of course had him on leash the whole time. Did this for maybe 30 minutes when my mom showed up to check out the work we had done. Most of the rain (again more like a mist than a rain) was gone and I showed her everything.

 

I took a much deserved shower. My mom got me dinner from my favorite Italian place (GALACTIC BREAD!) and I went to my parents to grab it and chat with them. I pulled into my yard at home and sighed. The lawn was grown up and trimming needed to be done. I know my grandpa would not be happy with it. So I went in, portioned out my dinner and put the rest in the fridge. I ate slow and enjoyed my meal, but headed right out to start the trimming and do the yard work. 5 minutes in the trimmer sucked up some of the dogs wire fence and quit. I could not get it apart and was getting frustrated. So I called my father and he said hed come down and take a look. I jumped on the mower to start mowing and immediatly backed over a brand new bucket breaking it. I cursed and made my way to the front lawn. My dog had left a bone in the front yard and I didnt see it until it was too late and that exploded into fragments. I cursed again. My Dad had fixed the trimmer at this point and offerred to finish the trim. I had to start the trimmer for him (its a pull engine). He went for 1 pass of the mower around the yard before it quit on him. I started it again, went around same thing. I started it a third time. The next time around my father was on his hands and knees pulling the weeds and turning the fence up to make a gap big enough for the trimmer to go through without catching the fence. He got about halfway done then headed home. 

 

I thanked him for helping and kept going. Not 10 minute later the mower ran out of gas. Cursing again I walked and grabbed my gas can. Almost empty. I dumped what was left into the mower. Finished up the dogs fence in area (obliterating yet another hidden bone) and put it away. So the lawn is half done and barely any of the trimming is done. I was a bit frustrated and extremely sore. But I took some time to think about everything I had accomplished that day and was proud. The noise canceling bluetooth headphones I bought work wonders. Protecting my ears and I can listen to audiobooks while I work.

 

At the end a busy productive weekend.