cn3wton, Battle log of Ages

[DarK_RaideR]

On 22/6/2017 at 5:22 PM, cn3wton said:

Now this may surprise you, but he absolutely detests and pokes fun at crossfit all the time. As an avid lover of crossfit myself, you may be wondering why I would like his stuff? Well 1, I am a grown man who understands and can appreciate good humor when I see it, and 2 everyone is entitled to their own opinions and thoughts. His attitude definitely will put off most crossfit folks as he sometimes pushes it pretty far. 

I think it's called "Warrior talk" or "Warrior speak" or "speaking Warrior" round these parts. A general tendency of lifters to tease each other (and crossfitters) in ways that newcomers/outsiders might find insulting or malicious. Same way Dom Mazetti of BroScience does. I see the humor in it too, besides super deffensive and easily offended crusaders of crossfit can be just as obnoxious.

 

As for the rest, let me just say first that people's experience with Crossfit vary wildly because it's not a rock solid franchise thing. It's not some kind of globo-gym, so it can vary wildly depending on the box or even different coaches. Same thing I tell people when they blame CF for injuries: anyone can train after a weekend L1 seminar, it's up to you to look up what other qualifications and skills your coach has. It's just like you said in your own post.

 

On form, first of all it's paramount not because of beauty standards or looking good on camera, it's a safety thing. Bad form in a heavy lift is just asking for spinal trauma, to give just an example. What Shello describes as her difficulty, I see as a challenge. It takes tremendous focus and determination to not only keep going in the workout, but also do the moves right instead of flapping around like a fish out of water. Which brings me to my final point: competing.

 

The motto at my current box is "no reps are better than bro reps". Judged workouts, from competing in the Open to a throwdown or the Games are a big school. Getting no repped is a bigtime reality check and a slap at your ego, but it's a reminder to keep your form in check. A no rep is practically bad form costing you wasted time and effort. Real athletes will suck it up, correct their form and keep going.

[cn3wton]

Warning Rant incoming.

 

So I'm not usually one to share feelings and thoughts with others.

 

But I have seen first hand what it does to people, myself especially, and it's not a good place to be. 

 

This isn't a cry for help. I'm not looking for pity. I just need a place to fucking vent where I don't have to tip toe around feelings and shit like that.

 

I'm in a really shit place mentally. I've always had a pretty fucked view when it comes to body image. Even when I lost all the weight. See when I was skinny (er) for the first time in my life I noticed chicks checking me out. And Damn if that didn't feel nice. Now I've never had a problem talking to women. Partially because growing up I was close to alot of girls my age. I was king of the senior ball thanks to just being a decent guy. I never held any illusions that they found me attractive, but I didn't give a shit. I was a nice dude, they knew they couldn't manipulate me, end of story.

 

When I lost the weight I thought that maybe I'd been wrong, and maybe I was worth a damn.

 

So as you all know I've gained a considerable amount of weight. About 75lbs. And holy shit if typing that doesn't make me feel like a real sack of shit. 

 

So I'm already in that place, trying, and failing to get back into dieting. Thank god I actually enjoy going to the gym or who knows where I'd be.

 

Today marked the final day of a 3 month weight loss competition at work. I lost a whopping 3 lbs. Good job, maybe in 5 years I'll be somewhere close to healthy. Meanwhile the winner was down 40lbs. Oh and he started at the same weight. 

 

Makes you wonder where I would be if I stuck with it.

 

This past weekend was a convention. Another chance for me to see something I've always wanted to do (cosplay) and realize that's not really an option.

 

On top of this my best friend met a girl. We had seen her at the last show and they had spoken. Now my friend hasn't had a girlfriend in 6 or more years (yea). So I'm thrilled he met someone. My friend also has zero social skills. So I stared conversations and wingman ed the shit out of it. 

 

Thank god she took the initiative and reached out to him, because he sure as he'll wouldn't do it. 

 

Now I'm happy for my friend don't get me wrong. It's something he's needed for a long time. I have had moderately successful relationships in recent past, so I wouldn't say I'm jealous... kinda.

 

But I'm royally pissed off.

 

See I know the reason she approached him is he's a skinny, fairly attractive guy. And while he stammered and stumbled through conversations they share many interests, so good for him. And. Admittedly, while I don't share as many interests anymore (I'm very much over anime) I actually know quite a bit about it.

 

See when I was skinny I actually liked how I looked. Took pride in it and felt freaking awesome.

 

So back to the con, things are winding down. She keeps coming back, continuing awkward conversation at our booth just trying to get him to say something. And we are getting ready to wrap up. So I throw out the "hey guys where are we going to eat after this?" Very much a set up for what should have been an easy spike for my friend.

 

While he did take the opportunity it was just forced and ineffective. It didn't help that she had to leave and attend to her own booth. So he was content to let it end there. And to leave without another word.

 

I wasnt. SO I decided to walk to my hotel and just so happened to go by her booth.. she called me overy and we talked. Told her where we were going and extended an invite.

 

As I walked to my hotel to grab my car I had a literal moment of self reflection. Literally staring at my reflection in the mirror. What better can I expect? I'm an overweight guy who has no pride in himself. I'm a firm believer in attraction. I understand that you need physical attraction in a relationship. That whole being shallow thing is mostly bs. If there was a female version of me, 80lbs overweight and disheveled, I wouldn't be all that interested in me either.

 

So yes was I happy for my friend? Hell yes. Doesn't change the fact that I'm a tad bit jealous that because my friend is skinny he drew this kind of attention. My friend is blessed with a great metabolism. He doesn't exercise, eats like a child, and lost his job months ago and doesn't seem to have any desire to work again anytime soon.

 

Meanwhile I exercise multiple times a week, have a great job, and try my best to eat like a grown man. 

 

Oh yea and i find out at 5 today that she's been messaging him all day. So I'm a bit pissed off that my best friend seemed to actively be avoiding telling me this, while I found out he'd told others almost immediately.

 

I guess my rant is just me venting that once again I've ran into the life isn't fair wall. And that things would probably be a while lot different if I hadn't totally messed up my progress in just over a year.

 

It's gotten to the point that I avoid going out, afraid that people who knew skinny me would see current fat me (my favorite restaurant being one of them). And I've found that I constantly end up putting myself down, even in conversation.

 

Well I think that's about it for my rant. I want to stress that I am really in a good place overall right now. I have some great friends, aN amazing job, and a gym that is super supportive. I just wanted to let off some steam, and now that I have I think I'm going to get in a few extra reps for Nerdhammer and finally start daredevil.

 

 

 

 

[Sloth the Enduring]

Why is this the first we've heard of your gaming company?

 

I don't know what to say about your rant. I'm camping at the beach right now and none of the couples make any sense. Hot chicks with obese dudes and jacked guys with schlubby women. I guess I fall into the mindset you're railing against.

 

I also suspect you're overly negative about yourself.

[Elastigirl]

Sorry that happened. One thing I noticed in your rant was you said that in your reflection you look disheveled. While the weight may take a bit, how you dress, and present yourself can change right now. Before I lost the weight, one of the first things I did was get a new haircut, and buy some new clothes. I know it seems  counter productive  to buy clothes you won't wear soon, but feeling good about your appearance affects us so much mentally. What about investing in some new clothes, so that you feel like you look good right now where you are at?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That is a shitty place to be. I don't claim to know how you feel, and I can tell you when I was in a somewhat similar situation I didn't like it. You are doing what you can about your physical situation, how about some workouts for your mind? Your body is a part of you, but it's not you. In the same way your leg is a part of your body but it is not your body. There is more to you than your physical appearance. Having said that, you can still take pride in your appearance while you work on shrinking your waistline. You can make sure you are well groomed, your clothes are clean and neat and that you put effort into looking your best. You don't even have to like the way you look, consider it practice for when you are at a healthy weight.

 

I also recommend finding a counselor to talk to about body issues. If you still had them when you lost the weight the first time you'll have them when you lose it again. You might as well get started on it now so that you can really enjoy yourself when you get to a healthy weight.

[DarK_RaideR]

I'm not that great when it comes to passing advice and with us being so like-minded, most of the things I meant to say you've already mentioned in your post. Reality check is a b1tch and life ain't fair indeed nor does it make sense, but if there's one thing to take away from your venting, it's the feelings. Hold the negative ones as a reminder of how you don't wanna feel and the fiery ones as fuel that'll take you where you want to be.

[cn3wton]

9 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Why is this the first we've heard of your gaming company?

 

I don't know what to say about your rant. I'm camping at the beach right now and none of the couples make any sense. Hot chicks with obese dudes and jacked guys with schlubby women. I guess I fall into the mindset you're railing against.

 

I also suspect you're overly negative about yourself.

 

My gaming company is Dargon Jargon, you can see some of our stuff on DargonJargon.com, but our facebook is more up to date at the moment. I have been hesitant to post anything as it has a lot of local stuff on it, but oh well.

 

I think the biggest issue with how I see things comes from my past. I just never saw myself as somebody a girl I found attractive would want to date. Even when I have witnessed what your talking about with a former co-worker, or when I saw an ex when she was back in town visiting and commented on how good I looked. 

 

Its the classic "wow your such a great guy." But said girls are usually taken or I convince myself they are not interested. 

 

9 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Sorry that happened. One thing I noticed in your rant was you said that in your reflection you look disheveled. While the weight may take a bit, how you dress, and present yourself can change right now. Before I lost the weight, one of the first things I did was get a new haircut, and buy some new clothes. I know it seems  counter productive  to buy clothes you won't wear soon, but feeling good about your appearance affects us so much mentally. What about investing in some new clothes, so that you feel like you look good right now where you are at?

 

I actually did that a couple weeks ago. It definitely helps, but its hard when the clothes you buy for temporary clothes get tight. Or when your shopping and they don't have your size. I have since lost some and the clothes fit better, but that was a real sucker punch for awhile. 

 

I've never really been good about taking care of my appearance. Stemming again from me wondering why I should even bother. Back when I first lost weight I would have clothes folded and set out, all my areas clean (rooms, car, etc) and it really helped. So I guess I really have to try to get that all together again.

 

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That is a shitty place to be. I don't claim to know how you feel, and I can tell you when I was in a somewhat similar situation I didn't like it. You are doing what you can about your physical situation, how about some workouts for your mind? Your body is a part of you, but it's not you. In the same way your leg is a part of your body but it is not your body. There is more to you than your physical appearance. Having said that, you can still take pride in your appearance while you work on shrinking your waistline. You can make sure you are well groomed, your clothes are clean and neat and that you put effort into looking your best. You don't even have to like the way you look, consider it practice for when you are at a healthy weight.

 

I also recommend finding a counselor to talk to about body issues. If you still had them when you lost the weight the first time you'll have them when you lose it again. You might as well get started on it now so that you can really enjoy yourself when you get to a healthy weight.

 

As far as counseling goes I'm extremely hesitant. One I wouldn't even know where to begin to look, and two I don't see myself every actually doing it. I really don't think I need to take that step. But maybe that is part of the problem, who knows.

 

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm not that great when it comes to passing advice and with us being so like-minded, most of the things I meant to say you've already mentioned in your post. Reality check is a b1tch and life ain't fair indeed nor does it make sense, but if there's one thing to take away from your venting, it's the feelings. Hold the negative ones as a reminder of how you don't wanna feel and the fiery ones as fuel that'll take you where you want to be.

 

Thanks man, ill try to do my best to turn this whole situation into some kind of positive.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Your figures look great. It looks like a fun project.

[cn3wton]

1 hour ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

Your figures look great. It looks like a fun project.

 

thanks man, its been a a great project so far.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

10 hours ago, cn3wton said:

As far as counseling goes I'm extremely hesitant. One I wouldn't even know where to begin to look, and two I don't see myself every actually doing it. I really don't think I need to take that step. But maybe that is part of the problem, who knows.

 

FWIW, I needed it.

[cn3wton]

Update

 

Been pretty damn sick the last few days. So no gym, which pisses me off royally. I've decided to go, no matter how bad I feel, and do something. Probably just work on my lifts and some rowing or skierging. Food has been ok while I have been down for the count.

 

On the brighter side of things I have been really digging diablo 3 again. Bought it for the xbox one and have convinced some buddies to pick it up with me. So I have played that a bit here and there. Though I have been very good about not letting it consume my life (so far).

 

Also binge watched both seasons of Daredevil while I was sick the last few days, pretty decent. I think the hype kinda got my expectations a bit high, but still pretty good.

[cn3wton]

Sickness has kept me down for the last week or so. But I am getting ready to nail this next challenge. I've got a wedding this weekend that I will indulge at then back on the horse.

 

I have created a new thread for the nerdhammer pvp, i hope you will all check it out!

[cn3wton]

So this weekend I stood in one of my best friends weddings. I had a great time, and ate somewhat ok, excluding all the alcohal i drank...

 

Little known fact, I love dancing. It felt good to dance for about 4-5 hours. Also was cool when I was one of, if not the only guy my age dancing. And all the women my age didn't know I danced, and I got numerous compliments on my dance moves. I dont claim to know what I am doing. But I enjoy it and don't much care. I can't help but think that they were just being nice, but I can get past that.

 

The added weight definitely hindered my dance moves, but oh well.

 

Had a lot of good confidence boosting interactions, except for one. Was walking with a few people, one a single girl I know and had spoken to. She was asked by a relative if she had found a man yet, she replied "I just have to find one." Then an exceedingly drunk member of our party said "Have you met Corey?". She giggled and said of course I have I've known him for years. Couldn't help but feel a bit akward after that. I did talk to her after and dance a bit. But she stayed mostly to herself the whole night, or with her parents...

 

I have resigned myself that I just don't want to actively pursue relationships until I get healthier again. But I also realized how much I missed doing things like this... 

 

Things to consider moving forward.

 

I am returning to the gym tonight after 2 weeks of illness. While I was gone I got a video message from the owner of my gym, which was a video of some of my friends. In it he said "Corey, this is Larry and John, they are doing the workouts. And we are wondering where you are!". I laughed, told them I was gone for the weekend but would be back today. I can't wait to get back in the swing of things.

 

 

[Sloth the Enduring]

Sounds fun. I don't dance, but I admire those able to cut loose and do it.

[cn3wton]

Hey everybody. Wow how time flies!

 

I am starting a nutrition challenge at my gym starting next monday, so I am hoping that has lined up with the 4 week challenge here as a kind of sign!

 

Things in life have been going ok. Wieght is still my chief concern, but I am happy and life seems to be going in the right direction which is great!

 

 

[DarK_RaideR]

Make sure you post dem updates, even if they're the short boring type. Helps keep you accountable and build habits.

 

Good luck on your challenge!

[cn3wton]

Just stopping in. Don't know if I will do a challenge thread on here or not. But my first day of the challenge went really well, and into the second I am still feeling alright, Have avoided snack food and garbage despite a few times where temptation was high. So happy with that. If I can make it through the rest of the week like that I should be back on track!

[cn3wton]

3RD day of the challenge is going well. However it just so happens to be my birthday. I am however, prepared for this. For lunch chicken, ribs (no sauce only smoked), antipasto salad, and a protein cheesecake I made last night. My mother is going to bring everything into my work for me to share with my office. Works for me!

 

I got weighed in on an inbody machine to know exactly where I stand body compositioin wise, and it was as expected. No miraculous drop in BF. But it's a starting point. I went to the workout after.

 

I have decided to ease myself back into crossfit. I will go two days this week, then make it at least two days for the next couple weeks, hopefully three. I am at the point where I am frequently injuring myself at the gym, causing me to miss weeks and weeks. Things like jump rope and box step ups suck. Once I lose weight I am sure these things will stop messing me up so much...

[Sloth the Enduring]

Happy Birthday Newton!


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[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Happy Healthy Birthday!

 

[DarK_RaideR]

Happy belated birthday!

[WhiteGhost]

Happy Birthday!

[RES]

Happy belated birthday! Hope it was a good one!

 

[cn3wton]

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

 

Food has been going in the right direction. Making smart decisions and progressing forward. Weight loss is starting to come along which is great.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Woot!