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Challenge of shame, vulnerability, courage, connection and love [Fearkiller]


Fearkiller

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A fair warning: This thread may still contain thoughts of suicide, depression, and dark and sad emotions.

I feel I cannot and do not want to clean those away. To me, fluffing it away would be a another kind of lie.

 

It is not wise to be so immensely honest. I probably going to tell things other people would think thrice to tell anyone.

If I ever am going to make waves and go out in the public to do great things,

some bastard (or worse...) is going to look out for my weaknesses, and use them against me. There are people like that.

But there is also people who this will help, and give strength to, and make lives more loving and beautiful!

 

Those I help, even only a few, are more important than some hurtful S.O.D delibrately looking out ways to hurt other people.

Or my personal hurt, if that happened.

 

But what if this will be used to hurt those I love? That's what I'm scared for.

After you've read this, I would appreciate help about this matter. I am so young

I do not know the dynamics of the Internet. At which point doing what feels right

meet the limits of caution of common sense?

 

The worst case scenario:

If I was a parent, and a random jackass came and said:

"Yeah, your son had depression and suicidal thoughts, right?

So did you fail as a parent?"

it would hurt tehm like seven hells... And even if they would understand my need

for excruciating honesty, it would still hurt them badly.

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Brene Brown's work inspired this challenge, and I am grateful for stumbling into her talks.

 

http://blog.ted.com/2012/03/16/being-vulnerable-about-vulnerability-qa-with-brene-brown/

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

 

I try convey the impression she has had through this challenge write up, but it will be imperfect.

 

Things marked in this post "in quotes" are all direct quotes from Brene.

 

*breathe...*

 

Getting a name for the core fear of myself, the fear of vulnerability and shame, felt so real and important, and also really icy fear scary.

I have big issues with this, but I know there's a way out, and I will love myself. I know that. It ain't easy, but I know I can do it.

 

Do you know those people who like to hurt other people from the sheer joy of it? My inner critic, Demonemon I named him, is one of those.

And he is a part of me, because if I curl up, put up walls and nurse my hurt and let it all get to the point of... You see where this is going?

Not pretty.

 

I will very easily remember again I am not good enough, I am a bad person, good for nothing, I am not worthy of love... Hypocrite. Hurting other people. Dark dark dark.

 

It is a lie, I know, but it hurts the same as someone came and dug up one of the worst things from the box of hurts you keep locked...

Those sudden times, I am not strong enough to believe it.

 

But oftentimes, I can also love myself! You know, the amazing feeling of "worthy of loving and belonging" "I am enough",

I am a good person. I can take mistakes, make the best of despite them and find good sides of almost all of my darkest thoughts...

And forgive myself.

 

1) Go to work every day, on time and do productive work and the best I can. My practical placement is 5 months,

and I know I will inevitably screw up, and it will feel like the whole world at the time. It is not.

Whatever I feel, I will go to work and do good work, because I cannot let my personal pain hurt other people.

I need an immensely good, indefiable reason not to go. And 99% of the time it is not, even if it feels like it.

 

2) [Reddit post Ryans gospel -> http://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbxvz/the_gospel_of_uryans01_helpful_advice_for_anyone

Okay, this quote is from Ryan:

"Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. -- -- Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget."

 

So, Non-zero for me is either: be something where I face my shame/vulnerablity or do something definitive towards my dreams, or otherwise do something I would regret not doing.

 

But despite what was said, my self worth is not tied to achieving.

 

List of things to count, but depends from the best I can do at the given day:

This doesn't work, but I am too tired to change - I look at the list, and I am already overwhelmed by it,

because most of the things has to be done consistently or they do not matter enough. And I cannot do it all consistently,

just too much. It is a giant, terrifying 'if I do all this, I am good enough' to-do list from hell. ... :lol:

 

Write something of your own.

Plan the trip abroad a bit.

Practice Japanese.

Visit a gym to ask if they have personal trainers to teach me bodyweight exercises.

Find a traceur(s) to practice parkour with from my hometown.

Work out.

Cook a new recipe/eat a helthy meal.

Reach out to people, old friends and new ones.

Reach out of my way to help someone.

Reveal an idea I might get negative feedback from.

Do something differently.

Stand out and make waves.

 

3) I will strive to love myself fully, flaws and the good and bad and the whole package that is me,

so that feeling is not dependent about anything happening outside me "You are worthy of love and belonging"

- Starting by completing her worksheet full of important and difficult questions about shame

 

4) I will continue the Zenhabits 1000 cuts fitness program (fitness things in manageable chunks spread throughout the day)

 

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

It is easy, and making results.

The goal is to make it consistent throughout the challenge and make at least 120 fitness-things.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Good luck out there, Fearkiller.  

  • Like 1

Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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Good luck out there, Fearkiller.  

*hugs* :love_heart:

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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The best of luck to you! I find doing just a little everyday adds up in a big way and keeps you motivated, I guess it's because it makes everything more fun : )

Class: Druid Medium

 

Race: Half Elf

 

 

Attributes: Still at the starting line:)

  • Strength (STR) - 0
  • Dexterity (DEX) - 0
  • Stamina (STA) - 0
  • Constitution (CON) - 0
  • Wisdom (WIS) - 0
  • Charisma (CHA) - 0

Goals:

Lose 10 lbs 

25%
25%

Increase Endurance and Focus 

38%
38%

Simplify and minimize possessions 

88%
88%

 

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Love it!  Especially that one of your goals is to love yourself fully.  It's so important, and yet tends to be overlooked.  

 

Good luck to you!  :frog:

  • Like 1
Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

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Finished the challenge write up, but I have to reflect about it a little more. It may be too much.

 

"The intention and outcome of vulnerability is trust, intimacy and connection.
The outcome of oversharing is distrust, disconnection - and usually a little judgment."
 
I have reflect which one I am doing... I want to so desperately to be seen,
but I am overdoing it making it to be too much...

 

So, I printed a quote from Brene to my cubicle wall, I read a finnish researchers book about different experiences that

had caused people to feel shame, but I had to stop, because some of those things couldn't be explained otherwise than

pure hurt of people. I was too tender to read it further.
 

But also, a visit in the tax office went well, so I smiled a lot more after it.

I know it shouldn't be from achievements, but you gotta take what you can get...

 

Edit:

"Live-tweeting your bikini wax is not vulnerability. Nor is posting a blow-by-blow of your divorce . That's an attempt to hot-wire connection.
But you can't cheat real connection. It's built up slowly. It's about trust and time.

-Brene Brown

 

So, I messed things up a bit. But that's okay.

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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I'm still going to keep that there. Too late to back down, but possibly I am not

going to spread this all over the place :)

 

On another point, I do have a tendency for overloading myself,

immersing myself so fully in something I am excited about I forget

to think it through with my own mind. It simply tends to be too much of everything

at times, and that results in feeling crammed up full of it all.

 

And of course, the damn sleep deprivation... And it is my own fault,

which makes it doubly irritating.

 

Like now, I am pondering, how much I can adapt and take heed from

others' ideas, no matter how true or important, without drowning

myself and who I am?

 

Or then, if who I was before wasn't who I really am,

and Brene has shown it to me in his research about universal human traits,

 of course it would feel foreign to leave the mask behind.

 

I have been thinking and reading so much, I feel I need time for recovery.

Oh right, that's why I took up meditation in the previous challenge.  

 

Life is not complicated, but I have a gift to make it so... :)

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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A note about sharing vulnerabilities on a public forum: I wouldn't worry about it too much. Like you said, if your thread can help people who may be dealing with the same problems, then mission accomplished. If some jackass attempts to tear you down due to said vulnerabilities then...so what? The fact that you're willing to discuss these issues in public means that you've already identified the problem(s), accepted that these problems are present, and are now taking steps to fix the problems. Zero shame in that. If anyone attempts to use your demons and fears and vulnerabilities against you, all it means is that 1) they've read your thread, and 2) they're morons. I'd be willing to bet that they have demons of their own, too, that they aren't willing to share. And eventually, your demons will be gone, too :)

 

It's like I said in a previous thread somewhere: "The demons and skeletons in the closet need to be let out to exercise every now and then, lest they become fat and get osteoporosis and become harder to deal with." ...or something along those lines. I forget my own quotes lol.

  • Like 2
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A note about sharing vulnerabilities on a public forum: I wouldn't worry about it too much. Like you said, if your thread can help people who may be dealing with the same problems, then mission accomplished. If some jackass attempts to tear you down due to said vulnerabilities then...so what? The fact that you're willing to discuss these issues in public means that you've already identified the problem(s), accepted that these problems are present, and are now taking steps to fix the problems. Zero shame in that. If anyone attempts to use your demons and fears and vulnerabilities against you, all it means is that 1) they've read your thread, and 2) they're morons. I'd be willing to bet that they have demons of their own, too, that they aren't willing to share. And eventually, your demons will be gone, too :)

 

It's like I said in a previous thread somewhere: "The demons and skeletons in the closet need to be let out to exercise every now and then, lest they become fat and get osteoporosis and become harder to deal with." ...or something along those lines. I forget my own quotes lol.

What you said means a lot.

 

And the quote about the skeletons got me smiling.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to comment

A fair warning: This thread may still contain thoughts of suicide, depression, and dark and sad emotions.

I feel I cannot and do not want to clean those away. To me, fluffing it away would be a another kind of lie.

 

First things first: I am not broken beyond repair. I am not broken beyond repair...

And that is beautiful.

 

1000 cuts:

30.7 12 push ups

31.7 10 leg raises, 30 second side plank (one side), 15 leg raises,

15 second side plank (it hurt, so I stopped), 3 pull ups, 3 chin ups

 

So, what I have done today for it to be a zero day?

 

I started the worksheet, found there

http://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/ITIWJMreadingguide.pdf

- and I believe it is free (?) so feel free to take a sneak peek

 

I read a finnish author Anna-Leena Härkönen's book about her personal experience of grief, pain, hate and shattering

, after her sister killed herself. It feels like I carry a part of her pain with me now, but I also got a lot of strength from it.

It was hard, I partly hope I hadn't, but it was also relieving and beautiful. I could relate fully to a lot of things there, good and bad.

All in all, it was good for me, and helped me to cope with things.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Hey there Fearkiller - I just want to say that I think you are extremely brave, and I admire the fact that you are sharing your story with us.  Just writing down the thoughts can be unbelievably healing and empowering.  I wish there was something I could say to help you with your darkness as I've been there.  I just want you to know that no matter what - I am here for you.  If you ever need to vent or just want someone to listen, I want you to know you can always message me if you're not comfortable posting on the open forum.  I may not always have the best advice, but I can be your friend.  I'd like that very much.   :love_heart:   

  • Like 3
Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

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Hey there Fearkiller - I just want to say that I think you are extremely brave, and I admire the fact that you are sharing your story with us.  Just writing down the thoughts can be unbelievably healing and empowering.  I wish there was something I could say to help you with your darkness as I've been there.  I just want you to know that no matter what - I am here for you.  If you ever need to vent or just want someone to listen, I want you to know you can always message me if you're not comfortable posting on the open forum.  I may not always have the best advice, but I can be your friend.  I'd like that very much.   :love_heart:   

If my warm cute feeling would make a sound, it would probably be Mihiiii!

*coughcough* Yes... :)

 

I would like that very much too! ^_^

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."  

 

Just remember, you don't have to do this on your own.  We're here for you.

  • Like 1

Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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A lot of the crud going on do not have real base anywhere, all just varying versions of "I'm not good enough, I am a bad person"

 

Whenever I cannot do what I want, I feel like a hypocrite.

 

Hypocrite = a person who pretends to be what he is not

- Dictionary.com

 

All I have said feel like a lie sometimes. I have said what I want to be, not able to make in actual

practice, despite numerous attempts and chances to improve.

 

I do not know where the line goes between hypocrisy and the fundamental fact I am imperfect,

and thus can not live up to perfect ideals.

 

I want to be many things: I want to  a loving, caring, person being good to others and making light to the world.

A good big brother, because I have responsibility for the little person. I want to stop hating myself, and

love myself.

 

But the truth is I am not... I am able to love only persons I like already, and I hate them when they

do not go the direction I want them to. I still hate myself. I don't want to be those things I mentioned,

and I feel I can't.

 

If I want to be like that, but I am not doing the best I can, that means I am not really wanting them, thus lying.

 

I feel I am not making such an effort it would justify

all those high ideals. I am not doing my best, every day, not even most days.

 

But as I even try, isn't that enough?

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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I don't think you're a hypocrite.  You're here.  You're trying.  Even if it doesn't seem to you like you're trying hard enough - you're still making an effort.    "The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention." - John Burroughs

 

I want to be many things: I want to  a loving, caring, person being good to others and making light to the world.

A good big brother, because I have responsibility for the little person. I want to stop hating myself, and

love myself.

You obviously love your little brother, and I bet you mean the world to him.  Probably more than you give yourself credit for.  I know it seems hard to show love towards others if you feel you cannot love yourself.  That being said...would you be up for trying a little experiment for me?  Every single morning, try to focus on something, anything that you DO love about yourself.  Nothing is too insignificant!  Take baby steps into the journey you want to travel.  For the time being, let the weight of what you want to be for the world roll off your shoulders, and only concern yourself with what you want to be for YOU.  Try to drown out the sound of the negative voice in your head by surrounding yourself with things that bring you happiness.  Go buy a little notebook (and a fancy pen only because fancy pens are fun  :highly_amused:)  and force yourself to write something positive every. single. day.  You could even draw little pictures or diagrams or whatever it is that frees your mind from the negative thoughts.  Then, when you're having a particularly rough day - force yourself to read through the notebook.  I bet it would bring at least a little smile to your face.

 

If all else fails, just know that you mean something to ME.  And any effort you make throughout the day will make me so happy!  Deal?   :cheerful:    

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friend!  I'll be sending warm thoughts your way.  

Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

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About me overloading myself with all the new stuff.

 

I am reading, gathering new info and afraid to stop, because I want someone else to do the work for me - find a perfect book on how to love yourself, detailed guide on compassion,

this is what you want to do with your life 101 *incredulous laugh*

 

What I have learned and have to face is, that no matter how good advice, info or guide you get, it will not do it for you, but rather with you.

Applying what I have learned is always up to me.

 

Because such a perfect book would be called brainwash. Oh, man...

 

But I do know that when I got over the fear of telling about my suicidal thoughts and depression

to a school counsellor I knew well, after hiding them and closing them inside of myself. and unloaded that to her, it felt good. One of the most liberating experiences of my life was spilling those beans, so I didn't have to pretend anymore or be alone.

Then I was able to truly be myself, and I got in touch with my heart. That piece of my life I remember as beautiful  :love_heart: Because of that opening I got a taste of what it is to love myself.

 

So, I know what is wrong now also - I have stopped seeing things inside myself, I no longer understand

myself, and have started lying to myself again, because of fear and shame. I want someone else to unlock myself for me, but that doesn't work, and never will.

 

@LittleTurtle - Yes! You are so right. Daily positive is good for me, I've gotten a proof of it in HOoRAY, and I stopped it because it started to be hard again, and I thought I was somehow 'done with it', that positive mindset wouldn't need daily reminding. I have struggled being consistent with it,

but something being hard isn't a reason to stop.

 

 

 

So, in addition to above suggested positive journaling I have decided to start my own wall of positive:

 

 

20140524_125236_zpsh9bup4ho.jpg

 

 

The Positivity Project is a printout of encouraging things people have said to me on these forums over the past year that I've been here.  I printscreened, then copied and pasted what they wrote to a word file and then printed it out and made a collage with it.

 

And have it on the wall of my room, proudly, even though strangers will see it.

 

A lot of things from you in this thread and previous challenges will be there, and it

will look totally, positively, beautifully amazing!

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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I do not talk about faith often, I have never though about it, but I have come to the conclusion

that if I were to believe in something bigger than myself, it'd be love. The more I read about those

who have depression, have met death in their life, almost all of the great minds I have read about

(Zenhabits, Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Scott Dinsmore...), mention it at some point,

several books I've read, I feel like I stumble to love in every turn! Maybe it is just that I have thought about it so often,

the more I notice it, and thus more I think about it, and so it goes in this loving cycle...

 

I just wan to share the definition I picked from a finnish archbishop's book (a series of essays about faith).

And it was

 

"Love is God, and God is Love"

 

It is so simple. I do not want to label my faith into Christianity or

any other label, but that definition is what it'll be if someone asks.

 

When you do a mistake, have a row or something such, and after it, when you have time to think about it,

you see what you should've done, why didn't I do so-and-so? I think the point would be to go about life more slowly,

because I feel I need the time and pause amidst life to have time feel and remind myself of that love I want to see.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Congrats on opening up to your school counselor!  That is a huge step in the right direction.  I know it's hard - when I was in my darkest place several years ago, I was really scared too.  

 

Also - I'm really loving the "wall of positivity" idea.  :frog:

 

Here's to a great second week!

Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

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Fearkiller. Thank you for the trust you put in us by letting us share your thoughts, aims and feelings!

I can only iterate what others have said. In the ways that we can, we are here for you.

 

A few reflections.

On "go to work every day", just do it. I have had that issue earlier in life and usually NOTHING gets better by staying at home even if it might feel that way.

On feeling worthless or having the demons tell you that you are. You know this already but you are not alone in this and that knowledge might help. You yourself knowing that the feeling that you have of worthlessness is false, is important and valuable.

On not loving yourself. Sometimes I make the experiment and imagine me as someone outside myself and then ask myself what I'd think about someone with my qualities....

  • Like 2

I have chosen to believe in myself.


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TheCutLasses-treasure_zps93cc7a43.png

 

A message from The CutLasses: keep on, keepin' on! Yeh can do anythin' if'n yeh put yer mind teh it! O' an' Jackie Chan thinks yer awesome!

 

jackiechanthumbsup_zps9f29803f.gif

  • Like 1

Level 38 Lupine Pirate = STR: 98 || DEX: 91 || STA: 102 || CON: 76 || WIS: 88 || CHA: 75

Current Challenge: 

Past Challenge List: Challenges 1-38

Battle Log: Battle On, Eli!

"You're the best kind of crazy." -Murphy, Dresden Files

"That's wolves for ya; good guys!" -Wolf, 10th Kingdom

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TheCutLasses-treasure_zps93cc7a43.png

 

A message from The CutLasses: keep on, keepin' on! Yeh can do anythin' if'n yeh put yer mind teh it! O' an' Jackie Chan thinks yer awesome!

 

jackiechanthumbsup_zps9f29803f.gif

To my wall of positive for sure!

 

1000 cuts

6.8 8 lunges each leg, 12 push ups

7.8 8 push ups, 30 second side plank (both sides),

45 second back strech, 80 second plank

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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18. I am alive! I didn't kill myself! Whenever something beautiful happens,

I think back to the times I thought I would kill myself,

and I think "I wouldn't be here doing anything if I had"

 

I am so sorry, so very sorry.

 

That is not pretty.

 

But I do not know who else to turn now.

 

What I can do when escaping the meaninglessness of my life to books, games or simply physically away is not enough anymore?

I do not care about myself anymore, and living for the sake of saving other people from the hurt doesn't work?

 

I do know I must seek profesional help, but I feel and unloving and unlovable person... I feel so excruciantingly lonely...

I have all this beauty in my life, why can't I just feel fucking happy?!

 

I need to walk through the pain, and leaving the comfort zone of fleeing things... as the saying goes, "it's going to get worse before it gets better"...

 

I've taken "I will not act on my suicidal thoughts, not matter now tempting" as a mantra, but... Hell, why not? Just goodbye... Good riddance...

 

I know Hiraedd, Bekah, Milythael, xanjra, Guzzi, among others,

have tried their best to help me, but I feel I cannot...

 

who can help me, when I myself do not want to, you see?

 

I just want to give up in a way it does not hurt those I cherish, wishing that the world would stop for a precious few hours, I hope I wouldn't die, but...

 

Going through periods of that shit is mentally so draining, as I want to, but really don't, but then again... it has is this back-and-forth the couple of days...

 

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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How Suicide Affects Those Around You - from there: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/plugins/p2061_news/printarticle.php?p2061_articleid=6

I don't think though that labelíng suicide as selfish helps anyone, but on the other things it's quite correct.

 


 

 

Are you thinking about suicide?
Thinking about how, if you killed yourself, nobody would care?

Think again.

If you kill yourself you will change somebodies world. That's right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memores. They wont be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio they'll hear that song, remember,that song you sang with them once? They'll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there??

Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sisters or brothers losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to effect most deeply those who care about you most. That's not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it?

Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as 'the kid who killed themselves?' People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you've done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think ;; "was there something i could have done?" Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they'll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time.

Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope, without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And lets not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you?

They'll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn't you tell them? They loved you. And now it's too late. They'll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they'll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew.

And one day, one day years from now, they'll remember you. They will all still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class; she'll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he'll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you leant money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you dont see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why?

But imagine your family.

You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself then part of them dies too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did.

Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? .. Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you're dead??

Who finds you?

Please, there are other ways out. I know sometimes the struggle is very, very hard. But it's not worth giving up on life. Life is all we have, life is everything. Its the beautiful moments, and the sad ones. Please, don't give up on all those around you. You can make it through.

My teacher said this about her father, who commited suicide:
"I understand that the pain is overwhelming, but I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused others. It was just selfish. If you kill yourself you spread the suffering among thousands of people, it doesn't only affect those around you but everyone who has ever come in contact with you."

Please, keep fighting. You can get through this and see that there is life after what you're facing now. It may be hard, but you'll get there, and when you do you will appreciate it so much more. I understand that most people know that suicide effects others, but please keep this in mind if you're ever feeling so low. Give people the chance to help you.

Much Love.

 

So I will keep living for the sake of other people.

It's the best I can do at the moment.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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