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AshPS

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O.k., step one in facing fears........AGAIN....
 
The title of this thread is about to become my mantra over the next six weeks.
 
So here I am starting my 9th challenge....Nineth???!!!.....holy cow. Unfortunately though, I do not find myself where I envisioned when I joined my first one. Granted, I've lost some weight, I have an overall healthier approach to life, but I've also hit some bumps in the road.
And I would like to say I sailed through these, but the truth is that little by little I allowed them to take me back to a place that doesn't make me very happy. A place where fear rules and I come last.
 
And I REALLY hate admitting that here. But, what good are these challenges if I'm going to lie to myself and hide from the truth? 
 
It began a week before my 3rd challenge when I found myself in the hospital with a severe incarcerated hernia. I had been at an awesome point in my lifting and recomping. I was proud of my commitment and how I felt. Not just physically, but mentally. I was setting goals and following through. 
 
But, when the hernia happened it was a real setback and financial blow. And deep down I worried I had caused it. And what if it happened again?
 
This fear was compounded by an........unsupportive spouse. Someone who saw it as a golden opportunity to get me to stop something he never wanted me to do to begin with.
 
' It was my fault....I had brought it on.....'
 
I tried to drown it out, I really did. But the fear wouldn't go away. And, gradually I found myself not pushing as hard.....excepting 'good enough' again.
 

It's ok to do this....to eat that....to miss a workout......

 

And, with it came peace from the afore mentioned spouse. 
 
Slowly but surely, what I wanted when I came here, what I needed, just began to take a backseat again. And, because I was getting a 'workout' in most of the time...because I wasn't eating terribly......because it kept the peace.....I let it happen. But, I hated it. I knew I wasn't giving it my best.
 
Then add to it life and all it's busyness, a querky shoulder and a knee I injured last challenge.
 
And here I am. Not happy, not proud of myself. Hiding from the fears.
 
And I'm ready to change it. I want to feel like I did during my first and second challenge...I want to know I'm doing my best.....for me.....for my kids.
 
But, I'm not going to lie...I'm still scared. Scared of another hernia, the doctor told me my chances are now greater for a second one....scared I'll make my knee worse....or that it won't get better.....scared of recreating the same miserable situation that happened with my first and second challenge when the spouse felt it was his duty to let me know just how much he resented my changing things. Messing with his comfort zones.
 
And I know it will happen.....if anything he's worse now than he was then.
 
But so be it. I don't want to live like this any more. It's my life and I shouldn't come last on the list.
 
Vilkacis and swampling......it's because of you I know I can do this. It's because of you I want to this, I hope I can return the same unconditional support and strength you have been to me. You both mean the world to me.
 
Now for the goals.
 
My main goal has and always will be to be the healthiest and best me possible. I NEED it, my six kiddos need it.
 
GOAL 1:
To that end I am going back to my weight training. My knee has not healed so I will be foregoing any weights there and incorporating rehab type exercises for leg day. Once I know what it can and can not handle I hope to move up to body weight exercises (squats, lunges, etc) and eventually weights.
 
My plan is to follow this program for upper body work:
 
 
 
The only alteration I plan on making is that I will exchange the pull ups for band pull downs. I don't have anything to do pull ups on currently.
And I will be doing the walking on training days and either walking or Bellyfit on nontraining days.
 
Workout schedule: 
 
Monday: Push
Tuesday: Pull
Wednesday: Knee Rehab
Thursday: Cardio
Friday: Push
Saturday: Pull
Sunday: Rest
 
Grades: A-Training, walking, rehab/ 6 days, B- 5 days, C- 4 days, less than 4 Fail
 
GOAL 2:
 
Eliminate all snacking and sugar 6 days out of the week. I'm not paleo. I have a family of eight to feed on an extremely tight budget. Meals aren't always perfect, but I am going to track everything and aim for keeping within a certain calorie, protein, fat range. I will probably keep track of this through MFP, though as I stated once before, I'm more of a physical paper and pen kinda person. 
 
Grades: A- No snacking, sugar, stay in target range/ 6 days, B- 5 days, C- 4 days, less than 4 Fail
 
GOAL 3:
 
Report here. Please help me with this guys. Last couple of challenges I let this slip. And being accountable is why I came here.
 Daily check in here, and weekly check in with my group the Dai-Gurren Brigade.
 
Grade: A- Daily-6/ Weekly-1, B- Daily 5/ Weekly- 1, C- Daily 4/ Weekly 1, less is a Fail
 
Life Goal:
 
French/ Duolingo. I started this with my friend swampling last challenge when we decided to read the Little Prince in French. Unfortunately, I don't think I picked up as much as I would have liked and I find the Duolingo site to be really helpful.
So, the goal will be a minimum of one French lesson a week on duolingo. 
 
No grade on this.
 
Alrighty...I can do this......
 
Deep breath.....
 
 
64464_513962438661285_1283363129_n.jpg
  • Like 9

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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Yes. You can do this. :encouragement:

If you're starting to doubt, go back to your first challenge threads and see for yourself. ;)

 

And... we'll always be here for you. :cheerful: :cheerful: :cheerful:

 

And not to forget. hooray for Scooby! :triumphant:

  • Like 4

Hobbit 

Challenges: 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9| 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

My shiny new "battle" log - probably more of a plodding-along log, but hey, it's mine!

 

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Thank you my friend! And it's because of you and your support that I can! :cheerful:

 

They were my best challenges.  :) I want to be there again.  ;)

 

Lol, yep..... Hooray for Scooby! I've become quite the fan! :D

 

(though his name still makes me think of the doggie-whom I'm also a fan of.  :P)

  • Like 2

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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Hey Ash!

I will be here cheering too!

I won't write much, it will be busy weeks, but you know that you can count on me!

:)

 

Awww, thank you Clarys....you're an awesome friend and I'm always glad to see you!  :)

 

Hope you won't be crazy busy!  :nevreness:

 

I wish you a wonderful weekend!

  • Like 2

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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Ash, I'm so sorry to hear that your spouse would rather sabotage than support you. It sounds as if you're hitting too close to home for him-- if you make some positive changes, then _he'll_ have to, and he really doesn't want to have to do that! It's easier to bring you down to his level. 

 

So sad. That's got to make it triply hard. Please be aware that there are people here rooting for you who will understand. Please do what you need to do for yourself. Best wishes.

 

As for the recurring injury-- I've had a number of severe injuries I came back from. All you need is _sensible_ rehabilitation, and resist the urge to push too strongly. I have _fully_ recovered from 2 ankle operations, more back problems than I can count, and a nerve pinch in my neck that meant I couldn't use my left arm for a year. A hernia can happen for no reason at all; you didn't _cause_ it. And it's soft tissue; you will rehabilitate well. Be sensible, don't push. It will take longer than you want. So what; you'll get back to where you were. And we'll all applaud when you do. :)

  • Like 4

 


Level 9 Ranger

STR 13 | DEX 10 | STA 21 | CON 19 | WIS 20 | CHA 15

ChallengesCurrent 1 2 3 | 4 | 5 6 7 7.5 8 9 | 10 | 11 | 11.5 | 12  | 13 | 14  

Groups:  | Rangers Walk to Mordor

 

Nerd Fitness Academy level: 0 | Starting over

 

Eat clean, walk strong, age gracefully with joy. 

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I'm here and subbing as usual. :)

I agree with Harihead. Sensible rehabilitation is the key to success.

I may not have much advice but I'll support you all the way. You are the awesome Ms Ash. ;)

Sent from a magical handheld box

  • Like 4

Major Respawn in Progress

Current

Previous Challenges: 1 2 3 4 4.1 5 6
 

"Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement." - Shunryu Suzuki 

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Ash, I'm so sorry to hear that your spouse would rather sabotage than support you. It sounds as if you're hitting too close to home for him-- if you make some positive changes, then _he'll_ have to, and he really doesn't want to have to do that! It's easier to bring you down to his level. 

 

So sad. That's got to make it triply hard. Please be aware that there are people here rooting for you who will understand. Please do what you need to do for yourself. Best wishes.

 

As for the recurring injury-- I've had a number of severe injuries I came back from. All you need is _sensible_ rehabilitation, and resist the urge to push too strongly. I have _fully_ recovered from 2 ankle operations, more back problems than I can count, and a nerve pinch in my neck that meant I couldn't use my left arm for a year. A hernia can happen for no reason at all; you didn't _cause_ it. And it's soft tissue; you will rehabilitate well. Be sensible, don't push. It will take longer than you want. So what; you'll get back to where you were. And we'll all applaud when you do. :)

 

You could not have hit the proverbial nail on the head more accurately. Comfort zones. And he will fight to stay in them. I started to change MYSELF during the first two challenges and he became increasingly more difficult. The more commitment I put in, the worse he got. I thought over time he might except it, even if he didn't like it, but it didn't happen.

 

He acts like I'm personally attacking him. I honestly could care less if he does it or not. I just want to be left alone.

 

Thank you Harihead, I do know. People like you are proof.  :)

 

And you have my most profound respect. After all that and here you are killing challenges! That's awesome! :)

 

Wow, you couldn't use your arm for a year???? How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

 

And I have a question. I do remember you mentioning that you had injured a knee. What kind of rehab did you do?  Do you have someplace you could direct me?

 

Thank you again, the support means a lot. 

  • Like 2

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

I'm here and subbing as usual. :)

I agree with Harihead. Sensible rehabilitation is the key to success.

I may not have much advice but I'll support you all the way. You are the awesome Ms Ash. ;)

Sent from a magical handheld box

 

Lol, you make me laugh every time you say that. :P

 

Thank you lullaby, it's nice having you here.  ;)

 

Now I'm waiting on you to get yours up....hint....hint..... :D

  • Like 2

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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I'm sorry to hear about the home situation - spouses are supposed to be partners, not dead weight. Have sensible conversations gotten down to the root of his discomfort? There must be some (man)logical reason for his pissy-pants attitude?

 

Hey there Countess D'lf!  :)

 

Hmmmm.......a simple way to put this. The fact is that at my husband's wants and wishes come before anyone or anything. Except his mom, who to date has made it her mission to support that cause.

 

It's what he's used to and how he EXPECTS it to be. And if he doesn't get his way, he'll make sure everyone around him wishes he had.  :nonchalance:

 

Yes, talks have been had. But, that only works when the person your talking to is willing to listen.

 

He wants to live the lie that he CAN'T change, that life has conspired to keep him where he is. My changing makes him uncomfortable and changes the way he wants things to stay.

 

Yet he's also the same person who used to tell me I should lose weight and get in shape. Maybe he didn't believe I'd actually do it.

  • Like 2

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

You know I'm here.  Sub'd.  You got this!

 

Without a doubt Forkboy.  ;)

 

And, thank you for all of that.  :)

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

What?!? You're facing your fears, ant that IS awesome!

 

:redface: Thank you Barfly.  ;)

 

Glad you came back. :)

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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extra-pumpkin-spice-de-del0814.jpg

 

 

 

Now, I realize that those of you who do not chew gum will not understand this.........but I am now a very happy girl! :D

  • Like 3

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

haven't tried it, but love pumpkin latte's, so I now I want to give it a try.

 

If it's got pumpkin I'm there, lol. ;)

 

And, this is surprisingly good. Definitely pumpkin spice flavored. :)

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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Good morning, my friend! :cheerful:

 

Ah, the Return of the Pumpkin Spice Gum[TM]... :D

I think I remember that from last fall. I couldn't quite understand it then (not a gum person) and I don't quite understand it now. But if it makes you happy, then it must be a good thing. ;)

 

Have a great Saturday!

:cheerful::love_heart::cheerful:

  • Like 2

Hobbit 

Challenges: 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9| 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

My shiny new "battle" log - probably more of a plodding-along log, but hey, it's mine!

 

Link to post

> Wow, you couldn't use your arm for a year???? How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Computer-related injury, too many hours typing on a poor ergonomic setup. I did electro-stim, acupuncture, massage, and chiropracty for a long time to rehabilitate. Probably two years to be relatively normal. I'm still working on some of the debilitated muscles in my back. 

> I do remember you mentioning that you had injured a knee. What kind of rehab did you do? Do you have someplace you could direct me?

Sorry, I was a Rebel about this. :) I hurt the knee doing a too-aggressive turn in Tai Chi. Two days later I could hardly walk. I limped into the doctor that Friday, and he tugged on the knee and pronounced that probably the meniscus had a little tear but not bad enough to require surgery (I really try to avoid surgery, because it takes so long to recover). So I continued my own RICE treatment (rest-ice-compression-elevation) over the next weeks, taking Advil for the swelling. I did my NF exercises slowly and carefully, using super-perfect form, because if I turned that knee a pinch out of true, I'd get pain shooting up my leg. I might have healed faster if I'd rested completely, but I was unwilling to sacrifice my momentum. So I very slowly and carefully built up. I think it is pretty much okay now-- just in time for Camp Nerd Fitness. :)

 

He acts like I'm personally attacking him.

 

I've seen this behavior from when I was a vegetarian (for 15 years, finally had to resume eating meat). But a lot of people would attack my food choices, as if what I ate was accusing them. So I'm extrapolating that he's got the guilts about his own lifestyle, and is too overwhelmed to change, and your good example is a constant thorn in his side. I'm not too sure what to do about this except to keep the lines of communication open, and be really clear that he is not you and vice versa. I really hope he will get comfortable with it. Best wishes. 

  • Like 2

 


Level 9 Ranger

STR 13 | DEX 10 | STA 21 | CON 19 | WIS 20 | CHA 15

ChallengesCurrent 1 2 3 | 4 | 5 6 7 7.5 8 9 | 10 | 11 | 11.5 | 12  | 13 | 14  

Groups:  | Rangers Walk to Mordor

 

Nerd Fitness Academy level: 0 | Starting over

 

Eat clean, walk strong, age gracefully with joy. 

Link to post

Good morning, my friend! :cheerful:

 

Ah, the Return of the Pumpkin Spice Gum[TM]... :D

I think I remember that from last fall. I couldn't quite understand it then (not a gum person) and I don't quite understand it now. But if it makes you happy, then it must be a good thing. ;)

 

Have a great Saturday!

 

 

Good Afternoon my friend! :cheerful:

 

Lol, thank you. Well,  it has definitely been a good way to deal with the sweet cravings and snacking. Plus I absolutely adore Fall and anything that represents it and pumpkins are at the top of the list. :D

 

And you have a wonderful Sunday! I'm looking forward to your shiny new thread! :cheerful::love_heart::cheerful:

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

Oh Ash, I am really sorry to hear about you going thought that, I can really sympathise from being injured myself, I to am on my 10th challenge and not where I guessed I might be by this point so sounds like we might be at similar journey points, good luck with getting back to the weights, you deserve it!

 

Awww, thank you KingLeeroy! :wub:

 

It's nice to know that I have such wonderful people joining me on that journey, whatever point from which we start. ;)

 

Thank you for making the time to stop in, it's not taken for granted.  :)

 

Good luck to you too!

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

Link to post

> Wow, you couldn't use your arm for a year???? How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Computer-related injury, too many hours typing on a poor ergonomic setup. I did electro-stim, acupuncture, massage, and chiropracty for a long time to rehabilitate. Probably two years to be relatively normal. I'm still working on some of the debilitated muscles in my back. 

> I do remember you mentioning that you had injured a knee. What kind of rehab did you do? Do you have someplace you could direct me?

Sorry, I was a Rebel about this. :) I hurt the knee doing a too-aggressive turn in Tai Chi. Two days later I could hardly walk. I limped into the doctor that Friday, and he tugged on the knee and pronounced that probably the meniscus had a little tear but not bad enough to require surgery (I really try to avoid surgery, because it takes so long to recover). So I continued my own RICE treatment (rest-ice-compression-elevation) over the next weeks, taking Advil for the swelling. I did my NF exercises slowly and carefully, using super-perfect form, because if I turned that knee a pinch out of true, I'd get pain shooting up my leg. I might have healed faster if I'd rested completely, but I was unwilling to sacrifice my momentum. So I very slowly and carefully built up. I think it is pretty much okay now-- just in time for Camp Nerd Fitness. :)

 

He acts like I'm personally attacking him.

 

I've seen this behavior from when I was a vegetarian (for 15 years, finally had to resume eating meat). But a lot of people would attack my food choices, as if what I ate was accusing them. So I'm extrapolating that he's got the guilts about his own lifestyle, and is too overwhelmed to change, and your good example is a constant thorn in his side. I'm not too sure what to do about this except to keep the lines of communication open, and be really clear that he is not you and vice versa. I really hope he will get comfortable with it. Best wishes. 

 

> Wow, kind of freaky thinking something like that could do something that serious!  :nightmare:

 

> Ahh, well I have been doing the REST treatment, but so far it hasn't done much. And, maybe if I stayed completely off of it I might notice more improvement, but that's just not realistically possible. So, I can only hope it will eventually get better. 

 

> Again, you have it correct. But, I've been married a long time and past experience does not offer much hope. 

 

Thank you again Harihead!  :)

  • Like 1

Level 6 Pixie Assassin Rangerish Adventurer
Current Challenge: Guess What??
Previous Challenges:

Spoiler

 

1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 12th 13th 14th  Battle Log
-We can't always change the things we've done, but we can change what we do next.

-I don't have a choice. I deserve a better life and this is what I have to do to get there.
-Whatever doesn't kill me....Had better start running.

 

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