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Fearkiller

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Looking at how my life has been lately, I may bring up dark topics,

like depression, suicide, sadness, vulnerability...

 

1) I will commit to one Random Act of Kindness every week

 

Jitters suggested it'd be helpful to look for opportunities to help other people.

Not just opening a door for someone, or a compliment, but something they will remember,

and smile about.

 

2) Zenhabits 1000 cuts

 

"Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyelding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.
"

 

This has worked before, I got results with it, I felt better. I can do 10 push ups, a little planking, a few lunges...

I feel like shit sometimes, both mentally and physically. Human beings are meant to move, and when that

doesn't happen, it leads to all kinds of problems, right? So I have to get off my butt.

 

3) Find three significant / beautiful / good things I am grateful for, every day.

(I remember Liberator did the same thing before, so tip of a hat her way :) )

 

There has to be, and are, good things in my life, I know it. I forget/don't want to look for them sometimes,

and still they are there.

 

I am alive.

I bought vegetables instead of candy.

My workday wasn't a complete disaster. I still did some productive things.

 

4) Go to work, every day, on time, and do focused, productive work.

 

Last week, I used almost three full workdays on computer games, NF and other shit

not related to work. That is unacceptable. I am not proud of it. They pay me to work there,

and then I cheat on them like this? Makes me feel horrible. I wouldn't go and steal from the

cash register, or lie to my co-workers, but what I am doing is so close I might as well have.

It isn't right. I do not want to be that kind of a person.

 

Also, I will not cut a single meeting with my therapist, and I will be honest with them.

 

  • Like 6

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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15.9 one-minute plank, 2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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I especially like the part about not cutting out on your therapist. Therapy can be immensely helpful when in a slump.

Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Goal weight: 135 lbs (61.2 kg), Starting weight: 200 lbs (90.7 kg)

Current Weight: 196.6 lbs (89.2 kg)

5.2%
5.2%

Battle Log | Challenge

The chronicles of my journey through mental illness.

The Stories Not Told

Break the silence. Fight the stigmas. Don't be afraid to ask for help.


Level 2 Half-Elf

|STR| 4 |DEX| |STA| |CON| |WIS| |CHA| 5

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I eagerly await being inspired by your actions.  Good luck out there.

Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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16.9. I am grateful for...

... getting in bed at 10.25, despite some travelling at the evening

... Meal-wise, quite healthy day - could've certainly done worse

... Mist and birch-leaves and morning dew on grass illuminated by sunrise

do look gorgeous!

 

1000 cuts

10 push ups

60 second plank

10 lunges each leg

 

The therapy sure sheds light to some part of me and my life I wouldn't wish to see.

Still, it's helping, so gotta stick with it.

  • Like 2

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Sometimes therapy makes us focus on things that hurt but that is how we can heal. Keep up the good work.

Goal weight: 135 lbs (61.2 kg), Starting weight: 200 lbs (90.7 kg)

Current Weight: 196.6 lbs (89.2 kg)

5.2%
5.2%

Battle Log | Challenge

The chronicles of my journey through mental illness.

The Stories Not Told

Break the silence. Fight the stigmas. Don't be afraid to ask for help.


Level 2 Half-Elf

|STR| 4 |DEX| |STA| |CON| |WIS| |CHA| 5

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What a wonderful, wonderful challenge!  It makes me smile.  Thank you for that.  :)

Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

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Ooo, 1000 cuts sounds fun.  I always heard it was nice to have a pull-up bar in the doorframe and do pull-up's every time you walk by it, but it nicely incorporates some other things too.  When working at home, I sort of tried the same idea at a point to help keep myself awake and focused by doing exercise of some type whenever I started running down.  Looking forward to your progress!

Level 10 Vegetarian Vampire Warrior

STR: 16 DEX: 7 STA: 6 WIS: 46 CON: 27 CHA: 17

Intro | Challenge: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

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subscribing for the positivity! I have to remember that there are things to be grateful for as well... Therapy is a great thing for sure, it has helped pull me out of my slumps, and hopefully will continue to do so for you. :) I'm with you friend! :)

Level 6.5 Female Druid/Celtic Goddess
(Str. - 14) (Dex. - 10) (Sta. - 11) (Con. - 10) (Wis. - 11) (Char. - 13)

My Most Recent Challenge!

Spoiler

Awake every morning and do your best to follow this daily To-Do List:

1. Think Positively 2. Eat Healthy 3. Exercise Today. 4. Worry Less. 5. Work Hard. 6. Laugh Often. 7. Sleep Well.

Then? Repeat...

"Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
RIP C.H. aka. TexasToast

 

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Kept putting the RAK off, and then suddenly it's week 2 already.

 

I need to do two this week. First will be taking three 20 € bills and hiding them between library books with a note,

"this is for you".

 

The story is that I lost a bet, but my uncle wouldn't take the money, and I got the feeling he didn't treat me as an equal,

even when we had a gentleman's agreement about the bet. But, because of that, I feel the money isn't mine anymore,

and I can't use it to buy something, but have to give it away.

 

Gratefulness

18.9

I am grateful that I got my graphics card back and have my computer up again

(sucked to be without, though more than it had right to be...)

...

...

 

20.9

I am grateful that I can read in the first place, and that I am fluent also in the English language

I am grateful that I have a family and they are healthy

I am grateful for the lessons dark patches in life teach

 

21.9

I am grateful that I know about the dark parts in myself, because knowing is a part of acceptance.

... even if they are horrible pieces.

...

...

 

22.9

I am grateful for silence as a way to calm my head and heart

I am grateful for all those beautiful people I have gotten help with my depression. NF, councellors, therapists...

Without their help, I would be even deeper down, maybe not even here at all.

I am grateful for Brene Brown's work, because... There are things that hit hard, and for me her work

makes awful lot of sense ('awful' because truth hurts), but still, the bottom line is: "It is immensely hard... but possible."

Knowing about it gives me a fighting chance to do it.

 

23.9

I am grateful for salad (it tasted good, and I need nutrients)

I am grateful for NF -to get and give support, and see people supporting each other,

it's beautiful :love_heart:

 

[1000 cuts to be added later]

  • Like 5

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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That is a fantastic RAK.  Well done!

Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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That is an amazing act of kindness, and I imagine it will really make someone's day.  Shame about your uncle, but you were able to turn it into something good.

 

It's also great that you developed that attitude about dark patches. 

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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I am grateful for my day off. It turned out okay.

I am grateful that I met my friend today.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to comment

I am grateful that I had something to put into microwave and eat fast this evening.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Keep this up.  Definitely can relate to being grateful for quick food.

 

How have things been going besides that?

It's quite messy and suicidal in my head right now, but I don't want to say "it's alright" when it isn't.

 

I know many reasons I shouldn't kill myself, but I can't feel like any of those reasons means much.

 

I have always thought I love my family, but how can I plan suicide and claim that I love them at the

same time?

 

What I am struggling now is that I do not care about myself. If I allowed myself to  do that,

it would only mean more pain. All the struggle doesn't feel worth it,

I'm being quite the selfish jerkass lately, I've done about 3-4 hours of real work at the library on

the last three days, blowing heaps of hours to non-work-related internet-shit...

 

I'm trying to flee pain into books & games, it works only that time, and when I stop,

it's all here again. So, if they don't help, they are worthless, and somewhere it becomes a leap to

"nothing is worth it", either because things doesn't really help, or are too much work, and I can't find

the why behind it.

 

I didn't tell my therapist or family about the suicidal thoughts, they'd only try to stop me, haven't done

any schoolwork...

 

I'm just banging my head into the impossibility of suicide (I've still got ~60 years left, can't think of a pain-free way to do it - to me or others,

because there isn't one!), can't even start writing the fucking letters I'd leave for people, what am I supposed to say to them anyway?,

but keep thinking it a lot, where the hell do I go afterwards?! I'm just fucking scared... I know, or maybe don't, the reasons why,

I know, but then don't know what to do to solve the problems. Yet again, I feel I don't want to get better, I just keep killing time until it is time

to go... I feel quite much incomprehensible. Even I can't understand myself anymore.

 

1000 cuts it's a fuzz when I exactly did these, but here they are

3 pull ups, 1 chin up, 50 second plank, 10 lunges each leg, 10 push ups, 1 minute plank, 20 leg raises

 

gratefulness:

- I am grateful for my heartbeat, listening to it calmed me down a bit

- The stuff they use to patch cracks in pavement looks like molten asphalt, and if you pry it off,

it's like soft plastic - I was fascinated with it, like a small child.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to comment

*hug* Maybe you should tell the therapist.  They can't stop you forever, but maybe they can stop you for long enough.

 

As for peeling the asphalt sealant... find more mindless stuff like that.  Buy a low-temp glue gun and colored sticks for it.  Make a scavenger hunt bottle.  Put a bowl of uncooked rice on your desk and just run your fingers through it.  Learn how to knit washcloths.

  • Like 1

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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