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Nuala has to learn how to face and not to flee


Nuala

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Warning! This thread contains a lot of ranting and whining and unhappy things. Feel free to skip all that part, I don't even want to write it so you don't bother reading it. :P

 

Truth to be said, I have some issues. Probably more than I want to admit. And those issues tends to makes me stagnate in my life.

 

1 - I'm highly sensitive. Up to the point it's hindering me in my social life. I have gave up on movies ages ago, a sad one will keep me depressed for days, often light comedies usually uses some cliché characters that makes me angry, don't even start me on happy ending, when antagonist character are well written I also empathise with them. Other media are the same, I cry with books, cartoons, video games, comics, reading people stories, cat pictures and so on. It also makes me very vulnerable to critics, if someone, for some reasons, reproach me something it makes me physically sick, provoke insomnia and anxiety crisis. Knowing that I tend to avoid conflicts but it goes to the extent that I avoid looking at some potential source of conflict.  For example, paperwork is a source of anxiety for me. If I get a mail, I will deliberately avoid looking at it, when I manage to force myself to open the envelope, I will not read the mail. I will let it somewhere on my desk until the day I will open the mail (but not read it) and so on. So paperwork usually takes me a few day to be sorted and the anxiety is piling up meanwhile. Meeting family or friends is ok because I am an expert at changing subject to some more "safe" ones. No need to say, Christmas dinners are VERY tiring for me. Of course, I try to avoid conflicts but I also unwillingly provoke them because:

 

2 - I always sabotage myself. Every time I could be successful in something (work, fitness...) or every time I'm close to achieve something, I sabotage myself. Recent example, I've been wanting to be <20 BF% for ages. It's not that hard to do, I'm but 5 kg from that goal (plus or minus) but every time I approach 50 kg I freak out and spend a few days eating way too much and thus, I get all my kg back.. Same thing for everything job related, I can do a perfect job for 90% of a project and then mess up badly the last 10%. I suspect this is because I also suffer of

 

3 - Impostor syndrome. I consider myself as average at best, in everything I does. Everyone around me praises my cooking skills, for me it's definitely nothing much and furthermore something that anyone can do.  Those who tried my bento all says that I should become a cook or open my restaurant, I just can't imagine that happen. I expect more people leaving the restaurant saying "I could do the same at home" and they would be probably right. It's the same for climbing (I suck), Hula hooping (I'm just a beginner!), coding (My BF is better than I!) I can't accept praises because I feel they are told out of pity or at least just here to be polite. And that's because I have!

 

4 - Low self esteem. Well, obviously :P In a way I'd like to be able to find something I'm good at but even if I was good at something, I would say that I am average and easily replaceable.

 

Last challenge was pretty hard for me for all these reasons. I had some delay with work that led to insomnia several days in a row along with difficulties to breath. I tried to escape the stress by reading comics and playing video games but that's not really productive. ^^ I should find something better to do.

 

Sorry for the ranting, it's not really constructive, I'm not quite sure of what to do to get better, I just hope that putting that here will stop it from getting worse.

 

 

So here I am, and for once in time for a new challenge! Or an unchallenge. I have not decided yet. :D

 

2 challenges ago Apfelstrudi gave me some Hooping orders, onbody ankles -> neck and neck -> ankle. I can now do hip -> neck -> knees easily. I'm starting to get the knee -> hips part right, then there will be the ankles -> knee part. So, slowly getting there. I'm always taking my hoops at the climbing gym and a lot of people are very happy to try them, so I'm spreading the hoop word :D

 

Climbing-wise, I had one good day where I solved 2 V3 in a row. I also went to Bleau last week-end for a nice climbing (or attempts at! ) session!

 

And a video I edited today to give me an excuse not to do real work ;)

 

For this challenge I will try to focus on Hooping, climbing and coding. Bonus points if I reduce my escape rate. Good luck all!

  • Like 1

Nuala, level 13 Robot mistress of pain, Assassin Guild leader

 

First journey: The Rise and fall of an Assassin

#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13

Second journey: Crawling back

#1

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I can relate to the imposter syndrome, I do that too.

It's hard when e see how far we have to go to get to be the person we want to be. From my perspective though, just in the time on NF I've seen you grow so much and take on challenges. Don't forget to look back and see what you have accomplished and remember it is a journey.

 

You started climbing and worked through your fear of that

 

You decided to sell your Bento Boxes, which was a big intimidating step

 

You did so many things to help grow the Assassin guild to what it is, both organizationally and encouragement.A guild leader is a huge job and you did it fantastically.

 

Now you can even hang upside down when you climb, which is totally awesome.

  • Like 1

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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That's reasonable to think that way of course but it just doesn't work with me... My sensitivity wins over reason all the time. I'm trying to use reason to fight my issues. But it's like using a water gun to fight a fire. Not really effective.

So yeah, I can climb upside down but still progress slower than anyone I climb with. I started selling some.bento but my website is still not ready and I haven't tried to expand it either. I may have been guild leader but well, the guild seems to be still as strong as ever, so I'm not necessary :D

So, yeah. Point 4 is very strong.

Nuala, level 13 Robot mistress of pain, Assassin Guild leader

 

First journey: The Rise and fall of an Assassin

#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13

Second journey: Crawling back

#1

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That's reasonable to think that way of course but it just doesn't work with me... My sensitivity wins over reason all the time. I'm trying to use reason to fight my issues. But it's like using a water gun to fight a fire. Not really effective.

So yeah, I can climb upside down but still progress slower than anyone I climb with. I started selling some.bento but my website is still not ready and I haven't tried to expand it either. I may have been guild leader but well, the guild seems to be still as strong as ever, so I'm not necessary :D

So, yeah. Point 4 is very strong.

Agreed, it's hard. I'm almost twice your age and still learning how to combat those thoughts, not an easy task

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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There's no way I'm missing a challenge filled with climbing, hooping, and coding!  Wow.  That boulder route looks really smooth.  All of the holds look really slippery and small.

 

For the other stuff, I mean this in the nicest way, but have you considered taking any anti anxiety meds?  I'm pretty sensitive, get stressed very easily, and have imposter syndrome problems, and taking zoloft has helped me out quite a bit.  At least for me, any feelings of anxiety or frustration are still there.  I still worry about whether people are sincere when they compliment me.  I still worry about whether I just totally suck at things.  But at least now, it's much easier for me to just let it go and move on with my life.  And it's easier for me to not replay things 50 million times in my own mind or obsessively fret about things.  Life is too short to spend so much time stressed out and unhappy.

 

I'm really sorry that you have low self esteem.  I think you're totally awesome and badass, and that's not at all insincere or out of pity.  You're incredibly athletic, and you've really done some amazing things in your time on NF.  I think one of the problems with low self esteem and the imposter syndrome is that you have already prejudged yourself very negatively.  Then, you're cherry picking other people's best accomplishments and comparing them with your worst failures.  And then you find yourself lacking because other people's best is better than your worst.  See how silly that is when I write it out?  But if you're going to ignore all of the things you do well, and then focus too much on your shortcomings, you're always going to feel crappy.  

 

I don't know if it's happening this challenge, but in previous ones, people have had positivity based PVPs.  Or they've had goals where they have to find something positive to say about themselves every day.  It might be helpful for you to try to make positivity a habit.  

 

I hope at least some of this is helpful.  Good luck with everything.  :)

Level 30? who the hell knows anymore? Direwolf Assassin/Ranger - current challenge

 ACL rehab thread      2016 parkour

My tutorials:

handbalancing: crow, flying crow, side crow, crow->headstand->crow  Bo staff: strikes 1 2 3, spins 1 2

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Glad to see you back! Can't wait to see you knock this challenge out, and watch some climbing too

I'll be here to encourage as much as can be done online, PM me to let me know if there's any extra encouragement I can give

Current Challenge: System Reboot

Last Challenge:Installing, Please Wait

Previous Challenges:23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Yay you're back, with cute video nonetheless.  :)
 

May I offer you an alternative perspective, with a warning that some see it as depressing while for me it's freeing.

 

None of us are special snowflakes and we're ALL replaceable. Colleagues, friends, partners... On the grand scheme of things we're all farts in the wind. And there will always be someone better than you at something. And someone worse than you. So is there really a point in trying to live up to an arbitrary standard of good, or should we just do things that bring us joy at the moment? All we can do is really to keep learning, improving and having fun.

I know it's easier said than done, I myself rant about sucking at climbing pretty much every time I go. But then show me one single climber that think they're amazing. No matter the grades we climb we all suck. :) So why all the judgement?
 

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You know, when I started at the assassins guild you were like a intergalactic badass for me. And after reading your post, you are even more so! I can relate to pretty much all of your problems, this past year especially 1 (uni letters, argh),  2 (procrastinating instead of studying) and 3 (me a uni student? I'm way too dumb for that) have been plagued me. We all have our demons, but going on, improving bit by bit, accepting setbacks and move past them eventually, is what is important. And I know you will do that, because you already have!

the artist usually known as WALDGEIST

Epic Quests

Challenges by theme

 

Star Wars: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #5B, #6, #6B, #10, #11, #16, #17, (Current Callenge)

TeenWolf: #7

SHIELD: #8, #12, #13, #14, #15

Magicians: #9

 

"It's never too late, to become what you could've been!"

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Subbing for the Awesomeness that is Nuala!

Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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As someone who has met you several times, I can tell you a few things from personal experience with you. You're sweet, but you have that french sense of humour which makes you all the more appealing! You took an almost complete stranger (me) and made me feel at home and have an absolutely amazing night, which I still relate to people about my time in Paris. Simple things, things most people don't realize are the ones you remember about people. The fact that you helped me argue with a French bar tender because he was being silly and wouldn't speak in English so I wouldn't speak to him in French, remember? You're not an imposter, you're just harder on yourself than you should be. Because even my limited times spent with you were very fun. And when I asked you about your business, coding, etc, you didn't shy away from it at all. You were quite succinct about it and told me your plans and then said you were struggling with making yourself do it.

 

So this is just my take on it from that experience, but maybe you aren't sharing with the people around, but didn't shy away from it with me because you expect more judgement from them, where you open up more about it online and thus it wasn't so scary? 

 

On that note, perhaps ease your family into what you're doing and what you're trying to overcome. You're an incredibly tenacious and hard worker (look at how great you got at climbing!) and if you told them where you are currently and where you hope to be, they'll cheer with you about your progress forward. 

 

But I do want to reinforce that when I met you, I was going through a lot of hard stuff and our frank discussions about life and everything really helped me. So I just want you to know how much support you'll get from me, since I'm going to be in your corner eeveerrry step of the way! (also side note, I'm visiting Ele in November, wanna meet at the Troll and do some climbing toooo?)

Lvl. 10 Half-Elf Assassin

 

My Current Challenge

 

My Daily Battle Log

 

 

 

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<3 hooping, climbing, and coding!

 

I echo the recommendation to maybe consider anti-anxiety medication or even something like therapy to help you work through these thoughts. I don't know if they have stigma associated with them where you live, but even if they do, I've seen lots of good things come from these options.

 

We can tell you over and over again that we think you are great (because we do!), but if you don't believe us, it's not going to help very much, I would guess. Still <3 regardless.

Raptron, alot assassin

67666564636261605958 575655545352515049484746454443424140393837363534333231302928272625242322212019181716151413121110987 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

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Thanks for your replies, it makes me a bit ashamed of having disappeared recently.

 

@Nymeria: that's one thing with outdoor bouldering that's difficult for me: the holds are invisible. oO This problem is famous for that, you have to be extremely precise with you feet and hands. You can see my feet slipping several time on the video, it's because there is only one place where the feet can stick, because there is a tiny little bump on the rock that you can't actually see. It's just insane. The next move after the end of the video is as crazy, it's a big slopper that's apparently suppose to hold well (a bit high for me though) but when you look at it there is nothing at all! You just know it's here because of the white chalk left by the previous climbers. Outdoor climbing is really different and thus really difficult for me. I have to train more if I want to achieve something there. On the other hand, my BF is having a blast everytime there. He just love the feeling of the stone.

 

I was actually prescribed anti-anxiety meds at one point. I was not sure what was wrong with me at that time and was spending some nights believing that I had a lung/throat cancer or an heart attack. >_> My doctor only prescribed me some light ones and I didn't feel that much of an effect. She was concerned that stronger ones would just be too much for me to handle.

 

For the positivity PVP against the low self-esteem, well, I already tried in my corner that and that didn't really work that well. I mainly felt silly :P

 

 

@Nightwatcher13: thanks :D

 

@MadHatter: I had a lot of fun learning how to give an "old movie" feeling to my video! It's not perfect (the sound of the Super 8 is cutting when I'm looping on it, but it was impossible to test in live, my computer was on its knees already and processing the video was taking more than half an hour so I just gave up on fine tuning).

 

What about melted snowflakes? And I'm not sure. Maybe I'm judging myself because I try not to judge anyone else? Good question actually!

 

@Waldgeist: Haha, sorry to disappoint :D I have yet to visit the universe too.

 

@Red: I'll do my best !

 

@Pradigm: Now I'm scared about what French sense of humour is supposed to be for you. :o You know that the bartender is still asking for you? ;) We definitely have to meet in November, Troll and climbing seems good! (Please, please, PLEASE, tell me it's not the week-end of the 8-9, I won't be in Paris, I'll be visiting my family).

To answer your suggestion, my struggles are not something I want to bother my family with. I've been a "bad" daughter and took my independence very early, leaving the family home at 20 to live 650km afar, to my mother despair because she would have like to keep me a bit more. I don't see them often so, when I do I only want to take care of them as much as possible (as you can guess, I spend all of my time cooking and everyone knows that.. so many people who visits when I'm around, my father keeps on teasing me >_>). I won't risk talking to my sister because she has her own problems and is VERY talkative about them so I wouldn't be able to speak much to her either :P So, yeah, family is a big no, I'm too far away from them to make them worry for that.

And sharing is.. weird. It's not that I'm shy, embarrassed or anything. It's just that I can't seems to express myself that well when asked some questions. My mind goes blank and I feel like a schoolgirl whose teacher asked a question in the class. Forums are easier in that way because I can take the time to type and describe my feelings, but IRL? No way. Blackboard anxiety.

 

@it'sDaniel: Well, thanks and nice to meet you! Even if I remember you name from before, that's my ex guild-leader skills, remembering all the assassins :D

 

@raptron: yay raptron  \o/

 

[spoilers]No stigma at all :) As said above I already took some light anti-anxiety meds before but they were not effective. I'll see with my doctor next time I need to see her. [/spoilers]

 

Fun fact about Nuala

When I stepped in to take control of the guild (Evil mastermind style mouahahahahahha) I was actually expecting everyday to get a PM from someone who would tell me to shut up and stop bothering the assassins. Reading my PM was freaking me out. So, if you sent me a PM at that time and was wondering why I would take so much time to answer it.. well now you have your answer :D

  • Like 1

Nuala, level 13 Robot mistress of pain, Assassin Guild leader

 

First journey: The Rise and fall of an Assassin

#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13

Second journey: Crawling back

#1

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I think you are pretty awesome! Just saying.

 

I knew a very excellent young lady about 20 years ago. She had some similar issues/concerns. It was really unpleasant for her. She lucked into a roommate, a girl from Russia, whose standard response was 'well fuck _____!'. After a year of every time she said 'I don't think he could ever like me' "well fuck him!", 'I am a shitty student' "fuck you, I wish I was a s good of a student as you", 'they dont don't understand me' "then they are stupid!", 'but it all messes with my head' "fuck you and your head, you are awesome, and I am right. Don't try to deny it" she was much less contained by it all. It was still there, but she had learned to roll right over it. 

 

So maybe try to imagine a really abrasive, supportive friend to speak truth to you, and do what she says. 

 

As Shoma Morita said:

 

"Give up on yourself. Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator or unhealthy or lazy or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die."

 

Which you are already doing, from what I can see. 

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I have to say, I'm with Mad Hatter on this (specifically, with what she wrote under her spoiler). Though I'd also add that the most important thing is to be the best you can be, here and now, and never stop learning and growing. You will always be able to find someone who's better than you at any given thing, and that's ok. Comparing yourself to others is like trying to determine which is the better mountain: Mount Everest or Tunnel Mountain. They're both good at being the mountains that they are, they both have different features that make them noteworthy, but they're both so different, you can't compare them and say one's better. They just simply are.

  • Like 1

Dare mighty things

Current Challenge

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Echoing what everyone else has already said, You, dear Nuala, are an amazing, wonderful person, in real life AND on NF!

Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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Ok, I'll try some more positive thinking. From now on, if someone tells me I'm good at something ( like hopping) I won't answer any more that I'm but a beginner, instead I will thank them and tell that I'm hoping to get even better.

  • Like 3

Nuala, level 13 Robot mistress of pain, Assassin Guild leader

 

First journey: The Rise and fall of an Assassin

#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13

Second journey: Crawling back

#1

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Man, I always feel awkward taking compliments! I know your pain, Nuala!

Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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The sign of a good leader is that they set things up in such a way that even when they step down, things continue to run smoothly. 

So don't let the fact that things didn't collapse with your absence make you doubt how valuable you've been, dammit!

Main Quest: becoming a decent kettlebell lifter and a great coach

Current challenge: KB Girl stomps on some frogs and goes to sleep (maybe)

my instagram - my gym's instagram

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I spent the last 2 days freaking out because I had an email from my clients to read. I felt really silly when I finally managed to open it and read it one hour later because it was not bad news, just them telling me there would be a bit of delay for their tests. (Good news for me in a way)

I added a calendar and started working on some new features on my bento website, boyfriend was impressed because it looks quite nice, not that I am responsible for the template but at least it works well so I took over myself to accept the compliment.

Today was climbing day, I was not really productive with the hoop but I managed to solve 2 new blue problems (6A/V3) so I'm actually super happy with myself!

One in the other, I think I'll sleep well tonight and that's a relief. My goal for this week is to use the delay with my clients to make sure everything is perfect before they start testing so I can avoid the stress!

  • Like 2

Nuala, level 13 Robot mistress of pain, Assassin Guild leader

 

First journey: The Rise and fall of an Assassin

#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, #12, #13

Second journey: Crawling back

#1

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Glad to hear that it turned out to be nothing at all...

 

Nothing at all...

 

Nothing at all...

 

tumblr_mpjexnVCwH1rryfdvo1_500.gif

Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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Hey Nuala,

 

Been a long time.

 

First off hiya, and all that stuffs.

 

Second I wanted to let you know that since you started your bento boxes, I have always wished France was much closer to Florida so I could partake.

I finally have found a company doing a similar process near me, and I have joined in.

 

Thanks for the inspiration, hell I might even join in on challenges again.... Maybe.

 

Best of luck!

Kyliewyotie
 

Level 15 Coyote Tinkerer
STR 27  DEX 18  STA 15  CON 14  WIS 14  CHA 12

Current Challenge

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