Gained weight while rebelling - can rebels help me lose it?

[shaeon]

I'm a 41 year old female, and my weight has been up and down a lot, but I've remained obese since about my mid-20s. I don't know precisely when I truly became overweight - starting around the time that I was about 12 or 13 (basically puberty), I got told by my parents that I "would be so pretty, if only you would lose a few pounds." I remember being a freshman in high school and being within the average weight range for my height according to the BMI, but believing that wearing size 12 jeans meant I was fat. Oh, to fit into those size 12's again. At some point in college, while STILL hearing that being pretty was completely dependent on me losing weight, I decided I just didn't care - if I was fat then I would just be fat. I would eat whatever I wanted, I would do whatever I wanted. This came at the same time as a lot of other anger and rebellion which I think was largely related to struggling with coming out of the closet as well, and around this same time I stopped being accountable for a lot of things, which in part meant I stopped weighing myself. So I don't really know when exactly all the weight came on, but it has stayed since.

Imagine my surprise a year ago when a friend of mine posted a "Throwback Thursday" photo of the two of us from around about the time I was 13 or 14, and I realized that I was an absolutely, completely average looking kid. I stared at it for a long time trying to see why, exactly, that kid needed to lose weight. I still don't have any answers. And weight is still tied to my self-esteem and my sense of attractiveness. 

 

In the years since, mostly I've been healthy in spite of my weight. I did have acute pancreatitis due to mis-handling of gallstones, and had to have abdominal surgery and now, while I can do some ab exercises, I can't handle an entire ab workout (by doctor's orders). That situation going so wrong was due to bad practices by a doctor, but, well, gallstones are a really common problem for people who are overweight. I also had a little blood pressure scare this year, and while my doctor determined it isn't a chronic problem yet, I feel like I need to take it really seriously so that that doesn't happen. So there have been small health problems that can definitely be linked to my eating and exercise habits.

 

Over a year ago I joined Weight Watchers and at first, I had really good momentum and lost 38 pounds. But then my willpower dropped, there were personal issues which made it really clear to me that I'm an emotional eater, and I've gained back 18 of those pounds and have found it very difficult to lose them again. 

What I would like to find here - what I really hope to find - is like-minded community. I'd like to find a group of regulars that I can hit it off with, who offer encouragement. While I attended Weight Watchers meetings, you don't really get that there. People just show up, weigh in, listen to what is said, and go about their day. People don't really bother to get to know each other or form bonds. I'd like a place where bonds can be formed. 

What I want to accomplish is weight loss, a greater sense of self REGARDLESS of how my body looks, and the ability to do a pull up! 

What I would LOVE to accomplish is looking awesome in my cosplay. I'd like my body to match the way I feel wearing costumes. 

I have a primary goal of losing 50 pounds through healthy eating and exercise. This is my goal because when I had pancreatitis, I lost that much due to sickness, in a really unhealthy way. I'd like to lose that much in a healthy way, and consider that a good starter goal. 

 

So that's me. Hi! I look forward to meeting you. 

[Eleanorsbee]

Welcome to NF,

 

Nice first post, it looks like you already know the reason behind your struggles and where you ideally want to be ... that was the hard part in my opinion and why so often we fail at putting ourselves right. AND (I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "and", but it works so well) .... AND, Congratulations for Finding NF ... most of the other fitness forums, tell you how to diet, or tell you how to bulk, or tell you how to get fit. ...... NF covers all of that + the spiritual side of things, hobbies, emotional, sexual .. you name it ..... we cover it .... intact its so awesome here, we can post pictures of out fat bottoms or manboobs and no one bats an eyelid.

 

Its definitely about the community here .. you will fit right in .... seemingly more so if you have an unhealthy affection towards cats 

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Welcome!

 

I think well-meaning others must not realize how insulting they're being when they start with "you could be so pretty if..." Sigh.

 

But, the most important question: Who do you like to cosplay? And who have you not cosplayed yet and want to?

[shaeon]

Thanks for the greetings, guys!

 

I was thinking about this last night after I posted. What cosplay would make me feel the best after shaping up?

 

A couple of years ago I cross-played as Daryl from Walking Dead while at DragonCon. If you're going to spend a weekend running around in the Atlanta heat, dressing as a guy who is always sleeveless is an excellent choice. My costume itself was great - I watched videos of costumers for the show distressing clothing to get tips on how they do it. I made a stencil from reference photos and hand painted the angel wings that go on the back of his vest. I even made my own necklace of severed walker ears. But I didn't look anything like someone who was struggling through a zombie apocalypse, and I certainly looked nothing like our favorite badass.

 

So I think the costume I would most like to do after reaching a few goals would be the Daryl cross-play. This time, I'd like for people to look at me and think "oh yeah, if Daryl were a girl, she would be EXACTLY like that."

[shaeon]

So day two of being on Nerd Fitness. I signed up for the emails and completed the day one quest yesterday (walked for ten minutes). Before joining here I was already on a cardio and weight training program at a gym I recently joined, but after browsing through the various articles about weight training, I realized that the weights program I'm on is entirely too wimpy and isn't goal oriented - it doesn't make me sweat, and it depends entirely too much on using machines that restrict me to isolated movements. So since yesterday was a weight day anyway, I did dumbbell rows instead of using the row machine, did bodyweight back extensions instead of using the extension machine, and did modified inverted rows (I'm not strong enough to lie on my back and pull myself up to the bar - YET!). I'm serious about getting strong enough to do a pull up. I wasn't even able to do multiple pull ups when I was a kid.

 

So In addition to the daily quests, I'm going to rewrite my personal weight lifting schedule and work in the beginner's weight lifting routine along with the work I'm doing to work towards my first pull up.

 

Also, I realize that I didn't answer your question about who I haven't cosplayed but would love to, Lalie. Korra from Legend of Korra would be awesome. If I had the body of The Avatar, I would cosplay as her.

 

And Eleanorsbee - well, I have two cats and a tendency to instagram pictures of them. I'm not sure if that qualifies as an unhealthy affection towards them, but if cat-lovers abound here, I should fit in.

[Granny Nogg]

I just kept clicking like... and like... and like!
 

Just wanna say hi.  It sounds like you're getting motivated and already setting (and refining) your goals.  Awesomeness. 

[shaeon]

Hi Cat! Thank you!

[goodbye_farewell]

So day two of being on Nerd Fitness. I signed up for the emails and completed the day one quest yesterday (walked for ten minutes). Before joining here I was already on a cardio and weight training program at a gym I recently joined, but after browsing through the various articles about weight training, I realized that the weights program I'm on is entirely too wimpy and isn't goal oriented - it doesn't make me sweat, and it depends entirely too much on using machines that restrict me to isolated movements. So since yesterday was a weight day anyway, I did dumbbell rows instead of using the row machine, did bodyweight back extensions instead of using the extension machine, and did modified inverted rows (I'm not strong enough to lie on my back and pull myself up to the bar - YET!). I'm serious about getting strong enough to do a pull up. I wasn't even able to do multiple pull ups when I was a kid.

 

YES! Keep reading and learning. There is a wealth of information here. So glad to hear you getting away from the machines and doing some real work. Also, please consider joining a 6 week challenge so that you can formulate plan and have support from fellow rebels while hitting your goals. You can jump in late on this one, or wait til the next one (early-November).

 

Also remember, weight loss isn't easy or everyone would do it. There will be ups and downs. The NF community is good at cheering for your ups, but more importantly, picking you up when you are down.

 

Good Luck!

[shaeon]

Thanks, Wovercast! I had used free weights some before and definitely had a preference for them. They clearly get better results than the machines do. But I didn't have as much information about the kinds of things I could do with free weights as I do here on Nerd Fitness. That's been a real benefit.

 

I will eventually do a challenge. However, I have to have a minor surgery in mid-November. It's supposed to be quick recovery but I still need to talk to my doctor about how it will affect my exercise regiment (we have an appointment in early November to discuss things). So I don't want to start a challenge while I know that it will be interrupted by some physical down-time.

 

That isn't stopping me from having some goals to work towards, though. Building the strength to do a pull up is definitely going to take me a while, and I don't see any point in holding off on starting the work towards that until after surgery. The down time isn't going to reverse absolutely everything I've done up to that point. So I have started a battle log, and it takes into account that I have that coming up, but that I want to be as fit as I can be by the time I go in for this surgery.

[goodbye_farewell]

Keep in mind that challenges do not have be physical. You can do a challenge that is nothing but focused on keeping your diet in check while recovering from surgery... Food for thought!

[Eleanorsbee]

Food for thought ???? .... Hmmm I think I have been on a thought calorie deficit for while going on the weight of my thoughts ... It could be time to start bulking

[shaeon]

Hm. A challenge that keeps my diet in check during recovery is a pretty good idea. Thanks!

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

That isn't stopping me from having some goals to work towards, though. Building the strength to do a pull up is definitely going to take me a while, and I don't see any point in holding off on starting the work towards that until after surgery. The down time isn't going to reverse absolutely everything I've done up to that point. So I have started a battle log, and it takes into account that I have that coming up, but that I want to be as fit as I can be by the time I go in for this surgery.

 

I think that this is a fantastic idea.

[Kaylya]

Unfortunately your story of being a relatively normal weight and feeling ashamed about not fitting the Hollywood ideal, and then gaining more and more weight is all too common

You can also split up your goals for the challenge into a pre-surgery part and a post-surgery part. I have frequently split up my challenges around some substantial event.

[shaeon]

Thanks, Kaylya. I'm not sure my parents were comparing me to a Hollywood ideal when I was a kid, but I think they were comparing me to my older sister. I found out a few years ago that she was anorexic throughout all of her teen years, and struggled with it on into her 20s. I remember her being obsessed with staying under 95 pounds (she's 5'5" - this is NOT a healthy weight for her height), I remember when she pushed herself so hard in an aerobics class that she got a hernia. But for some reason, it never hit me that all that time I was feeling like a fat kid who would never look as good as her, she was struggling with her own demons. Being a teenager is hard. I still have no idea what the deal was in my family with weight.

 

But yeah. It's one of those things that if I had access to the TARDIS, I would go back in time and tell Little Shaeon that she looks just fine. But that's not possible - and of course it would create a tear in the time-space continuum and so it's probably unethical as well.

 

Seriously though, I still deal with feeling angry at my parents about it, but when it comes down to it they didn't know the harm they were doing. For all I know, my mom had her own issues from her mom. The only thing I can really do is put it behind me and start living up to my own standards instead of someone else's.

[shaeon]

Lalie, ever since you asked what I would like to cosplay upon reaching my weight goals, it is all I can think about. Toph Beifong. Charlie Bradbury (in her LARP gear). Sarah Connor. Ripley!

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

YEAH! Costumes are a great motivator!! You could pick the one you want to do the most and start working on pieces now that won't require resizing once you hit your weight goals. Toph's headband (Or is it a hat? I've never seen Avatar.) or Charlie's crest and shoulder armor. Or start scouting out fabric and getting supplies so that once you hit your goals you'll have everything ready!

[Lady Hawk]

welcome aboard!! I totally understand where you're coming from - and this community is great for people like you and me! If you read Steve's blog - check out his posts on becoming Antifragile (July1 and 8, 2014). The things we believe hold us back can be turned upside-down and conquered by rebels like us!! Cheers to a better future and our own success!!

[shaeon]

Wow, Lady Hawk. I especially liked the July 8 article on becoming Antifragile. This addresses not only how I feel right now about my fitness level, but also some bold changes I want to make in my life (more travel, possibly relocating). Very appropriate to what's going on with me right now. Thank you so much!

[Granny Nogg]

Thank you for sharing the Antifragile blog posts, Lady Hawk! Those were great!

[Lady Hawk]

Wow, Lady Hawk. I especially liked the July 8 article on becoming Antifragile. This addresses not only how I feel right now about my fitness level, but also some bold changes I want to make in my life (more travel, possibly relocating). Very appropriate to what's going on with me right now. Thank you so much!

 

 

Thank you for sharing the Antifragile blog posts, Lady Hawk! Those were great!

The antifragile stuff resonated with me too. So often I think I can't do something because of ... my weight... my time... my inflexibility... whatever excuse comes to mind. The trick is finding out how to clear your mind of can't. The only one holding you back is you!!

[Allons-y!]

Welcome to NF (and sorry I'm kinda late)!

 

When I read your post I had a "Wait.... I didn't write that... or did I?" moment. Similar situation here with the parents (except they compared me to my younger sister) and the cosplay! I really hope you find all the support and info you need here.

Are you interested in a motivation buddy by any chance? Someone to share interests and similar goals, exchange experiences and talk about struggles?

 

Btw... if you ever get a chance to do that TARDIS trip would you mind paying teenage Jacqueline a visit as well and tell her something similar?

[Brunsonja]

One thing that's helped me with emotional eating is identifying which emotion makes me eat and when I'm most likely to get hit with a snack attack.

 

I stress eat and I'm usually stressed at work, so I focused on what I eat at work first -- I put up a sign on my desk saying "Don't Feed The Pirate" and politely refused all sweets my coworkers offered me. 

 

I had to make sure to pack lots of healthy foods/snacks everyday to get me through.  I started with lots of fruit - raspberries, grapes, apples - because they're sweet and I've got a sweet tooth, so whenever I wanted the sugar I went for fruit instead.  Even though fruit isn't good for weight loss I dropped about 5 pounds in one month just switching to it over cookies/M&M's/cakes/donuts. 

 

Also when I get chocolate cravings -- which I get a lot, especially on my monthly -- I found going for mint tea helped.  I don't know why but somehow my chocolate kick gets satisfied by mint, maybe because I'm used to having chocolate mints.

[shaeon]

Allons-y - I have a feeling a lot of us would like to take that TARDIS ride. And the more motivational buddies, the better! Do you have a Battle Log yet? You can check in on mine here: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/54956-shaeon-puts-down-second-breakfast-and-begins-an-adventure/ 
Or if you like, just personal message me any time!

Brunsonja - Fruit is one of my primary weapons against sweets cravings, because my favorite kinds of sweets are sodas, sugary drinks like Icees, and sugary candy. So basically, things that are on fruit-flavored palate anyway. I know a lot of people are concerned about fruit slowing down weight loss, but I personally don't know anyone whose gotten fat off of apples, and they are way better for weight loss than SweetTarts and Mountain Dew. 

 

Interesting about mint tea. I love tea, but I'm sort of a purist for black tea and for some reason I've never been a fan of mints that aren't hard and crunchy or in gum form. However, I have some pretty rich teas that have a chocolatey finish to them. That would be a good substitute.

[Keltab]

Shaeon - first, I want to say I enjoy reading your posts.  I think I can learn by watching you tackle your challenges.

Maybe we can challenge each other to getting to that first chin-up?  I am not there yet, and want to push myself.

I understand the eating as a rebellion strategy.  I went through a particularly difficult life challenge, and reacted the wrong

way.  At 6'5", 318 pounds, I am not happy with how I look now, remembering what I was like years ago playing sports.

So, time to rebel against what I allowed myself to become.  

 

Good luck to you on your journey, and I look forward to hearing how you do moving forward!