a slow respawn

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When 2013 was ending, I declared (publicly) that 2014 was my year.

 

Highlights of 2014:

• hospitalized with pneumonia
• dead grandmother
• tonsillectomy (and yes, I’m a little old for that)
• dead aunt
• thyroid levels that still bounce around and make me insane
• finding out that gluten free would probably help that (but is inconvenient)
• discovering that dairy free helps my breathing (but is also inconvenient)
• embarrassing myself in front of not one, but two, people I highly admire to the point that I’m terrified to talk to them
• a weird “something is stressing me out but my brain won’t tell me so here’s let’s obsess over something ridiculous†anxiety that my cat will be dead when I get home from work (Every single day, even though she’s perfectly healthy)
• There’s more too that I don’t feel comfortable writing online.

In a nutshell, 2014 has not lived up to my expectations and I’ve had a hard time with it. (2015, you’re in luck, because the bar has been set ridiculously low.)

 

In August, when my naturopathic doctor ran some tests (and then I did some of my own research) and it was decided that gluten free was best for me... I was doing ok. I was trying and felt good.

 

Then in October, when my aunt died and I was (unknowingly) hyperthyroid again, I gave up. I ate whatever I wanted, which included a lot of junk from fast food establishments because I hadn’t allowed myself to eat them for months.

 

(PS – if you don’t eat that crap for months and then do again, you discover two things. One, it has no flavor and you will wonder why you ever enjoyed it. Two, your body *does* ask you, “WTF are you doing to me?†and it’s not polite about it.)

 

I was exercising everyday and stopped. Seriously, 30 minutes a day for 6 straight weeks and then I said “screw this.†I think I may have even flipped off the exercise calendar a few times before I finally ripped it down.

 

Most people, when their aunt dies suddenly/unexpectedly of a heart attack at 59, they have that “oh shit, I should take care of myself better†feeling, especially if they know her father died of a heart attack at 58. Family history and all that.

 

Apparently, I’m not most people.

 

I had a “well what is the f’n point?†moment. She had been taking care of herself. She looked so much better when we saw her in January at Grandma’s funeral, and what good did it do? None, she still died all the same. We all still die.

 

Yes, I know that reasoning is not sound. I was angry. I’m STILL angry. I’m tired. I’m broken. I’m lonely.

 

I’m also back in therapy.

 

And back on a proper dose of thyroid meds.

 

And eating gluten free and dairy free again. (Thanksgiving was interesting …)

 

I guess I’ve been slowly respawning for a couple weeks now. (I’m a Taurus. We don’t like to be rushed.)

 

I’m not really exercising yet due to an injury (which I keep aggravating by jumping around in my living room like an idiot, aka dancing)

 

So here I am… back… respawing with a new display name. Well a new name for  here. It was the name in one of my first email addresses before I adopted upirygirl. It’s an anagram of Christy Marie and “a mythic riser†sounds like a reference to a phoenix, which I always thought was cool. I know you’re jealous. You want to know if your name is a really sweet anagram too. I suggest this site for finding out: http://wordsmith.org/anagram/

 

 

[WanderingLiz]

I love the name, anagrams are the best! (I tried the tool and I may use ITheBlaze somewhere... >.>)

 

You've totally got this. Years can just straight up suck. They act like grade school bullies and constantly shake you down for your lunch money. It sounds like you've taken brilliant steps at your pace (IMPORTANT!) to tell this bully its days are numbered.

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love "ITheBlaze" ! you should totally use it somewhere!