A Different Kind of Respawn

[MattGannon]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been around here a bit and am very glad to be part of this community. This is my first post in The Respawn Point, and I just wanted to make something clear first:

 

I have not let my fitness and diet go (although it's Christmas so I'm a little more relaxed with my diet at the moment), so I don't need to respawn with that. Improve, always, but not totally respawn. No, I need to respawn in a different way. I guess you can call it a re-roll or a redistribution of  my experience points.

 

WARNING: This is long, so don't feel obligated to read or respond. I'm sort of ranting. It's therapeutic.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Right, so down to it.

 

I am 22 with two children under two. I am aspiring to be a successful novelist. I used to live in the country, but when I got laid off from work, there was nothing left for us there. No jobs, poor access to medical care (found out we were having our second baby and I don't drive yet), and lack of education were the three reasons we decided to move to the city. I am now a stay-at-home dad while my girlfriend goes to school, which is great. So why do I feel like such a failure?

 

I'll try to explain the best I can: I have always felt like a failure at life for various reasons. Being bullied for 15 years comes into play. I have never went to college. I was too scared to get my G2, so I can't drive without someone else in the passenger seat. I've worked a lot of shit jobs just to get by.

 

I've watched my younger siblings surpass me financially (none of them have kids and are peaking early because they have no desire to obtain more in life and are okay working in a scrap yard and a factory forever but I'm still upset by this) and I'm worried I'm going to end up like my father (young dad, shit jobs, depression and a slave to the system in his 40's with no way out). My siblings are constantly bragging about how much stuff they have (my youngest brother leaves for cuba in a couple hours...again), and I just feel like I'm doing nothing and going nowhere.

 

All of my  high school friends have surpassed me in an even greater way. They're living the high life at the moment, full of trips to mexico and casinos, and don't really have time for me. I'm just the boring guy with kids, even though there's this passionate, fun, adventurous guy just raging to break free and fly (cliche, I know, but it's how I feel).

 

My girlfriend is in school so she can have a solid career, so that's awesome. If I end up not going, at least we can tell our kids one of us went.

 

A couple months ago, I decided that once my girlfriend was done school in August, I would start a 2 year program to become a personal trainer. I finally felt like I had something to prove I wasn't a loser. And then I discovered that where we want to be has 0 opportunity for any new personal trainers. The market is so heavily saturated that people are turning to Facebook and Kijiji to get clients in a Freelance manner. That risk is too big for me to take.  If we stayed in the city, I'd be fine. But the whole point of coming to the city was so that we could live a better life back in the country, which is our home. If I'm going to go into thousands upon thousands of dollars into debt and keep my family here an additional 2 years minimum, it better be worth the risk. And it's not.

 

I'm trying to figure out another program I could take that would make me feel fulfilled and where there are actually jobs, but I'm having a hard time with it. Writing doesn't pay the bills yet, so I can't rely on that. And my family thinks I'm a joke. They've shittalked me for so long, and I want so badly to prove everyone wrong.

 

I have so many goals in life, things I want to strive for, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. And I want to respawn and get stronger at this. It's been a problem that's plagued me my whole life, the feeling of immense inferiority, and it's time that I overcome it and move on.

 

It all starts with small steps, and I will be writing out detailed step by step mini-goals to achieve my large ones. This is definitely key.

 

But right now, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do.

 

I just want to be somebody my kids will look up to. I used to be the one supporting us, and now the roles have reversed.

 

But one of my biggest problems is that I measure my own success by the success of others. I need to stop this. I'm struggling so hard to beat these feelings of not being good enough. My fitness successes so far have been helping. But that's something new and nobody in my family (not gf and kids; I mean mom, dad, and siblings) cares. They just make fun of me for being so strict with my diet and routine.

 

There's just so much to say and explain. I feel so overwhelmed.

 

Some of my goals are:

 

-Conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro (I was going to do this, even paid $3000 for the trip, but it fell through last minute. One of my biggest life regrets so far. Gets me every day.)

-Found a non-profit organization to help young parents have the basic necessities for themselves and kids, and to provide means to better themselves on mental and physical levels.

-Become a successful novelist (by successful I mean earn a full-time income from it)

-Maintain a high degree of fitness and health

-Start a website meant to help young parents in all aspects of young parenthood (monetize it when it's worthy)

-Get my full license

-Get an education in something that fulfills me

-Start a business (a bookshop cafe)

-Hike on trails and mountains worldwide

-Travel

-Increase literacy in youth by providing easier access to quality reading material through some sort of non-profit organization

 

Basically, I just want to inspire my kids and make the world a better place.

 

I'm just a mess right now with figuring out what to do. Do I go to school to become a personal trainer and risk being far up shit-creek with nothing but debt to paddle, while keeping my kids someplace we don't want to be, or do I figure something else out.

 

But as for me, I feel like a rotten leaf caught in life's current. No clue what to do or where to go and slowly disintegrating in the passage of time.

 

The only time I feel in control and that I'm not failing is when I'm exercising, so I'm alright on my workout days. But on my rest days, like today, I get anxious. And then this mess of a post happens.

 

I need to respawn from this, but I don't know how. There's an immediate need for decisions that affect the rest of my life, and more importantly, my kids lives. I don't want to be another statistic.

 

"oh yeah, I remember Matt. He was that fat kid who had a couple kids young and never went to school. Guess he's going nowhere, just like we said".

 

I refuse to accept this as my reality.

 

 

Ah, hell. I'll get there. I just need someone to tell me I'm being an idiot and already have the answer. I probably do, but just don't see it yet. I'm too close to the situation. There's so much more to it, but that's the basics.

 

If somehow somebody has read this whole mess, thank you very much. You're awesome.

[Companion]

You'd worry less about what people think of you if you realized how infrequently they do.

How many of those goals listed are things you really want to do, and how many of them are motivated by wanting the respect and admiration of others? There is a common thread of "noble" pursuit in many of them.

NF seems like the perfect place for you. I would suggest your license be in your next goal set.

You want to write, set a SMART goal, nothing is keeping you from writing. There's really nothing keeping you from starting a website either. Both of those take time to create cash flow, and are very much exercises in discipline.

Also, to be blunt, work out a better birth control method.

[SuperSweed]

If you want to become a personal trainer you don't really need to go to college and major in Sports Medicine if you don't want to. You can actually take online courses to get your the certificates you need to practice your career in established gyms without spending thousands of dollars. Most of the courses range from six months to a year. My brother from another mother did this with ISSA and ended up working at 24hr fitness and then a large Anytime fitness without being treated any differently than the only dude who had a major Sports Medicine. Starting pay was a little over minimum wage plus a small percentage of any training session they were a part of.

[Companion]

Physical therapy assistant is a 2 year degree program. Decent pay, and respectable work.

[MattGannon]

You'd worry less about what people think of you if you realized how infrequently they do.

How many of those goals listed are things you really want to do, and how many of them are motivated by wanting the respect and admiration of others? There is a common thread of "noble" pursuit in many of them.

NF seems like the perfect place for you. I would suggest your license be in your next goal set.

You want to write, set a SMART goal, nothing is keeping you from writing. There's really nothing keeping you from starting a website either. Both of those take time to create cash flow, and are very much exercises in discipline.

Also, to be blunt, work out a better birth control method.

 

Thanks very much for the reply, Companion. I appreciate your straight-forwardness. My worrying about others thinking I'm a failure is something I'm really trying to work on. It's a huge problem I have that stems from a lot of stuff from childhood, and I'd like to get rid of it. What you said about people actually thinking about me more infrequently than I believe helps. I know for a fact that my some of my family talks behind my back about my life choices, but I try to stop worrying about it.

 

I have never questioned the motives behind my goals, but I would like to say that they are born from my desire to help people and do good in the world. Yeah, sure, there's part of me that just wants respect and admiration. But I'm confident that it's not my only motive.

 

I'm getting my license in January, so this will be good for me. Can't afford a vehicle yet, but I live in the city right now so it's not as big of an issue. Working on that part, too.

 

I'm currently developing graphics and content for the site I want to create. That will hopefully be launched in January. I'm in the process of editing my latest novel, as well, one which I hope to find an agent to represent.

 

And as far as kids go, we are good with 2. We're going to keep it that way.

 

I'll look into the Physical Therapy Assistant program you mentioned. Thanks again for the comments.

 

If you want to become a personal trainer you don't really need to go to college and major in Sports Medicine if you don't want to. You can actually take online courses to get your the certificates you need to practice your career in established gyms without spending thousands of dollars. Most of the courses range from six months to a year. My brother from another mother did this with ISSA and ended up working at 24hr fitness and then a large Anytime fitness without being treated any differently than the only dude who had a major Sports Medicine. Starting pay was a little over minimum wage plus a small percentage of any training session they were a part of.

 

Hey Sweed, thanks for the comment. I didn't know that there were alternatives, so I'll definitely be looking into this.

[Kyellan]

Given your fairly diverse set of goals, you sound like you might be like me... a multipotentialite. You don't seem like the kind of person who has a single, driving interest or passion, but rather a plurality of them. If this is the case, you should Google that keyword and make a stop on the very first site that comes up, because it's really been a great resource for me.

 

As a guy who's published a few books, let me tell you that it's not easy making a living as a novelist. I don't--I have a full-time job that pays the bills, which sadly means that writing gets pushed to the back burner a lot. Even first-time book sales to the Big 5 are getting pretty sad advances which wouldn't even come close to a full-time income. This is not meant to discourage, but rather to encourage you not to give up if that road often seems bleak and lonely. Also, don't settle for small press! I don't know what genre you write in, but you'd be better off in today's market to self-publish rather than sign your rights away to someone who has no more clout in the marketplace than you do.

 

For the rest, I'll leave it to those with more knowledge on the subjects, but I definitely wish you luck and hope that the community here can help keep you more focused and accountable on your goals, like it has for me!

[MattGannon]

Given your fairly diverse set of goals, you sound like you might be like me... a multipotentialite. You don't seem like the kind of person who has a single, driving interest or passion, but rather a plurality of them. If this is the case, you should Google that keyword and make a stop on the very first site that comes up, because it's really been a great resource for me.

 

As a guy who's published a few books, let me tell you that it's not easy making a living as a novelist. I don't--I have a full-time job that pays the bills, which sadly means that writing gets pushed to the back burner a lot. Even first-time book sales to the Big 5 are getting pretty sad advances which wouldn't even come close to a full-time income. This is not meant to discourage, but rather to encourage you not to give up if that road often seems bleak and lonely. Also, don't settle for small press! I don't know what genre you write in, but you'd be better off in today's market to self-publish rather than sign your rights away to someone who has no more clout in the marketplace than you do.

 

For the rest, I'll leave it to those with more knowledge on the subjects, but I definitely wish you luck and hope that the community here can help keep you more focused and accountable on your goals, like it has for me!

 

So weird; your post has confirmed exactly what I've been struggling with my whole life. I'm am wildly passionate about so many things that I just can't focus on one thing. I feel so unfulfilled all the time (except for with my kids-- that's one thing I do have. Wouldn't change it for anything), but I know I have so much to offer.

 

I've done much research on making writing a profession, and I know it's hard to do so. It'll take much time and much luck, but it doesn't deter me. It only makes me want it more.

 

Thanks very much for the resource. I feel a little better knowing that I'm not alone in being so overwhelmed.

[ValkyrieGrace]

But as for me, I feel like a rotten leaf caught in life's current. No clue what to do or where to go and slowly disintegrating in the passage of time.

Read the whole thing    and this ^ made me want to cry! I know what it's like to have so many wants in life and not know the direction to go in. I'm also well versed in the feeling of inadequacy and not fitting family 'standards'. A quick snippet of my story: I moved 2000 miles away from home with my boyfriend of 6 years to start a new life. I am a home owner, have a good, solid career and am very happy. My family claims to be happy for me, but every chance they get, they want to know when I'm moving back home. It's very infuriating and discouraging.

 

All that being said, from what you described, you very much know what you want out of life. It doesn't seem like you are succumbing to what 'fate' has laid out for you. Something I try to remind myself of all the time is that nothing happens all at once. I can't think of the massive story, I have to start with chapter one. You have dreams and you have goals, which sounds like you are way above your peers. Hell, you're in a better position than I was at 22! One thing, one day, one step at a time and everything that was meant to be yours, will be. 

 

Oh, and for the record, 

 

Ah, hell. I'll get there. I'm being an idiot 

 

P.S., I don't think you're an idiot. Everyone needs a push or a smack in the head every once in a while.

[MattGannon]

Read the whole thing    and this ^ made me want to cry! I know what it's like to have so many wants in life and not know the direction to go in. I'm also well versed in the feeling of inadequacy and not fitting family 'standards'. A quick snippet of my story: I moved 2000 miles away from home with my boyfriend of 6 years to start a new life. I am a home owner, have a good, solid career and am very happy. My family claims to be happy for me, but every chance they get, they want to know when I'm moving back home. It's very infuriating and discouraging.

 

All that being said, from what you described, you very much know what you want out of life. It doesn't seem like you are succumbing to what 'fate' has laid out for you. Something I try to remind myself of all the time is that nothing happens all at once. I can't think of the massive story, I have to start with chapter one. You have dreams and you have goals, which sounds like you are way above your peers. Hell, you're in a better position than I was at 22! One thing, one day, one step at a time and everything that was meant to be yours, will be. 

 

Oh, and for the record, 

 

 

P.S., I don't think you're an idiot. Everyone needs a push or a smack in the head every once in a while.

 

Hi Valkyrie, thank you for reading and taking the time to respond. I would love to take a huge leap like you did with moving so far away. We have planned it so many times, but I think it was just a fantasy. I don't want to separate the kids from their relatives.

 

I'm working on implementing the advice given here, especially learning to take things one day at a time and focusing on what can be done that day. Good things don't happen overnight. I've talked about it to other people on here before, the concept of small changes leading to something bigger. The art of Kaizen, I believe it's called. I love it, but it's hard to make it work or someone like me who's mind and energy is torn in so many directions. I have to harness all that scattered energy into one path and make it work.

 

Thanks again for coming around.

[Companion]

It is time for your definition of your family to be your partner and kids. They are what matter. Her opinion. Their future. Your team.

Your family of origin is the past in most ways. Their approval is no longer required.

My family is fucked up too, very judgmental and I got pregnant at 18 so will forever be a failure for not graduating college. My sister, on the other hand, is a lawyer. They should love that, right? Nope, she is somehow a failure because she never had kids... It doesn't make sense. Why is that?

Same as it is for your family. It is that the way they treat you says way more about THEM than it ever could say about YOU.

Free yourself.

((Hugs))

[MattGannon]

It is time for your definition of your family to be your partner and kids. They are what matter. Her opinion. Their future. Your team.

Your family of origin is the past in most ways. Their approval is no longer required.

My family is fucked up too, very judgmental and I got pregnant at 18 so will forever be a failure for not graduating college. My sister, on the other hand, is a lawyer. They should love that, right? Nope, she is somehow a failure because she never had kids... It doesn't make sense. Why is that?

Same as it is for your family. It is that the way they treat you says way more about THEM than it ever could say about YOU.

Free yourself.

((Hugs))

 

Iron clad advice, Companion. I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, trying to sort myself out and get my head back in the game. I think all of you have been helping. You're definitely right in all you've said.

 

Families just don't make sense sometimes. I don't even try to understand mine anymore. I don't even know why I have been so desperate for their approval. It's not worth it.

 

I'm trying my best to free myself from the limitations I've shackled myself with.