Our.Lady.Of.Ashes in Training

[our.lady.of.ashes]

1 hour ago, LadyShello said:

Is there anyone around that you can ask to spot you so you can try the heavier weights?   

Nobody that I know. I go to Planet Fitness at differing times throughout the week, so I'm always dealing with new people. The idea of asking a stranger to spot me is almost as scary as the weight itself. Gonna have to get over it though because the truth is I need to move up. My arms aren't getting all that tired anymore with this particular weight level.

[Shello]

3 minutes ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

Nobody that I know. I go to Planet Fitness at differing times throughout the week, so I'm always dealing with new people. The idea of asking a stranger to spot me is almost as scary as the weight itself. Gonna have to get over it though because the truth is I need to move up. My arms aren't getting all that tired anymore with this particular weight level.

 

Yeah, I would have trouble asking a stranger too. maybe just do a short set with just a few reps as a confidence builder.  Then you'll feel better about doing it and be able move up for your workouts. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

2 minutes ago, LadyShello said:

 

Yeah, I would have trouble asking a stranger too. maybe just do a short set with just a few reps as a confidence builder.  Then you'll feel better about doing it and be able move up for your workouts. 

I could totally do that. Half my reps to make sure I can move the weight without possibly hurting myself. I'm pretty certain I can make this work if I just get over being a little paralyzed by the fact that I've never tried to lift something like that in the gym. I've lifted up to 75lbs before for work, but the idea of getting a barbell and lifting that is just ludicrous. 

[Shello]

1 minute ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

I could totally do that. Half my reps to make sure I can move the weight without possibly hurting myself. I'm pretty certain I can make this work if I just get over being a little paralyzed by the fact that I've never tried to lift something like that in the gym. I've lifted up to 75lbs before for work, but the idea of getting a barbell and lifting that is just ludicrous. 

 

You're not used to how badass you really are! 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Just now, LadyShello said:

 

You're not used to how badass you really are! 

I guess at this point, one could say I'm trying to grow into my badassery. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Food Log:

Breakfast: Coffee, two eggs, pear.

Lunch: Chicken fingers, french fries, toast, coleslaw

Dinner: Baked chicken, California vegetables. 

 

Drank almost 3 liters of water. Held myself to one coffee, one juice, and one tea. No soda. 

 

Went to the gym. Realized I need to up my weights a little bit in order to keep seeing gains.

 

I'm a little at a lose right now over personal stuff. I'm burnt out creatively meaning I'm not producing anything right now. It all feels amazingly hard, but I have also traced part of my problem to my job. I changed positions a couple months ago as you may remember and the hours/responsibilities are different. I think I may be unhappy with the new arrangement. Scratch that, I know I'm unhappy with the current arrangement but I feel powerless to change it right now. There are reasons I can't go back to my old position and I don't really like this new one. It's all very hard to take. I know I need to do what is best for me, but in the current circumstances, that would mean quitting and I don't have another job lined up and can't afford to be unemployed for more than a couple weeks. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi You're my only hope. 

[Shello]

12 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

Lunch: Chicken fingers, french fries, toast, coleslaw

 

This sounds like Raising Cane's... aka my favorite chicken finger place.

 

You can start looking for something else now and just tough it out at your current position until you find something.  At least you know you are doing something even though you are still stuck there during the process.  It's better than being stuck there indefinitely.    

[our.lady.of.ashes]

10 hours ago, LadyShello said:

 

This sounds like Raising Cane's... aka my favorite chicken finger place.

 

You can start looking for something else now and just tough it out at your current position until you find something.  At least you know you are doing something even though you are still stuck there during the process.  It's better than being stuck there indefinitely.    

Down here it's Zaxby's, which is addictive and phenomenal.

 

The only problem with looking for something else is I don't feel qualified for anything else. I have two degrees (BA & MALPS) but I totally feel incapable of getting anything that matters with those. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I haven't actively looked for a job in several years because the job market has been so dismal. 

 

Food Log

Breakfast: Peach yogurt

Lunch: N/A

Dinner: Chicken breast, California veggies, pear

 

Had some juice, a liter of water, and a XL coffee (with cream and flavor).

I'm definitely not eating enough considering how much I do. Still working on the eating at work thing since I have crazy hours and no time set aside for lunch. Trying to figure out options I can carry with me that won't take me long to eat, require no silverware, and are minimally messy. I don't want to leave the vehicle dirty after I finish, so I have to be careful of what I bring. 

[Terah]

7 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

I have two degrees (BA & MALPS)

I had to google this, but this means you are a teacher right?

 

7 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

but I totally feel incapable of getting anything that matters with those

Everyone sucks at their job at first. That's a given. The people who hire you know that (most of the time). As long as you get a good mentor willing to show you how things work you'll be good. You know the theories, you've been given examples at school, but being in an actual working environment is so different from being a student. 

It took me a year before I was confident I was doing my job right. I was lucky to have a great supervisor, who took me by the hand and taught me everything I needed to know. 

So don't let your lack of confidence hold you back. Just be you, you are great. And the insecurity will actually make you better at your job as you are willing to accept you don't know everything making you willing to learn.

[Shello]

13 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

Down here it's Zaxby's, which is addictive and phenomenal.

 

The only problem with looking for something else is I don't feel qualified for anything else. I have two degrees (BA & MALPS) but I totally feel incapable of getting anything that matters with those. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I haven't actively looked for a job in several years because the job market has been so dismal. 

 

 

And don't be afraid to apply for jobs that look interesting but you feel you might be a little under qualified for.  I've done that many times.  A lot of times nothing happens but sometimes you get a bite and it's a chance to do something exciting.  

[our.lady.of.ashes]

15 hours ago, Terah said:

I had to google this, but this means you are a teacher right?

 

Everyone sucks at their job at first. That's a given. The people who hire you know that (most of the time). As long as you get a good mentor willing to show you how things work you'll be good. You know the theories, you've been given examples at school, but being in an actual working environment is so different from being a student. 

It took me a year before I was confident I was doing my job right. I was lucky to have a great supervisor, who took me by the hand and taught me everything I needed to know. 

So don't let your lack of confidence hold you back. Just be you, you are great. And the insecurity will actually make you better at your job as you are willing to accept you don't know everything making you willing to learn.

The degrees make me qualified to teach; however, that is not what I do. I'm terrified of teaching because I see what it does to my mom who has no energy to look after herself after she's done a full day at work. It's extremely demotivating. 

 

However, it also, supposedly, qualifies me to do other things. However, I have yet to figure out what those other things are, so I'm flying blind. 

 

10 hours ago, LadyShello said:

 

And don't be afraid to apply for jobs that look interesting but you feel you might be a little under qualified for.  I've done that many times.  A lot of times nothing happens but sometimes you get a bite and it's a chance to do something exciting.  

I'm currently afraid to apply for anything for fear I might actually get it and then have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. A large portion of my brain wants me to just stay where I am, but in Sept I will have been at this job for five years. There is no change in what you make once you're out of training because our compensation is dictated by our contract, so no incentive to move up even if there were somewhere to move up to. It's basically one tier and everyone is on the same level. I've known this for several years, that there was no where to go, but I've been pretty stubborn about sticking it out. Well past the point of needing to come up with a new plan. 

 

Food log:

Breakfast: Peach yogurt

Lunch: n/a

Dinner: Chicken and black bean burrito with cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. 

 

Went to the gym after 10+ hours on an empty stomach. I'm not even sure if the yogurt I had at six in the morning counted toward my eating since truthfully I hadn't eaten since six the night before. So close to 24 since my last meal I went to the gym. Things went poorly. I ended up giving up early and going to get something to eat because I was hungry, tired, and weak. Let's not even mention that I spent most of the ten hours since I'd gone to work out in the oppressive heat with no water because water makes you have to pee and there is nowhere on the route to pee until you get to just past the halfway mark. It was all in all a banner bad day. Now I just want to take a shower and go to bed. On the upside, I did what I said I was going to do: I benched 30lbs. Made it five reps a set to keep from killing myself, but I did it. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Food Log:

Breakfast: Peach yogurt

Lunch: n/a

Dinner: 3 eggs and a chicken breast with a handful of cheese. 

 

Talked to my boss about my feelings for this current position. She's more than happy to move me back to my old position because she wants me to be happy working for her. I did not tell her I was looking for another job because I don't want to disappoint her further. 

[Terah]

10 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

she wants me to be happy working for her

Well done on talking to your boss, and it's good to know she wants you happy

 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Food Log for 6/12/16 (Skipped logging in last night)

Breakfast: Coffee, pancakes, eggs, pork sausage

Lunch: Venti coffee (Starbucks)

Dinner: Cheese and crackers

 

Drank two liters of water. 

 

So far for today, I've had two eggs with cheese and turkey sausage along with my cup of coffee. So I eliminated grains from breakfast for one day. Let's see if I can make it two weeks. Here's to trying for that quest. Also need to up my water to three liters for five days this week to get the H2O quest. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Food Log

Breakfast: 2 eggs, cheese, turkey sausage, coffee

Lunch: Curry shrimp and rice, lettuce with ginger dressing, sweet tea

Dinner: Coffee

Dessert: Reese's peanut butter ice cream cone in a waffle cone. 

 

Today me and the fiance went to the beach after our dance lesson. it was really nice. The sun had started to go down so it was getting cooler and there weren't ten thousand people there, so it was actually a really nice experience. I hope we'll be able to go again later in the season and spend the afternoon and play in the water.

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Food Log

Breakfast: 2 eggs, larabar, peach, coffee

Lunch: Orange shrimp, carrots

Dinner: Baldinos sub

 

Drank 2 liters of water, a coffee, and a tea.

[our.lady.of.ashes]

So I've been lifting or using machines for over a month. I'm getting stronger incrementally, but my weight/waist haven't made any move at all. I weighed in at the gym this morning at 168lbs, which was kind of disheartening. I want my weight to go down, not up. Plus I can't seem to see any improvement in the consistency of my belly. This is not good news. However, I've also realized that my eating is not really fueling any long term gains. I'm not paying a super lot of attention to what I eat, which may be the root of the problem. I'm keeping a food log, but just looking back at it, I am still not eating enough vegetables or choosing unhealthy foods when there are better options available. So what do I do? Firstly, I need to eat better. Secondly, I need to eat more. Those are the broad goals, the big picture goals. Now how do I break them into smaller goals so that they are something I can implement. Still thinking on that one, but I know one thing I'm going to do: make sure I have boiled eggs in the house for when I'm hungry. Protein is good for you. I've got to figure out how to get more vegetables in which is a little hard because they aren't my favorite thing and they're easy to forget when I'm hungry. The question of lunch is a big one too. Eating three meals a day, or at least two significant meals as opposed to two smallish meals, will probably help me a whole lot. If I'm going to make like 1500 k/cal a day then I need to be eating at least 750 per meal twice a day. I'm not getting anywhere near that eating two eggs and a piece of fruit with coffee for breakfast. That's not even breaking 300. Decisions, decisions. I don't want to add a load of carbs, trying to keep the carbishness down to a manageable level, but I need some more something to plug in there. Plus if I'm going to mostly eat meat and vegetables, I need to figure out how to get some more healthy fat in there to supplement the calorie count. It feels vaguely overwhelming just thinking about it and usually overwhelment means I don't do anything at all, so I need to get out from under that feeling right now. Break it into smaller manageable chunks.

Step One: Breakfast daily. Figure out how to get it up to over 500 calories.

Step Two: Dinner. Veggies are necessary, work them in.

Step Three: Log everything, work on getting up to 1500 calories a day.

Step Four: Bask in the gloriousness of accomplishment. Plus LOOT: ONE MONTH OF TRACKING IS WORTH PREMIUM COFFEE [Starbucks Dark Roast: Komodo Dragon]

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Went back to monitoring on MyFitnessPal which is the only tracking app I have any familiarity with. It went pretty well. I can see that I'm likely to undereat if I'm not careful.

 

Breakfast: 2 eggs, peach

Lunch: Double smoked bacon sandwich, 2 coffees (Starbucks)

Dinner: Greuben, roasted vegetables.

Total Calories: 1525

 

I've had two liters of water. If I can get a third in before bedtime, I'll have gotten that goal for today. First time this week. I've got to make a more concentrated effort to get that done. Right now I'm having a chai tea and trying to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my night. All two hours of it.

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Today's total calories: 1705

Breakfast: 2 eggs, peach

Lunch: N/A

Dinner: 4 slices of pizza, garlic knot (Pizza Hut), Venti coffee (Starbucks)

 

Seriously not my best day food wise. However, I did get more than 1500 calories. Now to see if I can hit that number eating good things and not junk. Tomorrow is a gym day. Yeah, looking forward to getting better at lifting 30lbs. 

[Shello]

On 6/10/2016 at 6:18 PM, our.lady.of.ashes said:

The degrees make me qualified to teach; however, that is not what I do. I'm terrified of teaching because I see what it does to my mom who has no energy to look after herself after she's done a full day at work. It's extremely demotivating. 

 

However, it also, supposedly, qualifies me to do other things. However, I have yet to figure out what those other things are, so I'm flying blind. 

 

I'm currently afraid to apply for anything for fear I might actually get it and then have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. A large portion of my brain wants me to just stay where I am, but in Sept I will have been at this job for five years. There is no change in what you make once you're out of training because our compensation is dictated by our contract, so no incentive to move up even if there were somewhere to move up to. It's basically one tier and everyone is on the same level. I've known this for several years, that there was no where to go, but I've been pretty stubborn about sticking it out. Well past the point of needing to come up with a new plan. 

 

Food log:

Breakfast: Peach yogurt

Lunch: n/a

Dinner: Chicken and black bean burrito with cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. 

 

Went to the gym after 10+ hours on an empty stomach. I'm not even sure if the yogurt I had at six in the morning counted toward my eating since truthfully I hadn't eaten since six the night before. So close to 24 since my last meal I went to the gym. Things went poorly. I ended up giving up early and going to get something to eat because I was hungry, tired, and weak. Let's not even mention that I spent most of the ten hours since I'd gone to work out in the oppressive heat with no water because water makes you have to pee and there is nowhere on the route to pee until you get to just past the halfway mark. It was all in all a banner bad day. Now I just want to take a shower and go to bed. On the upside, I did what I said I was going to do: I benched 30lbs. Made it five reps a set to keep from killing myself, but I did it. 

 

At that point, stopping the workout for some fuel was a very healthy choice.  And you benched that heavier weight!  That's awesome. 

As for the job hunt I totally get the fear of trying something else.  Baby steps might be the way to go here.  If you are stuck between not sure you want to leave or trying something new and scary then it doesn't have to happen all at once.  You'll still be employed where you are now, comfortable if not entirely satisfied.  Why don't you just start looking at what else is out there without really planning on aggressively going for something right now.  Maybe you'll find something that you find so exciting it will help with your anxiety about it and all you'll need is 20 seconds of courage to get the ball rolling.  Or you could research what else you could do with your qualifications.  Then after awhile you can try to apply for a few.  You can always apply and then decline an offer. 

 

On 6/15/2016 at 0:23 PM, our.lady.of.ashes said:

 

Step One: Breakfast daily. Figure out how to get it up to over 500 calories.

Step Two: Dinner. Veggies are necessary, work them in.

Step Three: Log everything, work on getting up to 1500 calories a day.

Step Four: Bask in the gloriousness of accomplishment. Plus LOOT: ONE MONTH OF TRACKING IS WORTH PREMIUM COFFEE [Starbucks Dark Roast: Komodo Dragon]

 

This seems like an excellent plan!

 

14 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

Today's total calories: 1705

Breakfast: 2 eggs, peach

Lunch: N/A

Dinner: 4 slices of pizza, garlic knot (Pizza Hut), Venti coffee (Starbucks)

 

Seriously not my best day food wise. However, I did get more than 1500 calories. Now to see if I can hit that number eating good things and not junk. Tomorrow is a gym day. Yeah, looking forward to getting better at lifting 30lbs. 

 

one step at a time right?

[our.lady.of.ashes]

I've been away from here for a few days, but I have been logging my meals on MFP, so I have some record. My weight is fluctuating wildly and I can't seem to get it together. My eating is out of a whack. I haven't really been getting breakfast, which is still less than 500 calories. Doing better about vegetables with dinner though, so there is some light. I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I have to keep trying otherwise what's the point? As they say, you only fail when you give up. Otherwise, you simply haven't yet succeeded.

 

Backed down my weights today because I didn't feel strong. I didn't want to push it overmuch because I wasn't feeling the motivation and I thought I would do more damage if I tried to push it too far. Maybe that was a coward's move, but that's what I did. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

I skipped a gym day on Wednesday (I almost called it a gym date, which might be why I consider it so egregious.) However, I spent some time outside enjoying the warm weather and trying to get my head around all the stuff that's going on as far as my health, my work, and my wedding. Made a few lists. Delegated a few things. Decided on a few others. Basically got it mostly under control and mapped out the number of conversations I needed to have with various others in order to be successful. 

 

Friday I went to the gym and couldn't lift the 30lbs. I felt so weak and ineffectual, but I backed down to 25 and that went pretty easy. Maybe I just need to rest on 25 for a while longer until I can get 30 up consistently. Doing one set at 30 and two more sets at 25 to try and work my way up to just doing 30. I'm coming up on my one month weigh in and measurement session. I'm not looking forward to either because I think my diet has been shit this month. I honestly have been eating either too much or too little and then none of the right stuff. I just have done a horrible job of keeping it up even though I am keeping track. (Which just makes it easier for me to see where I've screwed up lately.) All in all, I don't expect my weight to change much and my measurements are probably worse than they were, at least around the waistline. Oh well, here's to getting it in the right place. Finding the sweet spot of tracking/monitoring and eating the right things to promote my strength. 

 

I also started a bullet journal. I'm not sure how this is going to go, I'm terrible about keeping track of things, though I have gotten better. This thread being a case in point. Still I'm going to try. If it's a failed experiment, then its a failed experiment. So far it has cost me the three dollars for the journal I'm writing in and some time. Not a hefty expense. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Posted new progress pics in the gallery. They aren't very good and I don't see any changes, but they're there.

[our.lady.of.ashes]

So I fell off the wagon again, but this time it was because I spent four days out of town. Up until then, I was tracking my food and keeping up with my workouts. I missed one workout and should have missed a second, but I made it up the next day. I've stalled out at 30lbs because I'm afraid to go up again, but I know I can't improve if I don't go up. Just gonna have to bite the bullet and do the thing. 

 

Tomorrow is a dance lesson day followed by a mentor meeting with my Sunday school teacher. So I don't know if I'm going to get a chance to do a workout tomorrow, though I'm hopeful. Gonna take my bag and do it if I have time before dance class. 

 

In other news, I've started playing Pokemon Go. I'm not sure how good this is for my productivity. It has however gotten me off my ass a lot more over the last two days. Oh yeah, and happy 34th Birthday to me. Made it another year. 

[Shello]

Happy Birthday!! 

 

Travelling makes it really really difficult to stick to your goals.  I wouldn't worry about those 4 days and get right back on the wagon.