Our.Lady.Of.Ashes in Training

[Terah]

26 minutes ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

Therefore, it is right for me for right now.

And that's what counts. It might not be perfect, but it will help you get stronger and that is the point, isn't it?

[our.lady.of.ashes]

2 minutes ago, Terah said:

And that's what counts. It might not be perfect, but it will help you get stronger and that is the point, isn't it?

Yep, that's the point. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing: minding my eating and working out and my body composition will take care of itself as I get stronger.

[ExpectJade]

HI i am here to stalk

[our.lady.of.ashes]

I've been really lackadaisical about updating this thing lately. Partly because I feel as if I'm not really making any progress, partly because the only person I feel like I'm disappointing when I don't post is me and it's easy to disappoint me with little consequences. 

 

I've made it to the gym three times this week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, so that hasn't been the problem. I almost fell off the treadmill at the gym, it was a pretty epic fail. Luckily, I caught myself as I went sliding off and only stubbed my toe. All things considered, it could have been a lot worse. 

 

Eating is still my nemesis, which is a weird thing to say about something i have to do in order to survive. Is that a catch-22? It's quite possible that it is. I've made food, yet I can always find a reason to eat something else. Discipline, I need thee. If I could hold out to eat at least one meal a day, probably lunch, at home, I could make some more progress, I think. 

[Terah]

Wel done on making it to the gym this week! And yes, eating is the hardest part. But try to see it as an ally in stead of a nemisis. Good food can make you healthier, stronger and it can make you feel better.

I've trained myself to come her and post something every day. Sometimes it's just one line, sometimes a whole story, it doesn't matter. What does matter is accountability and getting the support you need to become the best version of yourself. We're always here to listen, to give you a pat on the back or advise if you need it <4

[Shello]

Maybe you need to redefine progress?   If eating is your nemesis and last week you chose bad foods for every meal, then this week make a good choice at least once; that's progress.  Maybe the next week it will be twice, and then the same meal you follow through with your plan at least 5 days a week, etc.  Don't make 'progress' mean you have to achieve perfection.  Even baby steps are progress.  You should feel good about those small wins, not feel bad because you didn't achieve more.  

[Terah]

2 hours ago, LadyShello said:

Don't make 'progress' mean you have to achieve perfection.

I love this <4

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Today, on a non-fitness related note, I had an EPIC freakout at work. There was crying and cursing the voices in my head. It was my own fault. I didn't get to the pharmacy to renew my anti-psychotic script on Friday before it ran out on Saturday, so I spent some time with no medication in my system which led to a full-blown 'I am losing it' fall apart this morning when I got to work and there was a stressor right inside the front door. Left work early, went directly to the doctor, they said I most likely will be fine if I just get back on my meds, so they had me pop an extra on top of my regular dose to try and jumpstart my system and sent me home to sleep. I was supposed to go to the gym today, with the way I feel I'm not going to make it I don't think. 

 

I know what perfect would be, but I don't think I have it in me to hope for perfect. I went and showed my mother the wedding dress, which she has approved so that I can order it. I'm in between a size 10 and a size 12. I want to be in the size 10, but I don't think I'm going to make it before its time to order the dress and I don't want to order something too small cause then I will have no dress when it comes time to walk down the aisle. This is making me want to eat more, not less. All things considered, I think the wedding is not helping me achieve my goals because I'm placing too much stress on myself to do better than I am (overall) as opposed to better than I did yesterday. 

 

Thanks for the encouragement ya'll, I need every ounce that I can get. 

[Shello]

First off...

 

 

I think some rest and some you time sounds more 'perfect' than going to the gym at this moment.  Besides, it is technically doctor's orders.  

 

I know it's easy to say and tough to do (I've been there) but you are probably right about putting too much stress on yourself over the wedding.  Get the size 12 dress.  It's easier for them to take it in if you still make it to a 10 by then, but no harm done if you don't get to the 10.  I'm guessing all your friends and family and most importantly your fiance will love you all the same no matter what number is on that tag in the dress.  

 

Besides, it's a wedding.  I can guarantee you something will go wrong with the wedding.  I have never heard a story from someone whose wedding went exactly according to plan.  Most of the time they still describe the wedding as 'perfect' even with all the mishaps.  It's those crazy moments that give you stories.  Goodness knows we had some.  

 

Now rest up!  

[Terah]

*hugs*

 

And I second everything Shello says. Take your rest, be kind to yourself <4

[Shello]

4 hours ago, Terah said:

*hugs*

 

And I second everything Shello says. Take your rest, be kind to yourself <4

 

OMG, I miss this guy from the Mentalist.  He's so adorable!

[Terah]

5 hours ago, LadyShello said:

 

OMG, I miss this guy from the Mentalist.  He's so adorable!

He totally is <4 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Spent yesterday being a good little patient. I rested for about four hours then went to dinner with my fiance who was very worried about me (this is the first time he's been a part of me freaking out seriously, so he wasn't sure what to do. So he stayed on the phone with me until I got to my doctor's office and then brought me flowers when he came to see me. I think he did a wonderful job.) After dinner, I came home and went back to bed for the night so that I could get up early today and go to work. Work wasn't great today. Not as bad as it could have been, but still not great. I work as a postal carrier, so I carry mail. It rained a lot today. So I spent most of the day being some kind of wet. It was also too late for me to go to the gym when I got off, so no gym today either. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. I'm headed to bed early because I just don't feel up to staying up a lot right now. Everything feels like too much of an imposition.

 

The wedding has me a little worried, but I'm more worried about the marriage that comes after. I'm the daughter of a divorced couple, so I know what divorce looks like and it scares me even though my parents are still nice enough people to each other. They never attempted to manipulate us into feeling one way or another. Granted, we were all adults by the time my parents got divorced, so perhaps that has something to do with that. I'm terrified that 20 years from now, he's going to do what my father did and serve me with papers without warning. This is not a good fear to have because it erodes trust. He tells me that he would never do that to me. I believe him, but there's still that tiny doubt. The wedding dress thing is just me being a little vain. No one is going to know what size the dress is that I have on unless I tell them. They also won't know if that's a size up or down from where I wanted to be unless I tell them. My mother thinks the dress is lovely. My sister too. Fiance refuses to look at it because he thinks its bad luck for him to see the dress ahead of time. I find this a little funny, but I'm not arguing. 

 

I didn't eat a lot today, but what I did have was a salad, so I think that's some progress. Probably could do with eating a little more. 

[Terah]

7 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

The wedding has me a little worried, but I'm more worried about the marriage that comes after. I'm the daughter of a divorced couple, so I know what divorce looks like and it scares me even though my parents are still nice enough people to each other.

I understand that that would make you scared. What's important to remember is that you are not your parents. You are your own people and make your own decisions. If, and that is a big if, there will be a time where it is better for the two of you to go your separate ways that's okay. But until then: enjoy what you have right now. And by the looks of this:

7 hours ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

this is the first time he's been a part of me freaking out seriously, so he wasn't sure what to do. So he stayed on the phone with me until I got to my doctor's office and then brought me flowers when he came to see me. I think he did a wonderful job

You've found a wonderful man who wishes to see you happy <4

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Thanks, Terah. Sometimes it is hard to get out of the sense of predestination in our relationship. Like things are going to turn out exactly the same way things turned out with my parents. His parents didn't stay married either. He was raised by his mother's current husband, so that's the only father he's ever really known. However, his mother and her current husband have been together for almost 30 years and are going strong, so maybe we end up like them which is what I want. I want the old people holding hands on the front porch rockers as the kids bring the grands to play. That is what I'm working toward.

 

Went to the gym today, finally. I feel like I've been waiting all week to go to the gym. I was beginning to get a little antsy. I moved up to 85 on my rows. I've almost got it where I can do 40 consistently on my shoulder press. The chest press is at 70. So not doing too badly. I'm up to 100 on the leg press. Some improvement there. My legs have always been pretty strong though, so I'm not surprised they're progressing the fastest out of everything. 

 

On the fence about going to the gym again tomorrow. I'm not sore, so I could go. However, I'm not sure if it would be better to wait at least a day and then go. I'm off for the next couple of days. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Trying to be more body positive. Fiance wants to go to the beach, which means me in a swimsuit. He wants a two piece. I'm like I'd look like you dressed a potatoe in a bikini. He was not amused by my assessment. He says I look fine. How do I get over feeling as if I'm just too fat for the beach?

[DrFeelgood]

Don't wear something you won't be comfortable in, and don't apologize for your feelings.  If your fiancé wants to wear a two-piece then by all means let him.

 

Also (and this comes from experience with MFG) you're going to have to accept that he thinks you're more beautiful than you do.  He's not flattering you or lying, he genuinely sees you this way; and dismissing his opinion of your appearance won't do either of you any favors.  Neither will capitulating, though.

 

In short, y'all are going to have to find some middle ground.  You're beautiful because he loves you--that's not blindness or deception--and you're going to have to quit deriding yourself if you ever hope to honor him.  At the same time you'll never be as beautiful as you can be if you aren't happy, and he'll need to step back from making requests that cause you to be uncomfortable.

 

That's more opinionated than I like to get, so apologies if it's not as gracious as I intended.

[Shello]

Great advice DFG.  I have that same problem, really I think it's 2 problems.  1 issue is that I don't believe the compliments I get from my hubby.  It used to bother him when I would deny it so I learned to take the compliment, knowing that he really believes it.  I would accept the compliment even though I didn't believe it myself.  It's like a 'thank you for saying' kind of thing, without actually acknowledging the veracity of the claim.  

 

The other is doing things outside of your comfort zone.  You definitely don't have to wear a 2 piece if you aren't comfortable with it but you should also not keep yourself from doing fun things because you don't like the way you look.  Find a suit  that you feel fabulous in, or at least you feel is the most flattering and enjoy some time with your fiance.  

[Terah]

So much wisdom from DfG and Shello. I can only second this.

[our.lady.of.ashes]

1 hour ago, DrFeelgood said:

Don't wear something you won't be comfortable in, and don't apologize for your feelings.  If your fiancé wants to wear a two-piece then by all means let him.

 

Also (and this comes from experience with MFG) you're going to have to accept that he thinks you're more beautiful than you do.  He's not flattering you or lying, he genuinely sees you this way; and dismissing his opinion of your appearance won't do either of you any favors.  Neither will capitulating, though.

 

In short, y'all are going to have to find some middle ground.  You're beautiful because he loves you--that's not blindness or deception--and you're going to have to quit deriding yourself if you ever hope to honor him.  At the same time you'll never be as beautiful as you can be if you aren't happy, and he'll need to step back from making requests that cause you to be uncomfortable.

 

That's more opinionated than I like to get, so apologies if it's not as gracious as I intended.

You came across fine from my end. I struggle with him telling me I'm pretty, but then I always have struggled with people complimenting me on anything. I can always find a reason you're wrong. It's a horrible way to live, but unfortunately how my brain is currently trained. If I could only come up with a reliable way to train it to see things differently. 

 

35 minutes ago, LadyShello said:

Great advice DFG.  I have that same problem, really I think it's 2 problems.  1 issue is that I don't believe the compliments I get from my hubby.  It used to bother him when I would deny it so I learned to take the compliment, knowing that he really believes it.  I would accept the compliment even though I didn't believe it myself.  It's like a 'thank you for saying' kind of thing, without actually acknowledging the veracity of the claim.  

 

The other is doing things outside of your comfort zone.  You definitely don't have to wear a 2 piece if you aren't comfortable with it but you should also not keep yourself from doing fun things because you don't like the way you look.  Find a suit  that you feel fabulous in, or at least you feel is the most flattering and enjoy some time with your fiance.  

When he compliments me and I demure, he says 'smile and take the compliment' as a reminder that I'm probably, in his opinion, being too hard on myself. My comfort zone doesn't include a bikini at this point. That's for girls with visible abs in my opinion. I have a pot belly. I'm supposed to go swimsuit shopping to see if I can find something that doesn't make me feel terrible. A reasonably priced one piece in a not super flashy color would be great. 

[Shello]

1 minute ago, our.lady.of.ashes said:

You came across fine from my end. I struggle with him telling me I'm pretty, but then I always have struggled with people complimenting me on anything. I can always find a reason you're wrong. It's a horrible way to live, but unfortunately how my brain is currently trained. If I could only come up with a reliable way to train it to see things differently. 

 

When he compliments me and I demure, he says 'smile and take the compliment' as a reminder that I'm probably, in his opinion, being too hard on myself. My comfort zone doesn't include a bikini at this point. That's for girls with visible abs in my opinion. I have a pot belly. I'm supposed to go swimsuit shopping to see if I can find something that doesn't make me feel terrible. A reasonably priced one piece in a not super flashy color would be great. 

 

Black or navy are excellent swimsuit colors...  Go get it! 

[spooky]

forum gremlins unfollowed me

 

I can only echo what DFG and Shello said as far as relationships. I also struggle with compliments and body image, so I understand the whole "does not compute" and brain defaulting to a negative/disbelieving status ( I hope this made sense I sort of feel like I put my brain on backwards today). 

 

I do think our society makes it easy to pick weight as the source of unhappiness. And to be fair it rarely is just that. It's the self judgment, the lack of kindness towards ourselves. Changing those habits is damn hard, because, like you said, it's a lot about how we attempt to re-wire our brains. Shello is absolutely right about baby steps. So maybe the next time there's a negative thought about yourself, challenge it with a positive one. Don't expect yourself to be able to do it all the time (especially not right away) but just try it and see how it feels, holding onto the positive thought at the truth. And maybe try something similar with compliments, accept them as the truth of your fiancées perspective, and maybe for a moment try to see yourself how he does. It might help, it might not. But it's a place to start trying. 

 

He sounds like a wonderful man who really cares about you, exactly what you deserve <3

[our.lady.of.ashes]

27 minutes ago, spookyfoot said:

forum gremlins unfollowed me

 

I can only echo what DFG and Shello said as far as relationships. I also struggle with compliments and body image, so I understand the whole "does not compute" and brain defaulting to a negative/disbelieving status ( I hope this made sense I sort of feel like I put my brain on backwards today). 

 

I do think our society makes it easy to pick weight as the source of unhappiness. And to be fair it rarely is just that. It's the self judgment, the lack of kindness towards ourselves. Changing those habits is damn hard, because, like you said, it's a lot about how we attempt to re-wire our brains. Shello is absolutely right about baby steps. So maybe the next time there's a negative thought about yourself, challenge it with a positive one. Don't expect yourself to be able to do it all the time (especially not right away) but just try it and see how it feels, holding onto the positive thought at the truth. And maybe try something similar with compliments, accept them as the truth of your fiancées perspective, and maybe for a moment try to see yourself how he does. It might help, it might not. But it's a place to start trying. 

 

He sounds like a wonderful man who really cares about you, exactly what you deserve <3

Sounds perfectly sensible to me, so I'm going to assume you put the brain in with the connectors facing forward like you're supposed to.

 

I think I would be perfectly happy with my weight if my midsection didn't make me feel as if I somehow managed to swallow an entire pumpkin. It's the flabbiness that makes me unhappy. I don't even want washboard abs, I just want to not have a protruding tire around my waist. I pick on my weight because it's an easy thing to fixate on. I can't see the body fluctuations very well, but dagnabit I can focus on that number on that scale. To my detriment. I keep telling myself I'm going to be more body positive. That I need to learn how to accept my body as is before I do something drastic to it like have a baby which causes major physiological changes that you sometimes never come back from.

 

At this point, any step is in a direction that is away from the status quo. This is more than likely a good thing. So I will see about coming up with a few positive things to say when I'm not particularly  happy with how things are looking. 

[our.lady.of.ashes]

Made it to the gym. It was a good thing for me because it let me work out some of my frustration, though I'm considering something more active than weight lifting such as kickboxing or actual boxing. 

[Shello]

oooh, boxing sounds excellent!