Monk takes a second step. 01/05 - 02/15.

[Kishi]

Stress will eff with you if you're not careful. It totally gets in your way, interferes with your focus which in turn will make you weak.

 

The meditation side-challenge is a good move for you at this point, I think.

[Teirin]

^  That, meditation can really help with stress and maybe even sleeping better.

 

Hope your Doctor could provide some good suggestions/help.

[monk]

Today was a good day.

 

At about 11:30 am at work and I became ansy like a cat at midnight and decided I needed a walk. It was 35 degrees outside and cold as f@#$% but I went anyway. 

 

Was the best damn walk I think I've ever had. 

 

I haven't felt so ALIVE. I was feelin the wind, the trees were pretty, I was all by myself out there in path that leads through the woods and I was dancin around, feelin my music and having fun. Best. Walk. Ever. The rest of the day was fantastic. Then, I decide...what the hell lets go visit the local Wing Chun school. So I went today.

 

The class is small, and the Sifu signs up people with each other with one helping the other. The SIfu is a very nice man, I could see Ip Man in his face as he spoke (he's his nephew and I wouldn't have believed it until I saw him) and he moved so fluently and was very nice even to the new student who was there. It's $100 a month and I really want to go...but I know what my hangups are going to be. I might as well list them out because I can already feel them stirring up:

 

• I'm going to be the fattest thing in the room. All the guys were all buff with one or two that had a belly, the two Asian women I saw were of course tiny. 
• I'm going to be the 2nd female in there.
• I'm going to be the only black woman in there. Shouldn't be unusual for me by now as I'm usually the token wherever I go but this time...I'd feel awkward.
• I'm not good with crowds...there were 8 people in there. 2 to me is a crowd. 
• I'm not going to be physically fit enough.

 

Sigh I have to get past that because I *know* I want this. I felt so amazing today. Even the fact that I was sitting in that crowded place with all those people in there I felt great. If I die tonight, I want you guys to know you helped me get to this point lol.

[Teirin]

Yay, that's so awesome that you went!  Focus on how great you feel there to get used to the place and get past those worries.  Writing them down is a great way to articulate all of the concerns and handle them.  You already did the hard part of going in the first time. 

 

If it helps any, I got dragged into Judo the first night by a friend and I'm not sure I was out of grabbing range of his Gi the entire class.  You were so much braver going in on your own :-)  Hardcore Mode indeed.

[sarakingdom]

I'm so proud of you for going!  (I've been trying to find a way to suggest that you actually make that your total challenge this time around, because it's what you really want, and the control over your emotions and fears that it'd take to do that would be just a huge win for you - I've been very worried that your feelings about food and exercise have become harmful to you, and it would just be amazing for you to take a small break from that pressure and feel good enough about yourself to do the thing you love.  And now you've made the first step!  That is so awesome.  I'm thrilled.)

 

Listing your worries is a fantastic step, Teirin is completely right.  I'd go one further: if these are the things you're afraid of, see if you can talk to the sifu about your fears.  I'm not a huge expert in the martial arts, but I know a little something about traditional dojos and schools are run, especially the ones with kind teachers.  They are amazingly accepting, supportive training environments that care far more about people becoming better individuals than they care about having a standard that everyone meets.  They train fat people.  They train disabled people.  They train unfit people.  They train everyone.  They train who you are right now, limitations and all, and don't judge that, because you're a person who's trying to get better.  It's an amazing environment to be in for people who feel left out of sports or the gym or has bad memories of not getting picked for the team.  And a good teacher will want to understand where you are physically and where you are mentally, and help make the class work for you on both fronts.  I think you might find it reassuring to talk to the sifu about your fears over your size and fitness, and it might be useful for him to understand the sort of encouragement and help he can give you.  (Also, that class is so small that you probably don't see it there, but many fat people do martial arts, and many people far less fit and active than you do martial arts.)

 

If you have Amazon Prime (or maybe a good library), there's a documentary called The Black Kung Fu Experience, about the early black pioneers in American martial arts, and I really enjoyed it.  There's a long history of black martial artists in the US, and it seems to have been a welcoming community for them.  You might be the only black woman in a small class, but if your sifu's been around for a while, I'm sure you're not the only one he's taught.

 

This sounds like such an amazing day, all of your excitement about it comes through, and it's so wonderful.  And being able to learn from Ip Man's nephew would be incredible.  That's not an education many people have access to.  I am so excited for you.

[Teirin]

Much better advice from Sara :-)

[RisenPhoenix]

That walk sounds fantastic.  I've rarely experienced something that nice, but it is an absolutely freeing experience when you do.

 

Sara's advice is spot on.  It's fanastic you went to the class.  Even more fantastic it's taught by Ip Man's nephew (!!!!!!).   But everything sara says is true. 

 

My own take on your concerns:

 

• I'm going to be the fattest thing in the room. All the guys were all buff with one or two that had a belly, the two Asian women I saw were of course tiny. 
• I'm not going to be physically fit enough.

 

These two go hand-in-hand.  Everyone starts somewhere.  It's entirely possible (and likely) that one of those buff guys you saw were at one point the largest person in the room.  But diet (which you are working on) and exercise (the class) go a long way in making you not the fattest person in the room.  Will it take time?  Yes.  Will it sometimes limit what you can currently do?  Maybe.  Will you get better and become better for it?  I say yes.  When I started at my dojo, I was one of the largest guys there.  Know what happened?  I ended up getting paired with some of the higher students because they could handle my bulk.  That resulted in me learning a lot faster than some of my cohorts who stuck to themselves and the lower ranked people who were their size.  These days I honestly think my semi-advanced progress (trying to be humble here) is solely because I was the fat guy who needed to be paired with advanced students early on.  But the only thing, in the long run, is that even if you are the fattest person in the room, you try your damnedest.  That's what will mark you as a worthy student, not your current fitness level.

 

 

 

• I'm going to be the fattest thing in the room. All the guys were all buff with one or two that had a belly, the two Asian women I saw were of course tiny. 
• I'm going to be the 2nd female in there.

 

Well, if you saw two asian women you would be the third, right? 

 

Kidding aside, it is one of the "faults" of martial arts that it is heavily male-dominated.  The fact that you saw two women is kind of impressive - more so since you said the class was 8 people.  So 25% of the class being women is good!  If anything, see if you can ask/see how women are treated in the dojo.  Provided there's no boy's-club mentality, it should be okay.  And not only that, think of it this way - if another woman comes by and sees an extra woman in the class, how much more likely is she to join because of it?  You can motivate future students!

 

 

 

• I'm not good with crowds...there were 8 people in there. 2 to me is a crowd. 

 

I know that feel.  But unfortunately we are surrounded by crowds.  What I've learned is this - the dojo is a community.  You can always sit back and not socialize with the community, and watch the interactions.  But, when you do finally want to talk, you already have a common interest - the dojo!  When I joined my dojo I was quiet.  Super quiet.  I barely said more than a few words to people off the mat.  After a few months, I became comfortable enough to start small topics of conversation or chime in.  Going on three years later, I'm the loud boisterous one, and people tend to forget that I was a wall flower for the first 6 months.  But in terms of places to be comfortable in, my dojo is a big part of my life and I wouldn't change anything.

 

 

 

• I'm going to be the only black woman in there. Shouldn't be unusual for me by now as I'm usually the token wherever I go but this time...I'd feel awkward.

 

I am a pasty, pasty white man.  I have nothing to offer beyond saying if someone is a racist bastard you are in a location where getting punched in the face isn't unheard of. (Not that I imagine a dojo would be a place where that happens.  They do tend to be very accepting.)

[monk]

First, thanks for the replies. I know that my fears are dumb and they're not going to keep me from going. I will be starting probably in 2-3 months, as I need to make room in my budget first.

My walks have been great lately but today's was different. It started off just fine I guess, but I've had a lot on my mind and I was hoping to let it dissipate in the wind and have a better day. What happened instead is I zeroed in on what's bothering me.

Among all the things (and there are about 6) the thing that upsets me the most is my recent decision to go off a ketogenic diet.

Around November I was tired of trying to be ketogenic. I was doing it for 2 years or so, fought through a severe dehydration episode, near death through electrolyte loss, and beginning kidney issues. But I was at 245 steadily. I decided that I lost my first weight through paleo alone (had no idea what keto even was) and didn't even count calories nor carbs. I just ate real food, walked every day, and danced now and again. So I figured hey let's just do that again since keto obviously doesn't agree with me and the fact that I spent $30 on keto sticks only to find out that all this time I wasn't even in ketosis.

The moment I got out of ketosis I gained weight. It continued to go up until I got to 265. Today I am at 262. I thought to myself that it was just my body soaking up all the fat it could because I was sorta in a conservation mode, but now I don't know. I eat eggs and bacon for breakfast. I eat salads for Lunch. I have turkey, roast, fish for dinner. I haven't drank a soda in 4 years, eaten a real pizza in about the same, my carbs have not reached over 150 since December (hovering around 80 until 2 weeks ago when I went down to 50) and I've been using bodyweight exercises, added in cardio and started using resistance bands and since December all and I get is a 3 pound loss. That may not even be a real loss it could just be fluctuation. My size 16s are tight now due to the fat gain, and I am 2 seconds from giving up the fight.

My walk today made me realize this, and I'm not sure what to do. Granted my walk calmed me, but it didn't give me a clear solution. I don't know what direction to go in to tell my body to quit being stupid and let the fat go. I'm about to give up my occasional apple and blueberries and just go completely back to ketosis and deal with whatever comes regardless of how much I hated it.

Today I am the monk that walks, waiting for the seed of wisdom to drop from the tree and smack me on the head.

[Kishi]

Wow. That's a tough place to be in.

 

I've been there too. I think I've done just about every kind of low-carb thing I can do. I did Paleo, Primal, low carb, lower carb, ketogenic, etc. I believed in it, I really did. Still do, to a certain extent.

 

When I started on my journey - really digging in to nutrition as well as training - I was pushing about 195-196, and I was on my way to 200 lbs. I didn't want that. I was motivated by vanity to not let that weight get on me.

 

So I did everything I could to get that weight down. I tried IF'ing, I tried multiple meals in a day, I was working an active job, I was strength training, and the weight would not come down. I learned about macros, and the weight would not come down. Nothing I did seemed to work.

 

About the only thing that did work for me was learning to run miles and miles in a day, and doing that I managed to get my weight down to its all-time low of 169 lbs. And it sucked. I got weaker, and I injured myself doing it, and this was back when I didn't have any insurance to help me.

 

Now I'm back up at 185, and doing fine... but the problem is, every training professional I've talked with has agreed that I should be twenty pounds lighter, and I just don't know how to make that happen.

 

All of that to say that I'm right there with you and I'm still working on figuring it out.

 

FWIW, I don't think doing a thing you hate is the right road to follow. If it had gotten you the results you wanted, that might have been acceptable, but it took you to a certain point before it stopped working for you again. Your decisions are your own, naturally, and I think it makes more sense for you to find an approach that you can enjoy first, and worry about the results later. Indeed, results are a side-effect of process, which is what you'd want anyway given that you want sustainable change.

 

And don't rule anything out. Prior to last year, I was maintaining myself in a long, drawn out caloric deficit, eating low carb, and fasting intermittently. Things didn't actually change for me until I bumped up by about a thousand calories and began timing my macros around my activities. I did not think it was going to work, but it really, really did.

 

There is a solution out there for you. I know it. You just gotta find it.

[sarakingdom]

Seconding Kishi on thinking about bumping up your calories by a bunch.  If you've been dieting for years, it's likely that your metabolism has taken a hit from chronic calorie deficit.  The way you describe your diet and exercise, it sounds like you're eating about half of what you'd need to maintain your weight, so if you're maintaining on that, almost certainly your body is compensating for the chronic deficit by shifting your metabolism down.  You might try taking a look at EM2LW, which is aimed at fixing the metabolism of chronic dieters and getting them back into a sustainable weight loss pattern.

 

Also, a size 16 sounds like you have incredible muscle mass.  The number on the scale may not be one you like, but appreciate that body composition for a moment, that's good work.  I suspect you're a lot more fit than you think you are.

[monk]

I'm averaging about 1500 a day, lowest day was 990, Saturdays are generally low as I sleep late after staying up too late Friday night and mostly eat dinner only. If eating until I'm full is what I've been doing, and trying only to eat when I'm extremely hungry and this is where I've ended up. More food seems like a bad idea, as I'm trying to burn off what I already have, and it takes very little to fill me up But I'll take a look.

[RisenPhoenix]

There is a solution out there for you. I know it. You just gotta find it.

 

^This

 

The great thing about 6 week challenges is they allow you to futz with things you normally wouldn't want to futz with in a controlled manner.  It allows you to see what happens, regulate it, and it's long enough to see if things work, but not long enough to blow up anything one way or the other that will permanently mess with you.

 

I'm averaging about 1500 a day, lowest day was 990, Saturdays are generally low as I sleep late after staying up too late Friday night and mostly eat dinner only. If eating until I'm full is what I've been doing, and trying only to eat when I'm extremely hungry and this is where I've ended up. More food seems like a bad idea, as I'm trying to burn off what I already have, and it takes very little to fill me up But I'll take a look.

 

This is not enough.  Not NEARLY enough.  For someone your age, gender, and size, it would take ~2,600 calories to maintain your weight (estimates using this calculator).  If you've been eating that low, for that long, odds are your body has gotten used to it.  Which means, yea, more efficient at the little food you take, but it also means that you'd have to have an even lower amount to see loss... and any lower than that would mean you'd likely have no energy at all to, you know, live.

 

Bump up your calories to ~2,000 a day.  It's high enough that it can get your metabolism revving again, but still low enough that you should see some weight loss.  Drink calories if you need to - fresh squeezed juice with pulp, milk and protein shakes, etc etc.  Just get those calories up.  I'm also wondering if I an increase of calories might help your state of mind with the extra energy, but that's speculation with no back up to it.

 

It takes time, and unfortunately a lot of experimenting that seems pointless.  But remember negative data doesn't mean you didn't gain any insight.  Use that negative data to figure out the next step!

[ziggification]

Hello,

 

I don't know that I offer much in the way of helpful advice given your extensive personal experiences. I'm not a fitness expert or nutritionist. But I figured I would chime in...since we are within pounds of each other, both into martial arts, both black, both ladies, and both on NF. Dragons? Awesome.

 

1) I second talking to your sifu. My senseis are just about the sweetest guys you will ever meet. And they dish out life advice and helpful healthy living tips by the shovelful. But they often intimidate me. (They are both black-belted, healthy, white males.) I find it helps to humanize them before I approach. (i.e., take them out of the martial arts hierarchy before approaching them. They're just a couple of guys. They started out as babies, they grew up, they messed up, they love and lose, they have stains on their gi that come from effort and the kind of absent-minded laundry-doery that leads to grunge...) If your style has a philosophy handbook, it can help to center your conversations with your sifu around those concepts.

 

2) You don't need to earn the right to enjoy a run on the beach. Or wear a bathing suit while doing so. Or do anything that will help you to enjoy your life more today....150, 250, or 550 lbs...if you can run on the beach and enjoy it...you should do just that. (Unless you actually did do something worth repenting for...like beating up someone weaker or eating someone....in which case do repent first.) This isn't to say that you should just give yourself whatever you want without working for it. But denying (even in hyperbolic writing) healthful, positive activities while struggling to change unhealthful behaviors just makes it hard to NOT hate yourself.

 

3) Storytime - On being a black, lady martial artist - Twelve months ago, our dojo was comprised of four "pasty, pasty" white guys. For context, I live in The South where there are two colors - white and not white, all optically hispanic individuals are Mexicans, and where HR officials instruct employees not to call adult, male clients "boy".

 

With the addition of me and my partner, we were a dojo of four pasty, pasty white guys and two "mocha, mocha" blacks (let's try and make this an equal opportunity racist post). I was still the only girl, but everyone made me feel welcome. "But I have boobs" was accepted as an excuse to modify certain exercises. Though for the most part I received the retort "So? We do X, Y, and Z with testes in the way. Cope." 

 

When we went to our first regional event, I was terrified that I would be surrounded by guys. I was not. There weren't as many girls as guys, but I was hardly alone. Girls of all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors practice martial arts. Despite what the boys think, the bathrooms were not full of bloody tampons and gossip. There was blood though..........oh so much blood....

 

In any case, I understand that it is empowering to see other women practice - Especially if they seem to have a similar physique. But more than anything, meeting so many different martial artists of both sexes has reinforced what we all already know about diversity - there's so much more of it out there than we can label and quantify. Embrace that...Try not to limit yourself or your fellow practitioners with labels like man or woman, black or pasty, pasty white. Because none of that uncontrollable, external stuff really matters when you come down to evaluating your success as a student of the martial arts. It's more about those -tion words...determination, dedication, perspiration, concentration, etc., etc. which aren't tied to race and sex in anyway that science has conclusively demonstrated. 

 

Also, if you ever really do feel like you are practicing alone, just think about all of the other women around the country and world who gi-up and bow in...even if you're at home working out by yourself, somewhere there's another lady similar but not just like you (since you occupy your own special little matrix of uniquity) who is busting out some serious moves. 

[Kishi]

+1's to RP and Ziggification.

[Teirin]

Coming in late, hope that Ziggification, Kishi, and RP helped you!  

 

Your fears are not dumb.  They're important to you.  We all have them. 

 

It's always up to you but it sounds like Keto was pretty hard on you before.    It could well be that macro balance doesn't work for you. As Kishi noted, we're all a little different and what works for one person won't work for another. It may take some experimentation before you find the right balance for you. 

[Teirin]

How are you doing?

[monk]

Decently enough. Im mostly doing my working out, and eating paleo. I will try EM2LW after this challenge is over, gives me time to look it up and see what I should be doing before I jump in headfirst. I'm also meditating more, which I think is helping me remain calm about my stalling situation. No point in crying over spilled milk I suppose.

Thank you for the inquiry.

[monk]

So Friday, I worked out pretty good, and I felt like crap afterward. Usually after working out I feel amazing but this last time, not so much. I really felt like I had been run over by a truck. Sat & Sun I did some heavy lifting by helping my bf work on his bike and keeping the bike lifted through some gnomish wench and pulley system thing that he rigged up and I had to lift the bike...don't ask... but by Sunday I was really feeling out of it.

 

Monday I felt so bad that it took everything I had just to walk from one room to another. So I didn't work out. Tuesday I usually do my cycle at work and I didn't bike. Wednesday I felt a little better, still didn't work out. Today, I chose not to. Tomorrow looks much better. I have some energy back. I think I just needed some time off. Or something. I started eating more, got some macros done and found out that the 1300 calorie mark I had for myself (which I wasn't even meeting) was not enough. So I'm doing a bit of an increase at a time, going to 1945.  About 485 calories per meal, and 4 meals a day. It's...proving difficult. I had no idea I was eating so little and the amount of energy I'm getting sometimes during the day now have to be part of that, as previously there was no such thing as energy unless I accidentally got caffeinated instead of decaff at the Starbucks.

 

So I'm going to keep ahead with the Monday resistance band, Tuesday bike, Wednesday maybe rest or pilates, Thursday resistance band and Friday...whatever comes up.

 

I figure by the time the next challenge comes up, my calorie count and my workouts will be old hat.  Also, I went from 267 to 261 this morning. That's going in the correct direction at least.

[Teirin]

Improved energy levels are a very promising sign!  Gradually increasing is smart too.  How do you feel after a few more days?

 

Helping fix that bike sounds like quite the workout.  Do what you can and don't stress the rest.  This looks like it was a tough week.

[Kishi]

The uptick in energy is enough to make me think the calories are worth it.

[monk]

Improved energy levels are a very promising sign!  Gradually increasing is smart too.  How do you feel after a few more days?

 

Helping fix that bike sounds like quite the workout.  Do what you can and don't stress the rest.  This looks like it was a tough week.

I was feeling okay until today. Had a really big hit to my mental health. My next challenge is going to be a huge one. I have to either figure out how to finally get a degree and get into another industry without screwing up future plans, or tell my heart/soul/chi to stfu. I thought I was over this, but apparently all I've been doing is bottling this up and it's affecting my weight loss as I'm binging to find a way to fill the pain/anger. Somethings gotta give.

[Teirin]

Hard situation.  What other degree are you interested in?  If your work is causing you that much stress and hurt, it's certainly worth checking into. 

[monk]

I was originally trying to go for an an animation degree, to get into the cartoon or gaming industry. Both of whom are cut throat and unless you know someone's dad who started a business or knows someone else or you're the next Gnomewise, you're not getting in.

I already have $60k in debt and no degree at all to show for it so I'm stuck being a secretary or a customer service rep and hating my life because I screwed myself up so hard I have no way out.

[RisenPhoenix]

I already have $60k in debt and no degree at all to show for it so I'm stuck being a secretary or a customer service rep and hating my life because I screwed myself up so hard I have no way out.

 

You only screwed up if you stop trying.  You aren't.  Will it be easy?  Newp.  Not at all.  But you can do it.  Try to take a step back, see what you want, and then make as many small steps as you want to get there.  Won't happen tomorrow, but having an idea and a plan of action makes all the difference.

 

But take a deep breath.  Hits to mental health happen.  Refocus as best you can now.

[Teirin]

^ RP gives good advice.

 

Is there any aspect of the cartoon or gaming industry that would be easier to get into?  That would make it easier to make some connections and get into what you really want. 

 

There are some very neat online courses and tutorials available if you think that working on it on your offtime would help.  A friend is working on learning 3D modeling with Blender in his off time.