The Trials of Kishi, the Gray Jedi: Gray Knight

[BlackTezca]

Yeah the new forums are already up...ooof I got my stuff done!  Can't wait to see your summary Kishi

[Mistr]

Well, I do most of that kind of tracking for myself anyway, although I suppose I could crank that to 11 and see how that all goes. Could be fun.

 

Also, I'm kind of on both sides of the pics versus measurements debate. On the one hand, I like having numbers. On the other hand, the numbers are deceitful or, at the very least, can be eschewed to reflect one bias or another, and I just don't like that. Pics can do much the same, but if you do them consistently and right, they do not lie. They serve as a thousand-word treatise on your efforts over the course of a month.

 

Numbers yesterday came out to 182 lbs, 16.9% body fat. In other words, daily fluctuation. No change.

 

This was done on about 2220 calories per day, limited carbs, roughly .8-1g/lb protein, with fats making up the remainder.

 

How's it feel? Tiring. If I had gotten any appreciable results in the past three weeks, maybe it'd be worth it, but since I didn't, it doesn't feel like it's worth much to me.

 

You look more defined than in your previous photo, especially in the abs. Last time most of the difference was in your arms. You may well have made progress in the upper body too, it just doesn't show as much without a side-by-side comparison.

 

Exactly what kind of results were you hoping to see in three weeks?

 

At 16.9% body fat I would think it would take a month or more to see any clear difference. After all, the easy part is long past. You are both adding muscle and trying to cut fat. Do you want to also lose weight? That seems like a tall order for fast results.

 

I'd like to think it's progress. I keep trying to stick to things that don't work for me out of the stubborn conviction that they should. This needs to be replaced with a stubborn conviction to find what works no matter what that looks like. Also, you're right: the foods that fit the macros best tend toward being the clean stuff, like rice and potatoes and such. It just works.

 

Let me make sure I got this right. You are sticking with an eating program in spite of everything while you change up your exercise program every four weeks. Truth?

 

Not that I'm suggesting you should change your eating program every time you change your exercise program. Although there might be some benefit in tailoring them together, as you and RP have been discussing.

 

Really, you are making progress. You just need to take a step back so you can get enough distance to see how far you've gotten over a longer time.

[karinajean]

You look more defined than in your previous photo, especially in the abs. Last time most of the difference was in your arms. You may well have made progress in the upper body too, it just doesn't show as much without a side-by-side comparison.

 

....

 

Really, you are making progress. You just need to take a step back so you can get enough distance to see how far you've gotten over a longer time.

 

I agree! not that, I'm, like, HIDING AT MY DESK AT WORK hoping that no one notices how I'm scrutinizing your torso.

how are you calculating your bodyfat, again? because if your weight is staying the same and your ribs are sticking out like that with your abs shifting around as they are, are you quite sure you haven't recomped a little?

[Kishi]

Happy last day of challenge! Which... looks like Engrish the more you stare at it.

 

Even if you didn't get huge results, if you feel like you got something out of it, then that certainly counts.

 

The nice thing about English, though, is that it has room for Engrish in it.

 

I got something. It counts. I am glad I did it.

 

Oh I totes caught the tick!

Someone may have even done a challenge that started off with:

 

"You should give up... on me giving up!"

 

 

New forums for you monks eh?  Man you guys are on the ball!    I haven't even thought about next challenge yet!    

 

Give up on giving up. I like it!

 

Yeah, we're getting 'em up already and I don't know that I'm ready yet either. It already looks crazy crowded in there too. Hoo hoo...

 

Yeah the new forums are already up...ooof I got my stuff done!  Can't wait to see your summary Kishi

 

 

I can't even

 

You look more defined than in your previous photo, especially in the abs. Last time most of the difference was in your arms. You may well have made progress in the upper body too, it just doesn't show as much without a side-by-side comparison.

 

Exactly what kind of results were you hoping to see in three weeks?

 

At 16.9% body fat I would think it would take a month or more to see any clear difference. After all, the easy part is long past. You are both adding muscle and trying to cut fat. Do you want to also lose weight? That seems like a tall order for fast results.

 

 

Let me make sure I got this right. You are sticking with an eating program in spite of everything while you change up your exercise program every four weeks. Truth?

 

Not that I'm suggesting you should change your eating program every time you change your exercise program. Although there might be some benefit in tailoring them together, as you and RP have been discussing.

 

Really, you are making progress. You just need to take a step back so you can get enough distance to see how far you've gotten over a longer time.

 

I suppose I do. I haven't really checked them side by side yet. I only had time to get them up and get the post done before I had to go off and do stuff, so I haven't sat down and actually checked them side by side. I'll trust independent eyes, though.

 

In three weeks? Not much. But I started off six weeks ago at 16.6%, and I was kinda hoping at the end of six weeks that I'd have budged a little. I didn't. That's kinda frustrating.

 

I'm not that interested in losing weight. Really. The only way to get myself down is to take up running, to such a degree that I'm courting overuse injuries. If I'm gonna be up and moving and chancing getting hurt, I'd rather do it doing something I enjoy, like getting punched in the face.

 

As it is, that kind of recomp is supposedly possible provided that you eat a lot of protein and keep your calories low. I don't know if I believe that. But what I can believe are my results. My results are a stagnation - no loss in performance, but no change in composition to reflect ability. The abz are looking better probably on account of having done a lot of specific work there to induce spot toning (which is a thing), which would make the area look better without necessarily changing body fat percentage.

 

Hahaha! That has been my observation. It is not a good pattern. I think this next round, I will invert it - keep the exercise mostly the same, and adjust the eating instead. I noticed that a lot of my problems weren't related to exercise-specific performance, but were related to general well-being throughout the day. So, I'm going to up from 2220 calories to 2400 calories and keep the CHO the same - low on easy days, up to 100 grams on strength training days. My reflex is to flip the table and just do things different, but the problem I've been dealing with is a lack of energy more than anything else. So, take in more energy period, and if that doesn't work, then I can consider changing up the source - either completely to cruciferous veggies, or to up the carbs depending.

 

But as you say, it'll take time, and I need to give it the proper amount of time to figure out if it works.

 

You're absolutely right. It's something I'm learning. Slowly, slowly. But still learning.

 

I agree! not that, I'm, like, HIDING AT MY DESK AT WORK hoping that no one notices how I'm scrutinizing your torso.

how are you calculating your bodyfat, again? because if your weight is staying the same and your ribs are sticking out like that with your abs shifting around as they are, are you quite sure you haven't recomped a little?

 

HAHAHAHA

 

You know, I first started working out with the notion of making my body an object of beauty that women (and hopefully the wife I thought I would find someday) might admire, as an act of gratitude for the beauty I saw in women. Mission is in progress.

 

Sorry if that's troublesome to you.

 

I am calculating my body fat using tape measurements and a few different formulas to get an average. Two of my formulas are calculating me at about 15%, but the third runs me at about 21%, so it averages out to about 17%, rounded. But because I'm paranoid, I also use the photos as a way to have something semi-empirical to measure my progress.

 

I'm really sure that I'm walking around with a fair amount more muscle than I was before last winter. This is good. Winter's mission was successful. Now I need to keep that whilst whittling away the excess.

 

*

 

So, I typed this up, and then Chrome ate my post. That jerk. :-/

 

The gist of it is that all the training goals rocked. I kept my Lent perfectly, thus breaking a terrible habit that deprived me of life. And I did more cleaning of my space, minimizing things and gaining room in the process. The cleaning was the part that slipped the most, but I think I'm on to something there.

 

And... yeah.

 

Probably, this was by far the hardest challenge I've ever done here in the Rebellion. I've endured more pain and sadness and anger and heartache to higher degrees than I have in a long, long time. I thought those days were behind me, and that all that was left to me was to live a quiet life, never amounting to much, never mattering.

 

But now I understand just how fleeting life is, how small it is and how much it matters, and I'm being hounded by this feeling that I'm wasting myself away, playing small when I need to be burning bright.

 

I know now that I hate it. I hate that this is the life I've settled for, and I don't know how to make it more than it is.

 

I just know that I want to.

 

Gotta see to starting on that next Challenge.

 

I want you all to know that there were definitely some times in here where I just wanted to lay down and quit. I just didn't feel like there was a point, and that it didn't matter, and that I didn't matter.

 

But I had people calling me out, and a bunch of badass Monks showing up and doing the damn thing, day in and day out.

 

So I took a deep breath, and I kept on going.

 

Thank you all for inspiring me and keeping me going. God uses you to bless me, and sometimes it is a painful blessing, but I am better always for it.

 

Thank you.

 

And so we go. Onward and upward.

[CourtnieMarie]

I feel like I always get mushy in your thread… but you do it first! So, totally not my fault. But here we go. I share a lot of your words with people (the SO mainly) because they are always so insightful and quite beautiful frankly. Based on the people I see following your threads closely, I KNOW I am not the only one whose life you touch from thousands of miles away. I can’t even imagine how much stronger that brightness must be for people who get to engage with you on the daily. Don’t for a second think that you are playing small. I wholeheartedly encourage any changes you want to make to your life that might make you happier or shake things up, BUT not because you aren't already burning bright. You so are.

[Kyellan]

We'll keep picking each other up when we fall... seems to be what we do around here. There's a reason I love this place, and it's the people.

 

These NerdFitness forums are the finest example of what the Internet can be--a group of people from everywhere, with a shared interest that keeps them engaged, helping one another, sharing both knowledge and wisdom to the betterment of all.

[BlackTezca]

Kishi...you write the most eloquent, emotional schtuff sometimes.  I can comprehend how hard this challenge was for you and I'm ecstatic and not surprised that you pushed through and did as well as you did.  I will say that I appreciated all the advice and support you have given me on my thread, being optimistic for my capabilities as well as helping me out when I felt burnt out or in pain.  Thank you so much for that and know that you're awesome, you'll always be awesome and I can't wait to see what you accomplish on your next challenge .

 

It really doesn't help I'm listening to One Day by Rootless...ugh that song gets me every time. 

[karinajean]

 

You know, I first started working out with the notion of making my body an object of beauty that women (and hopefully the wife I thought I would find someday) might admire, as an act of gratitude for the beauty I saw in women. Mission is in progress.

 

Sorry if that's troublesome to you.

 

.....

 

Probably, this was by far the hardest challenge I've ever done here in the Rebellion. I've endured more pain and sadness and anger and heartache to higher degrees than I have in a long, long time. I thought those days were behind me, and that all that was left to me was to live a quiet life, never amounting to much, never mattering.

 

But now I understand just how fleeting life is, how small it is and how much it matters, and I'm being hounded by this feeling that I'm wasting myself away, playing small when I need to be burning bright.

 

 

 

not troublesome what's more wonderful and weird than bodies? they're this amazing junction of magic and science and art. they are incredible. we are such incredible beings! and I love being around people who recognize that and use that understanding to get the best out of their weird and wonderful bodies!

 

ok that's totally getting into woo woo territory but you get my drift.

it might be troublesome if HR catches me looking at nekkid male torsos while I'm at work.

but I'll be careful.

 

and:

 

THIS, YES THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES THIS.

it makes me so super happy to see you write this.

I want to come over and give you a big hug.

this is me big hugging you. all of this red text is me big hugging you.

 

I can't WAIT to see what you get up to in the next challenge. I can. not. WAIT.

[Kishi]

I feel like I always get mushy in your thread… but you do it first! So, totally not my fault. But here we go. I share a lot of your words with people (the SO mainly) because they are always so insightful and quite beautiful frankly. Based on the people I see following your threads closely, I KNOW I am not the only one whose life you touch from thousands of miles away. I can’t even imagine how much stronger that brightness must be for people who get to engage with you on the daily. Don’t for a second think that you are playing small. I wholeheartedly encourage any changes you want to make to your life that might make you happier or shake things up, BUT not because you aren't already burning bright. You so are.

 

A veritable mush pit, this. :'D

 

But thanks for mushing with me.

 

We'll keep picking each other up when we fall... seems to be what we do around here. There's a reason I love this place, and it's the people.

 

These NerdFitness forums are the finest example of what the Internet can be--a group of people from everywhere, with a shared interest that keeps them engaged, helping one another, sharing both knowledge and wisdom to the betterment of all.

 

Honestly, I consider this place more a sanctuary from the Internet than the best possible Internet, but it's on the Internet, so maybe I should reconsider...

 

Kishi...you write the most eloquent, emotional schtuff sometimes.  I can comprehend how hard this challenge was for you and I'm ecstatic and not surprised that you pushed through and did as well as you did.  I will say that I appreciated all the advice and support you have given me on my thread, being optimistic for my capabilities as well as helping me out when I felt burnt out or in pain.  Thank you so much for that and know that you're awesome, you'll always be awesome and I can't wait to see what you accomplish on your next challenge .

 

It really doesn't help I'm listening to One Day by Rootless...ugh that song gets me every time. 

 

Aw, just. I try to speak true. That's all. I'm glad I made a difference for you.

 

But keep in mind - you're the one who did it. You're in the arena, and the credit belongs to you. I just helped remind you a time or two.

 

not troublesome what's more wonderful and weird than bodies? they're this amazing junction of magic and science and art. they are incredible. we are such incredible beings! and I love being around people who recognize that and use that understanding to get the best out of their weird and wonderful bodies!

 

ok that's totally getting into woo woo territory but you get my drift.

it might be troublesome if HR catches me looking at nekkid male torsos while I'm at work.

but I'll be careful.

 

and:

 

THIS, YES THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES THIS.

it makes me so super happy to see you write this.

I want to come over and give you a big hug.

this is me big hugging you. all of this red text is me big hugging you.

 

I can't WAIT to see what you get up to in the next challenge. I can. not. WAIT.

 

Hey, bodies are weird and wonderful. They are a fun game that we get to play. Joy for us.

 

And hey, tell 'em it improves your morale. It's all good. HR's gotta accept that, right?

 

I was wondering where the big hug was coming from.

 

I'll try not to disappoint.

[Mistr]

I am calculating my body fat using tape measurements and a few different formulas to get an average. Two of my formulas are calculating me at about 15%, but the third runs me at about 21%, so it averages out to about 17%, rounded. But because I'm paranoid, I also use the photos as a way to have something semi-empirical to measure my progress.

 

I'm really sure that I'm walking around with a fair amount more muscle than I was before last winter. This is good. Winter's mission was successful. Now I need to keep that whilst whittling away the excess.

 

*

 

So, I typed this up, and then Chrome ate my post. That jerk. :-/

 

The gist of it is that all the training goals rocked. I kept my Lent perfectly, thus breaking a terrible habit that deprived me of life. And I did more cleaning of my space, minimizing things and gaining room in the process. The cleaning was the part that slipped the most, but I think I'm on to something there.

 

And... yeah.

 

Probably, this was by far the hardest challenge I've ever done here in the Rebellion. I've endured more pain and sadness and anger and heartache to higher degrees than I have in a long, long time. I thought those days were behind me, and that all that was left to me was to live a quiet life, never amounting to much, never mattering.

 

But now I understand just how fleeting life is, how small it is and how much it matters, and I'm being hounded by this feeling that I'm wasting myself away, playing small when I need to be burning bright.

 

I know now that I hate it. I hate that this is the life I've settled for, and I don't know how to make it more than it is.

 

I just know that I want to.

 

Gotta see to starting on that next Challenge.

 

I want you all to know that there were definitely some times in here where I just wanted to lay down and quit. I just didn't feel like there was a point, and that it didn't matter, and that I didn't matter.

 

But I had people calling me out, and a bunch of badass Monks showing up and doing the damn thing, day in and day out.

 

So I took a deep breath, and I kept on going.

 

Thank you all for inspiring me and keeping me going. God uses you to bless me, and sometimes it is a painful blessing, but I am better always for it.

 

Thank you.

 

And so we go. Onward and upward.

 

Okay, so you are saying that your very approximate method of estimating body fat is not giving you an answer you like. I understand how frustrating it is to have the numbers stay the same - even when the numbers are unreliable. I think the side-by-side photos will give you better information. Aside from the real-world results you are seeing in your performance.

 

Yay! Congratulations on blowing this challenge out of the water! Especially on your Lent goal.

 

Hold on here, what are you saying? 

 

First, I'm sorry that you had such a difficult time with depression and pain this challenge. That mostly did not show in your posts. Sure, you have had some tough times with your friend's funeral and tight finances. You took some risks being social in ways that stretched your skills. For the most part you handled all of the tough stuff and came out okay.

 

Second, where on earth did you get the idea that what you are doing in your late 20s has any predictive value for what you will be doing in five or ten years, much less for the rest of your life? Take a look around at the career paths of people who are in their 30s and 40s now. Very few people keep doing what they first trained to do. Lots of people get several years into a "career" then completely change fields. Some day you are going to look back and tell stories about the year you worked at Panera and shared that awful apartment with those roommates.

 

True, you don't know how your story is going to go. That's scary. But have faith that you can make the changes you want to make.

 

Third, listen to everyone here when we tell you that you DO make a DIFFERENCE. Your support means a lot to me and to everyone in the Monks. At some point someone talked you into selling yourself short. Cut it out. You are awesome.