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apike runs from zombies


apike

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Hope your weekend is relaxing and reenergizing for you. Good Luck

 

Oh god I wish. They're terrible. I'm cramming them full of every activity I can find and trying to run away from my feelings. It's not working. It's not working at all. I'm trying really really hard to reinvent myself right now because I'm hella depressed over my ex and getting dumped. I haven't been able to relax in a long time.

A. Pike

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Apike,

Okay, wow. These are serious tough times. This calls for some self compassion and love. And harder still, patience.

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with when we're putting so much effort into ourselves is that change is often too hard to track when we zero in on our days and hours. The perspective of change is not so focused as we hope it to be. It would be wonderful to recognize our changes each day before going to bed, tallying up our successes and new habits. Trouble being of course that changes don't usually happen in such big pictures as a day. We would see tiny modifications of attitude and body movements, but identifying them as change is hard for us to do without questioning the validity of what we are noticing. We have been taught to see and demand of ourselves "Big Change."

"Just do it! Jump in with both feet! Get yourself together!"

These are demands, practically threats. What if we don't see the change in a week's time? Do we negate the whole week? Do we truly need to show our successes to the world to prove we're doing it?

There's a great things in changing, one of them is the times where we can slow down and maintain what we have. Spend a small amount of time (as many times as you like) looking at what you are doing that you like. Not what you want or need to be doing. Stop expecting new changes for a bit. Take a day or two or four and really congratulate yourself for how far you've already come.

Change is not easy or smooth. I hope you allow yourself a bit of down time. This is no race. Your sorrows need time to heal, but if you have no energy and time to put towards that healing, you will run from it. Without the resources, we get overwhelmed and we stop attempting to heal. What if it hurts too much? What if I can't handle the pain without reverting back to old habits?

What if you didn't have to FIX the sorrow? What if you instead curl up somewhere safe ,with a tea and a soft blanket, and witness your sorrow for a short time? Set an alarm for 15 minutes. Listen to the stories inside your heart. Let the hurt feelings know you are listening and encourage them to release their feelings during this self comfort- oriented time. When the alarm goes off, thank your heart for talking and tell yourself how proud you are that even through all this pain, you have been working hard to better yourself. Then give yourself permission to take a few days off from active change and let yourself sit on the bench while the game continues.

I think this sort of time out is healthy and isn't the same as giving up or cheating. You need as much recovery from workouts of the heart as you do workouts of the body.

I am thinking of you and hoping this might bring a bit of relief to you.

Hugs and Cheer

Teri

The Way

Better Now than Back Then

Better Now than Later On

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Apike,

Okay, wow. These are serious tough times. This calls for some self compassion and love. And harder still, patience.

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with when we're putting so much effort into ourselves is that change is often too hard to track when we zero in on our days and hours. The perspective of change is not so focused as we hope it to be. It would be wonderful to recognize our changes each day before going to bed, tallying up our successes and new habits. Trouble being of course that changes don't usually happen in such big pictures as a day. We would see tiny modifications of attitude and body movements, but identifying them as change is hard for us to do without questioning the validity of what we are noticing. We have been taught to see and demand of ourselves "Big Change."

"Just do it! Jump in with both feet! Get yourself together!"

These are demands, practically threats. What if we don't see the change in a week's time? Do we negate the whole week? Do we truly need to show our successes to the world to prove we're doing it?

There's a great things in changing, one of them is the times where we can slow down and maintain what we have. Spend a small amount of time (as many times as you like) looking at what you are doing that you like. Not what you want or need to be doing. Stop expecting new changes for a bit. Take a day or two or four and really congratulate yourself for how far you've already come.

Change is not easy or smooth. I hope you allow yourself a bit of down time. This is no race. Your sorrows need time to heal, but if you have no energy and time to put towards that healing, you will run from it. Without the resources, we get overwhelmed and we stop attempting to heal. What if it hurts too much? What if I can't handle the pain without reverting back to old habits?

What if you didn't have to FIX the sorrow? What if you instead curl up somewhere safe ,with a tea and a soft blanket, and witness your sorrow for a short time? Set an alarm for 15 minutes. Listen to the stories inside your heart. Let the hurt feelings know you are listening and encourage them to release their feelings during this self comfort- oriented time. When the alarm goes off, thank your heart for talking and tell yourself how proud you are that even through all this pain, you have been working hard to better yourself. Then give yourself permission to take a few days off from active change and let yourself sit on the bench while the game continues.

I think this sort of time out is healthy and isn't the same as giving up or cheating. You need as much recovery from workouts of the heart as you do workouts of the body.

I am thinking of you and hoping this might bring a bit of relief to you.

Hugs and Cheer

Teri

Thank you.

 

I've never been very good at relaxing or self soothing. Those are very hard skills to learn, especially under stress. I have no roadmap for those. My living situation has changed dramatically and I'm still not used to it, not sure it's what I want, and have no real space of my own to feel at home in. I can't remember if or where I said it before, so in case it's not clear: I moved out because I was dumped, and the end to a relationship is a really hard thing to cope with.

 

I do see a therapist regularly, which gives me a place to breakdown and cry in a way that is limited. It feels much safer for me to be upset there than anywhere else, because if I cry in my regular life, there's no endpoint so I just keep crying and crying and crying and fall alseep in tears and it is awful.

I also have a doctor appointment coming up to try and deal with some underlying psychiatric needs that have always been there, but are making my depression much worse right now than I think it would otherwise be. I'll probably talk to her about the depression too, but I haven't had good luck treating that with meds in the past, so I have no intention to seek or accept meds for that.

 

Amazingly, I never dropping into full-blown sick mode. So I'm still running every other day. I throw in something else brief at the gym afterwards when I'm up for it, but that's not very often. I really need (unfortunately it's a need, not a want) to start doing yoga or something because my neck is death-trap tight. Because stress is like that. The running is actually going really well, although I need to be careful because my hip has been feeling tight the last few days. I may need to force myself to take a break to do some serious squats or deadlifts or something. Some of that stuff must have been helping, because it was feeling better (and still is, in general). Running is also kind of funny, because Zombies! 5k has you do the same workout 3 times in a row, but I tend to get wildly different distances for it, which don't seem to correlate too much with how well I feel like I did. I suspect it's the one location which doesn't get very strong gps signal, but I don't know how to verify that.

 

I've given up paying attention to sleep and water and writing. It's obviously more than I can handle right now. I'm paying a little attention, but not putting any real effort into it. I'm still writing occasionally, and my earlier efforts to pay attention to water are still paying off at work.

A. Pike

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Gah.

 

I finally caught that flu (or another one) going around and was out of commission all of last week. Missed work, not to mention all the running and whatnot.

 

Finally started running again with a shorter, unrestricted run on Sunday, which was almost too much to handle due to some very hilly terrain. Did my first training run since the 22nd today and it went pretty well though.

 

Hard to believe this challenge is almost over. The running part has been going well, overall. And I still have plenty of time to improve before the 5k at the end of April.

 

Wish I felt that optimistic about any other area of my life. Feels like I have no control over anything. I'm taking steps in all sorts of important changes, but I just... ick.

 

It's camp nano, so I'm starting that. I'm going with very very very low, simple goals for that, just to try to get back into the habit of writing.

A. Pike

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The low simple goals are great ideas. I'd say keep your running training going strong and find other goals for the next challenge that helps you stay balanced in the rest of your life. At least, that's what I'm doing next challenge! LOL

Glad you're feeling better.

The Way

Better Now than Back Then

Better Now than Later On

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