FemHawk: Respawn, Reboot, Recommit

[FemHawke]

I feel like I'm caught between a 'respawn', a re-try if you will, and a total reboot: starting the game over.

 

I changed my screen name (formally PhDifferent) to break some of my identity away from being a PhD student (though, not for much longer!), as there is quite a bit of pressure from hinging ones identity on one element; I was finding it a hindrance, rather than helpful. Why FemHawke? Well, DAO is one of my favourite games and I find the 'levelling up', making her own way, and general ass-kicking ability of Hawke (in this case, female Hawke) to be rather inspiring. Hawke, whether male or female, as with many other 'create your own' characters - they are a template, ready to be filled with personalized awesomeness and growth potential. 

 

So, here we go. 

 

Overall Mission: Taking Care of Me

 

I admit, I tend towards 'people pleasing' and worrying and taking care of everyone else before I take care of me, both avoiding conflict by asserting what I need and drawing on the energy of making others happy and 'oh, she's so great for doing x, y, z' - but at the end of the day, I end up feeling more drained than anything. More to it, taking care of everyone else becomes a really convenient excuse for why I haven't done things 'for me' that I should be doing, especially stuff that is hard and uncomfortable. 

 

Without getting into too much detail, I have to create a better balance between taking care of me, and then taking care of others. Even when it's difficult; or rather, especially when it's difficult. I don't know how long it will take, but I am moving towards a place where I will create and draw on my own energy and know that my needs are being met, by me. I will still be caring and compassionate; but not to a fault, and not to the detriment of being able to take care of myself. Step one of this journey will be carving out the time that I need to take care of me. 

 

Quest 1: Back to Basics

 

After an embarrassingly long hiatus (while still paying for the membership. Ugh), about four weeks ago I started going back to the gym; aiming for 3x/week (M/W/F), and if I couldn't make it to the gym, I would do my kettle bell workout at home. The first week I missed one workout, the second week I missed two, but made up for one at home, the third and fourth weeks I didn't miss any. So, I've already started laying the groundwork for getting back into it: but now it's official, as it has been recorded for all to see here. 

 

Goal: go to the gym after work 3x/week*

 

Monday: Squats (with a barbell. I'm still only at barbell weight) and supplementary exercises (face pulls, planks, overhead press, and whatever else looks fun) 

 

Wednesday: Arm day. Bench (currently 60lbs; a little under half my bodyweight), pushups, assisted pull-ups, over-head press with 12kg kettle bell. I usually throw in some KB swings as well. 

 

Friday: Deadlift daaaaaay. I just started back at DLs last week at 70lbs, though the last time I was doing them in the fall I moved up to 110lbs pretty quickly. I'll also do some bar-only bench press (3x5), KB swings (2x20), and some time on the elliptical. 

 

* In about 3 or so weeks from now I'll be taking some language classes after work. So, I'll either switch-up my workout days, or, I'll go to the gym after class. 

 

Grades:

 

A+: Never.Missed.A.Workout (if one at the gym was missed, it was made up for at home with the 45min KB workout DVD)

B: Missed one, was not made up for.

C: Missed two, one was made up for.

D+: Missed two, no make-ups or missed three, with one or two made up at home. 

F: Missed three, no make-ups. 

 

 

Quest 2: Be Prepared for Awesomeness 

 

Again, this is a refresh and making sure I get into the habit of 'taking time for me'. One of the things I've always had as a goal was eating better, so for this challenge this means creating the context that this can actually happen. Namely - making my own food rather than falling prey to the 'easy but not good for you' offerings at the work food court. Not to mention, a waste of money! 

 

Goal: All homemade meals, all the time [unless it's a special event/planned ahead of time]. When I cook at home, I do tend to eat primal/paleo (and my eczema is much better, that is non-existent, when I do that. So, yay!), so it's a 'two birds, one stone' kind of thing. This also has a spin-off effect in that because I'm making sure I have that time, it also means I have to plan my other time carefully (i.e. getting to bed in time, so I can get enough sleep and get up in time to make sure I can have breakfast and get my lunch ready). It's much easier to be awesome when we prepare for, and take the time for, it. 

Grades: 

 

A+: All of the homemade meals! 

B: One meal was not homemade. 

C: Two meals. 

D: Three potato fo-...I mean, three meals were not homemade. 

F: Four meals were not homemade. 

 

Life Quest: Finding Freedom, Beating Fear (Pass/Fail)

 

Oh, I've been here before! This is my nemesis, the anchor around my neck and rather than being scared of it...I'm fracking tired of it! Good news alert: back in the late fall I started a full-time job in my field, and I loooOooOooove it! While there was a steep learning curve, and I have more to learn, I'm also pretty darn good at it. This has given me confidence in my abilities, which has transferred to my dissertation writing. This is a big goal, but I don't have much of a choice: by the time this 6 week challenge is up, I will have finished the last chapter and a half of my dissertation. That's all I have left (well, plus a boat load of revisions I'm sure) between me and finishing this darn thing. It seems so simple, so obvious, but this is my mountain and it's been a long climb and I'm tired - but I have confidence I haven't had in a long time.

One foot in front of the next, and I'll git 'er done.

 

Milestones:

 

March 1st: Chapter 5 DONE

 

March 13: Research for Chapter 6 DONE (seriously, I have a problem with researching too much)

 

March 25: Half-Way point Chapter 6 check-in

 

April 6th: Chapter 6 DONE

[Absidey]

Srs bizness with your grading; the back up plan for workouts is a great idea. Love the lifts! And thank you for the face pulls; I had to google. =D

[Xena]

Looks like a good clear plan. Good luck finishing the dissertation! Must be a huge relief to have a job already. I'm sure it's hard to finish writing at the same time, but keep to your schedule and you can do it :-)

[Noname123]

Awesome challenge! Your goals are great, and the whole 'take care of yourself' really resonates with a lot of people here. 

 

What I've discovered the last year- the more I take care of me first, the more I'm able to do for others. Crazy how that works!

[FemHawke]

Thank you everyone!

 

Srs bizness with your grading; the back up plan for workouts is a great idea. Love the lifts! And thank you for the face pulls; I had to google. =D

 

What can I say, ever the academic and/or student, I guess? And, you're welcome! I find they're a good 'counter move' to the benchpress. 

 

 

Looks like a good clear plan. Good luck finishing the dissertation! Must be a huge relief to have a job already. I'm sure it's hard to finish writing at the same time, but keep to your schedule and you can do it :-)

 

 

Thanks! I'll need the luck, I think! It is a relief to have the job, for sure, but because it's so related to my field - it's pretty mentally exhausting, and to come home and do 'more of the same' - yeah, it's difficult; but it has to be done!

 

 

Awesome challenge! Your goals are great, and the whole 'take care of yourself' really resonates with a lot of people here. 

 

What I've discovered the last year- the more I take care of me first, the more I'm able to do for others. Crazy how that works!

 

 

Crazy how that works, indeed! There's always that (irrational) thought of "what if they're angry at me for putting me first?"; but in the end, anyone worth having around wouldn't. 

 

--

 

So, checking-in for Day 1/Week 1! It wasn't looking good this morning/early afternoon, I had a migraine staring up (ugh. They make me violently ill if they get bad enough, not fun!). Luckily I took pain meds early enough into it that it went away eventually and while still feeling a bit 'blah', I was able to head to the gym. Huzzah! 

 

Workout consisted of: 15min warmup/stretches; 3x5 squats (bar only first two sets, added 10lbs for the final set. Felt pretty easy, so, next week I'll start with the 10lbs added and then add another 10 for the next sets); 3x5 face-pulls (60lbs); 3x10 on something that kind of looks like this thing:

 

 

...but the calf rest/holder is lower, so it allows you to start in more of an inverted V position, and then squeezing glutes/hamstrings/abs and lifting up into the above position. With a 20lb kettle bell in my arms. Then 10min of cooling down and stretching out. Head is still a bit iffy, but I'm glad I went! 

 

All meals today were homemade. I did have a tea at work to settle my stomach/help my head when I was feeling gross. 

 

Annnnnnnd just spent the past 45min working on dissertation. I'd like to do more, but, I should move away from the computer screen so I can get a good sleep tonight. I'm sure I've got a good book I can read somewhere! 

 

Keep on kickin' ass everyone! I'll be back tomorrow evening to check and see how other folks are doing  

[Solstice Tiger]

Just wandered over from the Assassins to say....

Great goals! Your grading really is intense; I don't know if I'd do well under your system, lol, but if it works for you, that is wonderful I like the idea of making more home-cooked meals myself...maybe I will take some inspiration from you and do that!

[Noname123]

 

If it's something like this it's the hyper back extension according to those in my gym! Not sure if it's correct or not but it did pop up in my google search!  

[FemHawke]

Solstice Tiger - Yeah, sometimes I'm a little too keen/hard on myself...but, we'll see how this goes! And, yay for home cooked meals!  

 

Slates - Yes! That's exactly it! Thanks

--

 

I had a snack today at work, but all major meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) were home cooked/brought from home. Huzzah!

[FemHawke]

Day 3 check-in!
 

Gym - something, something complete... 

 

Huzzah! Started off with my assisted pull-ups, counterweight set at about 60lbs for first two sets of 'as many as I can do' (usually about 10) and then dropped it to 50lbs for the last set, which ended up being around 5. They're getting easier, so a goal of mine would be able to do one full bodyweight pull-up by the time the challenge is over. 

Bench was after pull-ups, which was unfortunate since my arms were jello by this point (normally I start with the benchpress), so I did two sets of bar only, one set with an added 10lbs. Then, 3x10 face-pulls at 60lbs, 2x10 one-armed overhead press with a 20lb kettle bell, then 10 squats with the kettle bell, stretching and cool down. 

 

Meals: all home made! 

 

Dissertation: I have about 20min before I'll be turning off all screens so I can unwind before I head to bed, but will use that to do some editing. 

 

Hope everyone else is kicking ass out there!  

[Noname123]

Wooo looks like your first week is shaping up nicely!!!!!!

[Absidey]

Great start!

[FemHawke]

Thanks, Slates and Absidey!

 

Work week is dooooooooone! (Said in my best death metal voice). Week 1 isn't over, but it's shaping up to be good so far!

 

Workouts for the week: A+, not a one missed! Today was deadlift day. I started getting a bit of a headache before the work day was over, but I pushed myself to go to the gym anyway as it wasn't 'too bad'. And, I like deadlifts.

 

15min warmup/stretches

2x5 DL @ 95lbs and then 1x5 at 115lbs (wasn't too difficult either. It wasn't super easy, but I didn't struggle to get it off the floor).

Bench, just because: 2x5 @ 50lbs and 1x5 at 60lbs.

3x10 hyper back extensions with a 10lb plate in my arms.

cool down and stretchs.

 

I would have liked to do more, like some weighted walking lunges, but by this point my headache was getting worse so I called it a night.  Still, I got my arse to the gym 3x this week. Huzzah! 

 

So far, meals are shaping up too: all meals, save for one (which was planned - lunch out with my mum), have been homemade. 

 

Every night I've done work on the dissertation. Sometimes it's two hours, sometimes it's only 20min (if I've already had a long night) and I try and shut it down by 9 or 9:30, so I don't have computer lights keeping me up (though, I do have f.lux on my laptop). 

 

Keep on kickin' ass, everyone!  

[CandiRose]

I love your goals, especially the overarching theme. Being a people pleaser I think is a really hard mold to break for a lot of us. It's something I am working on myself so will watch with interest

 

Home cooked meals are the best arnt they. Every time we eat out my husband always tells me its such a waste, because we can cook better tasting food at home!

Good luck with your goals!

[FemHawke]

Thanks, CandiRose! 

 

Yeah, the people pleasing habit is a hard one to break, sometimes I feel guilty for 'taking too much time for me'. But, I also know that my perception is warped because I had thought taking any time for me would be 'too much'! So, taking some time for myself is normal and a good idea, not selfish. 

 

Ugh. I think that too: if I bought the ingredients, I could make most of what is made in restaurants. I mean, sometimes it's not cost effective because they'll have some rare/expensive incidents, but for the most part I could do something similar (since I love to cook), so it's hard to justify a lot of going out meals...even if I do like a break from cooking every now and again!

[Xena]

Great consistency this week, even with the looming threat of migranes!

[Solstice Tiger]

F.lux is awesome! I have it on my computers too, though like you I don't use it as an excuse to keep working on computers way into the night (like my fiance >.< lol). 9:30 is when it's time to get ready for bed!

 

congrats on your workouts, and well done going to the gym even with headacheness! I sometimes have to convince myself that it will be more worth it to work out than to not at times like that, and it always is worth it (I just forget that in my little monkey brain sometimes!).

 

Your week 1 is going to finish fabulously

[Swinging_Jarnbjorn]

Good luck on your challenge! The dissertation must be daunting, but if you think of the volume of work you've done to come this far, how does it compare? You've done the work, done the studying, and you're ready to wrap up. Good job! 

 

You've already won. All that's left now is to finish.

[FemHawke]

Good luck on your challenge! The dissertation must be daunting, but if you think of the volume of work you've done to come this far, how does it compare? You've done the work, done the studying, and you're ready to wrap up. Good job! 

 

You've already won. All that's left now is to finish.

 

 

Thank you! That's a really good way of putting it. I do tend to get overwhelmed now and again, but then I do think back and reflect on having 160pgs done (yes, with revisions to do I'm sure - but, they're still written), plus 25pgs of my current chapter (10 more to go, or there abouts), and then 35 in the next; so 45pgs left. That's 115 less than I've already done. Good perspective!

 

--

 

WEEK ONE = A+! I went to the gym every.day! M/W/F. All meals, except one (which was planned) were home made. Huzzah! I've been working away on the dissertation, and I'm still on track to be done by the end of this challenge. 

 

--

 

Week 2, Day 1: Gym dooooOoooone *singsong*. 

 

- 15min warmup and stretches

 

- Squats! 1 set of 5 with just the bar, then 2x5 with 20lbs added (so, about 65lbs, maybe 75lbs; I'm not sure how heavy the bar is. It looks/feels more like the titanium/heavier competition bar from my old gym, but who knows). Either way, huzzah! When I first started back at the gym a few weeks ago, just the bar felt kind of heavy and awkward - now, I 65lbs is relatively comfortable. There were moments where I had to push myself to get back up, but it wasn't a terrible struggle. 

 

Squat question: how can I keep my toes in place? Maybe I'm putting too much weight on my heels? As I squat down and push my knees out, sometimes my toes turn out as well. It could also be an issue with my shoes, they're not terribly grippy on the wood platform. 

 

- 2 x 10 assisted pull-ups, just because (even though it's not 'arm day', I find my arms recover quickly). Having the counterweight set at 60lbs is getting easier. 

 

- 10 each side of 'walking lunges' with a 15lb dumbbell in each hand 

 

- 3x10 hyper back extensions alternating with 3 30second planks (longer, if I could hold it). 

 

- cool down and stretches. 

 

 

Meals: all were home made (breakfast, lunch, dinner). 

 

Dissertation: it's already been a long night, but, I've taken 15min to do some writing. It's already past my usual cutoff point, so I'd best shut 'er down. 

 

Keep on kicking ass, everyone!  

[Solstice Tiger]

WELL DONE!!

[Swampling]

Awesome first week! 

 

And great perspective on the dissertation! With all those pages you have already under your belt, the rest should be a piece of cake for you!  

 

Great job, keep kicking ass!     

[FemHawke]

Thanks, ST! I first saw that at work from my phone and almost spit out my coffee from laughing. Awesome!

 

And, thank you Swampling!  

[FemHawke]

Week 2, Day 3: GRRRRR!  
 

I mean. Hello!
 

Went to the gym, huzzah! Arm day today: 15min warmup/stretches; Bench: 1x5 bar only, 2x5 with 20lbs added...so...65lbs. This is the most weight I've added so far, so, yay! It was a bit of a struggle on the last rep of my last set, but I gave it a grunt and got the bar back up; 3x10 one-arm overhead press with a 17lb kettle bell, alternating with 2 sets of two-handed kb swings (27lb kb), and 1x20 set of alternating one handed kb swings; 3x as many as I can do pull-ups (1st set was 10, then 8 and 6. Total: 24) with the counterweight set at 60lbs; 8 knee pushups (I'm getting better at these, though it didn't help that my arms were jello by this point); cool down and stretches. 

 

All meals, homemade. Currently working on dissertation, will do so until 9:30 or so. Best get back to it! 

 

Hope everyone is having an awesome week 2!  

[CandiRose]

wow sounds like you are killing this challenge, awesome job xx

[FemHawke]

Thanks, CR!

 

Was not feeling particularly gym-y on Friday, it's been a long week, but I went anyway. It was dead lift daaaaaaay! I started off with 1x5 with two 25lb plates (so, 95lbs if the bar is 45), then added another 10lbs, 105 for another 1x5, and then added another 10lbs for 115lbs x5 (if the bar is 45, and not 55). I'm about 20lbs off from bodyweight! Again, I could feel my muscles working, but I still had gas in the tank after I was done. So, I could probably add another 10-15lbs next week. 

 

After DLs, I did 3x10 rows, weight set at 45lbs. Then 3x10 hyper back extensions; I could feel that my back muscles were tired after the added DL weight. Then, cool down and stretch. 

 

Meals weren't as good as last week, a C on that: two meals were not homemade (and not planned as such) Thursday's lunch (training all day, went out for lunch when I learned food was not provided) and Friday's breakfast (I ran out of eggs and didn't pick more up Thursday night). I had lunch out on Friday, but that was planned, and will be having dinner out tonight with DH - also planned. 

 

Still working on the diss. Didn't do any last night, spent time with the DH instead, which is also important. Went grocery shopping early this morning, so I have the rest of the AM to work away. 

 

--

 

Starting Monday, basically until the end of the challenge, it's going to be even more challenging for me: I have French classes after work, on my normal gym days (M/W. No class on Friday, so that's good), which means I can either go to the gym before work on M/W, or, after my French class. I'm leaning towards starting the day off at the gym, so I'll be rolling out of bed around 5:45am to get to the gym with enough time to workout, shower, and then get to work. Downside is I will be buying breakfast on those days (I eat eggs and whatnot for breakfast, oatmeal or cereal isn't enough, otherwise I'd make oatmeal at work or something). It will make getting to the gym early easier by having breakfast afterward, and I can see it being easier to get out of bed after the alarm goes off than finishing class around 7:30-8 and trying to drag my butt to the gym. 

 

Hope the rest of Week 2 is going well for everyone!  

[Swampling]

That sounds like a pretty busy schedule! ^^ 

 

What about preparing an egg monster or egg "muffins" to take with you on morning-gym days? Would that work for you?