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Mir Practices Mindfulness


Morrigainz

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Hokay. So. Here's Mir. (not round)

 

So yeah I've been around NF for like a while and stuff, but I haven't been active for...I dunno. A few months. Life has been interesting to manage - bought a house, sold a house, bought a car, sold a car, took a couple vacations, etc. Got assigned to a huge project at work. Which is a huge clusterfuck, but that's another story.

 

Warrior at heart, but very not-warriory goals this round (see below). Struggle with depression and have since my teen years. Recently (within the last year) diagnosed with ADHD. Been in and out of therapy, on and off meds (currently on), and only recently figured out that I have a LOT of shit to work out. Which is incredibly depressing and overwhelming to me. But I have recently decided that I am worth it. And I am finally ready.

 

For anyone who doesn't know me, I'm super open, and super honest, and I swear a lot, and I have word vomit a lot of the time.

 

Oh. I should also mention, from a fitness perspective, that my fitness is fucked. I haven't lifted seriously in many, many months, although I have been going slightly more frequently (like...4 times in the last month). Which is better than nothing. About a year ago, I'd had a really bad holiday season and I weighed the most I have ever weighed in my adult life. I started losing, and then I started on my meds last summer, and then I REALLY started losing. I've lost around 30 lbs since a year ago and that's probably all I really need to lose. HOWEVER, along with my fitness being fucked, my diet is fucked. At this point I eat like once a day (thanks appetite suppressants and busy project times). I am undernourished and malnourished, FO SHO. I am not anorexic or have any type of eating disorder. I just...sort of got used to not eating. So I need to re-establish the habit of eating more, at some point, and eating enough to support my lifting, and actually, y'know, lifting.

 

However this is a mental health challenge - one thing at a time. So...

goals

1. Start using dbt skills workbook with therapist. Probably also diary cards. Not sure what this will look like yet.
2. Check out Buddhist temple I am interested in. Go to 3 meditation sessions.
3. Continue daily habit forming with tiny baby steps. Need to keep up my momentum.
4. Be actively MINDFUL. Participate and live in the moment and appreciate that it will never come again. Ichi go Ichi e

Gotta admit, as a warrior, I'm pretty intimidated coming in here. Especially after being gone for so long.

Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

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Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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No intimidation, just all of the AWESOME! :) *highfive*

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 56 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

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Been in and out of therapy, on and off meds (currently on), and only recently figured out that I have a LOT of shit to work out. Which is incredibly depressing and overwhelming to me. But I have recently decided that I am worth it. And I am finally ready.

I'd say 'join the club'.  Which is a bit exaggerated, but the Druid's grove imo has the most experience in the darker & lighter side of mental well being. 

 

For anyone who doesn't know me, I'm super open, and super honest, and I swear a lot, and I have word vomit a lot of the time.

there's allways room for a bit more of Yang to balance the Ying in here  ;)

 

 

at some point, and eating enough to support my lifting, and actually, y'know, lifting.

yes.. yessss  lifting  ^^   but ? :

tumblr_nhvz4eaIko1qftj20o1_500.jpg

 

 

I am not anorexic or have any type of eating disorder. I just...sort of got used to not eating. So I need to re-establish the habit of eating more, at some point, and eating enough to support my lifting,

 

You're describing my life there.  If I'd cut out all the junk food, my body would still hold on to all my fat out of fear of starvation.  I'm too scared of counting calories since I wouldnt even make it to 2/3th of what I should be eating.  I'm very intrested on how you'll re-establish your eating habits.

 

Check out Buddhist temple I am interested in. Go to 3 meditation sessions.

 

Practicing Meditation in group can  sometimes be so much easyer.    It's all very case bound tho.

 

I hope you'll feel at ease here while you are tackling your goals irl.

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Nusuth Revamped

Current Challenge

 

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf 

 Jon Kabat-Zinn

A quitter never wins and a winner never quits.

Napoleon Hill

 

 

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Thanks my nerd bros <3 Although do druids call themselves bros?

 

I give no fucks. Y'all are my nerd bros.

 

I made some decisions on my way into work on this frigid morning.

 

1. Starting next week (and not this week because I'm just not with it enough this week): I am going to re-introduce protein shakes into my diet. And start having them at lunchtime. It will be better than nothing, which is what I am doing right now. Yesterday all I ate were a bunch of Sweet Tarts and some kind of dip thing with crackers. Oh and then I also had a bottle of champagne (although in my defense I wasn't alone! I had company). Which leads me to #2...

 

2. No more drinking a bottle of wine a night routinely. I do not think I am an alcoholic but I am certainly not doing my health (physical or mental) any favors. I need clarity and perspective in my life right now. So I think I will start drinking a lot more tea. And if I want to have a beer when I go out for dinner or a bottle of wine when I have friends over, I'm not going to kill myself with guilt. But seriously, it's really getting out of hand.

 

As far as goals:

 

I haven't started using the workbooks yet, although I've started doing some reading. I have an appt with my therapist this Friday, so we will probably start talking about them at that point. I've already got some good ideas from one of them, and I just need to take some time to implement them. I am also wondering if I can somehow form my own DBT group to talk about the things we learn. I process externally, and I can see how something like DBT could be more helpful with feedback and insight from others.

 

Buddhist temple: I have a sister date tonight, and I may go to the gym even (WHAT), so no temple tonight. And they don't have meditation on Wednesdays. BUT I don't currently have any plans for Thursday night (I don't think) so I can go then. Hopefully I can find a friend to come with me.

 

Habits: are continuing.

 

Mindfulness: ehhhhh. It's a process. It can be extremely difficult to be present in the moment and observe your feelings without judging them. Especially when you are good at hyperfocusing and you are experiencing a negative feeling and you just want to FIX IT. But we'll get there.

Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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I am here.  I am wildross...not groot...

 

Good thing you are fluffy sheep so you don't freeze.

 

Oh, druids, be warned....mir does not hug.  She jump-hugs

Warriors don't count reps and sets. They count tons.

My psychologist weighs 45 pounds, has an iron soul and sits on the end of a bar

Tally Sheet for 2019

Encouragement for older members: Chronologically Blessed Group;

Encouragement for newbie lifters: When we were weaker

 

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Oh, druids, be warned....mir does not hug.  She jump-hugs

I GLOMP!!!

I had many thoughts on my way to work this morning, but now I'm not sure I remember them all. I know I remember some.

 

1. I feel flat. I feel like each day passes in a fog. I'm managing to do most of my adulting (barely - you should see the heap of laundry I need to do) but every day I wake up and feel like yesterday is so remote. I'm not sure if this is due to meds, depression, a lack of participating in the moment, or a combination of all of the above. I know I spent a great deal of time yesterday agonizing over the state of things in my life (particularly my marriage) and so for a good portion I was not present. However, I only realized that just now upon reflection; I did not recognize it in the moment.

 

2. Habit-building is hard. I have started to build some small habits that are helping to unfuck my life (setting up meds at night, taking them before getting out of bed in the am, hanging keys immediately when I get home) but I need/want to start creating some bigger habits. Like going to the gym. At the end of each workday I am exhausted and flat, and sometimes sad. All I want to do is go home and veg (and this is me, the super extrovert talking).

 

Re: the gym, I have two things I want to do. I want to lift and I want to yoga. Yoga because of my SI joint issues, which have started creeping back in since I started going back to the gym-ish. Oh and my PT exercises that I have, of course, neglected. But creating that routine is hard. Everything is different now. I work in a different building, belong to a different gym, live in a different house - and I haven't figured out what the best routine is yet. It's a process for sure. The gym is right across the street from my work. I used to go on my lunch hour, but when I got assigned to this project, I decided I wanted to step up my game and be a bit more professional - i.e., not take long lunches and then come back all gross and sweaty. 

I am no longer sure which thing takes priority. I wonder if working out at lunch would give me a boost to get through the rest of the day not in a fog.

 

I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I have a lot of big changes that I need/want to make, but I am not really sure how to go about that. It doesn't help that I haven't had therapy in 2 weeks (was on vacation one week, sick the next week). I will see her this week which will be good but I definitely feel starved.

 

I'm really struggling with some stuff at work too. I'm having a hard time focusing/being present, as I mentioned. Most of the time, I am either ON or OFF. Off doesn't just mean "off my game" - it means off like a lightswitch. After spending a significant portion of time being ON at work, it's very hard to fake it when I'm OFF. To the point where I just can't do it. Many times when I am OFF I will just stay home (although I have gotten slightly better at that). Because people notice when you're ON and then one day you're OFF. There is a woman here who I have wanted to approach about acting as my professional mentor, but it's hard to do when I'm OFF and I don't know how much to explain to her. Because I KNOW she has noticed the OFFness.

 

Another thing I've thought about work is that I really need to be interacting with people on a regular basis. I spent a number of weeks pulling data extracts, neck deep in SQL and a million different tables and while it was interesting, I kind of felt myself....wilting.

 

But I'm terrified to ask for more interaction with people (despite being SUPER EXTROVERT MIR) because it's hard to interact with people effectively when I'm OFF. And I don't want to participate in more stupid, useless meetings.

 

Communication has been a huge issue on this project and I brought it up to the communications lead several months ago - and it went nowhere. However, the lead is a gatekeeper of sorts - and he will not be happy if I go around his helmet. I think I have a lot to offer in the realm of improving communication, but my attempt has been stymied and I'm not sure how else to go about it.

 

That's my brain dump for now.

Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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SO FLAT. MANY FOG.

I feel like I can't do anything or make an impact on the world. I feel like I am drifting/floating/coasting. I have spent a lot of my life feeling this way. It's uncomfortable to say the least.

I realize the only way to get out is to PARTICIPATE. Get out. Do things. I feel like I am trying, but maybe I am trying the wrong things. last night I had a friend over. She's great - one of my besties. But this morning I feel meh. So probably I should have gone to the gym instead, but I wanted people and social interaction.

So it is 11:20 am and I am still in bed, drinking leftover champagne because I didn't want it to go to waste.

Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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Mirrrrrr. Heavy stuff, man.

Don't have good answers to a lot of it, but I'd encourage you to still reach out to your would-be mentor. Especially if she's already noticed the off-ness, then there's really nothing to be lost. As to how much to explain...as much as you feel comfortable with. I certainly wouldn't shy away from the fact that you have off times, even if you don't want to get into why you think those might be. The best mentors will try to help you through that stuff. After all, that's what mentors are for - it's not just networking bs :). (Also, no one is "on" all the time at work).

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aye , you sound pretty depri  ;)

that said, there's still much good to be read.  A lot of 'I want' etc .  Better to be in the Fog then the Abyss...

 

The gym is right across the street from my work. I used to go on my lunch hour, but when I got assigned to this project, I decided I wanted to step up my game and be a bit more professional - i.e., not take long lunches and then come back all gross and sweaty.

That's appearing professional by being present.  Being professional is actually going to the gym and coming back wet-showered & energized to put in the hours when the rest of the team is dozing about in after-lunch crash.

 

I myself boosted my productivity x4 , by setting an alarm to get up of my desk every 1h, going for a walk around the block every 2h.  Instead of watching my screen 8h in a row.

 

Hear ya about the communication in IT.  We got twice as much managers as people doing actually technical work.  communication is still a nightmare.

 

I feel like I am trying, but maybe I am trying the wrong things. last night I had a friend over. She's great - one of my besties. But this morning I feel meh. So probably I should

Don't second guess good things !

 

So it is 11:20 am and I am still in bed, drinking leftover champagne because I didn't want it to go to waste.

Don't second guess good things !!

 

Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Don't second guess good things !!!

 

Banzaaaai !!!!!

Nusuth Revamped

Current Challenge

 

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf 

 Jon Kabat-Zinn

A quitter never wins and a winner never quits.

Napoleon Hill

 

 

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Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

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* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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aye , you sound pretty depri  ;)

that said, there's still much good to be read.  A lot of 'I want' etc .  Better to be in the Fog then the Abyss...

 

That's appearing professional by being present.  Being professional is actually going to the gym and coming back wet-showered & energized to put in the hours when the rest of the team is dozing about in after-lunch crash.

 

I myself boosted my productivity x4 , by setting an alarm to get up of my desk every 1h, going for a walk around the block every 2h.  Instead of watching my screen 8h in a row.

 

Hear ya about the communication in IT.  We got twice as much managers as people doing actually technical work.  communication is still a nightmare.

Good points all.

 

One of the things I do, and the reason I am here, is I get stuck in my own head. I fixate on something that is wrong, and instead of practicing radical acceptance, I get upset that I can't do anything RIGHT NOW to fix the situation, and I don't know how to fix the situation, and I feel powerless and victimized. Which just leads to more angst. I am very self-aware. Maybe TOO self-aware. Because I think and I think and I think when sometimes I could benefit from DOING. I paralyze myself in my misery. And when I am in that moment, in that place, I feel as though I cannot get out of it. I don't want to do anything but sit there and feel miserable. EVEN THOUGH I know getting out and doing something will help. Last night I was planning to go to this vaudeville thing in town - it looked super fun - but then something happened and I spent the rest of the day bummed and even though I had the whole day free to do WHATEVER I WANTED and it was sunny and comparatively warm (mid 20s), I did nothing. I sat around and was sad. ALL DAY. People offered to hang out - like go have dinner - and I just couldn't/didn't even want to.

 

I do not know how to break out of the cycle. I tried to resist the lure of wine. But then I gave up. So I drank a bottle. For a minute it wasn't terrible, because I was talking on the phone with a friend who was ALSO drinking, so it was like we were hanging out.

 

I have a group on Facebook that I created called "Mir's Anti-Sads Accountability Group". I talk about much of the same stuff as here, probably. But here is something I posted in the group earlier this week that kind of woke me up: 

 

 

But my experience of yesterday does not have to be my experience today. I have the power to change the story. This is sort of a revelation, because a sense of powerlessness, of victimization, of things happening TO me has featured prominently in my narrative thus far. I think this is part of what makes it so hard for me to accept my successes as such rather than just flukes.

This feeling is safe because it absolves me of any responsibility. It means I am not responsible for the bad choices I make, because I can't help it, because I'm powerless. It also means, as mentioned above, that when I do awesome things, I don't get to claim responsibility for them. Because they just happened.

 

I think that this actually might be the root of many of my problems. I have a hard time making the RIGHT choice, or the HEALTHY choice. And when I don't make the right choice, I point to my victimhood.

 

So, among all the other questions I've been asking myself, and my friends - how do I not be a victim anymore? How do I change that mentality?

 

-----

 

Re: challenge goals, meh. I have been present in the moment this morning and it was just lovely. I was trying to be present with my sadness yesterday, but I'm not sure if it was actually being present or wallowing.

 

I haven't made it to the Buddhist temple yet.

 

Re: habits, I have decided the next thing I need to tackle is my routine. I had a routine of going to the gym, but it got fucked up for a bunch of reasons, and now I'm not going consistently, and that makes me sad because I love my barbarella. So instead of focusing super hard on a tiny baby step (although I might decide to take some measures re: organization, if I happen to think about it), I am going to focus on creating a new routine to make sure I get to the gym. I've been thinking and pondering and trying to figure out how to make it work in lots of different permutations, but really I'm just procrastinating. So that will be my next thing.

 

Haven't met with the therapist yet because one week I was on vacation, and then the next week I was sick/didn't feel like going, and last week her grandma was in hospice and was not doing well. I have many things and thoughts I want to discuss with her. I DID start going through one of the workbooks and checking things I am willing to do. I can continue that on my own, but as far as things like diary cards, or journaling, or actually writing stuff down or actually practicing any of these things...I feel intimidated and overwhelmed. It would help me to have direction. And homework.

 

So there's my blahblahblah. :)

Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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Hey mir.

I'm with you on the whole"Being too self aware". I think a lot of depressed people, including myself, get down from over analyzing our own behaviors or thoughts. I've been trying really hard the pat few months to recognize when I do this and remind myself that I'm just beating myself up then let it go. Even if I said something stupid, usually I'm the only person who remembers it later and no one else cares, so why should I?

The victimization thing... I go through that sometimes too. We are victims and sometimes we have to excuse ourselves of what the depression and anxiety can make us do or think if we aren't aware of it, but we do eventually have to try to take control and try to catch it before the next one happens. Sometimes that requires some tough changes, but if they give your leverage against the depression, it's worth it. I recently made the decision to leave graduate school. The path I was on had too much stress and was leading me far off the path leading to the life I really want. But now with the weight of my mind I can stick to a routine better and overall feel better. I'm still cycling in and out of depression a bit, but it's getting more manageable.

Also, I'm wondering if things are worse because it's winter. I've been using light therapy in the morning and it helps wake me up at least.

I think I'm babbling now. I hope something in there helps.

Level 3, Rebel

Currtent Challenge
Previously known as: Curl Brogo, Darwins_Demon, Vincent Van Bro

2020 Respawn Battle Log || Tarly's Ten Level Nutrition Plan

My Fitness Pal Profile || NF Epic Quest Character Page || Instagram

Weight Loss Quest: Start 270 lbs., Goal 199 lbs., Current 270 lbs., Waist: ,45.0 in., Bodyfat%: 33%

 

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Definitely helpful!

 

It is easy for the self-awareness/introspection to turn into dwelling/beating self up. I have started (although it is difficult) practicing radical acceptance - there is nothing I can do in the moment to improve or change things, so there is no point in continuing to dwell on it or feel angst or wish things were different.

 

Have you identified anything in particular that has helped you with the victimization thing? It's taken me this long to realize I even *do* it, let alone noticing it in the moment and taking corrective action.

 

Someone told me recently that I have less to work on than I think I do.

 

I think he is right.

 

Which is weird.

 

Also, for Christmas, Mr Mir got me a wake up light alarm clock thing. It has been helpful. I've also started taking my meds first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed. This has also been helpful.

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Level ? Half-Dwarf/Half-Amazon Warrior

STR:21.25 STA:15 DEX: 10.95 CON: 14 WIS:15.5 CHA:17

SWOLE BUCKS: 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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I think for a while I just let myself think, "I'm a victim of depression. It's okay to stay in bed all day." I realized eventually it's not. I'm going to have to get a job eventually, and nobody is going to tolerate me blowing off meetings and days of work. I have to get up and fight back. Just like missing a rep. Think of a day of depression as a deload. You back off a bit cuz life got to be a bit much, and once your get your rest you come back stronger, and hopefully you get a PR. Or at least you fix a small form error, learn something, back off and attack again.

I think it's the routine that helps. It's just like your lifting program. It's boring and it sucks sometimes, but if you stick to it you get stonger. Yeah, you'll have a bad day, miss a rep whatever. And if something repeatedly doesn't work you can add assistance work or change an exercise.

Of course before you pick a program you have to know your goals.

Okay. Enough metaphor...

Hold that thought, I actually have to get to work. I'll fill in the rest later. :)

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Level 3, Rebel

Currtent Challenge
Previously known as: Curl Brogo, Darwins_Demon, Vincent Van Bro

2020 Respawn Battle Log || Tarly's Ten Level Nutrition Plan

My Fitness Pal Profile || NF Epic Quest Character Page || Instagram

Weight Loss Quest: Start 270 lbs., Goal 199 lbs., Current 270 lbs., Waist: ,45.0 in., Bodyfat%: 33%

 

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