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Teros - XV - The Purge


Teros

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Trains and Fate:

 

So maybe it's Fate that I shouldn't even write this because I lost literally everything as I was trying to post it.

 

I'm going to tell everyone a story that links trains with Fate and faith for me.  A train is when I lost my last shred of faith.  It's pretty difficult to talk about.  Years ago, perhaps 6 or 7ish years back, my ex and I were going to stop living together. School was ending and I had been offered a job. She was going to North Carolina and I was going to stay in Rhode Island.  We were going to try and do a long-distance relationship.  Since we were scared of flying, that wasn't an option. Plus it was costly. Buses would take days to get to NC. The best plan was for me to take some dramamine and for us to buckle down for a long train ride. I would stay with her for a week and then take the train back to RI alone.  It was terrible getting to NC.

 

The night before taking the train back, neither of us could sleep.  Awake for 24 hours; I remember standing and hovering over the toilet seat and thinking I was going to throw up because of the nerves and sadness that I was feeling.  My ex's mom said to me, "Come hell or high water, I'll get you to that train station on time."  She didn't. I think something happened to her car and my mom had to wire money to pay a taxicab to drive to to the train station for about an hour so I wouldn't be late. On the road, the cab driver gets lost twice. TWICE and needs to find a gas station to ask for directions. I'm fuming mad.

 

We get to the train station, now having not slept for 24 hours with my eyes burning, being hungry, and wanting to puke, feeling like I was losing everything.  It's time for the real journey to begin. I felt so utterly alone as I was on that train, as I was sitting smushed against a 400 pound guy with a wifebeater and dank BO choking me in the middle of july and no AC at that point.  A special needs person was wearing a helmet and screaming the whole time in front of the cart.

 

There is a train transfer. I need to sit at the station for a while. Night was falling and I'm so tired but I can't fall asleep. If I sleep, I'll end up stranded wherever the hell I am.  The train arrives and I'm driving all night. I still can't sleep. My eyes are raw. 

 

With the train transfer, the new train I am on is having an electrical issue.  The door automatically opens up and slams shut. It makes a *PFWEEE - CLUNK PFWEEE - CLUNK* noise as it opens and slams.  Throughout the night, this would happen suddenly and randomly.  It is irritating and if I could sleep, it would snap me awake.  At around 2am, I'm in New York and there's only me and a couple people in the back of the cart. I hear someone talking about having a knife and mumbling.  I am so tired at this point, that I don't even care. I'm panicked on the inside, but I'm not getting out of my seat or looking around. I just stare at the flickers of light through the city in the black of night.  *PFWEE - CLUNK*

 

Dawn starts to break. It is about 5am and I'm in the northeast.  I have been tearing up constantly and I've been awake for a full 48+ hours now without even a head nod of dozing off.  My nerves are frayed and I feel black dread throughout me.  At this point I decide to have a little conversation with God.  I close my eyes and think out loud,

 

"I know my girlfriend is in pain. We both are. If you exist, I would like you to do a small favor for me. Please, whatever pain she is feeling - put it on me. I can take it. I don't want her to be miserable or in pain. I can handle it. I don't know if you can transfer emotions but please make her not feel anything bad and instead make mine worse....If you exist, I want a sign to know that you hear me. I need to see something real."

 

*PFWEE - CLUNK PFWEE - CLUNK PFWEE - CLUNK PFWEE - CLUNK*

 

At this point, I didn't revel in joy that this might be a sign. I became furious.  I bore a hole into those opening and slamming doors.  I stared daggers into them. I said with venom in my voice, "This is not a sign. I wanted a thunderstorm or rain, or some sort of rare thing. This door shit has been happening all fucking night. If that's the best you can do for a sign, THEN JUST FUCKING FORGET IT!"

 

*PFWEE....*

 

The doors stopped.  I slumped back into my chair and felt such resentment. "I wanted a real sign." I murmured to myself.  I had been on the fence about religion for years. Since about high school I didn't consider myself any religion. I had my own code. My own thoughts and rules that made logical sense to me.  If there is something bigger than myself, I showed defiance that morning while my eyes burned with not only pain, suffering, and tiredness, but renewed resentment.

 

-

 

Now let's jump to Fenway.  People at Fenway wanted me to show up early, before the race.  The only way that could work is if I took a train by myself.  Those of you that thought it was no big deal to do such a thing now understand my hesitation. Trains, to me, represented that horrible experience. Something I never wanted to deal with again.  It was bad enough that I failed at Amnesbury and thought I let everyone down. Now, I had to try it again in front of supporters.  I had to face the most emotionally difficult experience in my life and also face the most physical experience of my life.  I felt people were looking up to me. I can't be all talk and no action. I have to prove to myself and everyone else that I was going to do this.  On top of the most emotional/physical weekend; I had this burden of the train as a cherry on top of my scared shitless sundae.

 

-

 

Now cut to the past week.  I was originally going to go visit Heidi for a week, but I postponed when I left/came back by about a day. I wanted to spend time with someone I cared about and see a movie.  I don't know how many of you saw in the news about what happened to Amtrak.  A train went 100 mph and derailed - killing a few people and sending 100+ people to the E.R.

 

My friends, I was supposed to be on that train. I postponed it and in the process; never got on that train.

 

I am not a man of faith, but the past year has shown me that I'm a man of Fate.  In my personality profile, I am considered the rarest personality type. INTJ / INTP.  That is the Logician/Architect or also, The Mastermind.  The Mastermind treats the world like a chess board, using thinking about systems and strategy to put things in place. Everything has a place. I tried to control everything as per what I learned to do.  I've always felt like a square peg in a triangle environment - never fitting in. This shouldn't be news to anyone and it's a common theme around here to not be someone that fits in.  What I've realized is that I've been trying to force myself into my environment when that never should have been what happened. I should have changed my environment; not constricted myself.

 

As Fate, maybe this was the sign that I was asking for.  This was the 'real' sign that I demanded on the train years ago.  Also, the derailment was in the Northeast section - which is when I gave up hope.  And the door was an electrical issue that kept something moving - the same as the engine powering up and going too fast; then hitting a turn and derailing and killing people.

 

I've learned that people crash into each other.  We aren't masters of this chaos. All we can control is ourselves and the basic direction we want to go. Nothing else. It was fruitless to try and 'fix' issues that were never going to be fixed.  Fate deems that the cosmos follows an equation, with remainders, multiplying, dividing, adding, and subtracting the 'starstuff' that we all are.  We can't predict the future.  Everything is an ebb and flow. Dominoes falling. The butterfly effect.  All of my choices have led me here, and living with regret for anything I have done would have changed the path. I would not have found certain people, gone certain places. There is no wasted time unless we want to be dogs chasing out tail, defining insanity and doing the same actions but expecting different results.  I also know that even if I choose not to decide, a choice will be made for me- and it might not one that I want to have happen. I'm tired of standing on the fences.  I'm reminded of some words:

 

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice,

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

You can choose from phantoms fears and kindness that can kill.

I will choose a path that's clear,

I will choose free will.

 

 

I can't live with regrets anymore, or let fear of myself dictate my actions.  I will burn my former life and be a phoenix.

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 Since about high school I didn't consider myself any religion. I had my own code. My own thoughts and rules that made logical sense to me.

 

Just as a side note, it wasn't until a couple years ago (at the start of my journey) that I realized that there is a huge difference between Faith and Religion (at least for me). Once I got this straight in my head (cause I have HUGE issues with religion) I came to realize that my belief in a Creator didn't have to fit into somebody elses mold.

 

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Race: Halfling     Class: Rebel

 

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Another great post from you sir.  I am always humbled.  And a RUSH reference, also very solid.  Permanent Waves

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Cathelas the Level 3 Half-Orc

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Just as a side note, it wasn't until a couple years ago (at the start of my journey) that I realized that there is a huge difference between Faith and Religion (at least for me). Once I got this straight in my head (cause I have HUGE issues with religion) I came to realize that my belief in a Creator didn't have to fit into somebody elses mold.

I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest anyone reading these lines to pick up Sir Terry Pratchet's "Small Gods" and read it, even if they are not familiar with The Discworld. Thank you

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I'd like to take this opportunity to suggest anyone reading these lines to pick up Sir Terry Pratchet's "Small Gods" and read it, even if they are not familiar with The Discworld. Thank you

This. For everyone. 

While we are at it, also read The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. Excellent stuff, and well presented. And short to boot! But after Small Gods.

  • Like 3

&Heidi
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

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I can't live with regrets anymore, or let fear of myself dictate my actions.  I will burn my former life and be a phoenix.

I love this, of course.

But, um, let us know that you didn't use an *actual* match or anything, ok?

Please.

and thanks.

:)

  • Like 6

&Heidi
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

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Thanks to Dark Raider for getting me,thinking about this.

“There are things known and things unknown, and in between are the doors...”

― Jim Morrison

Awesome moment to share this, DR and T2.

Perfect.

And might I add

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&Heidi
Amazon of the Way

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Quickie Update:

 

So got off the train and totally passed out with some broken sleep.  The next day I had work.  Came home and pass out some more.  Had work today BUT I got some solid sleep so I'm getting a few things done.  First thing's first: Batch cooking.

 

What I made/am currently making while I type this:

 

-Italian Chicken Quarters

-Aidells Apple Chicken Sausages

-Hearty meatsauce with spaghetti squash

-Tuna fish and tomatoes for quick meal

-Experiment*

 

Experiment*- I bought some ground pork and wasn't sure what to do with it. I only knew I was in the mood to dine on swine this week.  I start frying it up in a bit of olive oil.  I was going to add salt and pepper and consider it 'done' but then I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'll branch out with this. Worst case scenario, I eat a grody meal right now."  Salt, pepper, and Cumin.  This is the first time I ever cooked with cumin so bare with me.  It smells good - like tacos. But I have no clue where to go from there. I figure it's mexican-y so I start shaking liberal amounts of red pepper flakes in the mix along with some garlic.  Taste test. I barely notice it so I double it. No, I triple everything. I'm not measuring anything at this point.  It starts to smell like a fire pit and I nod to myself with approval.  I decide to take some cauliflower and broccoli and cook that up really quick and throw it all together. I stir fried it all together in a spicy mess and it's AWESOME.  My mouth is warm and just a little bit tingly. Apparently I hit the perfect amounts of my random seasonings although I had no idea wtf I was doing.

56475416.jpg

I think I'm going to make this again but I'll pair it with some avocado slices and tomato or some coconut cream+splash of apple cider vinegar to make a whole30 sour cream on the side.  Perhaps this can be the 'base' dish and I'll see what I want to mix in next time as I try and make something worthwhile.

 

Very, very pleased with this.  I totally just ate the entire wok-full of spicy pork medley and had a couple of grapes as a pallet-cleanser.  I understand that this is nothing fancy, but it was a leap forward for me.  I now have a new spice in my limited arsenal.

 

 

And because I searched for the pic above, I found a couple others that I want to post for gits and shiggles:

palpatine.png  Oh, ME.
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Well, sir, you started it now:

91ed48ba2d5bf635ea61e32aa3222733.jpg

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&Heidi
Amazon of the Way

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What I normally do with ground pork is add red pepper flake, a mess of curry powder and a handful of finely diced green onions and make them into burgers (Or meat loaf) I find pork and curry go so well together.
 
In the old days I would serve them with romaine lettuce, mayo, and apple jelly on a soft bun, (freaking amazing) while now since I'm watching my carbs, I usually just eat them on their own with a salad.
 
 
I'm in!
 

star wars istj

 

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Race: Halfling     Class: Rebel

 

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Trial and error, my friend. Experimenting gets you there and it's a good thing you stepped out of your comfort zone to make that dish. Might I suggest adding an "explore new recipes" goal for your next challenge?

3296054642_91196af986.jpg
 
;)
 

--

Recap time!

 

1) I'm eating 95% whole 30 as of the past few days and I plan on starting a new streak.

 

2) A bad blister is mostly healed up which means I can start walking again.

 

3) I'm going to start reading a new book (with aims to finish it before the challenge ends but not guarantee.)

 

4) I'm taking a train to Virginia to live with someone from NF for a little bit.  It's mutually beneficial.  I'll clear my head (Purge) and the person stated they could use my company. Win-Win.

 

5) Is the mystery and something that I can't really go more into for a while.

 

Pool of points this round because #5 could be the bulk or not happen at all; so designating point this challenge would be difficult.

 

1) W30.  Well I sure didn't stick with whole 30 but I've improved dramatically with what I'm eating.  I'd say that on a weekly basis, I'm at about 90% whole 30.  Next challenge I plan on improving a little more.  As long as I keep a gradual upward trend, I'm making progress.

 

2) Got a small blister but it was fine. I healed up enough to do plenty of walking and I feel back on track in terms of exercise. I also messed around with some weight machines again.  Next round I want to reincorporate strength training into my workouts.

 

3) I finished the book!  It's called Empathy Exams. It's about a woman that had a series of reflections and crises about what it means to show empathy for people. She used to be an actress that would pretend to have an illness so doctors in training could diagnose her. She was supposed to mark off how the doctors reacted in treating the diagnosis but also how they empathized.  There's some interesting stories in there about her life and how she connects it all together.  Done and I already started another book. My plan next challenge is to finish the new book.

 

4) Well this obviously happened. In fact, half of my entire challenge was spent living with Heidi.  To be honest, I was surprised how we think alike and there were literally a hundred times when one of us would be talking and the other would pick up the topic and excitedly say, "Exactly! I know!"  I'd say that there was a few solid hours every single day when we were talking and sharing small and big stories.  The more I've gotten to know her, the more amazing I think she is.  Everything with us just clicked so easily.

 

5) Mystery Goal - This didn't come to fruition so that means I couldn't get anywhere. This will carry on to the next challenge until it f#cking happens.  I can say this though; when it does happen, EVERYTHING changes.

 

---

 

I thought I was going to suck this challenge but I did surprisingly well. My eating improved. My exercise improved. My reading was finished. I did a hell of a lot of socializing and I feel more centered.  This challenge was very much needed. Considering the disaster of the past 2-3 challenges, I was going into this with very very low hopes here.  I needed a challenge to shake the cobwebs out of my head, dust myself off, and get back to basics.  I already have a loose idea for next challenge and when Mystery Goal happens there is going to be some serious change.  I'm playing Mystery Goal close to the chest. I haven't told any family or friends what this entails but... I'm really scared but also ready to do it.  This goal starts a chain reaction that will create 8+ other huge changes/challenges/goals but the Mystery Goal is the catalyst.  Honestly, getting even 1/3 of what is planned would be enough for a whole challenge.  I'm extremely nervous about moving forward with these plans.  Here's the thing, though - I know deep down that I want to do these things.  Whenever I just zone out and daydream about the change, I feel centered, happy, and just... right when I think about it.  There have been thousands of chances and opportunities that I never took because I was terrified of change. I was always pedaling backwards despite knowing what I wanted.  Being stuck in a mental prison, miserable, hating myself and others, full of resentment and fear - I don't want that anymore.  So although this is Spartan-levels of scary for me, I have to do it.  Again, I know that I'm being vague in all of this but I promise it will all make sense in the end.  I can't not make the most of my life.

 

 

 

[Edit] Oh yeah, derp. Points.  I wasn't going to penalize myself if #5 didn't happen, but I could have done better on the eating front. I'll deduct a point for that.

 

So:

 

Teros - Level 14 - Satyr

STR 50 - DEX 10 - STA 10 - CON 50 - WIS 55 - CHA 20

 

Now challenge + minis:

Teros - Level 15 - Satyr

STR 50 - DEX 12 - STA 12 - CON 60 - WIS 55 - CHA 25

 

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Great job this challenge! Glad you had some time with Heidi. Helps to be around like minded people!

As for your super secret double probation goal, you will get there my friend. We will be there cheering for you all the way when you are ready.

  • Like 6

Level 36 Ranger Sorcerer 

 

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Progress in the right direction counts, and I love the reading goal! I haven't taken much time to read for just the enjoyment of it in so long it's hard to get back into the habit, I always feel guilty like I should be doing something else...I used to read a novel size book a day...I miss that...

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RES...and I want to live days worth dying for...

Current: RES: Keeps on Moving

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 62

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Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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Good Goddess no wonder we think so much alike!

palpatine.png

 

Introvert(78%)  iNtuitive(50%)  Thinking(25%)  Judging(22%)

 

Couldn't remember what I was from taking this years ago so had to go take it again lol

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RES...and I want to live days worth dying for...

Current: RES: Keeps on Moving

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 62

|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|

|My Character Page | Tracking Spreadsheet |

Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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High-five fellow Yoda.

 

Though I'm also very much Chewbacca and Luke...

 

star_wars_mbti.png

Howdy fellow Yoda!

My younger son is a total Chewie, and we mesh wonderfully (the older one is Princess Leia, and we clash, but love each other).

And vivian? well, she's 4, so she's totally The Force. :)

  • Like 4

&Heidi
Amazon of the Way

Gypsy Druid Paladin

Ranger Year 1: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

Druid Year 2: 8 | 9 | 1011  | 12 | 13 |Year 3: 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |Year 4: 1920 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |Year 5: 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 |Year 6: 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 |Year 7: 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53| 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 |Year 8: 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 |

Local Foods Guru | Financial Freedom Fighter | Minimalism Yoda | Smaug-Slayer
Heidi Chronicles My NF Character Sheet | @theheidifeed | Amazon of Awesome | MySlashdotKarmaIsExcellent

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palpatine.png

 

 

^ Me too! 

 

Great work on the challenge, Teros, and I can't wait to see what this mystery goal is!

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I'm more than adequate. Leave Kanye out of this. 

Profile picture credit : NF's resident super artist - NinjaKitten

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May the Viv be with you.

The Force was usually laying on my legs and wanting to watch videos with me.

 

viv1_zpsuswp1poc.jpg

 

 

 

As for the INTJ and INTP - I score on both so it seems I'm on the cusp of being both simultaneously. Makes sense, I guess.

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