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How do I free time? Like, I had free time yesterday but did shitty laundry instead (while surfing tumblr) and OH WHERE DID THE EVENING GO? And whenever I have gym in the afternoon I'm always too tired to do anything else after. FFS. I HAVE A COSPLAY TO MAKE, DAMNIT!

 

Things aren't going too well with the hobbies, but at least they're going well with the challenge: I haven't missed anything so far! It's only been two days, but let me have this small victory ;P

 

The salad I had yesterday lacked a tomato and dressing. This is because I forgot the tomato and dressing at home. I ended up throwing an apple in there.

 

The salad I had today. It was much better than the one from yesterday, and had yellow peppers, TWO tomatoes, dressing, and half of a perfectly ripe avocado. PERFECTLY. RIPE. YES.

 

Both of these also has lettuce, spinach, dried cranberries, and pumpkin seeds.

 

The only thing pissing me off about the salad dietary change is that, well...my stomach doesn't seem to be agreeing with it. I've also been at it for a week now, and I still don't notice any difference in the way my clothes fit, or what the scale says. In fact, the scale can go fuck itself since the number it displays keeps climbing.

 

Lumosity raindrops is...depressing lol. Maybe if I just keep at it, the math anxiety will go away eventually. It's fucking bullshit, though. When I was a little kid I was stellar at math, and it's only after getting pushed too hard to be better and better at it that perfectionism set in and I was just like "fuck it" at the age of 8. I mean what was the point of trying on my math tests and homework assignments if I was simply going to be told to re-do the questions I got wrong? Math was fun when I was good at it, but then it became a chore and an exercise in feeling really fucking stupid. The part about feeling really fucking stupid also stems from more recent interactions with friends and classmates.

 

Me: "Ugh, I suck at math :("

 

Friend/classmate: "Math is easy! I LOVE math :) I got 96%!"

 

Considering that most of the people I chatted with regularly said such things, I really started to believe that I was retarded. Realistically, though, I'm probably passable at math, at the very least. I did get A's and A+'s in first year calc when I wasn't being overwhelmed by other shit. The ability to not be stupid is probably in me somewhere, buried under a pile of anxiety dirt that other people shoveled onto it. I just need to somehow shovel the anxiety dirt back off?

 

Mindfulness was done both times...poorly. Seriously, as soon as I lie down, ALL THE THOUGHTS flood my mind. Not even negative things, but random things. I don't even think I managed to get 20 seconds of focusing on my own breath yet. I'm not even stressed out, so why can't I relax? Ugh.

 

Oh, and I told one of the management guys at work about the why behind the upcoming surgery and...he was totally cool with it and said that it would not affect my staying on board with the company after the probation period is up. Now the only source of stress in my life is the thesis defense, which doesn't seem as overwhelming anymore.

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How do I free time? Like, I had free time yesterday but did shitty laundry instead That's called being an adult! Sucks I know.

 

Things aren't going too well with the hobbies, but at least they're going well with the challenge: I haven't missed anything so far! It's only been two days, but let me have this small victory ;P  Sounds like a huge victory to me and the hobby stuff will come with time I'm sure.

 

The salad I had today. It was much better than the one from yesterday, and had yellow peppers, TWO tomatoes, dressing, and half of a perfectly ripe avocado. PERFECTLY. RIPE. YES.  That's weird, the salad I had yesterday looked like a A&W teen burger <g>.

 

The only thing pissing me off about the salad dietary change is that, well...my stomach doesn't seem to be agreeing with it. I've also been at it for a week now, and I still don't notice any difference in the way my clothes fit, or what the scale says. In fact, the scale can go fuck itself since the number it displays keeps climbing.  I'm sure it will come kiddo, your body just needs to adjust to this massive change.

 

Me: "Ugh, I suck at math :("

 

Friend/classmate: "Math is easy! I LOVE math :) I got 96%!" I hate these people!

 

I just need to somehow shovel the anxiety dirt back off? It's called self confidence, it's something we all struggle with to a varying degree, I'm sure yours will get a boost after the surgery.

 

Mindfulness was done both times...poorly. Seriously, as soon as I lie down, ALL THE THOUGHTS flood my mind. Not even negative things, but random things. I don't even think I managed to get 20 seconds of focusing on my own breath yet. I'm not even stressed out, so why can't I relax? Ugh.  I find reading for 20 minutes before bed helps me mentally shift gears allowing sleep to come easier.

 

Oh, and I told one of the management guys at work about the why behind the upcoming surgery and...he was totally cool with it and said that it would not affect my staying on board with the company after the probation period is up. Now the only source of stress in my life is the thesis defense, which doesn't seem as overwhelming anymore.  That's amazing news!!!!!

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Naxius, those salads look amazing.

And :(  I also had that problem - I was above average at maths until I started to fall behind and then I never caught up. Now I think I've wired my brain wrong for it (honestly, the stupid-ass mistakes I make are incredible), but my mathsy friends are convinced that I'm actually good at maths, I just don't believe in myself enough...

But self-confidence works wonders, so who knows. It's hard, but it's doable.

 

And WOOO! That's awesome news about the probation period! *high fives*

Now you can concentrate on nailing the thesis defense with that source of stress removed :D :D

Seriously, though, so happy for you.

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Today's salad. There is no lettuce in it because we had no lettuce left :| So it was spinach, orange pepper, the other half of yesterday's perfect avocado, broccoli, raw Brussel sprouts, and tomatoes. Pumpkin seeds and dried cranberries to top it off again. The dressing was olive oil + apple cidre vinegar + dijon mustard.

 

One thing I like about the salads is that their quality isn't really temperature-dependent. So when work gets busy and it ends up taking me 1h to eat the whole salad, it's not a big deal ;P (Is this what mindful eating is supposed to be like?)

 

Also, Mr. Stomach was doing less back flips today, so it seems like my body is getting used to the +1 salad dietary change. Seriously, how do people go on detox diets? I made ONE change to my diet and my GI system was screwy for several days o_O Speaking of bodily changes...are my abs showing more? I'm totally going to take a pic in May to compare with a previous pic.

 

 

1. That's called being an adult! Sucks I know.

 

2. The salad I had today. It was much better than the one from yesterday, and had yellow peppers, TWO tomatoes, dressing, and half of a perfectly ripe avocado. PERFECTLY. RIPE. YES.  That's weird, the salad I had yesterday looked like a A&W teen burger <g>.

 

3. I just need to somehow shovel the anxiety dirt back off? It's called self confidence, it's something we all struggle with to a varying degree, I'm sure yours will get a boost after the surgery.

 

4. Mindfulness was done both times...poorly. Seriously, as soon as I lie down, ALL THE THOUGHTS flood my mind. Not even negative things, but random things. I don't even think I managed to get 20 seconds of focusing on my own breath yet. I'm not even stressed out, so why can't I relax? Ugh.  I find reading for 20 minutes before bed helps me mentally shift gears allowing sleep to come easier.

 

 

1. But I don't want to adult. I NEVER SIGNED UP TO ADULT!

 

2. But it had salad in it, right? That probably counts.

 

3. I wonder if confidence in the physical aspect will improve my shitty Raindrops score? Would be nice, anyway. It doesn't seem to be getting better so far, but it's only been like 4 days. I'm also not sure how many games of it I should be playing. I've been playing 3 in a row (and 4 tonight) and...who knows.

 

4. That's what I usually did, but lately I've been too tired to afford the 20 minutes of reading before bed :tongue: It's 10:30ish right now, so I'll probably go to bed shortly after posting this.

 

EDIT: Oh! I just remembered. Yesterday I did the "mindfulness with the cat" meditation, where I'm focusing on the cat walking all over me instead of focusing on my breath. It was more successful...until the claws came out. Still got like 7 mins in though lol

 

I'm not ignoring the rest of your comments btw. They're just being addressed elsewhere in the post X)

 

 

Naxius, those salads look amazing.

And :(  I also had that problem - I was above average at maths until I started to fall behind and then I never caught up. Now I think I've wired my brain wrong for it (honestly, the stupid-ass mistakes I make are incredible), but my mathsy friends are convinced that I'm actually good at maths, I just don't believe in myself enough...

But self-confidence works wonders, so who knows. It's hard, but it's doable.

 

 

Lol, oh, the stupid mistakes I make in the raindrops game. Speed counts, so that's like extra anxiety, and some times when I try to go fast I don't notice important things, like it being 1+2 and not 1x2. The game probably thinks I'm retarded lol.

 

Maybe I'll get enough confidence if I just keep doing it. The bullshit aspect of all this is that when I do physical activities, I don't care if I fail. It's just like "oh well, I'll do better next time I hope. I showed up today so still got a workout in anyway!" In the academic and mental part, though, it's like DOOOOOOOOOOM the moment I make a mistake and then shit just rolls downhill ;\

 

Speaking of workouts: GUESS WHO GOT THE CARDIO RECORD AT THE GYM TODAY \o/ Now, can I maintain it next week?

 

 

Awesome news on work acceptance!

 

Sunflower seeds are also nice on salad.  They look good though :-)

 

Brilliant is another nice site for math problems.  Gears up from very basic, has lots of branches.  It's not in the form of games though.

 

I'll check out the Brilliant site. Maybe I'll do better if there's no speed involved. And...I think we have sunflower seeds in the cupboard!

 

Also, TY to you all for the work-related happy comments!

 

For those of you who saw the note I posted when I cut this message short the first time, to go to the grocery store: my loot consists of a pile of lettuce, a box of herbal tea, and two juice bottles. I was able to get the juice bottles for half price B)

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FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK I FORGOT I HAD TO DO MORE LAUNDRY TONIGHT AND I HAVE NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR LEFT

 

I did not want to adult tonight. And the new washer and dryer are nice and fancy, but they have a timer and it's rather long. Seriously, washer, you do NOT need 57 minutes to clean my underwear. First you eat my socks, and now you're implying that I routinely shit myself? Fuck you.

 

Erhm. I suppose that I'll have time to read in the next 57 minutes? :\

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*sklagles at salad* 

Definitely with you on the "doesn't matter if it takes ages to eat" ... at H&R Block I'm lucky if I get a lunch break, so having something I can duck behind the cabinets and eat in bites is great.

Not so much when I cram a bunch of lettuce and dressing in my mouth and the phone rings immediately :P

 

 

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK I FORGOT I HAD TO DO MORE LAUNDRY TONIGHT AND I HAVE NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR LEFT

 

I did not want to adult tonight. And the new washer and dryer are nice and fancy, but they have a timer and it's rather long. Seriously, washer, you do NOT need 57 minutes to clean my underwear. First you eat my socks, and now you're implying that I routinely shit myself? Fuck you.

 

Erhm. I suppose that I'll have time to read in the next 57 minutes? :\

 

ooo, I know that feel. "Dum de dum waking up, now let's get dressed why do I have no pants."

 

And I feel kind of bad for laughing so hard at that second paragraph...

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Hi Nax!

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*sklagles at salad* 

Definitely with you on the "doesn't matter if it takes ages to eat" ... at H&R Block I'm lucky if I get a lunch break, so having something I can duck behind the cabinets and eat in bites is great.

Not so much when I cram a bunch of lettuce and dressing in my mouth and the phone rings immediately :tongue:

 

It's like the phone knows when you have a mouth full of lettuce :| Even more so when it's lettuce with dressing on it and it's all over your face.

 

 

Hi Nax!

 

 

Hiii

 

Ok, why can't we use animated gifs anymore? I was totally going to post a "HI" gif right here.

 

 

I just feel the need to add my two cent in...

 

I love being an adult! You get control of your own life. You get to call the shots. It is awesome!

 

Laundry can be conquered!!! Or at least you can not let it control you and ruin your mood.

 

To be fair, I'll probably love being an adult at some point too, when the student loans are paid off and I'm actually living by myself with enough $$$ to be comfortable.

 

The laundry is not as large of a hurdle as it was a few months ago, at least. Partly due to the depression being gone (I think?) and having access to a new washer/dryer combo that is MUCH bigger than the one we used to have. I can just toss ALL THE CLOTHES into it together. All black FTW!

 

I get to call most of the shots in my life, thankfully. I just need to put up with a bit of nagging about trivial things ;P

 

 

Oh right, it's Sunday. Time for the Week 1 Report!

 

[table]

Coffee Hydrate Salad Numbers Mindfulness

Monday April 13 1 1 1 1 1

Tuesday April 14 1 1 1 1 1

Wednesday April 15 1 1 1 1 1

Thursday April 16 1 1 1 1 1

Friday April 17 1 1 1 1 1

Saturday April 18 0 1 0 0 0

Sunday April 19 x x x x x

[/table]

 

Still editing this. I have no idea how2table.

 

EDIT: Fuck it. I give up. How does one do tables? I've looked at tutorials and I'm doing the exact same thing and...it still doesn't work? I used to be able to do them in HTML back in the day, but now I can't. It's just like math! Yay!

 

tl;dr version of challenge report: did everything awesome except for Saturday. I didn't blow any goals too terribly on Saturday, though: only had two coffees (and not five), had a small salad (but not a big one), and Raindrops and meditation were...well, okay, totally not done.

 

Speaking of Raindrops/math and meditation: I seem to be getting worse at both the more I try, and it's taking every little scrap of willpower I have to not just quit those goals outright. If I can't improve by Week 6 of the challenge after attempting them consistently, then I don't think they'll improve at all.

 

I also can't do Raindrops when there's other people in the room, because I know for a fact that, as soon as I get one wrong, I'll be told something like 'How the hell did you get that wrong??" and then I'll just break down and run out of the room crying.

 

Maybe I can invent some kind of brain implant that can do calculations for me, or something. And by "invent" I really mean be a CEO and just have other people do the work for me.

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NF does not really seem to table.  Also, gifs work but not if they have anything after the file extension :-P

 

Great progress!  That last salad looks amazing.

 

Okay, so it's not me? That's good I suppose. I noticed that even if I do the most basic of test tables with their BBcode, I still get the [table] tags showing up. Dafuq.

 

OH! OH! I forgot to mention about the salad I had Friday....

 

We had no lettuce left (again) so I just got a prefab salad to mix with whatever vegetables and spinach we did have. The pic was taken before mixing. Let's just say that I had greatly underestimated the amount of salad present in the prefab salad tray, because when I had everything in the bowl, it was heaping over the edge.

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Maybe I can invent some kind of brain implant that can do calculations for me, or something. And by "invent" I really mean be a CEO and just have other people do the work for me.

 

I just use "Siri" for all my calculations! <g>

 

I'm only guessing here, but you might be having issues concentrating (raindrops, etc...) due to the amount on your plate right now. In times like this I feel a bit stifled by my surroundings, so I go to the shore and watch the waves, or go for a walk in the woods, or go to my grandparents cemetery for some quiet reflection.  

 

Disconnecting for a bit without a cell, doing some deep breathing, and relaxing in a quiet setting can really do wonders.

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Seriously, as soon as I lie down, ALL THE THOUGHTS flood my mind. Not even negative things, but random things. I don't even think I managed to get 20 seconds of focusing on my own breath yet. I'm not even stressed out, so why can't I relax? Ugh.

 

Speaking of Raindrops/math and meditation: I seem to be getting worse at both the more I try, and it's taking every little scrap of willpower I have to not just quit those goals outright. If I can't improve by Week 6 of the challenge after attempting them consistently, then I don't think they'll improve at all.

 

This happens to me all the time. That's the thing I have to remind myself with meditation: It's not supposed to be easy, it will suck sometimes (or all the time), and the more you fight to focus, the harder it gets.

 

I have to redefine what I think of as progress and meditate for it's own sake without forming any expectations for each day's practice. For me, it helps to meditate when I first wake up so I won't have as much time to automatically latch onto a particular train of thought. And I have to tell myself that it's okay to lose focus because the point is to notice it so that I can mindfully return to my practice. Sometimes I just have to make peace with the fact that I'm not focusing as well that day and decide to just sit through it or choose another mindfulness exercise to work on that day.

 

tl;dr Meditation is just a fancy term for learning to be patient with ourselves, even when it sucks.

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Your salads sounds awome!:D

Sorry to hear about your the avocado trouble (sometimes I think avocados simply prefer not getting eaten)...

As for meditation (I guess this is just a different take on what Madam_Patella wrote above, but anyways): some zen master once said something in the essence of sometimes the practice quiet, some times it's easy, sometimes the mind is couldy, meaningless, random and messy. It doesn't really matter, just keep the practice.

– totally my intrepetation by the way, and I couldn't find the original source right now.

But the point is that I remind myself of this when my mind goes all "I can't do this, I am meditating wrong, why can't I simply focus, I must be doing something wrong, whycan't I just shut up, give up, stop thingking, now please. this makes no sense, and what do I want for dinner????"

Even zen masters struggle with meditation, but they stick with it. And somehow that is strangly comforting.

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I have been using a Holosync demo (free!) for a few weeks and I really like it. I am not going to buy the whole package but you can get $30 cd for Amazon.

I need to have something to help me focus. I use it each morning and night.

 

https://www.centerpointe.com/v2/demo/no-voiceover/?source=centerpointe_list&medium=autoresponder_email&campaign=streaming_demo&term=mental_clarity&content=message_14

 

 

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I just use "Siri" for all my calculations! <g>

 

I'm only guessing here, but you might be having issues concentrating (raindrops, etc...) due to the amount on your plate right now. In times like this I feel a bit stifled by my surroundings, so I go to the shore and watch the waves, or go for a walk in the woods, or go to my grandparents cemetery for some quiet reflection.  

 

Disconnecting for a bit without a cell, doing some deep breathing, and relaxing in a quiet setting can really do wonders.

 

That's what I don't understand, though. Relatively speaking, I'm less stressed now than I've been in years :| I've had problems concentrating...probably my whole life, but when I took an ADD test the results came back borderline. Eh, I just hope the impending *ahem* changes make things improve significantly, anxiety-wise, when it comes to mental tasks.

 

 

This happens to me all the time. That's the thing I have to remind myself with meditation: It's not supposed to be easy, it will suck sometimes (or all the time), and the more you fight to focus, the harder it gets.

 

I have to redefine what I think of as progress and meditate for it's own sake without forming any expectations for each day's practice. For me, it helps to meditate when I first wake up so I won't have as much time to automatically latch onto a particular train of thought. And I have to tell myself that it's okay to lose focus because the point is to notice it so that I can mindfully return to my practice. Sometimes I just have to make peace with the fact that I'm not focusing as well that day and decide to just sit through it or choose another mindfulness exercise to work on that day.

 

tl;dr Meditation is just a fancy term for learning to be patient with ourselves, even when it sucks.

 

 

Your salads sounds awome! :D

Sorry to hear about your the avocado trouble (sometimes I think avocados simply prefer not getting eaten)...

As for meditation (I guess this is just a different take on what Madam_Patella wrote above, but anyways): some zen master once said something in the essence of sometimes the practice quiet, some times it's easy, sometimes the mind is couldy, meaningless, random and messy. It doesn't really matter, just keep the practice.

– totally my intrepetation by the way, and I couldn't find the original source right now.

But the point is that I remind myself of this when my mind goes all "I can't do this, I am meditating wrong, why can't I simply focus, I must be doing something wrong, whycan't I just shut up, give up, stop thingking, now please. this makes no sense, and what do I want for dinner????"

Even zen masters struggle with meditation, but they stick with it. And somehow that is strangly comforting.

 

Thanks for the reminder (no joke, this was essentially in a book I read about meditation not too long ago). I was just starting to get the blahs because every day has been a day where I don't focus well ;P

 

This "learning to be patient with myself" concept is definitely something I need to do. I can do it perfectly when it comes to physical tasks, but as soon as it's mental, then everything goes to shit :\ Although I was okay while learning tasks at work. I don't even know. It's like, I can function in some scenarios but not in others? Part of why I'm trying to force myself to do Raindrops every day is so that I can stop caring when I do shitty. One thing I DO know is that, when I start to care too much, anxiety levels go through the roof.

 

Anyway, I hope that by sticking with the meditation for 6 weeks, I'll stop caring if I suck at it too. (And when I say "suck" I mean the times where my mind behaves like a monkey on crack.)

 

 

I have been using a Holosync demo (free!) for a few weeks and I really like it. I am not going to buy the whole package but you can get $30 cd for Amazon.

I need to have something to help me focus. I use it each morning and night.

 

https://www.centerpointe.com/v2/demo/no-voiceover/?source=centerpointe_list&medium=autoresponder_email&campaign=streaming_demo&term=mental_clarity&content=message_14

 

Going to check that out riiiight after I submit this post. I don't want to risk opening it now and then my browser freezing XD

 

I haven't posted salads in a few days!

 

Sunday's salad. I forget what went in it, but I'm pretty sure that "everything" is an accurate description.

 

Monday's salad has no picture, because I only remembered that I had to take a picture after I emptied the bowl.

 

Today's salad.

 

I was going to post more stuff but completely forgot what it was going to be. I better go do the meditation now, before I get too tired.

 

More tomorrow!

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Those salads looks delicious!  

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How was meditation yesterday?

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Woops. Forgot to take a pic of yesterday's (Wednesday) salad because work was insanely busy. I did get one for today, though, which I will post later.

 

Today is less busy. Slightly :P

 

Meditation went a bit better last night. Will elaborate on it some more when I get home. I did 8 minutes! Wooo!

 

Also, leaving a note to myself to mention things about the non-graded challenges later as well.

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Your salads look delicious.  What are those golden bracelet/handcuff things?  Those look delicious too.

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Today is less busy. Slightly :tongue:

 

Meditation went a bit better last night. Will elaborate on it some more when I get home. I did 8 minutes! Wooo!

 

 

Glad to see your world is doing well kiddo.

Race: Halfling     Class: Rebel

 

Recruit 1st 2nd 3rd 4th  5th 6th  7th  8th 9th 10th  11th 12th 13th  14th  15th

Current Challenge

Writer's Guild

 

Fictionfirst Used Books (Feel free to like my page!)

 

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