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Bekah's Path to Super Yogi: Getting BEAST STRONG! Take 2!


Bekah

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Damn skippy!

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Thank you :)

  

Hell yea!  Way to stand up and own your awesomeness!  They definitely aren't.

 

Its nice to know that for sure! Of course today I had a total meltdown and forgot it all, but then I remembered how awesome I am again :D

 

You can wash away the bull sugar with the earth day lolablue soap sample I got for you today. Refreshing! XD

:wub: I'm excited :D Do you think you would like this??? I bought it but it aggravates my asthma, soooo if you want it, you can definitely have it :) And now I'm mad bc I paid $24 for it and its online for $11!!! Grrrr!

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Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid  :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

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Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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I talked to my DBS counselor today...the accounting thing fell through bc the guy wasnt serious about having me do it, and was just trying to be nice. But whatever, I told her I needed to get out of here ASAP. He has been out of town yeaterday and today, and all 3 of us were happy he was gone, the kids felt guilty about it, but I was just glad. I slept good last night and have been super emotional, I guess bc I hold all this in all of the time? I dunno. I know I made the choice to come back, but I also see how stupid that was...he hasnt followed through with things he agreed to, he isnt doing anything to change, and all of the other shit is back to where it was before in an emotional sense. The physical stuff is better and he doesnt yell and scream as often, but its still too much for me. So I need to get out for good, and I need a career, and while the Yoga Teaching is my dream job...It's at least a year away. I need money to support myself, today....so I have to do something more traditional in the meantime. We threw around a job in medical records again, bc I loved that routine, no stress, 9-5 and then I go home to crazy. I need a job thats less stressful than my home life...and being a single parent to these kids is DEFINITELY stressful, although in many ways its still better.

So there. Mental Respawn!

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Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid  :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

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Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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I understand a LOT what you mean about seeing nothing change in your partner despite many many conversations and opportunities.  I'm sorry that you are still dealing with that on top of everything else.  Then things are pretty good again and you wonder why you wanted to leave... it sucks.  Medical records job could be good for you.  Have you looked at medical coding before, that you could do at home?  Could you do a customer service taking phone calls?  Not sure what your limitations are.  but there has to be SOMETHING out there for you!

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Just thought

Have you looked at the goodwill stores? They hire disabled people

hmmmm... sent by magic.... or fairies.... or small woodland creatures maybe? how does this thing work?

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Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

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* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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I had a nice long reply typed, and bam! gone. 

Limitations: problems dealing with people face to face for extended periods of time...regardless of if they are strangers or coworkers; lack of transportation and no higher level math skills.

 

Medical Coding--sounds like a great idea, and I hadn't thought about it before, but I dont know what it entails. I will check into that. The only jobs available around here are healthcare related, so this is a good one. 

 

Customer Service/At Home Jobs--both are doable, but getting them is next to impossible (esp. from home) because I dont have anything to show that I am capable of succeeding and there are people with Masters degrees locally doing customer service because there are not many jobs. So I have to have something else to show I can do it, to have a chance of actually getting something from home (at least that's how its gone so far) 

Goodwill--probably a good idea for short term, but I know I can't do it long term, because of sensory issues and dealing with people. (I dont even go into Goodwill to buy things, bc I hate it that much) but it can't hurt to try and maybe they have some office type stuff that isnt in a store? 

All in all, great ideas, you all are amazing :D 

Of course this week, we had another round of scabies that Abby got from somewhere...her school says no one else seems to be infected, and the bus company says they clean the buses every night...and she doesnt go anywhere else, so where the fuck is she getting it from? Soooo I have 3,840,257 loads of laundry to do, and have to rewash everything they use in the next 10 days on a daily basis till after the next treatment....so I am stuck at home doing laundry for what feels like a lifetime!

I went so far as to take the covers off the furniture and spray them and no one is sitting on them for an entire week, and bought bed bug protection level mattress and pillow covers, so hopefully between that and the regular treatments, and wearing gloves to handle clean laundry (yeah I may be going overboard there, but I refuse to do this again in 3 weeks) I am really hoping this is the last of it!! 

 

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Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid  :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

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Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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Hi Bekah!

 

What do you like to do (other than yoga  :peaceful: )? 

 

Do you like being around kids that aren't your own? What about working at a school or daycare? Are you able to work evenings / overnight (I know that can get tricky with kids!). Grocery stores will hire overnight crews that would limit the amount of people you have to be around and are [generally] willing to accommodate disabilities.

 

Not to be a Negative Nancy about medical records / coding, but those work from home jobs are few and far between. Depending on where you live, getting into a non-Clinical role in the medical field is super hard.

 

Have you looked into seeing if you can get scholarships for yoga teacher training?

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*HUGS*  I'm absolutely scraping the bottom of the barrel in looking for income as well.  With a doctorate, customer service and office jobs are out of reach because I'm "overqualified" for everything. 

 

So hope you find a way through this!!!

Some sort of Jedi .....

We are better than we know, if we can be made to see it, [then] for the rest of our lives, we'll be unwilling to settle for less.  

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*HUGS*  I'm absolutely scraping the bottom of the barrel in looking for income as well.  With a doctorate, customer service and office jobs are out of reach because I'm "overqualified" for everything. 

 

So hope you find a way through this!!!

*hugs back!!* Thank you :) I am sorry you are struggling too. I HATE being overqualified. I considered just applying without disclosing my BA just to see if that helped, but I haven't yet. 

 

Where you is beautiful?

I drowned in a 5 gallon bucket of paint over the weekend! BUT WE GOT 90% OF ABBYS ROOM DONE :D :D :D

 

Hi Bekah!

 

What do you like to do (other than yoga  :peaceful: )? 

 

read, eat macaroni and cheese and be left the fuck alone ;) . I am interested in medicine/biology/anatomy (both traditional and alternative forms of medicine) and mental health/psychology (although thats more by necessity than enjoyment, but it used to be a lot more enjoyable than it is now), uhm...diet/fitness/wellness and helping people get that sorted in their own lives. I like working with colors, like drawing/painting etc. 

 

Grocery stores will hire overnight crews that would limit the amount of people you have to be around and are [generally] willing to accommodate disabilities.

 

I attempted this, was told flat out that my vision is too big of a liability to do this kind of work

 

Not to be a Negative Nancy about medical records / coding, but those work from home jobs are few and far between. Depending on where you live, getting into a non-Clinical role in the medical field is super hard.

 

I was fully expecting to do this in an office setting, which if its a records room I can handle (having done it before) but the cubicle farm for coders, not so much. Around here, the only jobs there are at all are in the medical field, because we are inundated with elderly people, so those areas thrive, and service oriented jobs, half the year (during the season of snowbirds) other than that, there is nothing else here on a large scale, everyone else commutes to something better, which I can't do. and I totally appreciate honesty, both positive and negative, so no apologies please :) 

 

Have you looked into seeing if you can get scholarships for yoga teacher training?

This I have not done. I really should

 

What about an internship at a studio? I don't know how it works in yoga, but in personal training you're encouraged to seek out mentors and things like that. Maybe you could negotiate for a paid apprenticeship kind of thing?

I haven't actually tried this, but I have read about trying it, and talked about it with a couple of people, and insurance is a huge issue. I can't teach a class or do private clients or anything else, legally, without insurance. I also don't feel comfortable doing it without proper training in the event that I DO hurt someone else. The most that seems feasible with no formal training is working in a studio part time and being part of the process of the class teaching, and getting a mentor that way, and learning but not actually doing hands on stuff. The problem with that is, there are essentially two studios of a size to even warrant such an arrangement, and only one can I get to. But that one, could be worth looking into. 

 

Then there is the biggest hurdle of them all...my lack of confidence in my ability to sell myself and actually get my message across well and succeed in my role as a yoga teacher. It's why just trying to get the GFM running was such a difficult thing. I don't know how to convince myself I can do it. My body doesn't feel capable, so my mind just laughs at the thought. To the point where I considered refunding everyone who has donated so far, and just giving up. I don't feel like I have the mental or emotional strength to try and fail, not with this. I mean I can fail at a lot of things, and it's just how it is, but failing at this, is like failing at parenting or marriaging or adulting, and I have enough of those big life failures, I don't need to do more, and I don't want this for a good enough reason to potentially destroy the tiny bit of self worth I finally have. 

 

I read something last week that really struck a chord with me. It's in spoilers bc of content and GoT spoilers if you haven't watched the last few episodes. 

This is something I read in an blog post last week, about the GoT episode and its brutality and whatnot, and it really resonated with me in regards to my life, because I really really relate to Sansa Stark, and I don't feel like I was given the deck stacked in favor of beating down all my opponents, and it's even harder when I am like Reek in the sense of being totally systematically programmed to react to life in a certain way, and I don't really know if that is changeable to the degree that it would need to be to overcome some of this shit, I really dont know. 

 

Why didn’t Sansa hulk out? â€œThere’s also the question of Sansa’s agency, which until recently had been increasing by the day. Urged on by Littlefinger (which, ugh — more on him in a second), Sansa willingly agreed to marry Ramsay to avenge her family, only to revert to a more passive stance and ultimately pay a terrible price. It was awesome to see Sansa stand her ground against Myranda, but what a step backward for her to then be raped offscreen as we ‘watched’ through Theon’s eyes.â€

I have to say this argument is the one that personally hurts me the most, because it relies on the ugly and sexist belief that being a victim of sexual assault means you are weak or lack agency. The notion that Sansa is weak or somehow failed herself by getting raped is victim-blaming, flat out. it’s arguable that this whole storyline shows how strong Sansa is, because she went into this with open eyes and a will to survive—and to try to take Winterfell back.

More to the point, this line of argumentation assumes that responsibility for rape belongs to the victim, for not fighting back hard enough. Nope nope and nope. This plot actually laid out how rape is a structural and cultural issue.

Sansa cannot get out of this by running or fighting, because there are guards and an entire society around her that believes she is Ramsay’s property and will return her to him if she runs. The notion that she’s somehow weak or lacking agency because she can’t hulk out and destroy millennia of tradition or even just a couple dozen guards is just wrong. I enjoy a fantasy of a woman whipping ass and taking names as much as anyone else. But this is a different story, a story of a woman showing strength and agency by working within the system. Which is also an interesting story and no less a story of strength and agency.

Sansa Stark is strong. Unlike her brother and father and mother, she has learned to pick her battles and survive. Surviving is a strength. Not everything is about karate kicking your way out of danger.

 

My whole life has been like that, and I think it may have been too much like that for too long, and changing it to be an ass kicking name taker, while it sounds amazing, just isn't going to happen, and trying to force it, just makes me feel worse about myself. Just like they said, I know I am strong, because I survived, but that doesn't mean I can do anything and everything, and believing that just makes me feel more inadequate every single day. I mean honestly, if I could wave a magic wand and make the life I wanted, and money and security and all those real life things, weren't an issue. I wouldn't teach yoga, I wouldn't do ANY of that. I would sit at home and cook and clean and watch some TV and do yoga in my living room and play with my dog and try to be a good mom and be happy with my family.

 

But for me, this is ALL about financial security and physical and emotional security, and needing to survive, and that's the truth for probably every decision I have made in the last 25 years. it's not about wanting to do it or anything else. i love yoga, and would enjoy teaching it if I felt like I would be good at it, but only because I have to have money to live, but if I could NOT do it, and still have money to live and feel good about my future and security in the world, I would choose not to. I dunno, there is a lot more to this than I want to go into here, but living in a world where dreams, and choices and hopes are something you actually have a right to do and an expectation of fulfillment of some of them, is not something I understand. So in essence, I am fighting for something I dont want, because I am afraid that what I do want, will end up with Ramsay Bolton in the end. and that is the ultimate goal, to have some sort of positive existence that isnt filled with fear and stress and anxiety every second of every day...and the only way I know how to do that, is some job that I dont want to pay for some place I dont want to be. I honestly think that J is the way he is, because he is fighting a losing battle too, one in which he is trying to have a normal marriage and a normal life, but he is married to me. How can you take a normal person, marry them to a cross between Reek and Sansa Stark, and expect that to go well? Anyone would struggle to be decent in those circumstances. I am not saying that the problems in my marriage are all my fault, and they certainly aren't all his fault, I just think that maybe my past plays a much larger role in how things have gone, than I have given it credit for. I don't blame myself for any of this anymore, and THAT is a huge step forward, but that doesn't make it any less real. I wasn't given the chance to be like everyone else, and I think now its too late for it to really change on as large of a scale as it would need to for me to have that kind of life. 

So maybe what is mediocre to the average person, is what I need? As long as it is calm, quiet and peaceful, I'm okay with that. Does that make me less of a Hero? Am I less of a nerd rebel now? Do I care?

and if you dont know by now, these are very much me talking myself through what I feel, so that's why they change from beginning to end of how I feel about things, bc my initial "opinion" wasn't fleshed out yet

Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid  :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

Spoiler

 

Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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I once read when biking on trails don't look for the rocks in the way, look for the clear path.

 

Don't look at all the things in the way to trip you up, see the clear path. You are a "mastermind" these issues are small compared to what is within you.

 

:love_heart:

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Well, Bekah, fwiw, feelings are not the same thing as facts. Feelings may dictate how you look at facts, but they aren't the same thing.

 

Fact is, you see yoga differently than most people in the discipline. You see its potential to help disadvantaged populations. You have the skill - other people who are teaching it have pointed out to you that you could do this. The only thing left to do is to learn to teach. That's essentially the purpose of your GFM, to get you in a position where you can learn to teach.

 

Except that there's one other fact you need to consider: getting a cert isn't going to equip you to learn how to teach. Certs don't confer experience or even necessarily expertise. The best thing they can give is legitimacy. Which is necessary and you need it and you should strive after it.

 

But now that you've done what you can to get the help to earn the cert, you need to take up some other way to advance yourself in your journey. Fact: you have selling points that you haven't considered. You're humble about what you know and how that little can still hurt people. You're earnest and willing to learn, as evidenced by the GFM. And honestly, having the guts to ask for the opportunity can go a long way. Lots of people who are in such positions like to help people. They just want to be asked.

 

Now, does that necessarily mean that if you ask the studio to take you on that you'll get it? Nope. Not even a little. But the facts still remain. Sometimes feelings are to be trusted. I do not think this is one of those times.

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I once read when biking on trails don't look for the rocks in the way, look for the clear path.

 

Don't look at all the things in the way to trip you up, see the clear path. You are a "mastermind" these issues are small compared to what is within you.

 

:love_heart:

 

 

Well, Bekah, fwiw, feelings are not the same thing as facts. Feelings may dictate how you look at facts, but they aren't the same thing.

 

Fact is, you see yoga differently than most people in the discipline. You see its potential to help disadvantaged populations. You have the skill - other people who are teaching it have pointed out to you that you could do this. The only thing left to do is to learn to teach. That's essentially the purpose of your GFM, to get you in a position where you can learn to teach.

 

Except that there's one other fact you need to consider: getting a cert isn't going to equip you to learn how to teach. Certs don't confer experience or even necessarily expertise. The best thing they can give is legitimacy. Which is necessary and you need it and you should strive after it.

 

But now that you've done what you can to get the help to earn the cert, you need to take up some other way to advance yourself in your journey. Fact: you have selling points that you haven't considered. You're humble about what you know and how that little can still hurt people. You're earnest and willing to learn, as evidenced by the GFM. And honestly, having the guts to ask for the opportunity can go a long way. Lots of people who are in such positions like to help people. They just want to be asked.

 

Now, does that necessarily mean that if you ask the studio to take you on that you'll get it? Nope. Not even a little. But the facts still remain. Sometimes feelings are to be trusted. I do not think this is one of those times.

Can you two just come live inside my head and say this stuff before I come here and emotionally vomit all over the place?!?! Please? 

I dunno that I can tell the difference between feelings and facts when it comes to my strengths and weaknesses. I just really can't see things I am good (or bad at) objectively. Unless someone says so, or I fail in a very obvious way (like if i was wanting to be a basketball star and had never made a single basket...clearly a bad choice) but anything that is the least bit subjective or maybe I'm okay at but not phenomenal) I have NO clue without direct feedback. and THAT is really the issue. I don't feel confident in my ability to do pretty much anything, (and I don't trust most people saying one way or the other, a whole separate issue) and some shit I have no choice, like parenting and cooking and cleaning, bad or good I have to do it, so I just give it my best shot...but things I choose and can do or not do (like being a yoga teacher) that inability to know for sure I WILL be able to do it, is enough to make me want to give up.

So is this the "push through the fear" time that everyone talks about with dreams and shit? Is THIS the place where I either give up or shit gets good? What if it doesn't get good, what if I'm wrong? Maybe just ignore the "what if's"? and do it anyways? 

Druid Assassin Halfling

:) Druid  :)

Level 16, Current Quest: Bekah Returns

Spoiler

 

Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.

- Jim Rohn

 

 

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One of my favorite thought patterns goes like this

What you FEEL is not what's REAL

Then i usually repeat what God's word says about the thing that in feeling

THAT'S what's REAL

hmmmm... sent by magic.... or fairies.... or small woodland creatures maybe? how does this thing work?

Level 10.4 Wood-Elf, Ranger - specializing in demon fighting

"doing the impossible since 2012 :D" - Librarian of Doom

facebook battle log level 50 WOOT   Backstory CNF2014  current (not challenge - doing a battle log this time)

Spoiler

 

* This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it and be glad. God, The Bible. * Do or do not, there is no try. - Yoda
* There are three options in this life; be good, get good, or give up. -- House * Never take counsel of your fears. Stonewall Jackson. 

* level 50 isn't gonna just POOF happen - alienjenn, NF IRC chatroom

 

* I'm not about to give up - Because I heard you say - There's gonna be brighter days… I won't stop, I'll keep my head up - No, I'm not here to stay ...  - 

 I just might bend but I won't break - As long as I can see your face - When life won't play along - And right keeps going wrong - And I can't seem to find my way - I know where I am found - So I won't let it drag me down - Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway - Mercy Me - Move

 

 

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