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Fearkiller uncurling from huddling the pain


Fearkiller

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***This thread may slip to dark areas, like depression or suicidal thinking, so as a warning, it may shake things.

And though I may sound harsh and judgemental, please remember, it's not towards you at all, but my inner things.

I wouldn't think such things about anyone else <3***

I let things slip even more, to the point it starts to look really hopeless.
Before, if I had did my best, and started crunching things, I would've been able to
pull through the studies. Now, with another major paper not getting done, and two other assignments
being due this week of the challenge, I'm nearly done for.

I feel like I'm drifting in a river, floating gently, towards a waterfall.
Until about a week ago, I tried to swim against the current, trying to finish schoolwork,
at least trying to do something, though feeling worried and anxious.
But now, I'm simply floating. Yes, I need to get the schoolwork that affects someone else's
marks done, and then... I hope I can go.

Not that fixing things is not possible: I could if I wanted to: focus in this moment,
do the assignments, work on my shortcomings and faults, like procrastination, lack of sparks in my life,
all that stuff. I feel it's too little and too late; that I would need so much more than I am now to
do turn this around. I have no mental scars, like abuse or rape or anything major like that,
just feel like a piece of sh*t, and that all that I have failed until now, and which I judge myself
is a big pile of little pieces of gravel, and it all together is too much to bear.

About suicide, so in spoilers:


I have a plan, I don't care about the massive grief to all I know (and that makes me feel horrible).
As I haven't got much tangible things, just too much avoidance of stuff and feeling hopeless, and not having
things I feel good about in my life - you see, I judge myself a lot, and if I went to my therapist,
or other people with things I should be able to handle as an adult, I feel shame. What I am to ask help,
just because I can't handle this basic sh*t?



So, tl;dr My problems feel so big, I feel I don't want or can't solve, so I want to get rid of them.

Now, I don't want to go like this: wasting my time away, nothing much to show after this life, finishing it half-baked..
All the little things, like hugs, and the rare occasions I've made someone's day,
and when I've felt in peace and free, like moments with nature, or time spent with friends, it is encouraging.

Things that have helped in the past:

 

1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts

 

Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 10:46 PM, said:snapback.png

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point.

2) Positive, beautiful, grateful things in my life (3 daily)

 

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/24603-pvs-the-honorable-order-of-rebellious-appraising-yeomen/

 

Like those threads. And from the members, at least Liberator does this, whose gratitude statements are beautiful!

 

Vnv nation, Assemblage 23, Rotersand... I am grateful for great music.

3) Due diligence - Seek out all the deadlines of assignments into one sheet, hang it to a wall, and decide how much I can do,

and arrange the rest

 

 

Do less. But do what you do with complete and hard focus. Then when you’re done be done, and go enjoy the rest of the day.

http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/

 

Things that help

- Leechblock - Firefox addons that blocks sites you want for a certain time. Reduces distraction and procrastination. Aiming to use it daily.

- I have to stop worrying. I don't know yet how, maybe that's another goal.

- Go to sleep at 10 pm, so the next day isn't such a grind.

 

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Following you (but not like a vulture, just to be clear). If I may be so bold as to recommend a book -- The Only Way to Win by Jim Loehr. It talks about the importance of rituals to maintain progress on the truly important things -- and has quite a few gold nuggets on self-care and personal performance. I use it as a text book.

 

Blessings as you move forward!

"Magic?" the old man replied, his raspy voice curling around the pipe like smoke,

"There's no such thing as that; not the way they mean...

There's sight, there's wisdom, and there's motion.

The rest is just...seeing what happens."

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The Zen Habits 1000 cuts sounds like a great way of ensuring that you keep active. How are you going to record it? A big chart with lots of large Xs?

 

Good luck with your challenge

I haven't thought about that, I've just written them on my journal and posted them here.

Some kind of a calendar on a wall with X marks could be motivatin for sure.

 

1000 cuts

13.4 Mon 10 push ups, 2 chin ups, 2 pull ups (rember to practice form!)

14,5 Tue 2x65s plank, 10 push ups

 

Gratitude

- Small wiff of fresh wood when walking past a construction site

 

I hadn't done anything to a schoolproject. I felt ashamed and tired and scared.

Walked to the closed classroom door (late). There was the music from someone else's

presentation. That was too much. I didn't go there, and fled the building.

 

I have a therapy session tomorrow morning. I don't know what I should tell him.

I'm afraid by being honest I get sectioned in suicide watch. Better than dying I guess,

but. I feel my problems aren't logically justifiable. I know I could go on, and if I flunk

school, or be jobless, or whatever really, it's simply not as bad as death,

but I want to give up so much. The thought process is little bit hazy.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Hey Fearkiller,

 

I sorry to hear that not everything in your life is going as you would like at the moment, it sounds like you are at least taking positive steps by addressing these issues (therapy) and your first couple of days of chipping away at the exercise goal seemed to go very well.

 

I hope your week is looking brighter now :)

Wood Elf Ranger - Level 10

 

STR 11.75|DEX 11.5|STA 9.25|CON 11|WIS 11.25|CHA 8.5

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Didn't tell the therapist anything. Should've but... Secrets of the heart.

 

 

“Teccam explains there are two types of secrets. There are secrets of the mouth and secrets of the heart.

Most secrets are secrets of the mouth. Gossip shared and small scandals whispered. There secrets long to be let loose upon the world. A secret of the mouth is like a stone in your boot. At first you’re barely aware of it. Then it grows irritating, then intolerable. Secrets of the mouth grow larger the longer you keep them, swelling until they press against your lips. They fight to be let free.

Secrets of the heart are different. They are private and painful, and we want nothing more than to hide them from the world. They do not swell and press against the mouth. They live in the heart, and the longer they are kept, the heavier they become.

Teccam claims it is better to have a mouthful of poison than a secret of the heart. Any fool will spit out poison, he says, but we hoard these painful treasures. We swallow hard against them every day, forcing them deep inside us. They they sit, growing heavier, festering. Given enough time, they cannot help but crush the heart that holds them.â€

 

-Patrick Rothfuss, Wise Man's Fear

 

And I kept silent. It's not that bad. I still can swim to the shore. I can handle this. Really. No need to worry. I got this.

*The voice inside my head (Demonemon) Ahaha! You just keep telling yourself that.*

 

I got a minor presentation on monday, that's almost done.

A bigger one tuesday, and a test.

Another test wednesday. English test, easy.

After that I can not really breathe, but the schedule loosens a bit.

 

Schoolwork

2+2+2 hours of schoolwork, but not much I can show for it.

I try to do, but the efficiency isn't much.

 

Gratitudes:

- I read a few hours saturday, and that made me remember why and how much I enjoy it.

- I am grateful for documentaries and nature docs. They give a chance to dwelve a lot

deeper into nature and issues, to which we would otherwise have no access.

Dolphins are awesome creatures, and more intelligent and complicated than I thought animals could be.

 

1000 cuts

17.4 Fri 10+8 push ups, 25 leg raises

18.4 Sat 2+3 minutes of streching, 25 leg raises, 20 step ups each leg

19.4 Sun 2 minutes of streching

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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Hello Fearkiller.  Here is an idea for you.  Start taking your worries and writing stories about them actually happening.  When you're done, ask yourself, "Was it really that bad?"

 

http://www.gozen.com/understand-your-childs-anxiety-infographic/

 

It sounds like you have a good plan in place.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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Hi Fearkiller!  I'm sorry your life hasn't been going in a direction that you want.  I've been seeing a therapist for a while about depression and some other issues, so I get at least part of where you're coming from.  The thing that's helped me a lot is making an effort to look at the things in my life without making a judgement call about them.  Like acknowledging that I have exams coming up soon that I'm not fully prepared for, without berating myself for not preparing better.  Or figuring out what I need to get done, but living in the moment and doing whatever I can do.

 

I love that you quoted Patrick Rothfuss.  I can't wait for Doors of Stone to come out.

 

I'm also glad that you feel comfortable talking about things in your challenge thread here.  If you decide you want to talk to your therapist about more things, that would be great.  But getting them out in any form is still fantastic.

 

Good luck with your presentation and paper!!

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I am grateful for 2 other people in the same group working for a assignment

- just that you have someone working with you, makes it that much easier.

Feeling 'I'm not alone with this', yanno?

 

Doing a bit of cleaning -dishes, and cleaning the table. Definitive, physical work

with immediate, tangible results that are helping someone else.That feels good.

 

The test which I didn't read as much I'd have liked - I reckon they didn't go so bad.

At least a passing grade, I feel. And if I have to redo them, it's still not that bad.

 

Aching of sore muscles as a mark of 'I've actually done something with them!'

That's always nice.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

hi :)

You have been adopted per the Druid's mini-challenge.

I'll be following your challenge because depression sucks, I've been there, and you don't have to worry about justifying your feelings.

Good luck

To find piece with myself
I must first find a piece of myself

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hi :)

You have been adopted per the Druid's mini-challenge.

I'll be following your challenge because depression sucks, I've been there, and you don't have to worry about justifying your feelings.

Good luck

*smiling*

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I had 8 hours to do schoolwork: 2 hours to gaming, 45 min to online procrastination,

1h to laundry, and eating and misc stuff. Tomorrow has to be a better day,

as tuesday is the only day I can present the powerpoint in the course anymore.

 

So, note to self: This stuff is kinda important!

- block everything from browser that is not work related

- don't open the computer that has games installed

 

23.4 Wed

1000 cuts

3k extra steps, 6 min of streching

 

Gratitude

- Lots of positive comments from a job well done,

it seems the course assignment really was helpful to them

- And that the above course is finished. Good to get something

out of the schedule.

 

24.4 Fri

1000 cuts

3k extra steps, and 11 minutes of streching

 

Gratitude

- Got 10 extra points towards a grade. I didn't expect those!

- Streching feels good, and I don't have sore feet tomorrow/today

- If the english test passes, I have completed 2 courses already for the semester - yay!

 

25.4 Sat

1000 cuts

[placeholder] Need to do something this evening Nope, didn't.

Rember: to add some sort of reminders

 

Gratitude

- Catching myself (twice!) and putting down a chocolate bar I was about to eat :)

- Even if it just boiling rice and warming up a pre-made store chicken sauce,

cooking is fun, and the food tastes better if I have at least a bit of effort in it.

And I was hungry, so that improves the taste ;)

- I have leftovers for tomorrow

 

It often goes like this: the stress or a perceived major failure kicks a negative spiral going,

I feel suicidal and negative and all kinds of stuff for a 2-4, or it  keeps going  weeks. Then I feel better for a bit,

and it more or less goes back to general "kinda-bullshit, maybe-a-bit-good" state after a while.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Ya, the mood cycles are tough.

Sometimes after I come out of a depression pit I feel a lot better, but I don't acknowledge it because I think "Well, this won't last..."

 

Is there anything that you have found that makes working on school projects easier (music, coffee, working in the morning, spinning around in circles every 10 minutes...) ?

To find piece with myself
I must first find a piece of myself

Link to post

Ya, the mood cycles are tough.

Sometimes after I come out of a depression pit I feel a lot better, but I don't acknowledge it because I think "Well, this won't last..."

 

Is there anything that you have found that makes working on school projects easier (music, coffee, working in the morning, spinning around in circles every 10 minutes...) ?

Yeah. You get to know what it'd be to be happy, and then down it goes. Major bummer.

 

Getting rid of distractions - literally removing games from memory stick and shutting down the computer.

And Leechblock, when I do use it. Then having definitive, worry free breaks, at designated times. Executing that plan is hard not a priority, because there is always tomorrow, and maybe... meh... And then the deadline is right there, and so stress levels go through the roof :(

 

But now I won't be in NF during a few hours, according to my plan ^^

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

It often goes like this: the stress or a perceived major failure kicks a negative spiral going,

I feel suicidal and negative and all kinds of stuff for a 2-4, or it  keeps going  weeks. Then I feel better for a bit,

and it more or less goes back to general "kinda-bullshit, maybe-a-bit-good" state after a while.

Sounds almost too familiar.

 

Looks like you've got a solid plan going. I hope things are working out for you.

  • Like 1

 

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target."

 

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Sounds almost too familiar.

 

Looks like you've got a solid plan going. I hope things are working out for you.

 

Hey, no updates in a bit...

*sends good vibes your way*

 

Thanks for the concern, warms me up a bit. It's not that I am in a bad place currently ^_^

Forgetting to update for a bit. Going to update tomorrow with a longer post.

Not much lessons at school after wednesday. Have to think how I catch up with the schoolwork,

so that I get the most important bits done and don't grind myself to the ground in the process.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

26.4 Sun

1000 cuts

- 20 bad form lunges

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful that I got at least some work done. Not even close to as much as I would've liked, but sitll some.

- I am grateful for Leechblock, as it makes procrastination harder

 

27.4 Mon

1000 cuts

- 2.6k steps, 10 somewhat better lunges each leg, 10 push ups

 

Gratitude

- An assignment got done. Nothing fancy, but it gets the job done.

- I am grateful for a good bed when sleepy, and sleep in general

 

28.4 Tue

1000 cuts

Nothing

 

Gratitude

- In reddit, there are whole subreddits full of kind randon acts of kindness. Heartwarming and inspiring! :love_heart:

http://www.reddit.com/r/kindness

https://www.reddit.com/r/randomactsofkindness

 

29.4 Wed

1000 cuts

2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for 5 days to read to a test, instead of cramming it desperately during the last evening

- I am 21, wiht a healthy body, and I am capable of learning. There's certainly worse future possibilities than I have

- Only one test more, and I have no lessons at school, and can focus on the courses and assignments I have missed

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

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And the rest:

 

30.4 Thu

1000 cuts

60s plank

 

Gratitude

Nothing, it was one day among others

 

1.5 Fri

1000 cuts

65s plank, 10 push ups, 20 step ups each leg

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for inspiring movies and people. Even better that this really happened.

 

Oskar Schindler was a man who during WW2 had a factory, making enamelware, and later shells for german army.

He kept his jewish workers safe, by sweet-talking and bribing the nazis. He claimed the workers were essential

to the war cause, and used all his money (about 4 million german marks) and taking personal risks to save what he himself referred to as 'his children',

even saving the women from Auschwitz at one point. I am doing a poor job about explaining it, but he saved 1200 jewish people from dying.

So many precious lives. Those people have, according to wikipedia, over 8,500 descendants by now. That's amazing and humbling.

He had, admittedly, many flaws as person, but that he still could do something so beautiful.

Maybe humans aren't such a rotten bunch after all?

 

Just some links if you want to dig into it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oskar_Schindler

http://www.oskarschindler.com/

http://www.auschwitz.dk/Schindlerletter.htm

http://www.oskarschindler.com/list.htm

 

2.5 Sat

1000 cuts

5 min of streching

 

Gratitude

- I vacuum cleaned my dad's apartment. That was a little repayment I could do

 

3.5 Sun

1000 cuts

8 min of streching, 25 leg raises

 

Gratitude

- Feeling warm after a sauna ^_^

- Another amazing nature doc about small vermin

- I get my glasses with state funding, which cuts them from 600 €

to just 50 € - they're practically free. And that's good.

 

4.5 Mon

1000 cuts

- 1 chin up, 1 pull up, 9 push ups

 

Gratitude

- None. The day wasn't really anything much.

 

5.5 Tue

1000 cuts

2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

 

Gratitude

- Good books, they open mind always a bit wider.

Right now I am reading a 'Street hooker's diary'. Yup.

But it's not at all what I expected, in a positive way.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

As far as procrastination... can you set soft deadlines?  Meaning that you have a personal deadline to get something done that is before the actually deadline.  The consequences are less dire, but they should still be unpleasant unless it was out of your control.  Then even if you don't meet that soft deadline, you still have to do the assignment. 

 

Would that add more stress?  Downtime is important, and you seem to be rationing it right.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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A possibility...

Prepare a gratitude in advance for the days that you feel have nothing to put down. Then say it out loud (whether you feel it or not) an put it down for the day.

Put on a silly face and keep on keeping on

3eJGt.jpg

  • Like 1

To find piece with myself
I must first find a piece of myself

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Hello Fearkiller.  Please say hello back.

I'm still here. Sorry that I haven't responded. That admittedly raises suspicion that..

Yeah, sorry.

 

It's just that I didn't take care of school things, and of course they don't go away, but pile up.

I can't ask for help, because it's all my fault. I know the teachers would help, I could postpone studies,

it's no big deal. But at the same time the fear and shame make it huge.

 

Have to read to a test. It's at 10 AM. It's a pair-test (ie. answering together to a set of questions)

I am scared that if I screw that up, it's affecting someone else. Handling that responsibility is frightening.

It's going to go okay, I know, but believing that is hard.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Sorry for taking so long to respond, doubly so for after poking you so hard.

 

 

I can't ask for help, because it's all my fault. I know the teachers would help, I could postpone studies,

it's no big deal. But at the same time the fear and shame make it huge.

 

Take it even if you don't deserve it... Cultural differences, but I think a hippie could eat you alive.  I'm being extremely rude right now but.... Stop Being A Wimp.

 

Take any effable charity you can, then pay it back when you're successful.  Haul yourself up by someone else's bootstraps on the promise that you'll be the leverage someone else needs later.  My unreliable memory provides that you were sticking money into library books because you felt you didn't deserve it.... Think longer scale.  Invest it in yourself so you can someday fund a memorial scholarship for a boy who wouldn't have committed suicide if he had received some help.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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