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Fearkiller uncurling from huddling the pain


Fearkiller

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Sorry for yelling at you, I thought you needed it.

It's okay. I appreciate the honesty, even if it startled me.

It's better to say things as they are.

I'm thinking, trying to fit the new thought into my headspace.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

A gap between 6.5 to 8.5 Didn't get anything worth putting here, and I lack notes from that time.

Can't really remember what happened, presumably just the PC and other distraction fodder.

 

9.5 Sat

1000 cuts

10 push ups

 

Gratitude

Nothing

 

10.5 Sun

1000 cuts

4 chin ups, 10 min of streching

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for my amazing mother

- I am grateful for good music - when I find a good song, I can't seem to get enough of it.

Case in point: Lost Frequencies remix of Easton Corbins song Are you with me

 

11.5 Mon

1000 cuts

25 leg raises, 25 leg raises, 10 min streching

 

Gratitude

- I learned a bit about compassion today, as I tried to help a fellow nerd who's struggling

- I am grateful for the fact that a lot of people are brave enough to share their thoughts about suicide

in Reddit and elsewhere. Their personal accounts make me feel a little less alone.

- Also that in those stories about depression and suicide there are some absolutely beautiful stars in darkness.

Sometimes it's the

 

Rest later, got to go

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

12.5 Tue

1000 cuts

4 pull ups, 7 min of streching

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for my experiences with an angel. One night, I was laying in my bed, whirring with the usual thoughts,

all negative, and they just went on and on. Suddenly, I heard  my name said sharply very close to my ear, but there was no one there.

But it jolted me out of that spiral, and I felt suddenly a lot more calm, and at ease, like a lull after a fierce rapid. I can't but think that maybe we do have guardian angels, after all? I appreciate all the work my guardian angel must be doing, if he is there, just to help me along, even if I don't deserve it. Thank him/her for that. :love_heart:

 

13.5 Wed

1000 cuts

None.

 

Gratitude

- At first, none.

- Then I thought, Sleep. I am once again grateful for another mediocre day to end.

- Then again, I ate some vegetables at dinner, and had some vitamin supplements, so that's good.

 

14.5 Thu

1000 cuts & Gratitude

- I did some yardwork, and that felt pretty good afterwards.

- 6.5 minutes of streching

 

15.5 Fri

1000 cuts

10.5 minutes of streching

 

Gratitude

- After forgetting them for months, I found Brene Brown's audiobooks I had bought a long time ago.

I am grateful for her work on shame, and vulnerability, empathy and joy. A lot of that, while deep and heavy,

looks like that while the path is not an easy one, there is a way across shame. I could try to summarize her work,

but I think I will let her speak for herself.

 

 

 

There are still some days to recap, that goes over the weekend.

 

But I sent an email to the class-representative teacher, and the thesis instructor, where I asked if I could graduate

next spring. It wasn't a coherent email, it was more like a general cry for help. I just couldn't put these things to an email. Well, it was what it was, waiting for reply.

 

For the addiction, and that I feel shame about it, and in general, if roughly, according to brene,

can't remember the exact quote, but shame is that "there is something deeply, profoundly wrong in me, that I if other people knew, I wouldn't be worthy of love nor belonging". And even before she had finished the sentence in the

audiobook, I thought to myself "Yes." Was a pretty solemn moment.

 

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about a quote from Brene's Men, women and worthiness:

 

 

And moving from shame self-talk "I'm stupid, I'm worthless" to to guilt self-talk "I did something I didn't like, I don't like that behaviour"

can move us away from the detrimental effects of shame, and the long term effects of shame -again, depression, bullying, aggression, violence, suicide, eating disorders, addiction. The relationship between addiction and shame is so inmeshed we don't even know as researchers where one starts and the other begins.

 

There is a wonderful quote by Terry Real, who wrote: "An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs salt water". Can you imagine standing on the edge of an ocean dying of thirst, and thinking 'This is what I need, this will save me' and it's the thing that will kills you?

 

I feel that exactly, the more I flee and hide the things I feel shame for, the more fleeing and hiding they require,

and the worse they become.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Sorry, also hiding...

 

The angel, it is.  Glad you had one.

 

How did the cry for help go?  Did you need to be more direct to get more solid results?

 

Very complicated things, I'm going to be selfish by asking you to hang around for another challenge and vent for my sake.  How do I phrase that as a polite request?  Haven't listened to Brene because of not-ready.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

Sorry, also hiding...

 

The angel, it is.  Glad you had one.

 

How did the cry for help go?  Did you need to be more direct to get more solid results?

 

Very complicated things, I'm going to be selfish by asking you to hang around for another challenge and vent for my sake.  How do I phrase that as a polite request?  Haven't listened to Brene because of not-ready.

 

Yeah, I need to postpone graduation until Spring 2016.

The teachers I emailed answered and said that things can be arranged.

They said it was okay to start the thesis in September,

and that I can finish one course that is late by 30.7. 

Another, more urgent course is due 30.6. I hope I can knock that off in

June.

 

I am supposed to be helping a relative in yardwork, gardening and planting potatoes and whatnot.

And then visit another relative for a week. Not bad in and of itself. But it's 1.5h drive away,

which means I need a good reason to travel back from there.

 

I should meet the teacher on the second week of summer, when I also ought to be there helping.

I don't want to tell my parents that I am not able to deal with studies. I am seriously considering

lying to them, and telling that the meeting with the teacher is a test retake. Short term solutions,

that suck in the long term. Yay...

 

This also means I don't have an internet connection for two to four weeks.

I can, at best, join the next challenge partially. But that'll at least be something.

I doubt I will be wrapping up the stats in this challenge, it probably will fall on the roadside.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

The black parts are for you, the white parts are me telling a similar story. 

 

Big "I had similar problems" moment.... 

 

I thought nothing about driving what g-maps says is more than two hours away to face-time with an academic adviser, but that was Midwest America and I could just mindlessly draft a truck while listening to tapes.  That was also the place where I isolated myself and only went home for good reasons.  One was because I didn't want to buy a new brick of sculpy or pay for the electricity to bake it, the other was because of funerals and that ruined a class.

 

The short of it... yeah, it's hard to go back.

 

About lying to the parents... evil to support that.  It's going to make things easier in the short term in that you don't have to feel guilty about getting their support.  They're parents, that's what they're there for, but later admitting that they weren't there for you because you were hiding things is also part of life.  I think it's a sign of struggling for independence. 

 

More self-story...

 

My mom recently screamed at me when I was visiting.  I was drunk and needed to watch a movie, I opened a damaged video cabinet and made a mess as the door came off and spilled the DVDs.  The reason she was so strident was because it reminded her of dad when he got drunk and how he would rant, and she was waiting for that.  I was drunk because my frustrations lessen and there's very little to hold in.  We yelled at each other about how much we hated his rants and I wish I remember more of it.

 

The going to a relative and doing yardwork thing sounds good, the suck drive thing is maybe not so good.  Believe that you can handle it.  It will make the doing less daunting even though the practical difficulty will remain the same. 

 

Please be here in September if you can.  Please be able to say that things went better than expected.

 

 

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

Gobnait, and others interested,

http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/66898-pick-up-the-pieces-and-keep-walking-fearkiller-14/

here's the next challenge. Quite similar as this.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

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