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Haku's depression battle


Haku

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Week 6 - day 1


 


Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - WIN


Fruit - WIN


Veggies - WIN


Water (min 1.5L) - WIN


Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - FAIL


 


Failed again yesterday with going to sleep, because I was worrying too much about grandpa.


I keep getting these messages about him simply climbing out of bed and doing his own thing,


without asking for help from the nurses there. *sigh* And he constantly thinks he's somewhere


abroad. Usually either Switzerland or France. This stuff really wears me out and I have to


concentrate on school... Well then. >.> Great combination.


If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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Week 6 - day 2


 


Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - WIN


Fruit - FAIL


Veggies - WIN


Water (min 1.5L) - WIN


Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - FAIL


 


Week 6 - day 3


 


Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - WIN


Fruit - FAIL


Veggies - FAIL


Water (min 1.5L) - WIN


Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - WIN


 


Week 6 - day 4


 


Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - WIN


Fruit - FAIL


Veggies - FAIL


Water (min 1.5L) - WIN


Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - WIN


 


Week 6 - day 5


 


Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - WIN


Fruit - WIN


Veggies - FAIL


Water (min 1.5L) - WIN


Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - FAIL


 


 


Things aren't going too well. I mean there is some good news, but also some bad news.


 


Good news:


- Grandpa is recovering and will move to a care home coming Monday, which means he can leave the hospital


- I have an appointment with a psychologist for next week's Friday


 


Bad news:


- I am running out of energy, and have a bad day again today


- I lost a friend who slowly wasn't a friend anymore and he's calling me all kinds of nasty things


 


Mainly having a lack of energy makes it hard to deal with all the things. The last week seems to have been an emotional rollercoaster and I get so tired of that. I don't feel I'm capable of doing stuff anymore and I just want to sleep, just want to rest... Or lose myself in games/films, because thinking about my situation and everything around me is simply too hard, too heavy. *sigh*  I'll survive, I certainly will. I let the lady on the phone know that even though I may have suicidal thoughts, I have no plans. I am reaching out for help because I want to get rid of these thoughts. They're horrible and distracting and I need to get them out of my head. So yah. Anyway, that was my bit of misery again for today.


 


I'm afraid I will have failed this challenge, because I haven't finished my theory project yet and won't be able to do that this weekend and I won't have lost 1 kg and the daily challenges don't seem to go so well. It's kind of wearing me out, all of it, so I'll need to see what the next step is. Probably just going to the psychologist and trying not to fake being happy so she and I will both believe it. 


If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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Week 6 - day 6

 

Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - FAIL

Fruit - WIN

Veggies - WIN

Water (min 1.5L) - WIN

Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - FAIL

 

I had another bad day, unfortunately. Bleh. I'm getting so tired of this shit. Today I washed my hair and did grocery shopping... That's all the useful stuff I did. It took me a long time to gather the energy to do it and when I got it done I was exhausted and wasn't able to do anything else anymore. I've been hanging around, watching videos and I tried playing Ori and the Blind Forest for a bit, but couldn't really concentrate. >.> So not even game playing is working out for me.

 

My dad sent me a text, saying that if I have another bad day tomorrow I should let him know and that if he can do anything to cheer me up I should let him know as well. I thanked him and told him I am very happy with his support, but that on bad days I don't really see anything as interesting and that I'm only tired. The best thing is to just sleep or something, or do nothing. Trying to get rest... But that is so friggin hard, because I always feel I need to do stuff, I always feel I can't sit still. I need to be doing something. I'm also easily distracted. (while typing this stuff, I've already been distracted 3 or 4 times) I can't think clearly anymore and I'm generally having a hard time with being here. *sigh*

 

Aaaaanyway, that's about the update for now. Next week's Friday I'll have a first appointment with a psychologist from PsyQ, so that's a good thing. If I would feel bad and don't want to be in this world anymore, or am making plans to kill myself I have a number to call, also from them, and they'll give me immediate help. But that's only during working hours. Other hours I just have to call the emergency doctors post or something, but I won't, because if that would be the case I'd simply call my dad and he'll be here within an hour. But I don't expect stuff like that to happen. I got used to the thoughts. Yes, I want to get rid of them, because they're nasty, but I'm pretty sure I can survive for another few weeks. Although it is wearing me out, which makes me have bad days more often... This usually means I stay at home and otherwise I sit at school trying to work, but not getting anything done, because I can't concentrate. (hey, where did we hear that before?) 

 

So... I'll try and get myself to go to sleep. It's 1:25 in the morning here. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow, I don't have any plans, really. We'll see. Maybe going for a little bike tour, but maybe I'll just sit and draw or something. I hope I can work on a bit of animation for the guy I'm working for, because I missed one and a half day of work for him and I feel very guilty about that. I know I can't help it, but still I feel very bad about it. 


Well then, sleep tight everyone! <3

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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Sounds rough. I totally understand the distraction thing. I was talking to someone at work about it the other day and he said it's called a grasshopper mind, always jumping from one thing to another, not being able to really focus on anything.

 

It's good that you feel like you can deal with the bad thoughts, though obviously I hope you don't get anymore. Good luck with the appointment. It's good progress and hopefully they can help and provide someone you can talk to about this stuff.

 

Now, go have a good sleep :)

 

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target."

 

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Sounds rough. I totally understand the distraction thing. I was talking to someone at work about it the other day and he said it's called a grasshopper mind, always jumping from one thing to another, not being able to really focus on anything.

 

It's good that you feel like you can deal with the bad thoughts, though obviously I hope you don't get anymore. Good luck with the appointment. It's good progress and hopefully they can help and provide someone you can talk to about this stuff.

 

Now, go have a good sleep :)

I doubt I won't have them anymore this week, because I have them regularly... As in, almost every day I wish I weren't here. But I keep thinking of all the things I still want to achieve and can achieve in my life, which is what keeps me going. Plus the fear of pain. Plus not wanting to disappoint and hurt the people around me. Having a conscience is a good thing. xD

 

And you too, have a good sleep. Hahaha! You should be in bed too, mister. ;) I'll go to bed quickly too now. :3

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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I think is is phenomanal and applaud your ability to recognize and discuss openly the feelings you have while battling your depression.  The fact you are aware and not hiding it tells me you will be VICTORIOUS!  You are a warrior!!!

 

Rage on!!

Thank you so much for your supportive words. And yeah, I guess I am a warrior. At least I wasn't planning on giving up the fight.

 

One of the things I have to learn is not to hide my feelings anymore. I always pretend to be happy, always have a smile on my face, but that can be so deceiving and I know it. I even told the people at PsyQ already that I can deceive myself and therefore also psychologists and that that generally tends to work against me, because everyone will think things go well for me (including myself) and then it all falls apart again. I really need them to know that kind of stuff, because I know myself and things like that WILL happen. But if they're warned in advance, hopefully they can see through it. It's kind of like a safety for myself. And for now, expressing my feelings and moods is a big part of the learning process that I've already started by myself. I need people to know how things go, so the chance of me actually doing something to myself will get smaller. They say people who talk about this usually don't commit suicide, whereas the people who keep it to themselves do it more often. Safekeeping and all of that, sort of like an insurance for myself.

 

Besides, I couldn't give up my life now that I finally have my own motorbike. xD 

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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I deal with suicide a lot in my line of work, and I am always on the look out for potential.  I don't think it is the "talking" about it that prevents it, as much as the "talking" allows for people to be aware of what is going on, and for the person to express themselves openly so when the feelings do surface it is recognized immediately. Either way. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!

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Hell No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Get on that thing...What are you riding?

 

I deal with suicide a lot in my line of work, and I am always on the look out for potential.  I don't think it is the "talking" about it that prevents it, as much as the "talking" allows for people to be aware of what is going on, and for the person to express themselves openly so when the feelings do surface it is recognized immediately. Either way. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!

 

I have a Suzuki SV650N from 2009. Apparently it's not a very common model, because I can barely find stuff about that model from that year online. Most of the information is only up to 2007 or so. >.> But it's a lovely bike. Unfortunately I have a limited licence, so I can only ride up to 35kW, so my little beast is tamed back to 25kW (because there wasn't a 35kW kit), but next year I hope to get my full licence and then I'll take the limits off of my bike and it'll be back to its glorious 52kW. Still not super much, but at least more than twice of what I have now, haha!

 

I have this bike for one and a half month now and I'm already looking into stuntriding, hahaha! But first things first. I need to lose weight, get a better balance and build up a condition and do some strength training. Mainly body weight. Then I can have a look at it again. Plus getting more riding experience simply on the roads... I'd buy a different and much cheaper bike for stunting, because I'm not going to do weird stuff with my current baby. :tongue: Haha! Got a picture of it, by the way.

 

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Hmmm, doesn't sound very nice, if suicide is a thing you deal with on regular basis, but then again... If you can help save people from themselves, I suppose it's a good thing. And yes, it's making other people aware of your situation. I think it works similar to having an accontabilibuddy... You want to do your best for the person that you told about your situation, because you don't want to let them down.. Sort of. Guess it works the same with suicide? At least, that's how it feels to me. Every time I tell someone about these horrible thoughts it's like I can't let them down by actually taking action in that way. All I can do is work hard and fight it and get better, because there are so many people supporting me. It's also nice to see help/support come from unexpected directions. :3 I wasn't aware of how many people cared about me. 

 

And yes, I am a warrior. And war is what that depression (and more) will get! >:]

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If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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I was going to include a pic of mine, but it wants a URL and I only have a copy saved on the drive.   But I have a 2003 650 Vstar.  Nice little cruiser for a first bike.  Runs well, and nice and comfy for longer rides. But I do have to admit....your looks awesome!!

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I was going to include a pic of mine, but it wants a URL and I only have a copy saved on the drive.   But I have a 2003 650 Vstar.  Nice little cruiser for a first bike.  Runs well, and nice and comfy for longer rides. But I do have to admit....your looks awesome!!

Pity you couldn't include a picture, but I googled it and it looks very shiny! I can imagine they're comfi for longer rides. After all, you don't really lean on your arms. And it looks like a fine bike too. I think it's the kind that is great as a first bike, but also great if you have many years of experience, because it's simply a well-running machine. How long do you have it already?

 

Glad you like my bike too. Bikers unite! Hahaha! ;) I really fell in love with mine, but it was a bit too expensive. My mum and her BF decided to help me out there and paid for the remaining amount of money that I couldn't pay, because they wanted to be sure I'd have a good and trustworthy bike for my trips to Denmark. They live in Denmark and I live in the Netherlands (where I grew up) so if I'm visiting them it's either by bike or by plane. 

 

It's be so cool to go motorbike riding with a group of biker NF'ers... But everyone seems to live so far apart. Would be nice, though. :3

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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Week 6 - day 7

 

Wake (7:30 - 9:30) - FAIL

Fruit - WIN

Veggies - WIN

Water (min 1.5L) - WIN

Sleep (9:30 - 12:00) - FAIL

 

So yesterday was the last day of the challenge... Which means all points need to be counted and hopefully I kind of win it a little bit..? O_O I'm anxious for the outcome, because the last 2-3 weeks I really had trouble sticking to my challenge. I had lots of bad days, I struggled with my depression so much and still am. Since last Wednesday I've been feeling horrible. That's (counting today as well) 6 days in a row! *sigh* Can't wait to start therapy.

 

Aaaanyway, I did weigh this morning and I was 94.8kg so that means I lost 0.2kg... Not really what I was hoping for. However, I am happy I weigh this, because during the challenge I got back to 96kg, so technically I lost more than 1kg? No, but not in comparison to the beginning of the challenge. >.> It doesn't count. I'll see if I can count all the points today, if I have some energy left for that after all the other things I have to do here. Priorities and such. Counting points does not have priority over doing grocery shopping and buying myself new chicken and vegetables. 

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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I didn't see a new challenge for you yet....are you sitting out or continuing with this one?

Hey Dantilla, yeah you saw that right. I am sitting this one out, because I can barely do anything. I heavily bruised my rib and I am going on holiday next week, so most of the challenge I'd be without internet in the first place... However, now that I have this badly bruised rib, it's questionable whether I'll still go on that holiday or not. D: But for now I think I just need some rest. I had an appointment with the psychologist 2 weeks ago and coming Tuesday again.. I think I'll be quite busy in the end with going to her and learning about myself. Everything just seems to be a bit to much at the moment, so I'm trying to create a stress-free environment for myself. Having to update a challenge also causes quite a bit of stress for me in my current situation, so that's another reason why I didn't join this time. 

 

But thank you for thinking of me and being so sharp that you noticed it. :) I think it's very sweet and it makes me feel appreciated. I hope everything's going well for you.

If you don't shoot, you'll miss by default.

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