A diagnosis, an old love, a porn star, a new love, and a new perspective

[TwylaFae]

Hi all! So, let me tell you a bit about myself, first. I'm a single mommy living in south Florida. I'm newish to the area and am still getting accustomed to the small town vibes. (Originally from mostly Atlanta.) I live in a small apartment with my  14 year old son, two kitties and a greyhound. It's a busy, happy, home. I work at home as a computer programmer. I mostly like my job. I’m a feminist but, to the disappointment of so many, I rarely eat men or murder babies. (Really, it’s just a casual weekend hobby.) I’m a casual gamer Borderlands, Fable, Wolf Among Us. (If anyone wants to help me advance in Borderlands Pre-Seq, please hit me up. My casual gamer skills are not up to this!) I love all things pink and glittery.

 

A diagnosis

My journey began a few years ago. I received two diagnosises. One for a disease called lipedema. It's a disorder of the adipose tissue. That means the majority of my fat cannot be starved or exercised away. The second diagnosis was for an eating disorder. Because, when you're fat and can't lose weight and can't understand why, things get out of control.

 

An old love

I fell in love for the first time. He was older, a game writer, and a principal. I adored him and he adored me. We were really happy in our blissful geeky bubble. For the first time in my life, I started thinking about the future and including someone other than myself and my son. When he was transferred to another school in a different state, I prepared to move as soon as my son’s school year was complete. But, it was not meant to be.

 

A porn star

During his first week away from me, he set up an OKCupid account. Within two weeks he had met and begun a relationship with a local porn star. He never bothered to call or write or break up with me. He sent me an email after I found everything out saying never to contact him again ‘or bad things would happen.’ It was like he had weaponized my deepest fears against me. The kind, gentle, moral man I had known vanished and was replaced by someone too cruel and cowardly to even break up with me. I was devastated. My eating disorder raged out of control. How could I not compare my ugly body, to the beautiful one he left me for? Obviously, my bedroom skills were lacking. Obviously, my breasts were too small, my ass too big, my hair not long enough. For the first time in my life, I was ashamed of my body. I might not have hated it before, but now, I couldn’t look in the mirror. It was every fear from my childhood my parents had left me with. It abandonment personified. I was ugly, unloveable, and unwanted.

 

A new love

It took time to heal the damage my first love did to me. But, after some time, I decided it was time to try again. I wanted my future to have a companion. I wanted someone to share my life with. So, I began dating. Oh, and I dated it. I found, that while, my body is not attractive to most men, some men can see past chunky thighs. I went on date after date after date. Every night, for weeks, I would have a new first date. Some wanted second dates. But, there were none that I liked enough to consider for a second date. But then, one night sitting with my best friend lamenting that I’d never find anyone he encouraged me to expand my preferred distance. And sitting, just 5 miles outside of where I’d been searching was a man I knew I could fall in love with. So, with fingers crossed I sent my message.

We’ve been together now for a while. We’re matched in so many unexpected ways. And, oh, he loves me. He makes me feel loved, and beautiful. He loves me in a way I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved. And, for the second time in my life, I see a future that includes more than just me and my son. And for the first time, I look at the man sitting next to me and think that maybe soulmates are real after all.

 

A new perspective

I’ve been treated for my eating disorder. And, am doing okay, these days. Some days are worse, but relapse is part of recovery. My lipedema is stage II and I’m mostly pain free as long as I keep my lymphedema under control.  My new love, is tall and skinny. And while, I’ve dated tall and skinny before – they’ve always been tall and skinny by coincidence, not effort. New love keeps himself in shape. He is active and I want to be able to keep up with him. He bikes and swims and ski’s. He loves to hike on trails or challenging beach hikes to inlets and tide pools. I know he wants me by his side as much as I want to be there. I might never be thin, but I sure as hell can step up my game.

 

So, here’s my goals. These are rough and unrefined still. But I’ll break them down in the 6 week challenges.

-Lose as much non-lipedema fat as I can. I have no way of knowing what weight this will be, but I’ll figure that out when I get there.

-Acquire physical skills. Learn to ride a bike and swim.

-Improve overall appearance. Instead of giving in and giving up on my body, I’m going to do the best with what I have.

 

So, there’s me and my story.

TL:DR Got a diagnosis, ex left me for a porn star, new boyfriend is active and I want to keep up. (And looking better wouldn’t hurt, either.)

[Captain Badass]

Welcome!

 

I've not been here long myself, but from what I've seen the people here are great. You've been through the fire and come out knowing and accepting yourself, so you've already won 99% of the battle.

 

Rock on!