BeautifulBeast's Shattered and Fighting

[BeautifulBeast]

Well I'm back.

A bit broken, a bit bruised. But I'm here again, non the less.

Most of you don't know me or my story but I finally left my husband. I'm in my own place, moving on with an amazing man I met about a year ago now. I'm happy but more importantly, I'm safe. Which is more than I can say about me from a year ago.

But my heart is broken. I turned my entire life upside down in the matter of a few months and now I'm just taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm at peace with my choices and life. Tomorrow? Well....you never know just how tomorrow will feel.

I've decided to jump back into these challenges, starting with this one. I'm in a new place, starting a new life but I've started to let my health slide. I've been eating too much convenience food, and despite being a group instructor and teaching WERQ, I've started to let my fitness slide. I haven't had a proper strength workout since last Friday and it's killing me! I miss my heavy things!

Even so my main focus of this challenge is to focus on myself. I have a lot of forgiving to do. And a lot of putting myself back together.

Shattered

A little over a year ago I asked to be shattered. I heard this song- Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling- and it sent a chill through me. As someone who had been trapped in an emotional and occasionally physically abusive marriage for nearly a decade, I was trapped in my own misery, spinning in a world of grey and walking on egg shells. I wanted to just wake up in another life one day. One where I was safe to be myself, and not having to pretend to be the perfect wife my ex demanded me to be.

And here I am.

Shattered, my life completely in ruins between my feet, and fighting.
This is my Fight Song.  It's time to take back my life, find out who I am and own it.

 

I have so many goals this time around. So many things I want to focus on and get better at. I have it narrowed down to threeish!

Main Quest(S)
Goal 1: Start A Career
I guess I could probably have this as a side quest but it's important and I feel like it needs to be a main focus. I currently work 4 part time jobs. I'd like to narrow that down to one that I really like (and teaching WERQ on the side of course!). Preferably something I enjoy and that has benefits but mostly something that I can have steady hours and get myself and children above the poverty level and out of debt. I want to own a home before I turn 35. I have a long way to go with this one, since I don't even know what career to pursue!
 

Steps I will take
to start I need to do my research. One of the gyms I currently work for is pretty fantastic, I would like to move up there and make that my home for work for life. I need to decided if this is an option for me. 

I will update this one as I go along with more steps and my progress. My goal for this 6 weeks is to have a full out 10 year plan, like the list nerd that I am. But for now, one step at a time!
Also with this I want to sit down and write out an actual budget with L so we know what we have to spend each month and so we can potentially put money aside to take the kids on a mini vacation this fall!


Goal 2: Forgive myself & be happy (and be a good person!)

Motivation: The world is a dark enough place and I have spent far too much of my life being a negative Nancy. I've been given a second chance...or rather I fought for a second chance....I'm not going to waste it by being bitter.

Steps I will take to achieve this:

*Meditate daily. Even if just for 5 minutes.
*Journal. Try to Journal 3 times a week.
*Count my blessings. Whenever I feel sad or self pity, I will do my best to remind myself of the love and blessings I have in my life, because I have so much to be grateful for. Even when things straight up suck.
*Donate my time. This is a maybe, as right now I'm pretty well scheduled from 6am-8pm every. single. day. But, there is an amazing program at a local college that helps train you to be able to help victims of domestic abuse. I want to get to a point where I can participate in that program and help others who have it so much worse than I ever did.
*Drink less. I am going to go completely dry for the challenge. Just no drinking at all for 6 weeks. After nightly drinking, I think it's needed. There are too many times when I NEED a drink, not just want one. I don't get shit faced every night, but I'm usually pretty drunk by 9pm. This needs to stop.

Side Goals

Goal 1: Fitness
Train for fall. This fall I want to not only run a half marathon again but also compete in the fall festivus cross fit games. The half I want to do because running keeps me sane, and I've never been as proud of myself as I was crossing the finish line and then discovering I beat my PR. I want that feeling again. The Crossfit stuff I want to do because it's scary to me. I'm not a huge fan of crossfit, I think that a lot of times it's poorly programed and borderline dangerous, but it's also something I suck at am not familiar with because of my limited experience with powerlifts. So I want to compete to keep myself accountable, to feed my competitive nature and to prove to myself that I can do it.
Steps I will take:
 

*Keep up with the runstreak. I made it to like 27 days before we moved and I stopped because I was sore and exhausted. I took two days off and am back at it with day 4. After another week or two of easy, short runs I'm going to ramp it back up and start training.
*Sign up for Festivus games when I can
*design workout schedule OR sign up for the PITT at work-preferable, but scary option!
*Compete in the couples competition in two weeks!- also scary and I plan to not be too hard on myself if we fail miserably since this has been the most stressful six months of my life!

That's it! I plan to track all this through spreadsheets and keeping posted on here when I can.

Here's to a healthier me 6 weeks from now!


 

[BeautifulBeast]

Quick update since I'm on a computer but have only 10 minutes left of work to do so. Spent most of work preparing for my two WERQ classes I have today >.<

Anywho.... (note to self, un double space the main post and scold phone for being such a Dbag sometimes!)

So despite the stress, all the terrible awful things that have been happening and all that jazz, I'm pretty happy right now. I had breakfast with my (soon to-be) ex this morning and we were agreeable. We even parted with a hug. Because in the end, I do love him and I miss having him in my life sometimes. Even though we've had our issues, he's been my main to-go person for my entire adult life and I have been feeling the loss of him lately. I want he and I to be friends, like really seriously friends. I saw a comic on kimichi cuddles recently where her hubby has fallen for another woman (it's a poly comic fyi) and Kimichi is all 'that's cool, lets just let our relationships evolve and hey, maybe one day we'll just end up being really good friends and you two can be your thing or whatever. And I just....sigh. I want that for us. I want he and I to both have happy endings, and we don't get that with each other. So we'll see.

My goals went well yesterday. Didn't really do much to meditate or anything but I ran, I networked, I didn't drink. All that jazz. So good start. Hopefully I'll get a chance this afternoon to upload my 'before' pictures for this challenge. Which will be really more 'feed my ego' pictures as I am not really looking to change my appearance anymore. I have gotten to the point where, overall, I find myself very attractive and have decided if someone doesn't well, that's their opinion and I just don't have to worry about it.

Alright. Time to sign off and go set up for the kids WERQ demo I'm teaching soon. Wooohooo!!

[Twilight]

Woohoo!!

[BeautifulBeast]

I am exhausted. I haven't had a day off since....I don't even know. Every day is just me running between one of my 4 jobs and kids activities. And then I come 'home' to a place that doesn't feel like home to me yet and try and organize and clean and decorate to make it feel right. In the end I'm just tired. Right down to the core of me. 

I'm scared that even though I work my ass off every freaking day, it's not going to be enough. I miss my cat and my garden. I haven't been eating more than one meal a day and I've lost 5 pounds since we've moved. 

I'm keeping my head up though. I know it will get better, because it has to. Eventually I will find a balance, I will find and settle into a routine in all the chaos. 

I've still been running everyday, this week only a mile a day because of the competition coming up but that's all I have to do to keep the streak going. I've also swam laps a few times. Yesterday I tried out the similar to but legally distinct from CrossFit training class at one of the gyms I work at. It was a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to going again, when I have the $60 to sign up >.< 

I haven't been drinking, although I'd really like to. Yesterday I was tempted. Yesterday was a long day. I have library today so I will have time to sit and journal and I plan to. I plan to wallow in self loathing for a bit but then count those blessings, because I need to. Even though it feels like they are few and far between. 
 

[BeautifulBeast]

And now the fun stuff!!! 

When I weighed myself Monday I was at 162. It's Thursday and I'm down to 160. 

These pictures are from Monday. I wish I could get a good picture of my butt by myself since that's my 'problem area'. It's where I store all my fat! Which doesn't matter anyway, because as I've said before, I'm kind of over the whole vanity issue at this point. Just so many other things to worry about! 



 

[BeautifulBeast]

After her morning training session, the wandering nord looked around her latest hut. She had been there for nearly two weeks, and it felt both foreign and familiar to her. Coming to terms with losing her home, the home she had worked for the last bit of her years to domesticate and farm. The home she raised her children from infancy in. Lost to her, now a pile of ashes and memories. 

Here though, here she was safe. Here she had the potential to be better, to be happy. Something she had long forgotten how to be. 

"It's time" she whispered to her reflection in the mirror. A reflection that was also both foreign and familiar to her. "It's time to accept this place as home. It's time to begin to rebuild my life. It's time to be happy." 

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Okay, last random post of the day. Or at least morning.

On my run, I made the decision to do mini challenges this go around too. Mostly in regards to the apartment, but also myself. I think they will help with my second goal, to forgive myself and to be happy.
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The Nord pulled some of the scavenged remains of her old life from the piles that lay around the main room. Pictures, expertly drawn on flimsy, yellowed papers. Some of the children as babies, some of sayings that reminded her to be happy. To smile again. Others still, sketches drawn by her lovers skilled hands. She started to plan places to install them on the walls of her new abode.

This is the first step, she thought. The first step to making a home. 
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This week (well whats left of it) I'm setting the mini goal of hanging up some of the artwork, pictures and shelves that are scattered around the apartment. I also want to look into getting a giant bulletin board set up to help keep my organized and on track with work and kids schedules! 
 

[BeautifulBeast]

I broke my run streak yesterday. Not that it was that exciting of one, I'd only been at it for 12 days. But my Achilles tendon was asking for the day off and I figured if I couldn't walk right, I shouldn't be running. I need my feet in top shape for WERQ. I think instead of running everyday, I'm just going to make that goal be follow my 1/2 training, which starts next week! I'm also in the process of setting up a schedule for lifting next week. I need to start lifting again, I feel so out of whack and I think a lot of it is I haven't had a set schedule for anything lately. I'm torn on if I want to follow End Of Three fitness again or if I want to do something even more simplified than that. I really like the latest nerd fit blog and the lifting schedule there. I kind of want to steal that for the time being. I don't know. I'm not going to workout before work today anyway, so I don't have to decide right now. I'd really REALLY like to sign up for the PIT but I don't have the $50 to spend to sign up for it. After the initial payment it will be fine but I am struggling enough with money right now anyway. I mean, I just moved out on my own. I have two kids to feed and clothe and get into activities. I don't need to join the fancy part of the gym, just hit up the squat racks. I have free membership to the three biggest and best gyms in the town, I feel like I don't really have any excuse in the matter. Except that the gym is scary. But that's not really an excuse either. 

I still haven't been drinking, although I'd really like to. If I had more than $40 to get me through the next week or so, I probably would have bought some rum. This whole divorce thing has been rough. Really, really rough. But I like being sober. I like waking up and not being groggy and I like having abs, which is something that doesn't happen when I'm bloated from rum and coke. 

I've been better about forgiving myself. I've journaled twice this week and meditated a bit yesterday. This isn't my fault. The way life has gone, it isn't my fault. I understand those words but believing them is much more difficult. I just want to be happy, but I don't want to do that at the expense of other people's happiness. But with hubby, I wasn't happy. It was a bad situation. We were bad for each other. Maybe things will be better for him with another person. Maybe we were just too young and got married for all the wrong reasons. Which, duh, I married him because he asked a million times and I finally figured 'why not, we already have a kid together'. He got married because he wanted a wife. But I'm no longer angry at myself for this, nor am I angry at Hubby. For a while I was mad that I wasn't getting more out of this deal. I felt like I should be taking him to court, getting full custody of the kids and child support, half of everything else and all that. After all he spent 8 years being a dick to me, pushing me around both metaphorically and not. Shouldn't I get something out of the deal? Shouldn't he suffer as I have suffered? No. The answer to that is no. All that will do is upset the kids, put them in the middle of a battle field they don't deserve to be a part of. And as long as two souls in this world are locked in conflict, the whole world is a little more angry. It's not worth it. I am getting what I deserve, a second chance with someone who could very well be 'the one' if I believed in that sort of thing. And hubby is getting what he deserves as well. After all, in the end his American Dream was shattered. He lost his little house wife, and the white picket fence. I feel like hurting him in any other way would just be petty. No. It's time for us to move on, and the only way to do that is to let this thing end as quickly as possible. I am happy now, let it be. 

I spend a lot of time analyzing everything right now. Especially because of L. I know, down to my bones I know, that he and I are the real deal. That we have something most people spend their whole lives searching for and never really find. We really do compliment each other pretty damn perfectly. We don't fight either, which is the most amazing concept to me. I am a difficult person, I know that. The fact that he knows how to handle my moods and it not end in the two of us screaming at each other is.... I don't know. Just crazy to me, I guess. We've been together for almost a year now and have had one real argument, and it was about CrossFit LOL! And it wasn't a drag out screaming match, just us being frustrated. And even that, we spent 10 minutes apart and we both apologized and talked like adults and it was fine. But I'm scared. This divorce has made me more cautious, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either. 

And I lied, I think I want to go for a run after all. I have an hour before I need to be out the door for work, that's plenty of time! 

 

 

[BeautifulBeast]

Today was bad. Just terribly awful bad. Went to work, shattered the screen on my phone. About 30 seconds later my ex was walking around in the hallway outside my (open) door and one of the other people that work where I do, basically the office manager, wished him congrats. He asked what for and she goes "oh...well...a couple of things but for now the job" I'm pretty sure she was also saying congrats on getting divorced. You know, congrats on losing the person you spent almost a decade enforcing your control over and abusing. Congrats on finally managing to drive away the person who walked on egg shells and did everything in her damn power to make you happy every single day of your lives together. But I know that's not what is being said. I know that to everyone else, I've been just cheating on him the last few years. Even though I didn't want the poly ordeal to begin with, that was his doing. And I didn't ever date anyone until L came along. But hey, I'm just one giant slut bag. 

It's good to know we live in a society where you can abuse someone for almost a decade and when that person finally gets the balls to walk away, you can play the victim and succeed. Because obviously the charming, charismatic, silver tonged snake is never anything but a great person. Never. 

And people wonder why women staying in abusive relationships.

There's no outside support. They've been cut off from friends and family, all they have is the abusers relations and if she gets the balls to leave, well he is going to use those charms and manipulative ways to make sure she is the bad guy. People have actually said they don't believe me. Or that "it's not like he was beating you or anything." because I wasn't walking around with two black eyes on a weekly basis I guess I wasn't abused enough to justify my leaving? 

Nope, clearly it's just me wanting to run off and be with the other man, you know....the one I was WITH ANYWAY!!!! 

Now, I'm not saying L didn't have a part in all this, because he did. He helped me realize that I am not crazy. I'm not over dramatic or worthless or just a giant bitch. He helped me see that it is okay to have an opinion, to have feelings and thoughts that are independent of my husband. His support is what gave me the confidence to walk away. But he spent many nights trying to get me to stay, because he didn't want the family to fall apart. He wanted hubby and I to work things out. It's not leaving one for the other, it's one helping to make me strong enough to chase what I deserve. And to come to terms with one fact.

I. Was. Abused. 

My husband was abusive. I don't give a shit if you think he wasn't abusive enough because he only hit me once every couple of months or so. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter what form it comes in. 

So....I may have had a drink today. But I also journaled. So....cancel each other out? I'm also hoping one of my three other jobs will give me more hours, I plan on this month being my last at that place. 

[Twilight]

That really sucks that people aren't seeing what he did to you. I'm sorry. It's not fair. I really hate the misogynistic culture that even people who say "I'm not choosing a side" means that they're actually siding with the abuser, whether they realise it or not.

[BeautifulBeast]

That really sucks that people aren't seeing what he did to you. I'm sorry. It's not fair. I really hate the misogynistic culture that even people who say "I'm not choosing a side" means that they're actually siding with the abuser, whether they realise it or not.

 

I feel like it's not even just that. I feel like people find it hard to believe that someone so charismatic and friendly to everyone else could possibly be abusive to his wife. It's easier to just believe I've been cheating on him this whole time and have left him for someone else. It's also my ex-MIL going around and telling people I've left him for someone I had been seeing on the side and conveniently leaving out all the details in between. Like how he had wanted to be in a poly relationship and he was also seeing someone, usually more than one someones, on the side. But like in all things, it's okay for the man to do it, he's just being a boy. But if the woman does....well now, that's just wrong and she needs to stop being such a slut. >.<

But I have the first step of the divorce papers, I just have to get paid enough this weekend between my three jobs that I get a check from this week, in order to file them next week. I also have asked to pick up more hours at one of my positions in order to be able to afford leaving the two that have me associating with my ex, his family or that town at all. I don't need the drama or the negativity in my life. So it's time to move on. Neither of those jobs have any room for growth, they cost me time in travel and gas money and I think it's just time to say goodbye. 

[Twilight]

Ugh!

Agreed! Onward and upward.

[BeautifulBeast]

In regards to the challenge, which I am apparently sucking at keeping updated....

 

Goal 1: career

As I've mentioned, I am planning on quitting two of my four positions. I've already discussed picking up hours with my boss at one of the other two, and she said that can happen. I plan on using any free time I can muster to finally getting my group training cert, which mostly is a matter of cost right now, and then I'm going to apply at the gym I do child care at as an instructor. I'm also going to look into personal training. It's now or never and while I wasn't comfortable doing it a few years ago, I think I've found the confidence I need to do it now. I know my shit. I can share that knowledge. I know that I belong in a gym, and that's where my career is going to take me. So that's what I will focus on doing!

Goal 2: Forgive and Be happy

I'm still struggling here, but I'm better. Meditating (near) daily and journaling. I've started a gratitude journal and am focusing more on what I have than what I don't. I only had that one drink since this challenge started and the need to drink has shrunk quite a bit. It's more of a random, fast passing itch now.

Side goal: Fitness

I stopped the run streak, at the request of my legs. But I've started half marathon training. I'm 3/4 runs into week 1! I've also started training for the festivus games this fall. I found out that CF had posted the workouts for it and so I've started to formulate a plan around that. I'm scared, but excited. I'm competing in novice so I shouldn't be too far out of my league! Today I did a 'strength endurance' workout since two of the festivus workouts are some form of 'max reps in X amount of time' workouts. I did squats at 65#, strict press at 35# and Deadlifts at 85#. 3 rounds of 1 minute max rep for each move. It was brutal but I'm pretty confident that I can get 50 squats at that weight in the 2 minutes. That's my goal at least! It's going to be interesting, but worth it.

I've also added mobility and stretching into my days, especially post-runs. My legs need some love!

[BeautifulBeast]

Okay, run streak is back on. If I don't commit to waking up and running every day, I apparently don't wake up and am not active. Interesting how me running, even if it's just one mile, leads to being more active overall. That daily, early morning run is so important in my life. Sigh. 

So run streak, happening. Not drinking, not happening (ha!) Went out Friday night, had a few. Went out Saturday night, had a few too many. On top of that I'm pretty sure that I have whatever virus my son had, because I feel like death and have since Thursday night, when I was up puking. I feel slightly better now but....blargh. Part of me wonders if not having my morning warm lemon water has something to do with getting sick. Hrmmmm....maybe there's something to that whole deal. Note to self: don't run out of lemons. 

Alright, off to run I go! Wheeee!! 

[BeautifulBeast]

I'm still trucking slowly along out here. I haven't been running, or really working out. I'm struggling to get into a routine. There's not really any good way to get into a routine at this point, since I work crazy hours and shifts and never have the same time open to workout. And being a creature of habit, this makes my fitness life pretty dang difficult. But I am trying my best! I think my next challenge is going to be 100% focused on getting into a routine of some sort! 

Drinking....yea...I've slipped a bit on this one. I really need to NOT slip with this one!! 

Career....oh boy. I don't even know. If I could teach fitness classes full time I would! I am working on getting my group cert so I can apply for a strength group class that's open at one of the gyms I work at. I also have prospective client for training, if we can ever make our schedules work out for coffee!! 

I haven't really been meditating either, but my soul feels more full. I need a 'tribe'. I need at least a few people that I can call up when I'm having a bad day who will be there for coffee. I have a couple already, and I need to work on making stronger connections with them. I hate that I have to plan and logically think out friendship the way everyone else plans and logically thinks out meals for the week. But it's the way I am! Can't change it, right?! 

[BeautifulBeast]

So a full time, management type position opened up at one of the places I work at. It's perfect for me. Just perfect. I'd get to still do what I'm doing now there, but also get to do all the 'bossy' stuff....idk. I like the idea of being the go-to person for everything....idk. I sent an email to the HR staff about it. I don't know if I'd even be considered since I have no experience in management and I don't have a bachelor's degree, just work experience. I want this position to happen for me. For my family! I could work at ONE PLACE. Just one. Well....two, I wouldn't give up teaching, but that's all of three hours a week. I'd have benefits and a full time grown up job. And I assume I'd be making more than the like $20,000 (if that) I make per year now. But most importantly it's something that I could grow in, I could actually have a career and it blends my two strengths of fitness and childcare together. Idk. I'm getting my hopes up and I shouldn't but maybe the universe will give me this one. Maybe this is what I need. 

So anyway. Fingers crossed for me... and send all the good juju my way! Hopefully this is another step in the right direction on my journey  

[Twilight]

Crossed fingers! Any news?

[CandiRose]

Fingers crossed!! what work do you do?