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"Pick up the pieces and keep walking" [Fearkiller #14]


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"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." -Hiraedd, The Conqueress

 

(Bare bones, to be elaborated later. It's certainly quite blunt as it is now.

But it's written, and I'll work from there.)

 

1) A task a day

 

A distance net-course due 30th of June, and another 30th of July.

Marketing law and Strategic marketing.

Soft deadline aimed at 21st of each month to give some space to maneuver.

 

2) Honorable Order of Rebellious Appraising Yeomen and Gratitude statements

 

Positive, honest self-appraisal. Once a day. --> HOoRAY

Things outside yourself that I am grateful for. Three times a day. In the challenge thread

and cross-posted there rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/

 

3)  ZenHabits1000 cuts

 

1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts

 

Plainly from the previous challenge.

 

Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up,

exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyielding chunk.

Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day.

So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/
is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it.

Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given  time.

So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point.

 

200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point.

 

4) Something from Brene Browns work, a single step towards recognizing shame and the symptoms,

but I dont know how. I will think this a bit more.

 

 

 

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I'm coming along for this one.  Looking forward to it.

  • Like 1

Level 2 Warforged Druid

STR: 2, DEX: 1, STA: 3, CON: 3, WIS: 2, CHA: 3

"If these people tell this story to their children as they sleep; then maybe someday they'll see a hero is just a man who knows he is free."

Good night and joy be to you all ~Jitters The. Clown

Current Challange: New Challenges Ahead!

Battle Log: Clowning around daily

Past Challenges: Leveling Up PvP Jump Rope Boss Continue? System Failure Systems Online Calling Rush Confirm Reset Select World Select Difficulty, Select Character, Repairs, Press Start, First Timer, Jump Rope PVP Challenge

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I'm coming along for this one.  Looking forward to it.

Thank you. :love_heart:

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

08 June

HOoRAY

Nope.

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for vivid imagination.

 

09 June

HOoRAY

Nope.

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for good medication for sore throat and fever, and that the fever is passing.

- I am grateful for the said meds+fever making me feel fluid. Letting my gaze wander

along invisible lines in the ceiling and walls, because it felt... natural. Fun times.

(38.2 Celcius, or 100.7 Fahrenheit.)

- I am grateful for finding several great quotes from two good books lately.

Though translated to Finnish, I don't have the originals yet.

 

10 June

HOoRAY

Nope.

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for Tom Shear for the amazing, thoughtful and soothing music he produces.

(I don't know if I ever could get there, be like that in the song, without taken advantage on,

but it's beautiful. *watching thoughtfully out the window, while listening*)

 

 

11 June

HOoRAY

 

42.1 I could lie. Spin up a tale of misfortune and bad luck as to why I haven't done

the schoolwork. But I won't.

And I did it, told her, in lesser words, why I hadn't done the work. (From the epression thread earlier):

 

I flee things to games and books, as always, and it doesn't help. The schoolthings build up and bring a lot of stress.

And then I play some more. And it doesn't help. I don't want to solve things, I want to get f#cking rid of them.

So I start looking to suicide as a solution. I might be an addict or just fleeing things.

Either way, there's shame and fear and self-judgement.

 

How can I tell the teacher this? It makes no sense. As in it's not acceptable. Everyone else? Fine. Me? Quit that sh*t!

What if I can't say the words right? What if I'm not understood? What if she judges me? I would judge myself, I fear she will too.

She's a good person, I am fairly certain she won't hate me, but I am scared.

 

I think she didn't get it, She did help. it's change that's hard.

too long;didn't read-version:

"They're so small tasks, just take one afternoon and just do it.

Do a schedule, 'this is when you do schoolwork, and then do the other stuff.

You don't really have that much to do, all in all. Completely doable, so ???"

 

Even if it is the truth makes me gag a little. Bitter to choke down.

But all in all, a little though love and a dose of truth made me a lot of good,

And she did break it down gently but firmly, I guess it's a teacher thing :love_heart:

 

*Hmpf, I'm rambling*

 

HOoRay: Not yet.

 

Gratitude:

- I am grateful for that even though I might have RSI Repeated Strain Injury from too much typing,

a score of starting holes in teeth, I probably didn't move enough as a teen, so I have worse bones than they could be,

I am often angry, hateful, and can't balance fun & work worth a damn... Not doing things I ought to, that give something back to,

so life could be sustaining ... I was going to say I am not broken beyond repair,

but I guess I shouldn't make lists like that. Damn damn damn. :(

 

No other 1000 cuts , but 1 pull up and 1 chin up.

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Glad to see you.  Good job on setting a soft deadline before the real deadline, just don't procrastinate because you have time to panic.

 

Read the rest of it, good news is good, mediocre news is okay...

 

 

Gratitude:

- I am grateful for that even though I might have RSI Repeated Strain Injury from too much typing,

a score of starting holes in teeth, I probably didn't move enough as a teen, so I have worse bones than they could be,

I am often angry, hateful, and can't balance fun & work worth a damn... Not doing things I ought to, that give something back to,

so life could be sustaining ... I was going to say I am not broken beyond repair,

but I guess I shouldn't make lists like that. Damn damn damn. :(

 

You are being honest and having a bad day, but try again tomorrow.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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Glad to see you.  Good job on setting a soft deadline before the real deadline, just don't procrastinate because you have time to panic.

 

Read the rest of it, good news is good, mediocre news is okay...

 

 

You are being honest and having a bad day, but try again tomorrow.

Hi! Glad to see you too.

 

Edit: Not going to be posting for 5 days, as I am away visiting my dad.

Hoping to get things rolling, as I have plenty of time there. Also, the schoolwork.

Rember: Track these things, prepare a spreadsheet or something!

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

This kinda reminded me of you...

 

 

http://archive.org/details/HabitPat1954
Goofus and Gallant"-style film on the misadventures of a teenage girl who is a victim of her own bad habits, with a harrowing and patronizing narration. .

 

That harrowing and patronizing narration (some commenter corrected that it should be hectoring) sounds pretty close to what I think the unwanted thoughts inside your head sound like. 

 

I'm not sure if you should waste procrastination time on reading the comments section.  If it is worth procrastination time, I'll send you a text file so it can be bus-stop time instead.

 

edit: I re-watched it and that link has sound drop-offs that the youtube video covers.

 

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

Edit: Not going to be posting for 5 days, as I am away visiting my dad.

Hoping to get things rolling, as I have plenty of time there. Also, the schoolwork.

Rember: Track these things, prepare a spreadsheet or something!

Have fun with your Dad!  Looking forward to your return.  :)

Spoiler

PREVIOUS CHALLENGES

2013: 6/1/13 - 7/24/13 - 9/15/13 - 11/6/13   2014: 1/5/142/19/14 - 4/9/14 - 6/6/14 - 7/24/14 - 9/11/14 - 11/5/14 

2015: 1/2/15 - 2/20/15 - 4/9/15 - 6/2/15 - 9/10/15 - 10/26/15   2016: 1/1/16 - 2/28/16 - 3/28/16 - 6/6/16 - 9/19/16 - 10/26/16 - 11/26/16   

2017: 1/1/17 - 9/17/17   2018: 1/1/18 - 2/5/18 - 8/13/18 - 11/26/18   2019: 1/7/19   2020: 9/13/20

 

Link to post

This kinda reminded me of you...

 

 

That harrowing and patronizing narration (some commenter corrected that it should be hectoring) sounds pretty close to what I think the unwanted thoughts inside your head sound like. 

 

I'm not sure if you should waste procrastination time on reading the comments section.  If it is worth procrastination time, I'll send you a text file so it can be bus-stop time instead.

 

edit: I re-watched it and that link has sound drop-offs that the youtube video covers.

 

Throw in a handful of swearwords, and turn it a couple of notches darker, and yes, that's an accurate

depiction. It's a wonder what one gets used to given time. It's not that my self talk or the narrator isn't right, as such.

I am inferior. But the way it's said, and what the tone feels to imply: that Barbara, or me for that matter, is somehow defective.

As Brene defined shame as "not being good enough", that's the feeling I get from the narrator.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

The narrator is stupid... I'll try to get you some people's hateful remarks that were directed towards that condescending lady and the directors. :D  (I'm scheduling you for Wednesday mid-day Brazil time, but don't hold me to it.)

 

From memory:

One of the stand-out things was that Barbara was expected to just know these things and no one tried to help her.  The narrator knew the prissy girl's habits, which some reviewers labeled as socially compatible OCD or something.  The film-mother just watched, but going into home-life interpretations, the problems weren't obvious or the mother couldn't help because of reasons that the writer ignored.

 

Your problems aren't very visible.  The messy hair isn't seen as an inability to find the brush, but a lack of caring.  "It does no good to sit up and think about how badly the day went."  Which is not the reason for staying up late, but rather whatever unsocial lack of "keeping up with current events and popular culture" that she chooses to indulge in.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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(rest of) 11 June

1000 cuts

3000 steps

 

HOoRAY

Every time I tell something through the fear and shame, which would rather me

tell no one, suffer alone, just shut the hell up!

I am becoming a little bit more who I am.

 

Gratitude

-  I am grateful that I have working feet. The freedom to walk where I want, unassisted,

and without pain, is something I came to think about after I saw a person in a wheelchair.

It's so everyday to be able to walk, but thinking about how wonderful it is...

(Yay, forgot this then! Still something grateful.)

 

12 June

1000 cuts

10 push ups

 

HOoRAY

- As the schoolstress went down, I no longer obsess over suicide nearly as much as in May.

At least today I am cautiously hopeful.

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for clean water when thirsty.

- I am grateful that I got 2 pieces out of 5 done on an assignment that I banged my head on the wall with for 2 days. Sentence structure :rolleyes:

- I am grateful that I have a healthy libido. Enough said.

- I am grateful for printed NF comments, old HOoRAY entries and personal journal pages. I notice it's a different kind of darkness now.

I don't know if I am moving towards or away from light, but I am grateful that I am at least moving somewhere.

 

13 June

1000 cuts

65 s plank

 

HOoRAY

...

 

Gratitude

- Eating too much food and sleeping 3 hours straight :love_heart:

- Unlimited shower time, because the water is part of the rent. Almost scalding water warming up the nape of my neck and spinal cord :love_heart: !

 

14 June

1000 cuts

2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

25 leg raises

 

HOoRAY

I did not beat myself up for a wasted day

 

Gratitude

- Just as I left sauna, I thought "Hrmpf, I have to clean this up!", my little brother came there,

so I didn't have to clean it up after all.

- The scent of moisturizing lotion after my mother left the room

 

15 June

1000 cuts

10 push ups

 

HOoRAY

...

 

Gratitude

- a bit of progress on the harder than usual task

- Not having the usual flurry of worries and chatter in my head feels good for a change.

 

16 Jun

1000 cuts

no

 

HOoRAY

...

 

Gratitude

- Got the harder than usual task done!

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

Going to be away again at least to next sunday.

Should I try to unwind, though it mean more catching up later,

or haul work with me to do when time?

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Jun 17 Wed
1000 cuts
No.

HOoRAY
Another failed list of things I in the end conclude I am.

Gratitude
- I returned several assignments today,
and got some additional work done.

Jun 18 Wed
1000 cuts
- 10 push ups

HOoRAY
No.

Gratitude
Naked flame soothes. As do water and forests. It is so calm to just watch a campfire.
Like meditation, in a way.

Jun 19 Wed
1000 cuts
- 25 leg raises

 

HOoRAY

 

Next is a lot of quotes, so in spoilers

 

 

“His situation, insofar as he was a machine, was complex, tragic, and laughable. But the sacred part of him, his awareness, remained an unwavering band of light.

And this book is being written by a meat machine in cooperation with a machine made of metal and plastic. The plastic, incidentally, is a close relative of the gunk in Sugar Creek. And at the core of the writing meat machine is something sacred, which is an unwavering band of light.

At the core of each person who reads this book is a band of unwavering light.

My doorbell has just rung in my New York apartment. And I know what I will find when I open my front door: an unwavering band of light.â€

 

- Kurt Wonnegut, Breakfast of champions

 

Who we are is always changing
A never-ending course of growth
But deep inside there is a pillar
Deep inside there is a soul

-Assemblage 23, Skin
 
 
[bobby] "Obviously not. Even the literary equivalent of a gyrospaz ought to
know that every last one of us leads a different life."

[Christopher] "Yeah? Maria Cortez leads a different life?"

Maria is Manuel Ramirez's younger sister, twenty-eight like Bobby and
me. She is a beautician, and her husband works as a car mechanic.
They have two children, one cat, and a small tract house with a big
mortgage.

Bobby said, "She doesn't live her life in the beauty shop, doing
someone's hair-or in her house, vacuuming the carpet. She lives her
life between her ears. There's a world inside her skull, and probably
way stranger and more bitchin' than You or I, with our shallow brain
pans, can imagine. Six billion of us walking the planet, six billion
smaller worlds on the bigger one. Shoe salesmen and short-order cooks
who look boring from the outside-some have weirder lives than You. Six
billion stories, every one an epic, full of tragedy and triumph, good
and evil, despair and hope. You and me-we aren't so special, bro."

-Dean Koontz, Fear nothing

 

 

-If you are the meaning of those quotes, what they imply under the words.. ? Am making any good at explaining it, even if through others' words?

I am trying to wrap my head around the concept of soul. I have found several powerful quotes
about what we in the core are, and I am thinking that if I calm down my life a bit, stop to think
a little more. You know, the moment when you're angry, and are about to say something hurtful?
Or the moment between a bad choice and a good one. Or between a lie and the truth, or fear and courage?
I am thinking, more like hoping, that if I can stop and think when it's important,
that I could at those moments get in touch with what I am deep down. If I could think myself and other people as souls

rather than what they look like to be or what they are doing?

It is such a big concept though, and it is just an ideal at the moment. I should stop and think about this more often.

Is it too much compassion, too big a thing to apply to ordinary life?
Rember: Meditation as a goal?

Gratitude
- I am grateful for the chance to unwind, though I am afraid that not taking work
with me to for the 5 days was a mistake, as it leads to more catching up to do later.

Jun 20 Wed
1000 cuts
 -25 leg raises, 65s plank, 5 min of streching

HOoRAY
- I wrote a short story today. It is still in the works,
but the bottom line is that I could enjoy writing even if I
do not ever publish anything. The goal is to have it for the world to read.
Even free, I wouldn't mind. It is quite fun as it is, too.

Gratitude
- A lesson about delaying gratification today
- My hand are getting rest from all the typing,
and they seem to be enjoying it.

Jun 21 Wed
1000 cuts
- 2x10 push ups

HOoRAY
*Sigh* The point is I can see the good outside quite well,
and still think I am good for nothing piece of... It's ingrained quite

Gratitude
- Unexcepted money because it is going to be my birthday soon
- I got 2-5 hours of sleep, and between that or none at all,
it really makes a difference
- I realized that I have access to internet via a library.
I was like "Damn. I knew this. Why haven't I thought of this before?"


 

  • Like 1

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I'd love to read your story once you're done.  I could even do spelling and grammar checks, or even a gentle constructive criticism (which includes praising good elements.)

 

Sounds like you've managed to drag some sand from the wall of the pit and managed to get it under your feet.

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

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Jun 22 Mon

1000 cuts

65s plank

 

HOoRAY

- [Didn't feel proud of these, edited]

 

Gratitude

...

 

Jun 23 Tue

1000 cuts

I pull up, 1 chin up

 

HOoRAY

Yet again I have no good thing to say about myself

 

Gratitude

- I do enjoy the sensual ordinary sensations. The feel of

denim fabric, or the flow of air when breathing deeply.

The flow of water on my skin, or the way sun or wind feels good sometimes.

 

Jun 24 Wed

1000 cuts

...

 

HOoRAY

-  [Didn't feel proud of these, edited]

 

Gratitude

- I met an old childhood friend today. I am grateful for that,

although I no longer know what to speak with him anymore.

 

Jun 25 Thu

1000 cuts

65s plank, 2 pull ups, 2 chin ups

 

HOoRAY

- I brought up a very sensitive topic with a friend today, and did not edit away

the messsage, though I feared it might blow up at my face. But she took it gracefully,

so all is well. :love_heart:

 

Gratitude

- I prayed for the first time in a long time.

- I am grateful for an another good quote lately

 

Jun 26 Fri

1000 cuts

65s plank

 

HOoRAY

- Did write at least something. It is not at all

what it looks like in my mind, but a start.

So, Gobnait, about a week, maximum.

How much I should edit it before I send it to you?

 

Gratitude

-  I got new glasses today

 

Jun 27 Sat

1000 cuts

HOoRAY

 

Gratitude

- I thought why does everything look so sharp and colourful today? Oh, I have new glasses.

- I brought a wonderful new lamp today. When I do live on my own, I will have it as a reminder of angels.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

Hey Fear, about the writing, you be the judge of when it's ready to show to anyone.  Edit it as much as you want.  The raw stream-of-consciousness might have me recommending stuff that you had a gut feeling about anyway.

  • Like 2

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

Jun 28 Sun

1000 cuts

2 points of streching

 

HOoRAY

…

 

Gratitude

  • I am grateful that my dad is going to get a fishing permit.

Maybe he’ll have something to fill his days with.

  • I had a walk outside twice today, it was quite pleasant weather
  • Yet another great quote

 

Jun 29 Mon

1000 cuts

10 lunges each leg, running a few blocks

 

HOoRAY

*sigh*

 

Gratitude

  • The thought of me someday being able to create something beautiful a story, a painting…

makes me feel excited and giddy

 

Jun 30 Tue

1000 cuts

11 minutes of stretching today

 

HOoRAY

I did draw something after a long hiatus. A wooden mind puzzle, and you can actually recognize what it is!

It lead to the thought, that if I can draw, I can improve, right?

 

Gratitude

  • I am very grateful and happy that Hiraedd is back on NF!
  • I am grateful for beautiful people

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

From Heidi's thread in Druids

You are on to something with this gratitude stuff.

:)

 

Gratitude is good for our bodies, minds, and relationships, says Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, and author of Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. In public-speaking engagements he spreads the word that “gratitude has the power to heal, energize and change lives.†

Emmons defines gratitude in two ways. First, gratitude is the affirmation of goodness. Second, it is the acknowledgement of the source of that goodness. There is a difference between a short-term feeling of gratitude — saying “thank you†— and fundamentally orienting your life around it. That entails complexity and depth, Emmons says. A grateful person views the entirety of life as a gift, and that encompasses adversity. The ungrateful person, on the other hand, “looks at life through the ‘lens of scarcity’ — that life is a burden.â€

Gratitude prompts positive behavior. “We’ve studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80,†Emmons says, “and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits.†Here is a sampling: 

Physical
• Stronger immune systems
• Less bothered by aches and pains
• Lower blood pressure
• Exercise more and take better care of health
• Sleep longer and feel more refreshed upon waking

Psychological
• Higher levels of positive emotions
• More alert, alive, and awake
• More joy and pleasure
• More optimism and happiness

Social
• More helpful, generous, and compassionate
• More forgiving
• More outgoing
• Feel less lonely and isolated

Emmons suggests these 10 steps for becoming a more grateful person:

1. Keep a gratitude journal
Establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy.

2. Remember the bad.
To be grateful, it is helpful to remember the hard times you have experienced.

3. Ask yourself three questions.
Utilize the meditation technique known as Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?â€, “What have I given to __?â€, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?â€

4. Learn prayers of gratitude.
In many spiritual traditions, prayers of gratitude are considered to be the most powerful, because through these prayers people recognize the ultimate source of all they are and all they will ever be.

5. Come to your senses.
Through our senses — the ability to touch, see, smell, taste, and hear — we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an incredible miracle it is to be alive. 

6. Use visual reminders.
Because the two primary obstacles to a grateful mindset are forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness, visual reminders can serve as cues to trigger thoughts of gratitude. 

7. Make a vow to practice gratitude.
Research shows that making an oath to perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will be executed. Therefore, write your own gratitude vow, which could be as simple as “I vow to count my blessings each day,†and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it every day.

8. Watch your language.
Grateful people have a particular linguistic style that acknowledges gifts, givers, blessings, blessed, fortune, fortunate, and abundance. 

9. Go through the motions.
If you go through grateful motions (smiling, expressing thanks, and writing letters of gratitude), the emotion of gratitude should be triggered.

10. Think outside the box.
If you want to make the most out of opportunities to “hone your gratitude skills,†you must creatively look for new situations and circumstances in which to feel grateful.

  • Like 2
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Jul 01 Wed

1000 cuts

2 chin ups, 2 pull ups, 5 min streching, 10 000 steps over the target

 

HOoRAY

No.

 

Gratitude

- Found 3 good books in a second hand store for 4 €

- I am grateful for my diverse taste in reading, it broadens horizons

- We took a long walk together with my little brother

- There is something spiritual in pure unalloyed pleasure, like a good

song that kicks really in.

 

Jul 02 Thu

1000 cuts

Nothing.

 

HOoRAY

No use in excuses, this not going good.

Can't post anything because there is nothing to post to HOoRAY

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for not buying a 4 € pancake, I saved that much

 

Jul 03 Fri

1000 cuts

700 steps over target

 

HOoRAY

I didn't write...

 

Gratitude

...anything down

 

Jul 04 Sat

1000 cuts

I've got holes in my notes...

 

HOoRAY

...I see.

 

Gratitude

- A cat snuggled my hand and I petted him/her ? a bit.

 

Jul 05 Sun

1000 cuts

65s plank, 10 push ups, 6 min of streching

 

HOoRAY

What the actual fuck is with this goal?

Am I just so **** that I cannot see anything good in myself?!

*deep breathing* *deep breathing* Okay, carrying on.

 

Gratitude

- Corgeous nature. Sometimes sunlight tenfolds the details in nature,

and the leaves, or grass, or forest looks absolutely wonderful.

- Sleeping 'til 10.35 AM was wonderful. Deep in the countryside it is

absolutely, blessedly silent.

 

Jul 06 Mon

1000 cuts

10 push ups, 65s plank, 10 push ups, 25 leg raises

 

HOoRAY

*blank*

 

Gratitude

- I am grateful for a good book that makes me laugh out loud

- I am grateful for doing well on the 1000 cuts entries

- Good food, thorough nap and a shower :love_heart:

 

Jul 07 Tue

1000 cuts

10 push ups, 25 leg raises, 6 min of streching

 

HOoRAY

...

 

Gratitude

- Streching does feel good! Gleeful tapdance between pleasure and pain

- Washing dishes and carpets - it feels good to have done something useful

- I did not sleep today after dinner, so I will sleep well today at night

 

Jul 08 Wed

1000 cuts

20 step ups each leg, 10 min of streching

 

HOoRAY

- I like to research into some messy topics, like legislation of cannabis, bestiality and rape.

- just to understand. I am trying to test the idea of understanding does not mean condoning.

It as the doc about the gangrape+murder of india that was hard to choke down. It was terrible stuff.

Mostly the loss of future, and all of the sorrow that followed the act. Feeling a bit sorry for the rapists as well

(as much as it is possible  - they had it coming). Still, it was a such a loss of life for everyone involved.

 

Gratitude

- Fixed a technical problem with a lot less work than I thought at first.

- Warmth of sunlight

- Finland is an amazingly safe place to live - for me at least.

- Smiling because of streching

 

Jul 09 Thu

1000 cuts

10 push ups, 10 push ups, 25 leg raises

 

HOoRAY

Did draw something today too. They might be only a beginner squiggles, but they're my squiggles :)

 

Gratitude

- +1 assingments done for the 2nd e-course

- Breathing gently when slightly winded

 

Jul 10 Fri

I can't really remember what I did even the day before yesterday. Like looking into fog.

Side effects of depression listed memory loss, and I was a forgetful person even before,

but What the hell?!. Kinda worried.

 

1000 cuts

 

HOoRAY

 

Gratitude

 

Jul 11 Sat

1000 cuts

2x10 lunges each leg, 10 push ups

 

HOoRAY

Nah. Really nothing much.

 

Gratitude

I found some encouraging things people have said to me in my previous challenges,

and that made me happy. Precious things, they are.

 

I will be possibly away the last week of the challenge too :(

Well, it is what it is. Got really no leverage to slip the visit.

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

I haven't posted because of sore arms. I guess it's the typing strain combined with the hauling of the treetrunks that did it.

The tendons all the way up to the elbow feel different, and hurt sometimes. When I flex my fingers straight, the tendons sometimes feel

shorter someway, and that scares me a lot. Haven't done much. Should visit a doctor, but I'm playing the age old game of

if I lay still, maybe it'll go away on it's own. I will post this despite a bit of hurt, because frankly I am scared. Needed to tell someone.

 

What I read of RSI, it'll take 1-3 or more months of no work at all, and the chain of thought brings tears to my eyes:

What if I can't type or write anymore? And if so, I'm scared I've got no value to give to a business, or other people,

and then also If I can't graduate, unemplyment is a real possibility. If I can't get work,

I can't pull my own weight in the society, y'anno? I have no much skills to offer value to people, even if I finish school.

Even then it's a low-end office fodder. I already owe so much to my parent, raised and fed and the whole 18 years,

I can't never repay it. And if I can't pull my own weight, and have something of value to offer people, what worth do I have?

 

(These kinds of thoughts, the '3 am thoughts' that keep you awake at night, don't make much sense.

Helps to have then out though, to someone else. Thanks.)

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

*lightly smacks Fear upside the head* You're jumping to the worst case scenario.  I'd tell you to knock it off, but you would've if you could.

 

Doctor visits are free over there, right?  He'll probably just have you ice the wrists and take ibuprofen while simply not pushing yourself, maybe have you sleep in a brace.

 

Also, 1-3 months is the worst case scenario?  You're not crippled for life.  You could see about alternate ways to get your paper typed, maybe dictate them over skype.

 

Your anxiety is real and it sounds pretty intense.  Whatever's in charge of throwing fuel on your fire is really getting carried away over what is hopefully just significant enough to make an appointment for safety.

 

Edit: Also, don't use the internet to self-diagnose.  http://www.portsherry.com/comics/you-dont-want-to-know/

  • Like 1

I have conditions that affect my social awareness.  If I am rude, tell me what I could do better.

5'8" & 220 260 pounds | Miles Walked: X

2019: | 1 | 2 | 3 |

Pre 2017: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | * | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |

Link to post

*lightly smacks Fear upside the head* You're jumping to the worst case scenario.  I'd tell you to knock it off, but you would've if you could.

 

Doctor visits are free over there, right?  He'll probably just have you ice the wrists and take ibuprofen while simply not pushing yourself, maybe have you sleep in a brace.

 

Also, 1-3 months is the worst case scenario?  You're not crippled for life.  You could see about alternate ways to get your paper typed, maybe dictate them over skype.

 

Your anxiety is real and it sounds pretty intense.  Whatever's in charge of throwing fuel on your fire is really getting carried away over what is hopefully just significant enough to make an appointment for safety.

 

Edit: Also, don't use the internet to self-diagnose.  http://www.portsherry.com/comics/you-dont-want-to-know/

Down to earth advice.

I am grateful for it.

Eases the tumult.

And the comic. Spot on! :D

"There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged

| STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember

Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |  6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.115.2 |

Milythaels'  HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good.

It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

"Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky

"Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings

"I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit

"If you do strange things, strange things will happen!"

"That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker

 

Link to post

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