Afraid of Being Better

[favouritewaitress]

Hi y'all,

My story starts off with a cliche.

About a week and a half ago, my partner of almost eight years proposed and I accepted.  For the first time in a long time, I felt so happy and excited and hopeful.  Like there were things to look forward to again.  I looked around my house and realized, I need to get my shit together.  Suddenly, I wanted to be better, for the sake of myself, for him, and for our impending marriage.

Let me back up a little.  I've been seriously depressed since at least 2012, if not before.  Around that time I was living with my parents, struggling to finish my degree, working a restaurant job I hated, all while my dad was undergoing treatment for colon cancer.   I witnessed first hand my dad's suffering through harsh treatments and his disease while the rest of my family members grieved.  I did my best to help out my family as a way to cope with my grief, but looking back that was one of the darkest times of my life.  When my dad eventually died I was relieved.  I finally felt that there might be an end to the suffering one day.

When he died I was unemployed and living with my partner.  For five months after that I did little besides lay in bed.  I didn't go outside at all that summer.  Eventually I realized I need to return to life and I went to the doctor to seek antidepressants.  I got some medication and a month later I was hired with two jobs, both outside of the restaurant industry and in the job sector I really wanted to work in.

For about a year now I've been working full-time, still dealing with depression, but managing it through medication and therapy.  I didn't realize what a funk I was still in until we decided to get married, and suddenly it was as if the clouds had parted and I remembered what all there is to life again.  I remembered that I haven't even hit all the good parts of life yet.  And suddenly, I wanted to lose weight.

I am a recovered overeater and undereater: basically fat person former dieter with eating issues.  It has taken me so long to lose the diet mentality and even though I am excited about getting healthy, I am very nervous that if I start dieting and exercising again it will resurrect some of my old issues.  The other piece is that I have failed many, many times to lose weight, and I am now at my highest weight ever.  I am afraid of failing another time.

Right now I'm still in the contemplation stage.  I am interested in a paleo diet because it seems to be efficient for building muscle and losing weight, and also because I am all about cooking at home and using whole foods rather than diet foods.  I am nervous about food restriction.  I think for exercise I want to start with body weight exercising and move on to lifting, because it seems to be most efficient, but I'm nervous about getting started.  Basically I am super weak right now, from years of being basically sedentary, and I have an old knee injury that I'm afraid of aggravating.  I would like to eventually add some cardio, like running or swimming, but I feel like making all of these changes would be a tall order for just getting started.

Writing this down is my baby step for today.  I think it might make sense to take pictures and keep track of my weight and measurements--maybe I can work up the courage to do that later this week.

 

 

[Bird-Fish]

Hey Favourite. This is awesome. I find the first step in getting stuff done is deciding that you really want it, and I feel like that's what you're doing. Lets make that push from contemplation to making it happen.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Welcome to the rebellion and welcome back to the world. It's so awesome all that you've accomplished while fighting depression.  You can lose weight. And as someone who struggles with fear of failure, failing is far better than not trying due to fear of failure.  As someone whose done both, the fear of failing actually feels worse than "failing."

 

If you are anything like me, you want to be able to do everything right the first time or it's not worth trying.  The point of the beginner body weight workout isn't to nail it the first time, it's to get started and move up to the point where you can do the whole thing 3 times.  If you only do two reps of each exercise the first time you try it you have succeeded because you did the best you possibly could. Redefine failure. Failure is not being unable to complete the workout the first time you try it. Failure is not the presence of setbacks, mistakes, or adversity.  Failure is not trying in the first place.  You are awesome. You are not a failure. 

 

You got this.

[Sunandstars]

You can do it! Good job moving forward!

It's going to be a long journey and hard at times but we'll be here for you.

[Scumspawn]

welcome brave lady! I've only been here a couple of days so I'm feeling my way but my history has some similarities to yours so I thought I'd add my moral support and tell you what attracts me to this.

Nerdfitness is not strict paleo. As an ex mostly paleo person I can tell you that paleo forums can be pretty harsh on anyone who looks at white rice or thinks about beans. It led me to some very critical thoughts about myself as a person. The food guidelines on Nerdfitness say they like paleo because it's all about real food and cooking, rice is ok, beans are ok. There are no paleo police as far as I can see.

I like the way you are encouraged to make up a new persona. It is early days but thinking of myself as a game character that needs to win rather than a fat middle aged woman that deserves to be fat and unhealthy is helpful for me so far. I don't go to the gym now - I face the dragon. It makes me feel a whole lot better about it.

I also have a dodgy knee and I went to the osteopath yesterday to make sure I won't hurt it by exercising on it. She was really helpful and I know what not to do now, and what to do to make it stronger. If you can I think going to get it checked is a good idea because at least you will know what's going on with it then.

Do you walk? Could you start exercising by just building up your walking speed very slowly? Do you stretch? There are loads of easy yoga exercises on YouTube, I generally feel better about things if I get outside once a day too. In fact, I'm going to make a cup of tea and sit in the garden with it now.

Best of luck, if I can work out how to follow you I will, you have got this!

[Nightside]

Excellent advice from Scumspawn, just try to level up slowly, its a marathon and not a sprint.

The YouTube thing is good, loads of good stuff, I started my Kettlebell thing looking on there.

[Endor]

About a week and a half ago, my partner of almost eight years proposed and I accepted.

Awesome news! Congratulations, that's so exciting!!

 

As for getting started on your road to a better you, I think you have the right idea, making one or two small changes initially and stick to those for a while. You will gradually build confidence and momentum from achieving wins, no matter how 'small' they seem.  Your best resource will be to join the recruits and go through a challenge, you'll likely meet some new friends who will support and encourage you and hopefully nail a couple of goals at the same time.

 

In your case I would recommend picking one thing initially and improving it. If you happen to be a soda drinker cutting that down initially is often a great goal to start with and something that is easily measured. On the exercise front, I'm a big fan of the Angry Birds Workout which you might like. Body weight exercise is the perfect place to start, whatever program you choose try to get something measurable and progressive, it will keep you accountable and encourage you as you see your progression through the levels.

 

The first step is the hardest, just get started on something right away while you have the desire, you can tweak it up later if you want to change to another plan or whatever, There is no perfect plan so just jump in on something and get going!

 

Down with the Empire and Conventional wisdom! Welcome to the rebellion, we've got your back

[Toshimi]

Welcome!

 

I'd like to echo the sentiments of others in take it slow. know it's not going to be easy, but you can do it. Take it slow! and resist the urge to do all the things at first. Took me 2 challenges to realize that. This challenge has been very different for me. I to have suffered for depression for quite a while. For the last 3 years I have done so without medication.... but realized how bad it had been getting this challenge. My hat's off to you for talking with your doctor and getting help (something i've yet to do in awhile). 

 

If you get a chance to read Women food and god it helped me a lot with my eating habits, and stopping the "dieting" mentality and just thinking about eating better. There are several of her other books I want to read too, but not gotten to yet. 

 

body weight workouts are great, but I would also suggest even starting with walking for 10-30 mins a day. It can help clear your head, and gets some great low impact exersize. 

 

 

Also having quotes and motivational things around the house... it sounds cheesy, but sometimes you just need to see it over and over. I have quotes on the mirrors in my bedroom, bathrooms, on backs of cabinets in the kitchen. 

 

 

 Welcome and look forward to seeing how things go!

[favouritewaitress]

If you are anything like me, you want to be able to do everything right the first time or it's not worth trying.

 

This is EXACTLY how I am.  I finally started with my beginner bodyweight workout today, and let me tell you, it was so hard not to beat myself up for not doing it perfectly.

Thanks for your encouragement.

[favouritewaitress]

You can do it! Good job moving forward!

It's going to be a long journey and hard at times but we'll be here for you.

 

Thank you!

[favouritewaitress]

welcome brave lady! I've only been here a couple of days so I'm feeling my way but my history has some similarities to yours so I thought I'd add my moral support and tell you what attracts me to this.

Nerdfitness is not strict paleo. As an ex mostly paleo person I can tell you that paleo forums can be pretty harsh on anyone who looks at white rice or thinks about beans. It led me to some very critical thoughts about myself as a person. The food guidelines on Nerdfitness say they like paleo because it's all about real food and cooking, rice is ok, beans are ok. There are no paleo police as far as I can see.

I like the way you are encouraged to make up a new persona. It is early days but thinking of myself as a game character that needs to win rather than a fat middle aged woman that deserves to be fat and unhealthy is helpful for me so far. I don't go to the gym now - I face the dragon. It makes me feel a whole lot better about it.

I also have a dodgy knee and I went to the osteopath yesterday to make sure I won't hurt it by exercising on it. She was really helpful and I know what not to do now, and what to do to make it stronger. If you can I think going to get it checked is a good idea because at least you will know what's going on with it then.

Do you walk? Could you start exercising by just building up your walking speed very slowly? Do you stretch? There are loads of easy yoga exercises on YouTube, I generally feel better about things if I get outside once a day too. In fact, I'm going to make a cup of tea and sit in the garden with it now.

Best of luck, if I can work out how to follow you I will, you have got this!

 

Thank you!  Yeah, I don't think I will do a strict paleo, at least for a while.  Right now our household is focusing on cutting down on carbs and basing meals around vegetables and protein.  I feel like anything too strict would cause me to binge or give up.  So I am not even going there for now.

I love yoga and I try to incorporate it into my day, even if it is only doing neck stretches while breathing mindfully.  I am going to start walking more too.  Today was my first day back at the gym in a long time so I stretched, took a short walk, and then did a couple circuits of body weight exercise.  Trying my best to go slow and steady.

[favouritewaitress]

Excellent advice from Scumspawn, just try to level up slowly, its a marathon and not a sprint.

The YouTube thing is good, loads of good stuff, I started my Kettlebell thing looking on there.

Thank you!  I am so intrigued by kettleballs.  I'm sticking with bodyweight exercises right now, but I would love to learn how to use those at some point.

[Scumspawn]

 

I love yoga and I try to incorporate it into my day, even if it is only doing neck stretches while breathing mindfully.  I am going to start walking more too.  Today was my first day back at the gym in a long time so I stretched, took a short walk, and then did a couple circuits of body weight exercise.  Trying my best to go slow and steady.

 

woot! I'm really enjoying the progress bars in my signature, it feels like a reward for going to the gym when I can see the bar go up each time. Would that help you any?

 

[favouritewaitress]

 

body weight workouts are great, but I would also suggest even starting with walking for 10-30 mins a day. It can help clear your head, and gets some great low impact exersize. 

 

 

Also having quotes and motivational things around the house... it sounds cheesy, but sometimes you just need to see it over and over. I have quotes on the mirrors in my bedroom, bathrooms, on backs of cabinets in the kitchen. 

 

 

 Welcome and look forward to seeing how things go!

I definitely think walking is key.  I feel like walking does so much more for you than burn calories.  We were made to walk.

I think I might need some motivational quotes.  I am naturally a very pessimistic and negative person.  I think things would be easier if I could get used to thinking from a positive point of view.

Thanks for the suggestions and the welcome!

[favouritewaitress]

woot! I'm really enjoying the progress bars in my signature, it feels like a reward for going to the gym when I can see the bar go up each time. Would that help you any?

 

Possibly!  How did you get them?  I am still just figuring everything out

[Scumspawn]

Possibly!  How did you get them?  I am still just figuring everything out

You go to your profile and click on edit (red button top right)

Click on signature

To the left of the twitter symbol there is a little icon that looks like a battery - click on that, change the colour in the first box and add your starting number in the large second box.

You have to add the text above and you have to manually update it, so in the middle of the code you see a number - just change that.

 

Or if it works and you can code at all you can just use this, change the hex number and your starting number

[progress='#4E574E']8[/progress]

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This is EXACTLY how I am.  I finally started with my beginner bodyweight workout today, and let me tell you, it was so hard not to beat myself up for not doing it perfectly.

Thanks for your encouragement.

You're welcome. And let me be the first to congratulate you on success. You did the workout and pushed yourself. So what if you didn't do all the reps Steve suggested? The point of the workout is to get stronger. If you push yourself you get stronger. You pushed yourself. You are getting stronger. You succeded.

QED.