Needing some guidance

[JDowntrotter]

This is actually really hard for me to say, and I debated on posting anything at all.  But here goes...

 

So...I'm not sure how to respawn at this point.  I really messed up bad.  So I guess I'm looking for advice.

 

I was really excited to find these forums, and I started eating better and keeping tabs on my activity.  I haven't exercised in a long time, so I thought I'd start with something simple - just making sure I went for a walk everyday.  I've been doing that for about a week, and that's been good.  But in the past, I've had bad alcohol problems where I'd drink to get drunk, and last month I blacked out at a concert I went to with a friend and was just not being responsible at all.  My boyfriend and I went through a really bad week because of that and had a really long conversation about trust issues.  So in result of that, I made a promise to him that I'd only drink if he was with me and if I had his permission.  We figured it'd keep me in check.  

 

Well.  

 

Yesterday I was at an outing with friends, and there was alcohol.  I was being pressured into drinking some, and I kept saying no, and then I broke and finally took a can of beer just to keep them quiet and I was just holding it, to make it look like I was drinking even though I wasn't.  But then I ended up drinking some, and when I realized it was half empty, I threw it away.  I felt awful for breaking my promise.  The rest of the night alcohol was being pushed on me but I said no.  And when I got back to my apartment, I texted my boyfriend because we made plans to talk when I got back and I was letting him know I was home.  I told him what happened, and when I called him he said he can't trust me anymore.  He broke it off with me.  And I just don't know what to do.  It sounds...petty.  I know.  But we've been together for 8 years, and finally, finally! we were going to move in with each other.  I actually had mailed my notice to my landlord earlier that day that I would not be renewing my lease.  And I even have a job lined up in the city my boyfriend lives in.  I was going to be moving in August.  Now I don't know what to do, or where to go.  All because I couldn't say "no".  And now, in result of that, I have no motivation to do anything else.  I don't want to go on my walks or anything.

 

I feel really lost.  

 

tl;dr:  I'm an idiot and I don't know how to fix that.

[JPrev]

Sounds like something that's a bit more complicated than what people on a forum can help with.  On the relationship piece, it's hard to know the history there.  An 8 year commitment ending because some other habits didn't completely stop after one night sounds like a reversible snap judgment, but I'm too much of an outsider so I dunno.

 

It's not easy to stay out and about when you've been dealt a blow.  Doesn't feel like it at the time, but making yourself move around helps the time pass while things process and heal.  I had a pretty bad break up (well, that's how it felt at the time) a couple years ago, and man did working out suck.  Kept going to the gym out of force of habit, but couldn't do nearly as much.  Still, it was good to keep going through the motions - for things in general, not just exercise - even if my heart wasn't so in it.  Things have a way of resolving themselves eventually.  The key is to minimize how much attrition/disrepair you fall into until then.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm sorry you had such a rough time, especially sorry about the relationship. As for what you actually did, don't beat yourself up about it. Yes, you had a beer.  BUT, you stopped halfway down instead of getting black-out drunk. And you were honest about it, no lying, came right out and said what you had done.

 

I'm going to agree with JPrev that the relationship issue is too complex to give a fair assessment. Was this a straw that broke the camel's back kind of moment? In either event, you were honest, you did not lie, and you stopped before you blacked out. Good on you.

[Dessy32]

Trust issues are tough to deal with and sometimes relationships end and it's sad and it's hard but maybe this is the right time to really work on you and focus on yourself. I think maybe it was just a moment of frustration on his behalf it's hard to comment when I don't know the whole story however you can be sad and upset but still look at this as an opportunity to better yourself. Not for him or anyone else but for you.  Saying no was hard for me as well with different things I was everyone's go to babysitter or if they needed help with something even if it took to much time or money away from my family... it hurt my relationship with my husband and I had think about what was more important, I love to help people but I can't do it constantly at the expense of family because they need to be my top priority. What I have learned is you will never make EVERYONE happy so you need to pick those most important to you and focus on making them and you happy.  Best of luck. 

[JDowntrotter]

Thank you everyone for your words of advice.  I appreciate the time you took to respond.  I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to focus on staying active and I'm thinking a lot about how to avoid these types of situations in the future.  I'm doing my best to stay positive.  Your words have helped a lot, and I've decided I'm not going to let this hold me back.  While I still don't feel 100% and won't for a while, I know I'll get there, and I'm taking this as a huge learning experience.

 

I noticed I started drinking alcohol more once I started my job 2 years ago.  It's very entertainment based and people are always partying, and a lot of the staff has that "let loose" attitude.  While it's been fun, it also seems to have had a bad influence on me, and I'm seeking employment elsewhere now to see if that will also help.  I'm thinking something more healthy, like a state park or fitness/recreation center.  A place that will align with my goals and help keep me on track, as well as hopefully meeting people with that same interest.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Changing jobs sounds like a good step in the right direction.

[WarriorAmy]

I'm sorry you had such a rough time, especially sorry about the relationship. As for what you actually did, don't beat yourself up about it. Yes, you had a beer.  BUT, you stopped halfway down instead of getting black-out drunk. And you were honest about it, no lying, came right out and said what you had done.

 

I'm going to agree with JPrev that the relationship issue is too complex to give a fair assessment. Was this a straw that broke the camel's back kind of moment? In either event, you were honest, you did not lie, and you stopped before you blacked out. Good on you.

 

I agree with this. Give yourself some credit for stopping halfway, and then being honest about your slip up. I think that's really awesome. 

[Raincloak]

Half a can of beer is not that great a sin.  It's good that you stopped before drinking any more, as above posters said.

 

If your boyfriend of 8 years broke up with you over that small a thing, there's probably more to the story.  It is possible he has wanted to break up for a while and just needed an excuse ... or it's possible he was going through something temporary on his end that put him under a lot of stress and he didn't mean it.  Since you don't even live in the same city currently, it's kinda hard to tell what the problem is.

 

If you have a job lined up, I say go ahead with your plans to move.  It doesn't sound like you're real happy where you are, anyway.  Meanwhile you can try to work things out with your boyfriend, but if I were you, I'd start looking for a place to rent in the new city, just in case things fall through with the boy.  It's always a good idea to have a backup plan.  It sounds like your relationship is too rocky to depend upon for housing, so get yourself a lease.  That way there's no pressure to stay with a guy who you may not want anymore.