Hiraedd: one tiny step at a time

[Hiraedd]

Just creating this is a step.  Posting in it will be steps for other days

[captncid]

A step at a time is all it takes!

Sent by Captain's orders via raven

[Hiraedd]

A step at a time is all it takes!

So they say.  We'll have to see if it holds true  Thanks for hanging out here, Cid.  I appreciate it.

 

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Respawn...what does that even look like?  I guess, for me, like this.  Quiet, shaking, and afraid, but still moving forward.

 

I almost lost myself last year.  I don’t know where I went, but one day in July I turned around and I was just...gone.  In my place stood a woman I didn’t know, who was drained dry and had nothing left: no joy, no happiness, no sorrow, just nothing.  The world was full of colours she didn’t care if she saw, and full of feelings that she couldn’t even recognize, let alone feel.  She didn’t know hunger, or pain, or delight.  And it was like I was a prisoner in her mind; a shadow of a dream and nothing more. On the good days I cried for hours.  It took me a month to recognize those days as forward and not backwards progress.  On the bad days? Nothingness.   The scary part was I had been like that before as I struggled to heal after my abusive marriage.  But back then I had a reason.  Now?  Now I had no clue what had precipitated it.

 

I’m better now, most days, but I’m afraid.  I’m terrified that I will end up back where I was, because I’m not sure what set it off.  It’s a bit like having an unexploded bomb in my head and not knowing where the fuse is, but I can’t just sit around and hope it never goes off.  I have to get healthy all over again, and take every precaution not to lose myself along the way.

 

I’m not sure what this battle log is going to look like.  I don’t even have a plan yet.  I’m actually trying very hard not to have a plan so I don’t get overwhelmed.  What I do have is a race, finally.  I am a hamadryad.  And for the next while I’m going to be working on building up my tree to keep me safe.

 

Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad.  

It has a nice ring to it.

[captncid]

You are very welcome for hanging out here. I am glad to see you back, you have been missed. Just know if you need a shoulder to lean on to take another step, I offer mine.

Sent by Captain's orders via raven

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough year. I was gone for a while too, but I remember how encouraging you were when I was here the first time.  You are still you. I hear you that you fear that you could slip back into the lostness, especially since you have no idea what led to it this last time.  Fear of an unexploded bomb in one's head is difficult to overcome.  And yet you are overcoming it. You are coming back, you are climbing out of the pit. You have already declared your victory with your new name, Hiraedd the Twice risen. That is the good side of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Deep down, a part of you knows you can get healthy again because you've done it before. I know you can do it again because you've done it before. You are not going to submit to despair. You have risen.

[Hiraedd]

Thank you both so much.  Your kind words are nourishing and thirst quenching.

 

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I cleaned all day yesterday (about 8 hours), and ended up completely exhausted.  Apparently cleaning uses the same energy that I use for people and projects.  This is good to know, since somehow it has slipped my notice until now.  I slept 13 hours and was able to face very little today, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I need to pace myself better.  Smaller bites.  Smaller steps.  I hate that.  I hate smaller.  I'm so impatient.  I want to be better NOW.

 

Deep breath.  I'll get there.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You are better now, just not as much as you want to be.  You learned about pacing, that's an improvement. Your place is 8 hours worth of cleaning cleaner, that's an improvement. You got the rest you need, that's an improvement. You may need to scale down your expectations of what you can do in a day (pacing) but you definitely need to scale up your recognition of your achievements.  You are winning, even if you don't see it yet.

[Fearkiller]

I was afraid that something bad had happened to you.

And in a way, it did. But I am so happy that you aren't dead,

or worse. I wish I could hug you.

 

If you ever want to talk about anything,

I will be here listening if you want.

 

How slow you may go,

how many times you may fall,

you are not a worse person for it.

 

*hugs*

[Hiraedd]

You are better now, just not as much as you want to be.  You learned about pacing, that's an improvement. Your place is 8 hours worth of cleaning cleaner, that's an improvement. You got the rest you need, that's an improvement. You may need to scale down your expectations of what you can do in a day (pacing) but you definitely need to scale up your recognition of your achievements.  You are winning, even if you don't see it yet.

Thanks for the re-frame.  I don't know why I'm having such trouble seeing the world that way right now, but it helped.  Thank you.

 

I was afraid that something bad had happened to you.

And in a way, it did. But I am so happy that you aren't dead,

or worse. I wish I could hug you.

 

If you ever want to talk about anything,

I will be here listening if you want.

 

How slow you may go,

how many times you may fall,

you are not a worse person for it.

 

*hugs*

I love that you said the exactly perfect thing.  I am also glad that I am not dead, or worse.  I am also glad that you are not dead or worse.  And thank you for the hugs.  They are appreciated.

 

_______________________________________

 

Okay.  So nothing much earth shattering.  Lots of rest, and slow progress on my projects.  I got the sink installed in the bathroom yesterday.  I attached the drain today.  And I didn't lose my mind when it leaked.  Instead I left it alone for a few hours and then tried again.  Yay!  Progress on both fronts  Also, for the first time in a year and a half we can wash our hands in the sink and not the bathtub.

 

Went for a massage today.  It was really nice.  And it made me do some thinking about things like touch and texture.  I'm going to splurge on a few more over the next few weeks and see if they continue to help.  If they do, then... wait...trying not to get too far ahead of myself.  I booked one for next week.  After that, let's see where it goes.  Anyway, once I was done I wanted something healthy to eat, not junk.  As though taking care of me made me feel like I wanted to take care of me.  I had a smoothie.

 

I also thought that right now I want to feel healthy, but I don't care about looking healthy.  So for now, I don't think I'll go back to progress pictures.  My progress is going to have to be measured differently.  How, I'm not sure yet, but differently.  I can't afford to be thinking about how I look, because that makes me think about what others think about how I look, and then...it goes downhill from there and makes me hide more.  So no progress pictures, and no weighing myself, and so far no exercise.  This looks strangely unlike any "get healthy" thing I've ever done. 

 

...maybe that's a good thing.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Good, good, good for you! So many things to be happy about in your last post.  Good job getting the sink hooked up, then even better job on fixing it and not beating yourself up [win].

Glad you had a good experience on the massage, self-care is a phrase we throw around in the helping professions, sounds like staying with what works is a good idea. It's very telling that your first instinct after the massage was to get something healthy [win].

Great self awareness on deciding not to do progress pics, you have identified what doesn't work and are circumventing your own self-destructive patterns [win].

 

Your post was full of win.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days, hope everything's ok.

[Fearkiller]

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Bumping the post in case you're lurking to let you know we're here for you.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Another thread bump.

[Fearkiller]

A bit of hamadryad-themed inspiration. It is a long, but good read, the tale of Hamadryads, from Camelotunchained:

http://camelotunchained.com/v2/lore/becoming-stories/hamadryads/page-1/

 

Like you are in the middle of the Veilstorm right now, but the forest is the life

you build after you survive. A wonderful forest, a safe place, like a druid haven?

A little nerdy twist, if you don't mind

 

Thought you might need hugs also, if you're a little short today

thenicestplaceontheinter.net

 

Take care of yourself, and breathe deep, calmly.

Remember, you are Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. 

[Hiraedd]

Thank you both.  Your kindness and lurking around makes it so much easier to come back and post again.

 

Let's talk a bit about my summer. It has been a total roller coaster: moments of anticipation, exhilaration, and sheer terror squished into a few short weeks. I'm not even sure where to start, but here is as good a place as any: the realization that I had a real problem.

 

What I went through starting last July started a lot earlier than that. In fact, it started almost a year earlier than that, when my health started to improve. I had been overweight for a long time and then as I started to lose weight and build a healthier life I began to get ill. A round or two of strep, a few times of coughing up blood, and a lot of having to “restart†my fitness over again I was diagnosed with severe acid reflux in August of 2013. Although the medication they prescribed for me made me intensely ill, the lifestyle changes helped considerably and suddenly I was active and healthy and in control of my world. That's when I started to nosedive, and it came to a head the following July (2014) when I simply went numb. I've described it before, so I'll leave it at that, but the feeling was familiar. And once I'd gained back almost all the weight (I'm not really sure, since I haven't weighed myself in a long time) and I was able to carefully nurture myself back to coping with reality, I realized that I had a real problem.

 

My symptoms were a sign – not something random or arbitrary, but my body screaming out that there is something wrong with me: I had an anxiety disorder that left unchecked had dropped me into depression.

 

It was scary at first, admitting that it wasn't just that I was tired, overworked, or an introvert; admitting there was something actually wrong. But admitting that, realizing that, I was able to start facing it and dealing with it. I've given myself about 18 months to see if I can manage to get it under control without medication, and if I can't, to meet with a professional to talk about medications and what they can do for me.

 

Fast on the heels of the first realization was my second: that this anxiety is nothing new. Not only was the numbness familiar from my abusive marriage, but also from a lot earlier, starting after we moved to a new town when I was in 7, and intensifying around 12.

 

Following that was a series of revelations about my past. I realized that my eating, my anxiety, and my weight are very much intertwined. I realized that I ate to protect myself from poor treatment by others, and to soothe the pain of it.

 

When I was 12, my mom was concerned about my weight and put me on my first diet. I drank slim-fast shakes for breakfast and lunch, and ate a reasonable supper. The weight fell off and I ended up a very curvy size 10 by the beginning of June. I was a 36C, 5'4†tall, and went very suddenly from being a safe, unnoticed nerd to being the center of attention for a couple of high school boys who rode my bus (my very small school went from K-12 in one building). They started by harassing me in my new outfits: having other kids sit in my seat and telling me that they had a seat for me on their laps, and I could pick which one. Everyone would laugh when I blushed. At school they would corner me in the hallway and “accidentally†run into me, pressing me up against the wall so they could rub against me or feel me up. Because there were two of them one could always hide what was happening from others walking past, at least from the teachers, and no body else said anything.

 

I knew that I hated what was happening, but I blamed my suddenly new body. Since none of the other girls, even older ones, said anything, I assumed that it was how pretty, attractive girls got treated. I started eating again, and the attention stopped as my weight increased, but the damage of it was with me. I started avoiding people, and developed debilitating migraine headaches.

 

At 14 I lost weight again, down to an 11/12, and it started happening again. In the hallway one would trip me so I would land across the other, sitting and waiting for me to fall in his lap. I started eating again and stopped going into the hallway during recess. I always used the bathroom during class.

 

Because these cycles seemed to hinge on my weight loss, I blamed myself for the uncomfortable attention. I told myself that I could control it by changing my routine, by wearing different clothes, and by gaining weight. I stayed fat, very fat, so that I was safe. My migraines tapered off after I left high school, and my anxiety got better. I wanted desperately for someone to love me, but they were going to have to go through my armour to get there. I satisfied myself with romance novels instead, and copious amounts of them.

 

When I was 19 I started losing weight again. I was traveling overseas and working part time, and was happy and free. I was about a size 15 when I met the man I would marry. In a whirlwind romance based mostly on proximity and coincidence, 3 months later he convinced me that if I didn't marry him I'd never see him again. And I wanted so much to be loved that I let myself believe all the lies.

 

I won't go into details, mostly because they're still far too painful. Suffice it to say that he starved and forced me into his idea of a beautiful woman – slim (size 10) , long hair (straight, to my bum, blonde of course), obedient. When I finally left I ate and ate and ate until I was safe again.

 

**While I was typing this up, I just had another realization: that I had a married co-worker made a pass at me in June 2013, right before my downward spiral started. Holy crap. This is way more connected to my anxiety than I thought.

 

...and another realization: that the poor treatment by others was not my fault. I may have chosen the clothes and become healthy, but that they were all at fault for their own inappropriate, not-okay-way-to-treat-anyone behaviour.

 

...and another realization: that I hated and mistrusted myself. I didn't realize it until I confronted those memories. Ever since then I have second guessed myself because I can't be trusted (since I had the poor judgment to place myself in those situations), because I can't control how others will react (but since I was 12 I assumed I was responsible for that), and because I can't afford to make another mistake (and since I'd made mistakes before I could assume I would make them again).

 

Once I confronted that idea it was like a tidal wave. I cried for all the things I'd lost, and as I did so, I realized I wasn't that girl any more. I was new. I was no longer the person who had made all those mistakes, and I didn't have to carry them around forever. God and I spent a lot of time on that, and in some ways we're still working through it, but the seeds are there. The seeds of new growth are bursting through the desolation in my soul that was left by my painful past. God and I are also working together through my confusion and fears about attraction, being attractive, being desired, not being wanted, and relationships. Hopefully someday those areas of my life will heal as well.

 

So basically it's no wonder I had a breakdown last July, and it's not surprising that gaining the weight back has eased it, but I'm no longer content to stay this way. The anxiety needs to be dealt with, and so does my health. I can't continue to stick my head in the sand until life seems okay again, especially since life never seems to get easier. I'm tired of having my ability to cope outstripped by the chaos in my world.

 

I can now say that it was not getting healthy that brought my breakdown. It may have made my brain, which has held things in denial until I was ready, think that I could handle dealing with them, but it was not the culprit.

To that end, I have allowed myself to start dreaming again. I dream of one day being healthy not just in body, but in soul, spirit, mind, habit, and finance. I'm working though what that looks like to me, and I have started some baby steps in that direction.

 

I am really exhausted now, so I'm going to leave the story there for the moment. Despite the advances I've made things are often overwhelming, and I am in the middle of another time like that right now. I am going to go feed myself some lunch (better late than never), take a rest, and maybe a soak in the tub to help me cope.

 

Later!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You are so freaking amazing! You are my new hero. That is an amazing story a massive amount of work you have done figuring all that out. Even if you were never to make another bit of progress (which is ridiculous to consider) you would have already won at life so much more than 95% of the world. The rebellion is here for you for all the support that online can give. You got this!

[Fearkiller]

Squee! *inaudible sounds of joy* So much WIN!

Excited for your insights!

 

 

 

As for the darker parts... I do not know if cute kitten gifs help,

 

 

and I don't know what to say, but I'd like you to know that you are a wonderful person.

[Hiraedd]

 as a cheering section, you guys really are the best.  Thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and gifs.  Just knowing that you care is a big help.    

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

[Fearkiller]

 as a cheering section, you guys really are the best.  Thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and gifs.  Just knowing that you care is a big help.    

Awww, schucks... *Warm cutesy feelings*

[Hiraedd]

Here's a bit about my current world:

 

I'm back at work with some (slightly) less stressful students than last year, although my first little man of the morning is taxing all my reserves already.  I'm hoping to meet with my immediate supervisor within the week to talk about ways to reframe his behavior in relation to him (so that I don't automatically blame myself and/or feel angry or embarrassed about it).  I am blessed to have a boss that is willing to field my questions.

 

My daughter's dad went back on an agreement about her passport (he arranged for it to be delivered to his house instead of to the 3rd party we had agreed on) and so I'm in the middle of trying to deal with that.  In the last week and a half I confronted him about it, talked to a lawyer, secured financing in case I need to go to court, and wrote him a letter with a choice of appropriate 3rd parties to arrange to have it sent to. 

 

I brushed up on my (very beginner to start with) Signed Exact English in June and took a second course two weeks ago (the instructors were so amazing and so encouraging).  I am now using it daily with two students (who are brand new to sign, so that helps), although there is so many words for me to learn!  I'm learning about 20 new words a day to try to express the things I need to with them.

 

I realized that at some point I stopped writing, and when I did I stopped looking at the world the same way.  When I was writing I was always breaking things down, looking at things with new eyes, savouring every bit, experiencing them to the full so that I could express them.  Instead I've just been coasting.  I want to add more mindfulness to my life.  I want to be a pilgrim every day, and not just someone on a daily commute that wants the time to disappear.

 

I am holding steady at 15 minutes 3 days a week of walking (for the last 3 weeks).  Walking is good for my anxiety.  And you know what else is?  Multivitamins and no sugar.

 

As I've been doing research about depression and anxiety I read that a ketogenic diet is often recommended for people with anxiety.  I thought back to when I first tried it, and how wonderful I felt, and then how that clarity disappeared as I added in more carbs.  I have backed off again to under 100g of carbs a day (shooting more for the 50g range) and have already noticed improvement in my mood, sleep, and ability to disengage from dark thought patterns.  I have also noticed easing in my clothing, so I think it's safe to assume I have started to lose some weight, although I have yet to get on a scale either way.  So with the sugar: lots of protien, little to no refined sugar, little to no added sugar, vegetables as long as they have fiber, and squash/potato/etc only once per day.  Little to no fruit, since it just makes me want more sugar.  No milk, because it makes me want sweet things.

 

I'm missing being touched again, and will probably need to schedule a massage in the next week or so.  I will call for an appointment once I'm done with this update.

 

I'm also working on the list of things I don't do.  I was having my mom read to me during one of my more intense anxiety attacks recently (just after I found out about the passport, actually) and the chapter she read talked about how in life you have to have two lists: one of what you do, and one of what you don't do in order to make space in your life for the things you DO do.  My Don't Do list isn't nearly long enough yet, but here's a start:

 

Things I don't do:

1. ironing -- seriously, I barely fold.

2. dusting -- who can even tell?  I can't.

3. my hair and makeup -- I don't have time to do them right or practice, so good enough is close enough.  (I have actually started leaving my hair curly and it has been a great time saver and relief)

4. match socks -- life is too short for that

5. paint my nails or toenails

 

...that's about it so far.  I really need to find more things I don't do.  I wish I had more money, and then I'd add "laundry" in it's entirety to that list, and "cleaning" in its entirety too.

 

I feel like my head's above water right now, and that's encouraging.  For however long it lasts I'm grateful.  

 

Love to you all

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That's great. The part of me that was once nine is compelled to point out the part where you wrote "you do do." I giggle every time I look at it.

 

Okay, on to the encouraging part. I know you're gonna make it because anyone who can write the above post has done a LOT of self-work. Anyone willing to do that much self-work doesn't give up half way. So as long as you keep doing the reps, you're gonna win at life. It's already a done deal. Keep up the good work, you got this.

[Fearkiller]

 

 

You wrote many sparks of light. I'm happy for that.

 

Seconding Tanktimus. After all, knowledge is power.

 

Also the Signed exact English sound like tons of fun.

Quite nothing opens up the world like learning another language.

 

 

I feel like my head's above water right now, and that's encouraging.  For however long it lasts I'm grateful.  

Also happy for this, too.

[Hiraedd]

Tough day today.  Today is the deadline for his response about the passport.  I'm at the crunch; had a hard morning.  Got a hug from a friend, and some distraction via work.  My stomach hurts.  But I'm listening to a speaker about constructive failure, and when that's done I'm going for a walk and then I'm going to sit and read for a while.

 

I hope he makes a good choice and capitulates does what we agreed to before.  If he doesn't...then I still have options.  I can't control what he does, and I don't want to.  I have a voice and I can stop the passport for the time being until we can agree, even if that's going to make him mad.  It's okay.  I don't have to fear his anger anymore, even if it still makes me uncomfortable.  I am not looking for trouble, just bringing reality into the situation when he refuses to follow what we agreed to.

 

Most of that is self talk, trying to remind myself that standing up for myself does not mean that I'm causing the problem.  

 

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to change my "do" list to a  Dodo list now. (Sorry, Tank, not a doo-doo list)    You guys are great.  Thanks for your encouragement on this roller coaster of my life.  I appreciate every bit of both of you.