Hiraedd: one tiny step at a time

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I guess a dodo list is fine. It's enough for me just knowing I put the thought in your head. You are right, standing up for yourself is not causing the problem, but as a fellow conflict avoider I know that feel. Constructive failure is a good option. I have come to realize I learn more from failure than success. I used to think I was scared to succeed but realized I was scared to try because I didn't want to fail. 

[Fearkiller]

If it doesn't add to the stress to talk about this, I'd like to ask some clarifying questions.

(And just because I asked something doesn't mean there's any need for you answer if you don't want to )

 

If he wants the passport to his house, is it that you or your friends would have to go there in person?

So that the 3rd party is for safety. Or is it that you agreed to deliver the passport to the 3rd party,

and when he changes the rules on his own account, you need to send a message that this is not accepted,

and you don't follow him? Or that he could deny ever gotten it, if it is just given to him?

 

Or am I a missing a piece of the puzzle?

 

And there is nothing wrong with being afraid (or uncomfortable).

Loud and angry emotions and persons are scary.

It is very important to stand up for yourself,

because it sends the message

you are not one to be trodden over.

 

Take care.

[Fearkiller]

Here are some flowers from our summer garden to cheer your day.

 

 

 

 

 

[Fearkiller]

Being the mother-hen I am, I'm getting slightly concerned not hearing from you.
Are you okay? If not, what could I do?

 

*a tight HUG and cuddles*

[Hiraedd]

Thanks for stopping in you two!  I appreciate the hugs and flowers and thoughts. I did have some pretty dark days in the last month...especially since I tried to go for a meeting about my Last Will and Testament.  Yikes.  I did not expect the three days of darkness or the week long sob fest, but I slowly made my way through it.  I think I will wait a while for my next round of meeting, though.  I'm just not ready to discuss all those things about what will happen here after I'm dead: I'm just not in a healthy enough mindset yet.

 

My daughter's passport is finally going to be issued. I had to send in a fax to cancel the application because her father refused to agree, send her father a letter stating what I had done which resulted in a horrible phone call with my ex over the fact that I asked them to cancel it.  Even once he agreed to send it to a lawyer I still had to convince him to choose a lawyer to send it to since he "doesn't trust [my] lawyer". Luckily my loan application went through and I was able to borrow the money needed to pay for the lawyer. (Yes, that should have been a shared expense, but sometimes the fight just isn't worth it.  Her safety is worth more to me than the money.)  After that I paid $200 for a letter from his lawyer confirming the arrangements that were made, and sent a fax to the passport office with a copy of said letter to say that as long as it was sent to the lawyer I was okay with them issuing the passport.  This week they contacted me and asked me to send 1 more fax to confirm everything.  So the passport should be issued shortly.  

If he wants the passport to his house, is it that you or your friends would have to go there in person?

So that the 3rd party is for safety. Or is it that you agreed to deliver the passport to the 3rd party,

and when he changes the rules on his own account, you need to send a message that this is not accepted,

and you don't follow him? Or that he could deny ever gotten it, if it is just given to him?

I think the biggest part of it was that he lied about it and changed it behind my back to something we didn't agree to, but coupled with that is the fact that he threatened when we were together to take our daughter away to his home country and never return, and since then has had restricted access to her passport (one day before and one day after agreed upon and signed travel arrangements), so it was a threatening move on his part.

 

Anyway, that should be dealt with.  I'm relieved, and will be even more relieved when we finally get it back into the safety deposit box where it belongs.

 

Work is heavy this year, with lots of extra hours of planning to put in to make it a success.  I have two very supportive co-workers who are sharing the burden and one very uncooperative one who basically told me she wants me to do her part.  I was able to meet with our boss this week and confirm that we were allowed to withhold our planned materials from her if she didn't want to be part of the planning, so at least that's one more load taken care of. Yay for me actually dealing with the conflict!

 

Somewhere in the last month I stopped walking.  I don't know when, but somehow things got busy and then...nothing.  From 5 days a week to nothing.  So my current focus is building that back up, but the darkness in the morning is really getting to me.  I think I may have to get a full spectrum bulb for over the treadmill so that I can get a dose of sunshine as well.  Maybe two bulbs and put one over my bed on a timer so I wake up to sunshine....that will probably be my weekend project.  Then I will be spending the next six weeks building back up to 15 minutes a day of walking.

 

Our public library had it's biannual book sale, and I bought about 50 books for $10.  I also found a candle that smells like a campfire.  Between the new books, the candle, and the electric fireplace in my library I am ready for some cuddle-up-and-read time.  That's what's on the schedule for tonight: Reading and a cup of tea.  Oh, and maybe a walk...

 

And I'm doing Nanowrimo this year.  Yep, that's me, back in the writing groove a little bit.  It feels good to write again.

 

Love to you all.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

So glad you were able to get the passport think settled. Dealing with exes is horrible, and mine is nowhere near as bad as yours (we don't have kids to be used as weapons). You have come so far and are an amazing person. I felt snuggly just reading about your campfire candle and fireplace. If you can do that in a post I can't wait to see what you do with NaNoWriMo.

[Lady Hawk]

Wow! Sounds like you've been through a lot but you're coming out stronger!

 I also found a candle that smells like a campfire.  Between the new books, the candle, and the electric fireplace in my library I am ready for some cuddle-up-and-read time.  That's what's on the schedule for tonight: Reading and a cup of tea.  Oh, and maybe a walk...

A good book, tea and delightful candles! What a fantastic combination! Books are awesome And keep up the walking. It does clear the head in a clear an wonderful way! Occasionally I listen to audio books and find I walk further or more frequently because I get caught up in the story.

Keep up the positive notes and good work! You're doing great

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Thread bump to let you know we haven't forgotten you.

 

How is NaNoWriMo?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

How was your holiday weekend?

[Fearkiller]

*randomly ponders how Hira is doing?*

[Hiraedd]

Hi all!  Thank you so much for the love, the bumps, and the wondering.  My life, as always, continues to be a bit of a roller coaster.

 

Nanowrimo was wonderful, and reminded me how much I love writing.  I wrote over 53,000 words in November and have continued on a lesser scale (and much slower pace) to about 61,000 now.  My first, very terrible (and that's okay) novel is almost finished.  I have about one chapter to go.  Of course, I already know a huge number of things I want to change, but I want to finish it first.

 

November, with the time change, was a great month for habits for me.  I continued to get up at regular time (which was now an hour early) to walk or read my bible, or both, and worked up to 7 days a week of reading and 4 days a week of walking before the end of November.

 

December, however, hit with a vengeance.  On December 1st I came down with a "serious" case of tonsilitis which required intensive antibiotics, only cold food, and no hard foods (all pureed or mashed).  No exercise was allowed.  I only missed 2 days of work, and spent most of the rest without a voice.  After 12 days I was almost better, but the antibiotic was done.  It came back.  I am now on my second course of antibiotics.  I also developed a secondary cold and a tertiary earache.  Five days into the second antibiotic I'm not exactly optimistic that this time is going to do it, however now that work is off for two weeks I'm hoping that I'll be able to catch up on enough rest to recover.  I've slept 18 hours today so I think I'm on the right track.

 

My daughter's passport came back to the lawyer and is now safely ensconced in its safety deposit box, for a few hundred dollars less than I expected, so that is happy.  My ex lost his job and had the child support reevaluated and now I owe him child support ($40 a month) which is going to be tricky financially but less expensive than going to court to get it changed based on my income-to-debt ratio, so I'll live with it until the next evaluation in July.  When I see the way he acts and the way he treats his responsibilities I am constantly surprised that I ever thought there was any future for us.  Regardless, it is what it is.

 

The other major thing in our lives is that a friend of my daughter's tried to commit suicide last weekend.  Please send good thoughts/prayers/wisdom as I help my daughter navigate this situation, as I work on fostering a relationship with this girl to help her have more lines of communication to hold onto, and as I contemplate how and when to share my story with both my daughter and her friend so that they understand why I understand.  I talked to the girl briefly about her coping strategies and she admitted she didn't have any, so I took her a colouring book and pencil crayons and told her I had lots of good habits that she could try on and see if they fit.  Who knows? Maybe it will help a little just knowing that I care.

 

So December has been tough.  I have pulled back on my walking goal until I'm healed but I have every intention of picking it up again.  I truly love how it makes me feel.  It creates room for me to breathe.

 

While I can't walk I've been spending extra time resting and reading and avoiding sugar and caffeine to alleviate some of the symptoms.  I talked to our school counselor last week about the girl's suicide attempt and what I could do another time a situation like that presented itself, and to a trusted friend about how hard it was for me, and so I'm doing okay.  I love Christmas and all it's traditions and have been enjoying fake fires (complete with campfire scented candle), good books, warm blankets, and instrumental Christmas music.  I'll be celebrating on the 28th (when my daughter gets back from 2 weeks at her dad's) and can barely wait for people to open the presents I got them.

 

I'm learning right now that the circumstances of life don't have to be good for me to be good.  Life is hard, but I'm not: I'm soft and squishy and doing just fine.

 

Love you all.

Hira

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You are awesome. Way to win even though you got really sick. I'm very proud of you and glad that I know you.

[Fearkiller]

Those last two sentences.. Felt a surge of joy.

I'm smiling quite much. Wooot!

 

The suicide attempt..  It can possibly make a huge difference, that someone,

you know, actually caring and being there for you in a hard spot.

There's nothing "small" about heartfelt connection.

I'm grateful that these things happen, and that you are there,

being awesome and stuff.. 

 

Ooh, ooh, you wrote a book! Excited!

What's it about? Would you mind a sneak peek?

Like the first chapter or so?

And please do tell if you need proofreading help.

Or general feedback.

And I get it if you are shy about sharing it

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Thread bump to let you know we are still here.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hope everything is going well.

[Hiraedd]

Thanks again for the bumps and the love.

 

Fearkiller, *hug*.  I appreciate you.  As for the story, I'm currently working on the 2nd draft of my book but when I need proofreaders I'll definitely let you know.  Don't expect anything extraordinary: you'll probably be sorry you asked  I have no intentions of publishing it.  It really is just for me to enjoy working on.

 

Tank, thank you.  There were a number of times I showed up here and couldn't make myself write, but saw your bumps and encouragement and smiled.

 

You've all been with me long enough to know that I kind of go in waves, and this one is darker than the last.  Sorry for the length.  Don't feel like you have to read it all.

 

So here's where I am. I am less broken than I was six years ago when I started this journey, but I can’t keep pretending that I can do this anymore.  Yes, I move more,  I eat better,  I breathe more often,  I have a better job,  I have a better support system, and  I can stand up for myself a little bit better but despite every attempt to “get healthy†and “eat right†and “change my life†and “build good habits†and “take time for myself†I am still broken.

 

Every time I build up a good habit to the point where it begins to even out my life it begins to feel like a trap, a restriction; a strait jacket of behaviour that only allows me to be a certain way.  Every time I arrange circumstances in my life to the point where they begin to even out my life life throws me a curveball and I am forced to pull back, to hide; to live a smaller life that I want since I can’t manage the larger one.

 

I am tired; tired of continuing to live a lesser life, of constantly feeling like I’m failing at my own existence, of feeling like I am stretched thin just to survive, of feeling that I am too tired to actually enjoy life.  My spirit is worn through, like a favourite shirt that’s been washed so many times there’s nothing but tatters left so there’s no use patching it but you keep pulling it out of the rag bin because you love it too much to let it go.

 

This is my life, and I can’t fix it alone anymore.

 

It came to a head this week with some life circumstances.  I am, for lack of a better word, “adulting†alone this week.  My family is away, and I am bearing the full workload of a home and pets and work and volunteering.  In addition my work schedule was changed two weeks ago and I was placed back with the student whose needs wore me down to my breaking point two and a half years ago.  I have been in tears six times this week (seven if you count now) just trying to survive the week.  Just trying to make it through.  Just trying to not shake the 10 year old toddler who has been entrusted to my professional care.

 

My positive eating habits disappeared since I couldn’t maintain them and survive at the same time.  I am subsisting primarily on caffeine and sugar, which has affected my sleep. My sleep habits have been interrupted and so most nights I’ve had less than an hour of sleep, which has affected my activity.  My healthy-mind walking habits are gone because I don’t have the energy to move any more than I have to. And on Wednesday night I stood in front of the pantry and seriously considered making myself a box of Kraft Dinner:  I had reached a point in my own head where I was considering making myself violently ill on purpose so that I could justify to myself calling in sick the next day.

 

I didn’t make the macaroni and cheese.

 

Over the next days I realized that something was seriously wrong: on Thursday I was so exhausted that I slept 6 hours in five fitful naps, and on Friday I was both desperate and coherent enough to make an appointment with my doctor to talk about the possibility of sleeping pills so that I could get some rest.  He can see me on March 11.  Today I remembered that I had forgotten a promise to do some deliveries for my volunteering and looked after it, but I only drove on back roads through quiet neighbourhoods, and when I was done I couldn’t even make myself go into a restaurant for food because I couldn’t see any more people.  I knew I needed to make an appointment for a haircut, but I didn’t want to because my hairdresser was out on mat leave, but I couldn’t make myself call them because I didn’t want to have to make conversation with someone new.  

 

And that’s when I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore.

 

Sitting in my car, unable to do anything but drive myself home, I had this crystal moment of clarity: no matter how well I do at “stress managementâ€, “devotionsâ€, “mindfulnessâ€, “activityâ€, or any other good habits, I can’t cope with life on my own.  I have no buffer, and none of my good habits have given me one; they have simply slowed the devouring effects of life: they haven’t reversed them.

 

The truth is I need medication...and not just sleeping pills.

 

I don’t know why I’ve fought this idea for so long. I’ve always hated things that changed how I feel.  I’ve always been cautious of sugar and caffeine, and completely wary of alcohol or recreational drugs.  I didn’t want some chemical to change who I was, but without medication life is changing who I am, and I don’t want to be the small, broken person that it’s leaving me.  I guess maybe I have a hero complex or something.  I wanted to save myself.  I wanted to fix myself.  I wanted so desperately for good habits and a healthy lifestyle to be the answer.  And I think maybe they are, but they’re only part of the answer. I need to be on medication not so that it can change who I am but so that it can help build back up the buffer between me and the world.  I want to be on medication so that I can be me again.

 

So March on 11 I’ll be talking to my doctor about what I’m going through, about referring me to a counselor that can help me keep figuring out the good things and getting rid of the bad things, and about medication.  Until then I’ll be booking a few days of time off and relying heavily on whatever gets me through.  I already feel a bit better: the idea that there might be help on the horizon has made today feel a little less dark already.  I’m not imagining that medication is going to be an easy road, especially with the complications of side effects, and if I’m completely honest I’m hoping to only be on them short term, but it’s a step.  Three, actually, since I’ll be trying to access the help of two medical professionals along with it, and we’ll see where it takes me.

 

So here’s to three more steps in the direction of being less broken.  That’s what’s going on in my world.  How about in yours?

 

Love,

Hira

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. You are going through things that would drain anyone. Having to care for a person like you described would cause burnout in anyone. In fact, it burned you out the last time. I hear what you are saying about not wanting to take medication, that you want to be you, not some medicated version of yourself. It sounds like you have come to a place where you feel that you are not yourself without medication. It's not unlike a type one diabetic needing to take insulin. Their pancreas simply doesn't create it, so they have to take injections. You may simply need something your body is not producing on it's own.

 

You are an amazing person, and I am so very proud to know you, and proud of you. You are surviving through trials I can't even contemplate. There are those who don't face a tenth of what you do who throw in the towel and let life defeat them. 

 

You are still striving on. And.

That.

Is.

Amazing.

[Fearkiller]

Read it all! hehe That is a magnificent! post.

There's so much clarity and honesty in your writing.

 

Hmm. I do not know if it's that you've been writing more lately?

but the quality technically as text has also improved.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Friendly thread bump:

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Thread bump. We're still here when you need us.

[Hiraedd]

Thanks for all the thread bumps

 

I'm alive.  I'm seeing my doctor regularly.  I'm taking my meds and some of them even seem to help a little.  The sleep meds make me sleep, but they also make everything taste like tinfoil, even water. So I choose on a semi-daily basis whether I'd rather eat or sleep. I am on the waiting list for a counselor and a nutritionist.  My basic test results all came back stellar (aka "disgustingly healthy" as per my doctor), so other than the depression there are no health concerns.  And so I am alive, holding on one day at a time, even when my brain lies (which it does quite regularly now).

 

About 9 weeks of work until the summer.  Here's hoping and praying I can hang on until then.

 

Love to you all.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Glad things are going as well as they are you rock!