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PixieKitten

Pixie Kitten Goes It Solo

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Ima keep this short.

 

So, For the first time in my adult life, I've found myself single. Not for the first time in my life, I've also found myself rather depressed. And once again, my physical health has suffered for it. I've been drinking a lot, I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone, I keep catching myself thinking I must be completely worthless and I've ruined everything and no-one wants me, no one likes me. Then I get angry for being so pathetic and I end up hating myself even more, all of this usually happens at night when I have no distractions, so I'm not sleeping which is making my moods even worse. My work is suffering, I've been snapping at everyone, I just... Gah. I'm not in a good place.

 

I didn't keep that short.

Sorry.

 

*Cough*

 

ANYWAYS.

 

 

Main Quest!

 

Come out of the challenge stronger, independent, and happier.

 

To do this, I will:

 

  • Work out more. (+3 STR)
  • Bodyweight, skipping, walking, cycling, horseriding, swimming, weights, whatever. Get sweaty.
  • Go somewhere new once a fortnight. Alone. (+4 DEX)
  • Down a new footpath, a different cafe, a museum, a new city. The possibilities are endless!
  • For christ's sake, eat. (+4 STA)
  • 2,430 calories a day. And not crap calories. Make them count.
  • Forgive myself and accept that sometimes relationships just don't work out. (+3 WIS)
  • Stop looking back at what might have been. The past can only hurt you if you don't learn from it.

 

Side Quest!

 

See Queenie more often. (+1 CHA)

I know she's lame right now but at least go and spend time with her in the field. Take a brush and give her a fuss without asking anything from her. Who knows, maybe she'll actually end up liking you.

 

 

The last three weeks or so, I've been preparing for this challenge. I've downloaded a calorie tracker and have been hitting my goal already almost every day. Obviously there have been a few days where I've made up the calories purely with ice cream, or not logged in at all because I just wasn't up for eating that day, but there haven't been many of them. Just the other day I took a 7 mile walk to get toa pub that I'd see every time I go on my usual 5mile walk on the other side of the river. Usually if I don't think I have enough food, or if I have a full day at work so dont get a chance to eat, I've been drinking half a gallon of milk to get those calories in.

I attempted a challege a couple of months ago but I've had to switch computers and on my first post, this computer just didn't want to co-oporate, and in a fit of rage I gave up there and then. I'm hoping it'll work this time, because I really enjoyed the way I wrote my first challenge. Now that I'm more familiar with using the computer it should run ok!

 

Just to see if it works, Here's a picture of my girl earlier today as we enjoyed the evening sunshine together:

 

11227906_10153495822328659_6268311949919

 

 

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Hang in there! Life can become better again :).

 

Just take it easy and try to improve yourself one step at the time, which you seem to be doing. Good luck this challenge ;).

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The last couple of days Ive been meeting my calorie goals, gone swimming, seen Queenie, AND worked out in spite of DOMS. The only thing I'm having trouble with is going to bed earlier. Working full time means I only have my nights to be on the computer, and I get carried away.... >.<

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The last couple of days Ive been meeting my calorie goals, gone swimming, seen Queenie, AND worked out in spite of DOMS. The only thing I'm having trouble with is going to bed earlier. Working full time means I only have my nights to be on the computer, and I get carried away.... >.<

Great start!

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Another mini update! Had one drink last night without spiralling into getting annihilated, Whoo!

(Now I just have to very slowly get rid of the three bottles I got for my birthday....)

Can't wait for the challenge to officially start, I've missed the daily updates I used to do!

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You could still make daily updates. The one you just did is technically a daily update :D The feelings about your self worth are some of the deepest and hardest to wrestle with. No matter how positive we are, somehow, someway doubt tries to creep in. We are here to help you keep the doubt away :)

Subbed in for the courage to grow despite changes in life and for support!!

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Ack. First day did not go well.
 

Sunday night was spent drinking after work, I ended up not even going home, but sleeping in the spare room above the pub. So Monday was started at work. Hungover.

It was only a 7 hour shift, and it was crap. Quiet, but you know. Pleh.

 

At 8 I finished and thought, I'll go see Queenie and say hi before going to bed, because I'm super tired. So I grab the dog and we head down to the stables.

 

Queenie's had an accident. A rather nasty one. She's in season and it looks like a gelding with front shoes has tried to mount her, fallen off and caught his hoof on her leg on the way down. on top of that it looks like she's tried to jump over barbed wire and caught her chest. She looks pretty scared when I get to her, she's all wide-eyed and stumbles around and she's not really with it. As soon as I've calmed her down a bit she starts walking towards the yard. She's gotta go in and she knows it. So while we're walking I call the yard owner and tell her what's happened so she can come down and help me, since it's not almost 9pm and no-one's there.

 

 

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We hose off her leg and wrap it up as best we can, not without a bit of fight from Queenie. She has a feed with some painkillers mixed in, which wont kick in for another few hours, so I decide to stay with her. We put a rug on her so she wont get a chill from standing still all night, put her in the field, and I rush home to put the dog back. I put on as many layers as I can find, grab some apples and a torch, and get back down there.

 

By this point, she's stuck. her leg's sore, the bandage is tight, shes got pain lines on her belly and she looks miserable. I set my bag down and spend a couple of hours standing with her in the field, making sure she doesn't stress out. Around midnight she starts to fall asleep, so I figure she's calm enough for me to go home without worrying too much.

 

So yeah. That was day 1 of the challenge. I was too hungover to eat, I didnt do any exercise, and I only added to my stress by seeing Queenie. I'm glad I saw her though, because it would have gotten infected if it had been left overnight.

 

 

Day 2!

 

Woke up late. Shitshitshit. Pull clothes on, walk hastily to the stables because my stupid bike commited suicide last week so now I have to walk everywhere.

I bring Queenie in and giver her another painkiller-laced feed and some hay. I scrub at her chest with some antibacterial stuff and giver her a groom for a while. After an hour or so, the yard owner(and several other people) helped me hold her down and change her dressing. It looks much better today. I stayed with her for a little while then sent her back out to the field to walk around a bit. I'll go see her again in the evening.

 

As soon as I get home, I remember I have no food. So I have to go straight back out and get some. I just grab a load of milk and a few microwave meals, then head back. It's my day off work today, but I have a LOT of portraits to catch up on. I'm going to havea  stall at the Worcester Show on the 16th of August, and I have 2 portraits to put on the table. So right now I'm screwed.

 

I just.. Gah. I'm really not in a good place right now, I can barely think straight, but I'm gonna try and keep everything together. I'm not someone who cries easily,and if I'm going to, it's sure as hell not going to be in front of anyone. But these last two weeks I've started bawling at the slightest provocation. Hell, I cried at work on Sunday because someone asked me to make a few puddings. I just can't stop, I'm so sad all the time and it doesn't help that the reason I'm like this is at work looking completely fine with everything. What the hell are you supposed to do when youve fallen in love with someone who then breaks your heart and you still have to see him almost every day? WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK SO MUCH.

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Thank you Waanie =]

 

Slight update for today, Did the BBWW and met my calorie goal. Feeling slightly better about myself. Going to have bath and curl up with a book now.

 

Have also decided that since I'm having trouble talking at all, let alone about how I feel, I shall be expressing myself, true to the ways of NF, with gifs.

 

Today's overall emotion:

giphy.gif

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I think GIFs are a fun way to get the emotion out without feeling like you are getting too heavy.  That being said, this is your thread and you get to post whatever you need to.  It sounds like you had a good day today.  Hold on to that and give yourself a pat on the back everytime you hit a goal.  We are all so good at scolding ourselves then forgetting to praise ourselves too.  

 

Do you have any trophies for yourself?  Little items that you can strive for once you reach certain goals?  I like to use music as a reward or maybe buy myself a new type of coffee to try.  Just a way to give you a boost and make sure you are rewarding yourself with positive things along the way. 

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Thanks Lightning =] I did buy myself some funky socks today, just for not dissolving into panic when I saw Queenie last night. xD I've just spent a load of money paying for a trip to Disneyland Paris in November, so I'm trying not to buy too much for a while.. I 'm thinking just being able to get myself out and doing things will be reward enough.. I want to go somewhere new once a week, I've still gotta figure out where to though!

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I watched Mulan last night. Today I have a list of stuffages to do and I'm ready.

..Ok not quite. It took me an hour to get up and I'm still half in my pjs but I gotta wait for a load of washing to finish before I can leave so it can dry quicker because it is ALL of my work clothes so they kinda need to be dry by 4 today and *stops to breathe* Where was I?

 

Oh right. Yeah.

 

giphy.gif

 

 

 

Wash the clothes, check.

Get frozen food out for dog and snake, check.
Find socks, check.

Wait for washing to finish(Do day 7 of 30 day squat challenge whists waiting?).

Take dog to stables to see Queenie.

Have a shower.

Go swimming.

Come home and look presentable for work.

Go to work.

Don't get upset.

Go to bed at a reasonable time.

 

Ok, and somewhere in there needs to be several reminders to eat.

 

SCREWITLETSDOTHISRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

*runs away to do squats*

 

giphy.gif

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End of day update!

 

90 squats were achieved!

 

Queenie is much better!

 

Swimming was good! I did 30 lengths in 25 minutes, then got out because it was starting to get busy and I was getting sick of swimming around everyone else.

 

When I left the pool it was tipping it down so I ducked into a pub with the intention of having a pepsi until it blew over, but a friend was there and he insisted on buying me a drink, so I said a single JD and coke. He came back with  a double.

Then we had another.

Then we both really needed to get to work so we took the bus home, parted ways and I quickly washed my hair before getting ready for work.

 

Got to work looking presentable but a bit tipsy, but it was all good.  It wore off a couple of hours later, when I usually started getting a downer, but I was fine! No upsettedness ALL day!

 

Also, I managed to eat enought to meet my calorie goal!

 

As far as going to bed at a reasonable time, I finished work at 10, it is now 24 past, I'm going to finish my milk and head upstairs to read my book.

 

Drinking was never not supposed to be part of my day, and it kept me cheery, so I'm counting today as an ultimate success!

 

 

giphy.gif

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Right, guys, sorry. Lack of posts n stuff. Just to update, I've been eating, doing my workouts, and Queenie's leg is looking a lot better. Yay!

 

I'm way too hungover to go into any more detail about the last couple of days, but I wanted to state that I'm still working towards my goals!

 

 

giphy.gif

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Waanie, Not unless you count coconut oil mixed with chocolate milkshake powder! nom nom nom.

 

First week was, as expected, full of emotional turmoil. Part of me wants to give up and crawl under my covers for the rest of my life. The more rational side of me tells me it's early days. Second week, go!

 

 

I crossed paths with the girl that he left me for. The one thought I had was '...Really?'

 

I thought seeing her would throw me back a bit, but there must still be some ego left in me because damn. He must have gotten back with her because he missed doing cocaine with her because I am way better looking. So yeah. I feel a bit better about myself. And a little bitchy for thinking like that but hey.

 

giphy.gif

 

Queenie's doing much better. it now only takes 5 minutes to re-apply her bandage rather than the original 30, and nobody gets kicked! Tomorrow she can start having one less painkiller in her feed too, AND she's been cuddling me. ACTUAL cuddles!! It's difficult to hate yourself when the horse that hates everyone buries her face into your chest and sighs happily.

 

giphy.gif

 

I got my passport in the post today. I am officially free to go where-ever isn't too expensive. Whoo!

 

I'm eating today. I have done exermasizes. I have cuddles pets and enjoyed my day off. Tomorrow... Another day off! Whoo!!

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I'm glad you aren't going to back down!! You can't allow anyone to let yourself fail (yourself included). I had a recent look back at some of my past and I had to remind myself that "Yes, I'm worth getting what I want and if someone else can't accept that then they don't need to be part of my life." You are worth so much and that is beautiful. 

 

That is so adorable about Queenie!! Very glad to hear that she is doing better. 

 

Enjoy the days off, they are so very necessary and required for sanity in this world :)

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Welcome to the club!

 

You are single for the first time in your adult life, I've been single for the vast majority of my adult life.  You are definitely a step or two ahead of me on the relationship thing, I can't even get one going.  Adopting a dog was a major change as I actually had a second living thing in the house that I didn't intend to omnicide (I home brew, so I diabolically create ideal living conditions for single celled organisms, let them flourish, and then let them wipe out their environment by consuming all the sugar and turning it into carbon dioxide and alcohol - all for my pleasure).  Yes, I happen to overthink things.

 

Our old friend alcohol.  It drives away the things that come and stare at night.  Either we always lean on it, and then kneel to it, or we move on and learn to drive those things away ourselves.  It is okay to ask for help.  Sounds like you have taken up your sword and shield and started down the path of handling things yourself instead of letting a bottle fight for you.  It is much better when you decide when to stop - you have done so, and you will again.

 

Self worth.  I know mine precisely.  I can be sent halfway across the world and expended with nothing more than a few keystrokes.  I can also be entrusted with the sun, the moon, and the stars.  I can take orders, give orders, die valiantly, live patiently, build bridges and destroy civilizations, to wildly loosely paraphrase Heinlein.  Other people have their own problems - I know my worth - their opinions are best mild inputs, and at worst demonstrations of utter ignorance and insignificance.  It took me a long, long time to get here, and it wasn't a cheap journey.  It is a good place to be.  You are welcome here too.

 

Daily battles.  Every day is fractured into hours, minutes, and seconds.  Every second carries a choice - do I have another one?  Do I eat something more?  Do I start exercising?  It is like a sport - every little struggle adds up to a pass across the middle and a score for your team. 

 

Every little thing adds up.  Sometimes you Fight a holding action, sometimes you Fight just to keep your wits, and sometimes you have the enemy right where you want them and you Fight for the win.  Feel free to put the slipper in when you are winning - the bastards deserve it.  You are in the Fight for your life.  You are in the Fight, stay in the Fight, win the Fight. 

 

You have everything you need to be awesome.  Everything you ever needed is you.

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

 

P.S.  Trust me on this. 

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Ok. Been quiet. Sorry. I'm still here. Just gonna vent a few things.

 

I'm a few days into a booked week off of work. Yesterday I was at the Worcester Show with a stall of my portraits. I don't wanna talk about the day before that or the day before that. Let's just not go there.

 

Queenie's doing ok. No painkillers today.

 

I did some outdoor work today, bunny shed maintenance and stuff.(There's a lot more to it than it sounds)

 

I have a whiteboard on my bedroom door. Usually it just has daily to-do lists on it, but I cleared it. Now it says 'PRIORITIES' Followed by 'Your health', 'Your animals', 'Your happiness', and 'Your job', by which I mean my portraits, not this shitty waitressing bullcrap. I'm sick of putting everything important aside because 'I don't have time for this'. It ends now.

 

Leaving Ex-BF was the right decision. I know that. It makes me sad that this is the case, but that doesn't stop it from being the case. Everything I did after was very much a mistake, and I've been paying for it. Never get involved with co-workers, and never trick yourself into thinking you can be friends with them outside work. Every time you think it's all starting to work itself out, you get a sharp reminder that it's never going to be how it was.

 

giphy.gif

 

I've had too many people making me believe I'm a terrible person recently. I've done things I'm not proud of and if I could take back that one night that changed everything you can bet your ass I would. But I can't. And a few months ago, everyone said I was a nice person. That I was strong and a good friend and I care about everyone and I look after people. I went out of my way to help the people around me.  Then I make a massive decision in the interest of self preservation, and ok, I fucked it up a bit. I hopped from a sinking ship to a burning one. And now I am(and I quote) 'an empty fucking shell of anything I ever was'. I am 'a vacuous, heartless bitch', a 'naieve hypocritical fucking child'.

 

giphy.gif

 

Yup. needed to hear that when I'm at such a low point. Thanks.

 

So yeah. Screw guys. Screw everyone else. Screw booze, Screw work. Everything I thought I had is gone, Everything I thought I was has gone. I don't know who I am anymore. But considering the way things have been, maybe that's not a bad thing. Pixie Kitten is starting over, and Pixie Kitten is going solo.

(Except for you guys. I love you guys. <3)

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Life is a matter in which we have to live with our actions. Believe me, there are several dozen I'd like to undo but then again, I wouldn't be right here, right now if I didn't. What can be done is learn from them.

As for guys, yes, sometimes (most times) I get frustrated with my own gender. Been feeling like that for over two decades because of the actions of others I've seen. I think the female gender knows how to live better because us guys seem to still think with that Neanderthal brain.

As for the hurtful words, that's the only thing that some people think makes them more powerful and more important than others... but it doesn't. You are you, no one can take that from you. You know whom you are. And I can't imagine that you think you are any of those hateful things. How can you be heartless when you care so much for Queenie? How can you be empty of you are full of spirit? And hypocritical... they are just projecting their insecurities.

We've got your back Pixie!

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RD, I'm not gonna lie, that made me cry a little. x] Thank you!

 

giphy.gif

 

Also, I understand my own gender perfectly well, and I'm friends with more guys than girls because of it!! It's not the guys right now. Well it is, but it's more me. I can't blame them. I'm not looking after myself well enough to handle a relationship right now. Which is scary. But hey. I said I wanted independence!

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