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Teros XVII - (Project Pheonix)


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Does any of this have anything to do with you becoming a professional wrestler or at least sledgehammering some shit?

 

Maybe Phoenix is the name of his wresting persona?

I'll let you two speculate.  Your both partially right...in a way. Partially.

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So I've been gearing up for the next challenge.  I've reevaluated what I want to do.  This is something that I have been planned and re-planning for about 8 months now.  Some could call it 'mulling over'.  Others could call it 'agonizing about'.

 

When I first thought about this back in December, I was 100% on board.  Then as time kept going, I started to doubt and be on the fence.  This isn't some sort of "I would like to work on X, Y, and Z and gradually progress." This is more like a domino effect that can't be undone.  It's kind of like a phobia.

 

Let's say that you're terrified of spiders.  In order to be ok with your fear of spiders, there are a whole group of steps that you should face.  That's called 'Exposure Therapy'.  First you'll talk about spiders. Then the therapist will show you a picture of a spider, then a picture of multiple spiders.  After that, you might watch a youtube video of spiders, then go to a pet store and see one behind the glass.  Once you tackle that, you hold a spider and then the phobia is mostly gone away.  Instead of losing your shit at even the thought of spiders, gradual Exposure Therapy allows babysteps to build up to being comfortable.  This is how NF treats making S.M.A.R.T. goals and creating a better lifestyle.  Totally makes sense.  Totally works....except for this.

 

What I'm doing is the mental equivalent of jumping into a pit full of spiders.

 

Once I do that, there's no turning back.  Then my next step of, "Well I jumped into that spider pit, why can't I do X?" comes immediately afterwards  and the list/dominoes start to fall.  There's no gradual here. There's no babysteps for goals.  I either jump into the pit or I don't.  It's a commitment forward.  For example, I almost didn't try the Amnesbury Spartan Race last August.  I signed up. I was pumped for it.  I was ready to go but once I got to the starting line, I couldn't jump the short wall before the race began.  My sister couldn't either and we both wanted to turn around and walk away right then.  Then I told myself that I have to do this for me while everyone started yelling and as I starting climbing the hill; my mind was made up. I gave it everything in the tank for over 4 hours as I was running on fumes, f*cked up my ankles and fell multiple times, sliced the back of my leg, and for a while I had tunnel vision and thought I was honestly going to die, which was a first (and f*cking scary).  I kept going until I collapsed from lack of sleep from days beforehand and lack of food/fuel.

 

My point here is that this is very muchso like a mental Spartan.  I agonized about it, and as I was in a terrible mental state for a few months; I doubted everything - including this Project.  I've been playing a mental chess game with myself for more than half a year.  Roughly 2 6wcs ago, I challenged myself.  I created worst-case scenarios. I drafted up possible issues in my plans. I accounted for mental fatigue, drafted up preparation steps, I learned more about the realms that I was debating on jumping into.  I thought long and hard about what would happen if certain people did not come through for me and if that would alter my course (Spoiler: they didn't come through for me and that makes this infinitely harder), among other variables.  Last challenge, I put a lot of those preparation wheels in motion and found out that this was going to be a lot more difficult for me than I thought.  However, I couldn't mention anything about it.  As a few people have pointed out in PMs or in texts; I've been "suspiciously absent on the forums".  I'm well aware of this.  It's just hard to make sense of what I need to keep a secret for myself.  I want to say,

 

"I was busy last Tuesday because I did |||||||||||||||||||||| and that's helpful because that means |||||||||||||||||||||| is next and if that's the case, then next week |||||||||||||||||||||||| will take a few hours but I can get it done."  

 

What's there to say if I deep down in my gut, I know that this is a Project that I have to do alone?  I can't talk about it.

 

I've already agonized over it from every possible angle - getting input from the 15 or so people that I regularly PM isn't going to make it any easier.  It'll only add more to the chaos and like I said, this Project and all of the consequences is a conclusion that I had to come to.  There have been quite a few of you that have said that you support me no matter what choice I make, and no matter what it even is that I'm doing.  None of you know how much that means to me.

 

I've....always been judged harshly from people in my life and an underlying theme throughout the past 30 years has been that I'm never good enough.  That thought rears its ugly head time and time again whenever I slip up in the slightest.  Whether it's in social interactions, getting blown off or ignored by people, being talked down to and insulted, my attempts to get better ending in failure, even two people that were really close to me seriously underestimating me. Rejection, loneliness, and feeling like a failure has loomed over me my entire life.  And the problem is that it keeps being proven right.  It's why I was stuck as Old Mike for so long.  So to hear that there are people that have an unconditional caring for me....I just can't even start to explain.  It's what led me to believe in myself.  And because of that:

 

There will hopefully be more in the very very very near future.  If this does go according to plan in a time-line that I have figured out; this will be the start of a 3-challenge-long campaign.

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Let's say that you're terrified of spiders. In order to be ok with your fear of spiders, there are a whole group of steps that you should face. That's called 'Exposure Therapy'. First you'll talk about spiders. Then the therapist will show you a picture of a spider, then a picture of multiple spiders. After that, you might watch a youtube video of spiders, then go to a pet store and see one behind the glass. Once you tackle that, you hold a spider and then the phobia is mostly gone away. Instead of losing your shit at even the thought of spiders, gradual Exposure Therapy allows babysteps to build up to being comfortable.

70630053e48866533c33cab4bd3ec36b.jpg

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Le Comtess D'if & Jakkals have expressed well in pictures your words. I am afraid of spiders. I don't like them. But I can manage that fear when I have to. However, I have a crippling phobia of needles. Like, I stop breathing and pass out in their pressence out of sheer terror. Last year I went to a physical, and when the doctor told me I had to have blood drawn I did my best not to break down crying in terror (must look silly to see a huge 6'3, near 30 year old man just collapse in fear), but that is my experience with phobia. However, I scheduled and appointment (knowing I needed to) and went to it, on my own, and got my blood drawn. I did not die (though the nurse did have to tell me to breath twice b/c my face was turning a whitish blue).

 

I hope that you can overcome your obstacles Teros and I believe in you! I did it when I had to and I believe that you can too.

 

I also have felt the whole "not good enough" thing my whole life from pretty much everyone. If I got "A's" in school, my dad would tell me "That is good, but you know you could be getting A's if you wanted to and really applied yourself." He was a farmboy in his youth and believed whole heartidly in giving 110% towards everything you do, so I always felt like my 100% was never good enough. Even in my most recent relationship (with my wife), my friends look at me and called me "super-husband" because of all the things I do/did/went-through/put-up-with. But rather than ever praising or thanking me for what I did, she would say, "you didn't do this ... and you could have done that ..." etc.

 

That is one of my biggest pet peaves.

And I hope you know that we (the NF community) all believe in you!

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tumblr_n9s016x2B31smcbm7o1_500.gif

No, I don't get it 

Yes I'm blond, and English isn't my native language :tongue:

 

I'm not blond and english is my second language and I don't get it either. 

Also quoting for more Dr Who.  

 

Hmmm... Is this one of those spider pits where the people here to back you up are supposed to through in a lifeline should you need it or more like a butterfly that you have to just watch hopefully as it struggles it's way out of a cocoon because the struggle is making it stronger?   

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All the mystery and hype, it's just like a great promo war before the big wrestling match. You're a natural and Macho Man would be proud.

 

Seriously though, I expect you to jump in that pit, chew those spiders up and spit 'em out. Because that's the kind of badass that you are.

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All the mystery and hype, it's just like a great promo war before the big wrestling match. You're a natural and Macho Man would be proud.

Seriously though, I expect you to jump in that pit, chew those spiders up and spit 'em out. Because that's the kind of badass that you are.

^^ and because spiders are Paleo :-)

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G920A using Tapatalk

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I'm not blond and english is my second language and I don't get it either. 

Also quoting for more Dr Who.  

 

Hmmm... Is this one of those spider pits where the people here to back you up are supposed to through in a lifeline should you need it or more like a butterfly that you have to just watch hopefully as it struggles it's way out of a cocoon because the struggle is making it stronger?   

doctor-who-mystery.gif

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